I found this site just two days ago and this post just tonight. As a result it is almost 2 am and I am still awake. Please forgive my broken English - I am from Russia. I don't want to spend to much time to correct what I am writing. Paradise, from I what I've read it sounds like your husband could really be sick. Have you ever thought he has a manic episode? We have a friend in Germany whose marriage is destroyed by that desease. I think my husband has a mid-life crisis as well (by the way he is physiatrist). I just try to decide if I can deal with that. I am not a fighter. I really feel that it is much easier for me just to walk away and start it all over again. It is too late for my story now. I just want to say I really enjoy your writing. You should write a novell. Danielle Steel is not much better :-)

I also want to share a joke:
-Why women do not have brains?
-Because they don't have a p-s to care it.

Maril..

Welcome..

Paradise is a gem, and she will cherish your thoughts here when she returns.

Eibrab

Journal,

I am sitting wrapped in cosy terrycloth, after a luxurious long soak to bathe away cuban dust. There was a joyous reunion with Blue, happy barks, estatic excited wiggles and huge smiles. I found I couldn't wait to get my key in the door.

A friend of mine was dog sitting and we had a nice chat and a cup of tea. I was glad to see her. It is so much nicer to have someone home when you come back from a trip.

Cuba was interesting. The last thing I said to my brother before I walked up to the immigration counter was: "Coming home with a wider perspective is much better than coming home with just a tan."

We saw Cuba as the Cubans live it. It is charming, innocent, harsh, very cultured, very poor ... a myriad of contrasts. The people are extremely well educated...yet there is no material wealth to speak of...

Forty years of being cut adrift from the US has made the island an amazing paradox. Castro has done many good things except perhaps one of the most important - respecting the rights of the individual.

Their personal liberty is nonexistent. You can be shot for stealing without judicial process. Particularly if it is government property for example the lot that stole a government boat to flee. Typically, trying to escape will earn you at the very least a beating -often a jail sentence. The average Cuban would vote with his/her feet - if they could. A crew of a Cuban Coast Guard boat did make it to Miami successfully! The boat was returned by the US.

Transportation is a huge problem. The main highways on the island are practically deserted. People can spend days on the road hitchhiking from city to city. Catching rides on a straggling number of horse carts, rusting Soviet scap heaps, trucks and military vehicles.

The infrastructure everywhere is decaying. Everything gets cannibalized to make something else. The salaries are low. A doctor earns $20 per month. A chamber maid in one of the big beach resorts will make a multiple of that in tips. Unless a family has access to someone who can earn hard currency by intereacting with tourists. Life is hard.

Food is rationed. Yet no one starves. In fact the life expectancy is higher than the US and Canada. There is a well staffed medical system which is free. Drugs are cheap. Yet much of the equipment is totally antiquated. Sometimes even basic supplies aren't there. No needles. No beds.

Banks don't lend money. Real estate can't be sold only bequethed to a family member. Alot of marriages ocurr simply to facilitate a property transaction. The divorce rate is high. Drinking is a big problem - often it is home made rum - which poses a real health risk.

Policing is hap hazard. Major crimes are ignored and minor infractions can be punished harshly .. depending on who knows what. Crimes against tourists are punished very severely. It is a very safe place to travel.

Even if you have money many consumer goods just aren't there. For example, all new cars are owned by the government. A cuban with 20,000 convertible pesos could not buy a new car. There are many vintage 1950s cars owned by individuals, that are in amazing shape. The rest of the vehicles are poorly crafted russian ladas.

One vehicle we hired for a short trip to convey friends around, we ended up pushing repeatedly trying to jump start the engine. It was a shuddering, choking, rusted out hulk of steel that ran only because it's owner spent most of his time repairing it. They make parts from scratch.

Yet people are very friendly and cheerful. They like to laugh. They love a joke. My brother loves to tease... Happy combo..."Where did all the toilet seats go..."

It is a romantic country. The cubans both male and female are flirty. They have street parties and dance the salsa under the moon - hips swaying to the latin beat. When Cuba beat Panama in the World Amateur Baseball Championship - we walked by a spontanteous street party that soon grew to many blocks. Baseball is Cuba's religion as far as I can tell.

