I'm wondering if I'm in the minority: I really don't care anything about the OW, and have no desire to contact her or tell her to get away from my H. The way I see it, I'm not married to her, we made no promises to each other, etc. Maybe it would be different if the OW was a friend of mine, but if it's someone from work, or from some outside hobby, is there really anything to be gained by finding out more about her, or about their relationship? What is the positive outcome for me? If I find out OW is more/less attractive than me, if I find out she's smarter/dumber than me, does it really have anything to do with me? Has anyone learned something that benefitted them or the marriage by digging deeper on the OP? I'm afraid if I start digging, I might become obsessed and have to know everything, even though none of it will make me feel better. Thanks in advance for any thoughts! You guys are great. I wouldn't have survived these past 2 days if I didn't have you all in my electronic support group!
IAO

I'm obsessed for sure.

I did find out that OW was very aggressive in getting P with FWH which I never did.
FWH likes being initiated into sex, which I never did ( I always waited for him to be the initiator!)

Things have changed alot around here for the best.

I would say to you...if it works for you then stick to it.

I know the feeling. But, I don't think pretending she dosen't exist will help. I sometimes feel as if I'm fighting with one arm tied behind my back, and I know some things about the OW my H had an A with. Don't bury your head in the sand!! That's what I did in the beginning and it didn't help, just prolonged the pain.

i didn't want to know about her....i wanted her to know about US

i did want to know enough about her to know who to expose this to!

I can offer my experience with OW. I met her. Sheesh I see her twice a week, whether or not I care to. I've even sat down and talked with her, much to the anger of WS. But I just smile away...smile, smile, smile.

A brief history...we've been together 5yrs...we had a disagreement, asked him to stay at a friends house and he went back to bar and picked her up and went home to her house...he's been there ever since.

Anyway, he is always bringing her around our friends and myself. We are in a recreational sporting event together and meet a couple of times a week. She is always there, sitting in the corner drinking her little heart out. We've been polite but not overly friendly to her.

I am 42...she is 40, however the years of drinking, smoking and whatnot have taken a toll on her appearance. We had guessed her age at late 40s early 50s...we found out we were VERY wrong when they showed up to celebrate her 40th birthday one night.

If you could pick someone as physically opposite from me this would be her. Knowing him like I do, if he was sober or let's just say when he was with me, he would have commented on her and her appearance...but as it is...he is with her and he is "happy."

She is obviously very insecure and has extremely low self-esteem...we all went away to a tournament for a weekend and by the end of the weekend it was obvious she had been shopping because her entire wardrobe changed and on the last day she was dressed as closely as she could to what I had worn the day before. She continues to now dress just like me. Whatever I wear one night, she has on something very similiar the next night we get together. It was my friends who picked this up and pointed it out to me...I found it very complimentary.

Am I threatened by her? Not in the slightest...she is an alcoholic, she can barely make ends meet. They just had to drive up to another state to borrow money from her father to make the mortgage payment and to make a payment for WS car, since I am no longer helping him financially. Now she is supporting WS and his champagne tastes.

His father said it the best..."You were on top of the world for 5yrs son...you had it all, if you choose to stay in the gutter, don't forget how to crawl out, or you may find out it is too late."

Honestly, I think seeing her has made it easier for me this way. I am 9yrs older than WS. Had he left me for someone younger, gorgeous, successful then yes I think it would have gotten to my core. But as it is...sometimes I just gotta laugh. Just gotta laugh.

Right now, she is not my real concern, his drinking is. My therapist and I agree...she's just a result of his depression and alcoholism. She's also currently enabling him on his self-destruction that he is ****** bent on doing. Last words to me when we spoke before he left..."Have you seen the movie Leaving Las Vegas.?

And yes, if he can sober up and get back on track with his life...there is a part of me that would take him back...but let me tell you he'd have to go and get a STD/AIDS test first...and I am serious about that.

I wanted to know not for comparison reasons, but so that i could fill in the blanks of the last few months of my life that were a lie. I needed to know details so that I could put all the pieces of the puzzle together and not let my mind wander around and make me go crazy by guessing.

Till I knew the details it was sort of like having a 1000 piece puzzle and I only had 600 pieces to work with and no real picture to see what it should look like. That left me to create terrible senarios ultimately gave me extreme anxiety attacks. Knowing the details hurt, but also put my mind at ease so that I could move on.

