I am curious how to tell how much of what the WS said to OW was just fog talk or reality. Any insight from those who know?

Is he with you or with her?

There's your answer.

There's no need to rehash everything he said to her and what it meant exactly. It will only make you feel bad.

It was all FOG. Their relationship was based on lies and deceit; that's a wonderful foundation for a loving relationship, right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

If he truly meant all the things he said to her, he would file for divorce and start a new life with her.

I know it's difficult, but you must try and focus your attention on the reconstruction of your marriage - YOUR FOUNDATION.

If you haven't already, read through the article on Emotional Needs and sit down with your H to take the quizzes. Focus on what you two need from EACHOTHER to save your love. He's chosen to work on your marriage, allow it by spending more time loving eachother and less time speculating on what he may or may not have said to OW.

Good luck....keep us posted!

((((losttiger))))

AVNL

PS - We ALL have days of speculation. We all have days when the hurt is all we can think about, those are the times when you must reach out to your H and open the lines of communication.....allow him to comfort you in your time of need. Keep your chin up, hon!

LT,
I too have wondered this. I have read a love letter that he sent her (she requested these every so often according to FWH) that broke me apart. And I read an email that she sent to him, from an earlier time, after he tried NC. This was also very bad because it was a regular email that they would send eachother on a daily basis. Both were so terrible to read and the words just haunt me. I also recorded them one night in his car a week before I confronted him and their conversation ripped me apart.

So of course I have asked FWH what he actually felt and thought and he gives me the same answer... he is with me not ow. If he really felt like that he would be with her. I have a hard time even believing that. Is he just here with me because of obligation or did he/does he still feel that for ow? I can harp on this for a long time, I'm sure I will. I will never know the truth of it. I can't feel what he was feeling or is feeling. He also said that he was lying to her too, just giving her the answers that she wanted to hear. Ding ding ding.... now just now, THAT is a revelation. I have read many FWS on this forum say that they would do things and say things to op just to keep their ENs being met. I think that makes sense to me now.

Sorry to ramble. AVLN, you're probably right. It was the FOG. Anything to get their ENs met.

Thanks that helped.

MicheleG,

""It was the FOG. Anything to get their ENs met.""

You have hit that nail sooo square on the head.

Like going back to highschool on a date at the drive-in. Anything you want to hear, baby, just get those jeans unbuttoned!!

k

I have been battling with this also. I read their emails that they wrote to each other before they were busted.

Take bits and pieces of what they said/wrote to each other.

"You make me feel so loved" - well, maybe they did BUT you should not have to sneak and cheat to show your love to someone AND there is a limit to the love (HA!) they can show each other. They can't pick up a phone whenever they want or see each other whenever they want to "get" love. Their time is limited. What kind of love is that? AND what kind of love is it when atleast one party is going home to their spouse?

"I feel so comfortable when I am with you" - BIG delusion! How comfortable can you be when you are cheating, lieing, sneaking?!? Feeling comfortable with someone means you are doing things out in the open without worry of someone seeing you or being caught.

"I feel like we have known each other forever, this was meant to happen, we were suppose to meet and be together." - IF they REALLY felt that way the relationship would be out in the open, they would be able to be together whenever and where ever they wanted. They would both start taking steps to leave their spouse and plan a future together. They would stop lieing and be honest. All they see is the best side of each other because their time IS limited with each other. They never had to deal with the worst side of each other, if they did the A would of probably lasted a minute tops! (The ow in my case sent this poem to my husband which made my gag reflexes go into overdrive. Something about God brought us together...blah blah blah. Yeah right, open up your Bible sweetheart and read the Ten Commandments. God had NOTHING to do with this relationship! )

Love making comments- I take those as a huge delusion on their part. It may have felt good but still there has to be a feeling of being caught, not knowing a person can inhibit a person from acting freely. I KNOW what I can do for my husband in that department and I doubt very highly she was able to do the same for him due to time limits and location limits. Plus, if there are location and time limits they can't do it whenever they please. They had limits, they had obstacles, they had to sneak. Of course this may add to the excitement of it all, I guess. But for me having to "arrange" times for sex is a big turn off. For me spontanous (sp?) moments end up being the best, not times you end up planning for.

"You are so beautiful"- what are they going to say "You are okay looking?", "You are average", "your actually kind of homely?"

"I will always be there for you, you will always be in my heart"- I will always be there for you?!? Ummmm, how? With more lies and cheating? How you going to get away with it a 2nd time if the bs is keeping an eye out? You can't always be there for someone with limits. "You will always be in my heart" Again, of course they are going to say that. They can't say "I love you until we get caught", "I love you until we can't be together anymore".

If you disect the words you really can see how silly most of them are, how these things were said to get what they wanted out of the A, how twisted the thinking was. If we take to heart what they said during the A it can really do us (the bs) damage. It is really hard for the ws to explain why they said these things. I asked my H if he loved her, because in the emails he did say it and I am sure he probably told her this when they were together. His answer was "at the time I thought I did". Well, love does not have an off and on switch. You can't love someone one day and not the next. If you love someone you do not have to hide it, you do not have to sneak and lie to be with them, you don't have to hurt everyone around you so you can "love" them. If you love someone you give them everything you got, not just pieces of yourself.

AVNL: yes he is with me and that i am very glad of...though he said it was never a question of leaving me.
I even understand his explaination of why he said it...which leads me to..

MicheleG: I know how you feel. What was hard for me is to hear him say to the OW the same things that he said to me.

Krusht: LMAO

MaggieG: very insightful, it makes more sense when you look at it that way.

Another question....the hard part about the fog is that how do you know that what he is saying to you isn't another form of fog. What if his words are the same to you that he said to the OW...which time is it the truth? food for thought.

thanks for the responses LT

Losttiger,

""What if his words are the same to you that he said to the OW...which time is it the truth?""

You must consider everything coming out of his mouth is a lie, until proven otherwise. Like taking what he says with a boulder of salt!

k

Worse yet, is he said things to ow that he never said to me. He hasn't been that lovey dovey in 20 years. And now when he starts to say really nice things I take it with a grain of salt and I can hear my thoughts say "yeah right". I know that's not good. I really want to believe him, but I can't get there yet. But I'm trying. I try not to show disbelief because he is trying so hard.

Don't dwell there too long LT. I don't think anything good will come from there.

About him saying the things to you that he previously said to OW.....

Actions speak louder than words, how is he ACTNG?

My H told OW that he loved her, they were soulmates, he was going to divorce me and they'd live happily ever after. He told her that the thought of touching me made him physically ill, that he only married me because I got pregnant, that he wasn't filing divorce papers (yet) because he was afraid I'd hurt myself and the baby, that I was too fragile while I was pregnant to handle the divorce....the lies went on and on. All of these things made me want to wretch they hurt me so badly....

BUT

My H is with me, apologizing every time I need to hear it (it wasn't always this way) and remaining faithful to me. He has tried hard to show me that he truly does love me - with his actions, not words. He and I are both aware that his words don't mean sh*t to me. It's been three solid years of working toward recovery and I still question him sometimes. It's okay to feel the way you feel, as long as you remind yourself that it's his actions that will ultimately prove to you what is real and what isn't.

As long as your H is willing to work on meeting your EN's, is remorseful, faithful, and willing to work to regain your love and trust then it doesn't matter what he said to OW.

We've all been there....hang tight, this too shall pass....

((((losttiger))))