In one small town, we walked by a Community Hall where a lone care taker was watching Monster in Law with J Lo - dubbed in Spanish on a relatively new TV. We live in such a small world. I had watched it just a few weeks earlier in English.

At night often in the town halls, people gather to sing, bringing their own music to entertain their friends and neighbors.

One night, three very pretty teenage girls did a dance number in skimpy skirts. Every seat was taken, many by attentive young boys. It was sweet. I watched from the back of the room. The girls swaying arm movements cast shadows on the ceiling above them. For a moment the shadows looked liked a many armed Hindu goddess. The allure of the female form in motion is a timeless story the world over.

With Castro's death, eventually the US will lift the four decade embargo and the island will change dramatically. My brother is convinced it is the embargo that has kept him power.

As George Carlin once said. "Who would have thought Communism would fail because there is no money in it!"

I love the island. I love the people. I love the music. I love the clear sunny weather, starry carribean nights and the sense of family that is everywhere.

Welcome home...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Eibrab

Hi Maril,

I am so sorry you are here. Heartache is never easy. Sharing it lessens the pain. Choosing to start over is a last resort - perhaps equally hard. Many many couples here work their way through enormous problems and come out the better for it.

Having lived on my own now for 7 months, I can't say the solidary life has much appeal for me. I like being part of a couple - there is a wholeness to it - that is lacking when you are single and unattached.

Personally, I am still hopeful - that Midnight will give way to Dawn and that he will shake himself out of what ever has him spellbound. I found I missed him alot on this trip. We have travelled to Cuba together twice - renting cars and driving about fully loaded with constantly changing Cubans trying to get from one place to another. He always really enjoyed the island.

I do believe he is sick. I am not sure it is manic depression more like just trouble adjusting to Mid Life.

There are many very knowledgeable veterans on the General Questions 2 forum too, who are wise and very helpful.

Thank you very much for your kind compliments. I do find writing soothes my soul.

Cheers,

PB

Journal,

I have been home roughly 24 hours busily catching up. I find I have little vestiges of my travels still in place. There is a little latin sway in how I walk, I sometimes reply in Spanish, the Starbucks cashier this morning was perplexed.

I have strong cravings for el jugo de fruta bomba - papaya juice made in the blender. You mix alitle water, sugar and chunks of papaya. Excellente!! I am alittle sunburnt. I have many mosquito bites. The mosquitos are tiny in Cuba, apparently I appeal to them.

Just too tired to concentrate right now, I think I will climb into my freshly laundered linen, sleep and dream of palm trees....

Hello Girls!

Did you miss me this week? I took the week off to take a breather and try and sort myself out. I am getting real antsy and unsettled with the one year anniversary of D-day coming up next weekend. I need your advice and sage words of wisdom. I have booked myself for something everynight this week and most of next so I don't sit around and stew but I'm really afraid I will backpedal into a place I thought I had left for good.

Friday I am going to a waterfowl fundraising dinner with my parents and a group of friends that have been going to this dinner for 10 years as couples with the EX and I. I went last year the week after D-day and it was awful. All I could think about was who was missing. My oldest and best friend is going with me this year and I don't want to be a drag on everyone again. Saturday is D-day and a lady friend of mine is having her 50th birthday party. I volunteered to bring the beer as her present and do the bartending for the evening. Sunday I leave for Las Vegas to meet up with a group of old friends to go to spring training in Phoenix for three days to watch our Giants tune up for a good season.

I feel like I am running from my emotions and I'm not sure cramming so much into those days will help or hurt. What do you think? Is this a rational way to deal with this or is it just trying to deny what I feel? It sure didn't help to have to watch EX and OM hugging and jumping up and down on each other last Saturday night when our UNR basketball team won the WAC tournament here in Reno. I almost lost it when OM hugged my DD who was with them. I know I shouldn't have looked but it's like trying not to look at a traffic accident when you go by. Your morbid sense of curiousity takes over and there you are staring at something ugly.

If you have the time and the patience I would love to hear thoughts from all of you,Paradise, Eibrab, Holiday and everyone else that lurks here. Help me out here because I am dreading losing the ground I have gained recently and I don't want to go back to where I was. I can feel those old emotions already building and the thoughts are coming in waves again. I just don't want to go all the way back to a year ago or anything even close to that.