Also, I had a post on this a while back and some of the info in here may help.

Post

The sole purpose of finding out about the OP is for exposure purposes. You must know who she is in order to expose to her parents, spouse, employer, etc. There is usually no reason to contact an OP.

In some cases the OP is providing a few needs that are not being met by us. I did learn that much and the three main things that were missing from our marriage was talking (really talking), affection and doing things together as a couple.

I make sure those things do happen now.

The op gave him affection and hung on his every word <gag!>

I have seen her, nothing special. I sent her two emails. One when I first found out and one to let her know if she even farted in our direction again her husband would be placed on my speed dial. I did not tell him because he JUST got back from Iraq. I did not want to be the one to add to his full plate he most likely came home with. But, I do know his work number and email addy just incase.

If you sit down and really think about it we have much more to offer than the op's. We can give our spouse attention, sex, love, fun 24/7, the op cannot. We can be trusted by our S, the op cannot. We stuck by our spouse, if the op is married they did not.

I am finally starting to care less about her each day. She is not worth it! BUT, I know there is a chance at contact and have to be prepared for that.

I've followed your posts here and believe you are already making some good decisions. On one hand your right the OP is irrelevant. On the other should you choose to fight for your marriage she becomes relevant. You must know her to expose, you must know her to passively attack her insecurities. I can assure you there are many. To upset the affair apple cart you can't help but need her information.

The fact that you don't care is already good thinking. You are in a different boat than many of the wayward wives here due to the fact you already have the self confidence in your abilities to make it without him. You state, matter a factly, you've let yourself go a bit (weight, physical shape) but you are not seemingly beating yourself up about it as if your appearance was all you had to offer. This is strong confident thinking. Good job.

You can bet your husband is affairing down. It's a common tradition. Most affair partners, though maybe she's younger and/or in better shape, albeit from lack of kids either way I guarantee she's a loser. You see your husband may be getting the emotional need of admiration from her...you're so smart...you're so successfull...you're wife should appreciate you more...then comes save me you're my knight in shining armor. You may not have been stroking his ego because you expect it of him and have for years. It's been your accomplishment too, whereas she may sees it as his accomplishment. It's probably a tragic and common pitfall of being in business together.

Just my opinion

It's hard to enforce NC if you don't know who OP is. Otherwise it really doesn't matter. In my case I think OW could have been anyone, she just happened to be there. I don't have any harsh feelings toward OW, but I don't feel sorry for how OW got hurt either (she knew he was married).

thanks fbwidow, that is another good reason that I overlooked. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I wouldn't go so far as to *care* about the OP.....but yeah, I knew more about the OW in my case than her Mama.

I think it does help to know your enemy, I agree that you are better able to exploit weaknesses if you know what they are.

I shocked the crap out of my h's FOW, I hacked her cellphone account, found out her criminal record (Which was just a car accident...but it required a court date, so her social security number was on file with the court, and I had a bailbondsman get the full social for me), I found out that she had been married before, I knew her ex-boyfriends address/phone number, her neighbor's names/numbers, her drivers license number, her license plate number, the car she had before this one........so yeah, I knew all about her, down to how much she paid for her house and who her mortgage was through.

If you don't want to research the OW, that's up to you, but I think it would be to your benefit to look into it....not to find out if she's younger or prettier....but again, to find the chinks in her armor. (i.e. if she's married...etc)

The OW in my case was my polar opposite.....and someone I would have never even worried about....she was a mousy little thing and scared to death of me. (Good idea....*Evil grin*)

-Caren

LOL!! Caren..that is priceless...I did something similar...I found out that OP H still owns the house they are all living in. OP name is nowhere on the title. She told WS that they could move in January when she had more equity in the house..I laughed...you can't build that much equity in 4mos, plus OP told me her H hadn't been making the house payments and she had to borrow money from her parents to get it all caught up.

So amazing...

MaggieG did I understand you didn't expose OW to her spouse? Just a private visit on the side? That's kind of contrary to MB wisdom. Can you say a little about how the conversation went, what was said, and the result?

Ok... not really the topic, but I may as well weigh in on the thread title... just to be contrary, as such is my nature. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I care about OP quite a bit. Sad that OP was hurt by all this. Sad that OP now has to live with the knowledge that the actions that were chosen helped to destroy a family. Sad for the devastating consequences that my bull-in-a-china-shop exposure had. Sad pretty much for everything.

