First, there's the easy stuff: I am an INFP and he is an INTP (for those who don't know, that's Myers-Briggs Personality types). We GET each other. We speak in each others' language. What is important to me is also important to him. His core nature ans ways of interpreting the work are VERY similar to mine, so we don't always have to explain. Of course, that also means we have some of the same weaknesses (like neither one of us is very great at housekeeping, but then again, it doesn't bother us either!). My exH was my personality type OPPOSITE, and I tried hard to understand him, figure him out, or think like him and could never do it (at least, not to his satisfaction) and he sure as heck didn't understand me!!!! What means "I love and care about you" to me is close to the same way he'd express it and want it expressed to him--so the stuff I do means "I love you" to him, and the stuff he does means "I love you" to me. We are goth easy-going, open-minded, laid-back, gentle people who see 1000 possibilities rather than "right and wrong/black and white." We both like quiet time to recharge and don't think of that as abandonment or freak out. He tends to be more of an analyzer and spreadsheet guy than I am--I tend to be more emotional and sensitive--but that works and we both bring out the trait in the other. He helps me to be intellectual and think of ways to organize and analyze and evaluate...I help him to identify his feelings, express them, and be more aware of emotions and relating.

Second, it's truly a RESPECTFUL, EQUAL PARTNERSHIP. That is so Different!! We work together to accomplish goals or send a unified message to the kids (like don't ask DD and when he says no, come ask me). We consider each other BEFORE acting...not always perfectly, especially at first, but more and more we are aware of each other and how (and when) our choice might affect the other. We are BOTH valuable in this relationship, not just on of us forcing their view or needs on the other. We BOTH contribute, BOTH appreciate what the other brings to the table, and BOTH respect the other--and what they do and think!! We AGREE on things. We value the opinions and input of the other--and likewise we feel respected. I'm not just a tool to be used to get what "he" wants. I am worth enough to consider, and he is worth enough for me to consider! IT'S A TWO WAY STREET! Almost everything is a two-way street--we think of the other! That is so different and so unlike what life was like for me in my previous M.

Third, we work all kinds of healthy principals into our every day lives. We know all about the terms ENs and LBs, and talk about them regularly. We know what our ENs and LBs are and what each other's ENs and LBs are. We know which LBs we have a weakness for in times of stress. We protect each other from ourselves and our weaknesses by thinking of it ahead of time and doing something about it! We discuss Transparent Honesty and actually practice at it. It's scary to be that open and vulnerable, but it's also AMAZING. I am actually Known by someone, and I actually Know him! WE make the effort to spend time together (those 15 hours/week), without acting like it's pulling teeth or drudgery, and without one person resisting and acting like they hate it. WE both participate willingly ON OUR OWN. We find recreational stuff we like to do, and some of it is stuff HE likes that I learn about (like this computer thingy he likes)...some of it is stuff *I* like that he learns about (like dog shows)...and some of it is stuff we both enjoy (like camping and football and car shows and movies).

Fourth, we are each of us responsible for ourselves. Now I know this may sound ODD or very basic, but what I mean is that we don't blame the other for our own choices...we each take personal responsibility. If I have an issue, it is my issue to deal with it, not his. If I need to grow in a personal area, I don't hold him responsible to "make me" a better person...and neither does he! He has actually said to me, "This is an area I'm working on, and I'm practicing my new skill so it may not go perfectly." I love that! I can be aware and a little extra gentle and/or sensitive when he tries a new option...give him feedback...make sure it's safe. It makes such a difference to know that I won't be blamed for stuff that's not mine!


Mostly I'm writing this thread because I can remember six years ago when this journey all began that I could not have imagined a relationship like this. My own M was so dysfunctional and so unhealthy that it was horribly toxic to me--and yet, it was what I was familiar with: I was physically abused as a child and married an abusive man. In the final years of our M, I began to learn about healthy relationships and what one might look like, but I honestly could not really picture it. When the D was final, I took some time off to work on myself and get myself into a better place, but still could not even IMAGINE what healthy "love" would be like. Eventually I had a good friend (yes--friend) who was a male person who just treated me really well, and I figured love would be being treated like that only EVEN BETTER! (Okay--it a rather simplistic definition, but it gave me a starting point! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> )

I can honestly say that I learned a lot about marriage and commitment and relationships and all that over the years, but until you're actually with someone doing it, it's hard to picture. And to be honest with you, before this, I DID NOT HAVE A CLUE--not even close--of what real, healthy, intimacy with another human could be like. I'm not talking sex here, I'm talking that kind of closeness that comes from Knowing and Openness and Vulnerability. It is AMAZING!! Didn't even know it could be like this!

For years I fought against losing my M because I was afraid. For a long time after that I thought I'd just never really understand what Love is. Yep--it was a long, dark, sometimes scary journey, but WOW! I had no idea! It was worth it; I'm so glad I've learned what I have because it sure is worth it!




FNCJ