Paradise, I'm glad you had such a nice trip! I didn't see anything about my cigars though. What's up with that?

Okay, start the posting and lets keep Ol' duk sane this week okay!

Dukhuntr -

Why hold yourself in bondage to the past? It sounds like you have a fun and EXCITING weekend planned. Don't others so much power in your life. Give yourself permission to go and have a great time.

Just a check in...duk emailed me today that he is coming thru Vegas in two weeks...hopefully we can meet.
D day was very stressful day...ours was on our 29th anniversayr of getting together. Still don't know why H chose that day the year before for his ONS.
H had another big exam today and came home hoping he failed so he can go back to his life (tired of school) of a firefighter.
He doesn't feel too confident in his studies as a paramedic, which brings down his self esteem, which in turn makes me worry.
Keep us in your prayers.
Peace,
holiday

Hi Holiday!

So nice to hear from you. Yow! A 29th anniversary D-day. The big plus is that there will be a 30th, 31st, 32nd .... anniversary for him to make it up to you on.

How is your friend Terry doing? I remember him in my prayers. Cancer is a grim foe.

I had lunch with a friend on Sunday who lost her husband last year to liver cancer. He was 46. One moment he was fine the next they told him he had only six months to live. She spent month after month visiting him in cancer wards - in one hospital after another in Israel, sleeping on chairs, the floor - seeing only the very sick. She said it was exhausting.

He has come to her in her dreams - five times. He is holding a baby. She lost a baby in childbirth. He is radiant, white and smiling. Each times she dreams this - she wakes up and then goes deeply and peacefully back to sleep.

Her 23 year old daughter stayed in Canada. When she came home - she had painted, cleaned and filled the apartment with flowers to welcome her Mom home.

I held her hand for a while thinking every life being lived is fraught with challenges, losses, joys, regrets, hopes and fears comingled. Yet somehow everyone gets through it day to day.

Are you still in home improvement mode? Tiling, painting, I bet you can plaster and do moldings like a pro!

Blue is whining with determined vigor right now. I have been out all night at Dharma class. He wants to play ... now Mommy!

Keep Dukhuntr away from the gaming tables .. and the liquor!

Cheers,

PB

Hi Dukhuntr,

Sorry for the delay in responding to your last post. I have been mulling it over. Triggers like anniversaries, that bring up sad hurtful memories - Yikes, what painful havoc they can wreck on your emotions.

Staying busy is the right the thing to do. It keeps your mind distracted. Dealing with loss, betrayal and hurt, is made much more difficult by how unruly our thinking can be. It is hard to discipline your mind - you end up telling yourself the same story over and over again. Till you are deeply distressed sometimes beyond distressed - it does no one any good.

Time and faith - are the answers. I wake up thinking my life is exactly as it should be right now. The buddhists think that those who betray and hurt us the most -are our greatest teachers because from that challenge we can learn patience and compassion. I am trying very hard to think of my husband with compassion. To understand what it is that is driving his behaviour. It helps.

Focusing on just getting through my days, getting done what I need to get done, making plans ahead of time so I am not sitting by myself much - also helps.

Before leaving for Cuba, I opened a bill that shows he is spending like a train on someone else - it just made me sigh. Last summer, looking at that kind of evidence would have made me cry for hours. This spring I simply got a sore neck for a couple of days. Eventually you detach. A big asset in life is accepting that you can be wrong. I believe Mr. Midnight will not be happy with his choices in the long run but I could be wrong too.

Instead of focusing on what you have lost - the intimacy of a many year relationship. Focus on what you have gained. The freedom to recreate a completely new life. Lately, I find I am excited about the fact that I have clean slate.

Enjoy Las Vegas! I will send you good thoughts.

Blue is huffing, starting snort, jumping up on my lap and licking my face. Time to don my fleece lined jeans and brave the cold...

Cheers,

PB

P.S. Sorry No cigar! I thought about it while I was there. However, there are huge penalties for sending Cuban goods into the U.S. Lately, Americans who have travel to Cuba through Canada have been hit with $10,000 fines.