To this day, even though my marriage doesn't look like it's going to make it, I wish OP well and hope that honest happiness, is to be found. (Happiness away from me and my family that is...)

In my case, I know OW because she is SIL's best friend. WH had told her our marriage was over. OW had even put a deposit down on a house for them. OW was making long-term plans while WH was just using her to get away from me. WH later admitted that he is not even sure what her last name is.

LOL fb....that's classic!!

-Caren

Ok, ok, ok!!! Very good comments, and I'm so glad I asked. As Paul Harvey, legendary radio spokesman put it..."and now for the rest of the story."

I'll call this tale "Karma."
More than 15 years ago, when I was a young woman fresh out of graduate school and just finishing my first stint in a high profile job at a Fortune 10 company, I moved into a smaller job with much more potential at a mid-size company. After about 8 months in the first job, I decided to apply for a job working for the man who was viewed by most folks at the company to be "the most intimidating, scariest person in the whole firm (of 1200 people)". Folks thought I was nuts to even apply for the job. Well, I got the job, and I did, in my humble opinion, an AMAZING job right off the bat. Never was intimidated, even though my boss was known to send people out of his office in tears. Little did I know, (and being single, I really mean LITTLE) this boss was going through what we see as a marital slump, combined with a mid-life crisis. Out of the blue one night, he came onto me strongly, since we often worked 60 hours a week, long after everyone had left for the night. You could have knocked me over with a feather! Honestly, I had no idea this man was attracted to me, and apparently, I found out later, that others suspected we had been having an affair for months. If there was an EA, it was on his side, alone. Anyway, my boyfriend and I had recently hit the skids, and boss gave me the song and dance about how we were soul mates, how is tween girls would love me, blah, blah. Guess what? I bought it! Had a one month fling with him, which I was ashamed of the whole time. So now, here I was, the other woman. Wife was calling ME at work, yelling at me, calling me homewrecker. Of course, she was right: I was not respecting their marriage.
As the "other woman" though, I can honestly say that her H's EA to me was based on fantasy. He moved out of the house, and planned our life together. To me, he was someone who made himself appear available, used his power and influence in the company in what I would call an inappropriate way, and then allowed his wife to think his A was about this amazing woman: ME.
From the other side of the fence, as the OW, I can tell you I did not want to rescue him or help him start a new life. I felt terrible that his wife and children were in this position, and told him and his wife the same. Strange as it may sound, I WAS THE ONE WHO INSISTED ON NC!! He was pissed, wanted me fired. I went to HR, and he was transferred to outer-mongolia, and 6 years later, I had his job, his office, and did a better job than he ever did. I also know that he got back with his wife and kids, (never followed up, so I don't know how functional the M is). I am mortified to have been in the position, and can honestly say, I've always told all friends and family from that moment on, that I would never come near a married man. I've kept that promise, but still it comes back to bite me in the backside!

Anyway, back to the subject: Should I care about the OP? I'm bringing my experience as the OP to the table. Wife couldn't "expose" me, since I hadn't broken any vows, wasn't cheating on my H. I always felt like the reason her H came on to me was less about me (the OP) and more about him. With my knowledge from the (gasp!) other side, I'm not so sure the OP really plays much of a role. H has to decide on his own that he wants NC--I can't beat it into him. H has to decide on his own that he wants M to work--I can't break the haze of the A--He must do this.
As the OP, I can tell you I am still pissed that this guy was ready to throw away a relationship of (interestingly, the same 18 plus years that I have in this one) for some young chick (who at the time was me!). Sometimes the OP is not the one sending the signals. I honestly can tell you I was happily working/playing my way through my early 20's, and marriage and long-term relationships were not on the agenda. Sorry this is so long, but I just wanted you to have some background into my concern or lack there-of of the OP. Thanks again all, for the great comments and ideas!

I am not getting the point. What is the point?

Point is, she could be in the same position I was, and contacting her, screaming at her really doesn't fix my marriage and my problems. Just gives me someone (the wrong someone) to beat on. The person I think I need to get the details on is my H, and maybe his Dad or whomever programmed him to respond like this. (I guess?) Should my anger be at the OW? No! She's not my wife! It's not about her. Nutshell, that's my point, and long message is just background, I suppose.