Journal,

A busy day. I am prograstinating, I have a journal article to write. It is technical and dull. Tonight is the deadline and I am doing everything but. The editor has called my cell twice. I haven't picked up.

Blue and I just had a quick walk to a park we go to daily. My husband and I often would walk this trail. Tonight, there was a full moon covered in haze, cold wind, and a few big snowflakes scurrying hither and wither. Someone has hung a wind chime somewhere in the trees - soft tinkling sounds were carried in the wind.

The dog wants to play and he won't no for an answer I will be back...

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well we just had a rousing play session which culminated in a long energetic dig in the bed. Blue had a haircut today. He is full of beans.

We are sharing a flax cookie. They must be very healthy - 60% ground up flax seed. Blue loves them. I buy them at a health food store - when I do my Mom's grocery shopping. She is doing as well as can be expected. We had dinner together on Sunday. She misses my Dad terribly and has none of the busy work type stuff to distract her.

I just read Holiday's and Dukhuntr's last posts, and started to laugh so hard, the dog jumped up to look around and share the fun.

Life goes on... doesn't it.. with or without us. Now I really need to get down to writing that article or my name will be neither Paradise nor Winston but mud!

Hi Paradise,

It weird, the closer I get to this weekend the better I am feeling. Keeping busy is helping but just realizing I made it a year and am still here and semi-sane is lightening my mood up. Last year at this time I had pretty much shut myself down and figured it was for good. Now I know better, too much left to see and do.

I was so looking forward to that Cohiba! No cigar is worth 10,000 though. I won't tell my daughter this she brought me some from Mexico. If she heard that she'd faint.

I'm hoping to meet Holiday when I'm in Las Vegas. There's a part of me that wants to meet her in person, but there's another part of me that wants to keep the mental image I have of her now. I have this image of the hot biker mama that pops into my head every time I think of Holiday. It's like you giving me Winston Churchill in a bikini as an image of you. Not a nice thing by the way! I still have that thought occasionally when I think of you. It's like a curse you put on me now. I like the image I have of Holiday and I'm not so sure I want to lose that. It's comforting to think of her in my own way because the image I have matches the comforting thoughts and concern she has shown me here. Same as you Winston, I mean Paradise.

I do feel compassion for my EX these days. I think she is starting to figure out she won't be able to live to her old lifestyle very long on her settlement and her wages alone. She actually e-mailed me the other day and wanted to have the house appraised nine months after the divorce and get more from me because the property values here are still skyrocketing and she wanted her share in that. A very polite but firm referral to my attorney ended this line of thought so far. I really think she did the settlement anticipating a return and now she doesn't want that. Or she thinks I will never let her come back. Pretty intuitive on her part. It would take a miracle for that to happen now.

Well give Blue and extra cookie for me tonight and have a good sleep. I will check in later this week.

My Mom used to always say to me when a boy would break up with me when I was younger..."why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?"...I could never find the answer.

Thanks for the "biker momma" image, but I would love to be even a smidgen of Winston in a bikini. I acutally look like "Carmela Soprano"...I have even given autographs and make people crowd when we go down to the strip in Vegas. Had a man shaking in the elevator just a few weeks ago thinking he was in a presence of a movie star (cracks me up).

D day is a tough one, but you know, you'll make it, I know you'll make it.

Love to you both,

holiday

Hello Holiday!

Carmela Soprano is "HOT". So my image of you is different already. I had you pegged as a brunette with long straight hair. Curly blonde is even better!

If we are going to get together we need to find a way to connect when I get there so e-mail me later this week and we can kinda formulate a plan. The only kinks will be my buddies and our return trip from Phoenix. They are not that dependable on keeping a schedule or for making firm plans in advance. That's why I don't fly out until early Thursday morning. I couldn't count on them getting me to the airport at any given time Wednesday. With 12 of us going I'm fairly sure bail money will be required sometime during the trip for someone. I just hope it's not me! Never been in jail or arrested or even detained yet, I'm hoping to keep it that way. Can't say the same for the rest of the crew.

I will make it, I have an amazing bunch of old friends and a few new friends that are pretty special too! I am looking forward to next week already so no chickening out on me now, okay? Just a casual drink or two and maybe a meal and some time together to put a face to the words and thoughts I have been reading for so long.

Talk to you soon.

DukHunter...

I keep reading here and wanting so badly to support you and say the right things... but I don't have to.

You are just fine...and such a wonderful, Vegas bound man...

I'm really proud of your last posts.. They spark a bit of "attitude"...

I have bail money in my saddlebags, ready to ride when you make your one call...

God Bless you, my friend..

Eibrab

Duk...remember...Carmela is married to Tony! and I don't want to upseta Tony.

Yes, I too sense a "spark" of attitude. Sounds like the Phx-Vegas trip is just what the doctor ordered. Hopefully (and hubby willing) we will be able to meet up, if only for a hello in the airport.

Wish we could all get together! I think I need a Canadian trip!

holiday

Journal,

Just in from walking the dog, it is cold and windy here. Blue trotted briskly, well in the lead, tail high, wearing a natty black turtleneck. He decides where he wants to go, checking back over his shoulder to make sure I am keeping up.

During my spinning class today, I counted 6 tattoos in a variety of locations. Apparently tattoos have morphed into the professional gal crowd. While I toiled my way up the hills, I wondered if I was too old to get a tattoo, perhaps one that reads "I Love Blue" in a heart or the Japanese symbol for happy to wear over my heart. Oh well perhaps not....

Working out helps me sleep, I still wake up at night, missing the sound of my husband snoring. His snoring has the uncanny ability to keep me awake - even when absent. Funny the things you miss.

I saw the "The Fastest Indian" tonight. Anthony Hopkins gave a great performance and it is a wonderful story. Over coffee, my friend and I chatted about dreams. How important they are. We tried to remember the ones we had as children. She wanted to be a tennis pro - win every game and wear tiny skirts. I can see her teenage self jumping over the net.

It is quiet here - only the sound of my typing away, connecting with my far flung friends via amazing technology. It would make for an interesting weekend to meet everyone face to face. I will be the one with the furrowed brow - smoking the stogie!

Big yawn... time to light a candle .. put on some jazz and go soak my stiff limbs...

How goes it Ladies?

Well the big weekend is almost here and none too soon. I am excited for the first time in a long while. Nothing but fun for five days!

Holiday, in no way do I want you to do anything to upset "T". As a matter of fact I want to meet him too. If we can do something bring him and I'll buy him a drink too. After all of his tests and studying he probably needs one. Do not do anything that would upset him or cause any problems.

Eibrab, I can just picture you riding to the rescue with the bail money. Let's just hope it's not really necessary. Phoenix is a rather long ride to help out an idiot friend from MB!

Paradise, I will bring you the cigars to smoke if and when we do decide to get together, and some good cognac to sip with it. It would be a really entertaining evening to sit around and tell war stories together wouldn't it? Some food, a couple bottles of wine and then the cigars and good friends. Someday we have to think about just such an evening. Until then we can still just talk and let our imaginations paint the pictures we enjoy so much when reading each others posts. Especially your posts Paradise. Your trips are enjoyed by all of us by just hearing you describe the sights and sounds you have experienced. Plus we all wish we could be doing these things with you, not just reading about them.

Have a great evening everyone!

Had to edit my opening, upon further thought calling you girls is probably not only offensive to you but also a bit chauvinistic on my part. - SORRY!

Pb...tatoos??? Hmmm, I must tell you, I had one done after my 41st birthday. It's the Japanese symbol for energy. Don't know why I did it and forget that it is even there (approx on my tailbone) sometimes. Funny how you mentioned spin and seeing tatoos everywhere, even with the "professional" crowd. I am in my 3rd week of "spin" and I guess I have seen quite a few too.

Pretty painful ordeal a tatoo. I watch Miami Ink now and then and have seen alot of beautiful artwork. Keep me posted if you go for it. I think they can be healing. My H had a portrait of his Mother done two days after she passed away from living with cancer for 3 years. It's a picture of her when she was a young woman. Only hard part for me sometimes is rolling over and kissing his arm only to be faced with my MIL, ha!

Have a great night,

holiday