Paradise,

If for no other reason alone I will remember this Christmas as special because of your last post. The Phoenix has risen and Paradise is alive again!!!! I am so happy for you, just hearing the excitement in your words makes me feel wonderful. Now is definitely the time to really "let go of the steering wheel" and see where life takes you.

Have a very Merry Christmas and a wonderful and even more exciting New Year!!!

duk

Dukhuntr,

Wishing you and yours a wonderful christmas and a great 2007. It is always a tricky time of year to get through, so many memories sometimes crowd in. I know you will have a sad moment or two.

My niece and nephew stopped by today to drop off my gifts. I was at my funniest I thought. Yet, my nephew started to get teary eyed. We all just stood and hugged for a while. After they left I cried for a solid hour. I miss them. It is not the same.

I have the car mostly packed for a quick exit in the morning. The dog is with Dad so he won't be complaining about not having the entire back seat. Last year we listened to yowling and christmas carols the entire drive.

My Mom is in wickedly good spirits. She has taken to dressing like me. It reminds me of being six again. Except I get to make the choices.. this year we are wearing red leather!

Hoping there are some really good treats under the tree for Jamie and that Santa remembers just what a good guy you really are!!!!!

Hugs

Paradise

PS. Eibrab, Canation, Holiday.. my love and best wishes for a great holiday season and may 2007 be wonderful for you and yours!

Paradise...

Merry Christmas, my dear friend!

I have been in the best of moods for a few days now because of your post a few days ago. It surely lifted me from the slump life has guided me into once more.

We all know the good days are great and the bad days are truly very low. Today is a good day, so I won't bother to damped the mood with an update, but will wait until we are all past the holiday and can share the good fortune and peaceful times I hope it brings..

Merry Christmas to Duk, Carnation and Holiday, too. I have sent a mental Christmas card to each of you.

...full of those confetti decorations that fall to the floor when you open it . ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Oh, and..is it REALLY red leather this year?

A very impressed,

Eibrab

PS Merry Christmas Coast !... ( <== a friend who is as touched by this thread silently as those of us here living it)

December 26

Journal

Whew… back home from a short stay up north. I wanted a really quiet Christmas. Last year, I decorated to the nines, filled the chalet with people, tried to make it all look normal. It really wasn’t. This year, just, Mom and I spent Xmas eve by the fire drinking champagne. We watched a White Christmas and It’s a Wonderful Life.

She was in wickedly good spirits…humming ...singing to her self..and has taken to wearing bold red lipstick. I am beginning to think that she may be how do I put this delicately “active”? She’s over 80 and very discreet, I think she might be worried I won’t approve.. It kind of makes me giggle actually! I say absolutely nothing. MUM's the word! Life can be full of sweet surprises when you least expect them, when you perhaps have given up hope for one.

After she went to bed, Xmas eve, I sat by the fire pondering the flames.. missing the dog, my dad. Funny how even when you lose someone, sometimes they are still a voice in your head. I hear him sometimes when I am trying to make a decision, a choice. He is still there in my phrases of speech, my thoughts, how I act.

Well after midnight, I headed down to the beach, sat on a picnic bench and watched the moon on the water.. thinking of all the family moments this time of year brings.. wishing the world well, all my friends in particular. I am blessed with wonderful friends.

We had a small Xmas dinner too, just seven of us. Crown pork, not turkey with cranberry apricot dressing, very stylish looking. Much wine was drunk, increasingly bad jokes were told, everyone had a good time.

There is no snow here, I hiked the trails I normally snow shoe in sneakers. Just as I was closing the trunk, all packed up to head home, big fat flakes of snow started to drift down lazily. I was sad I was not staying to watch it cover the piles of leaves with a winter blanket.

We dined out at a friend’s lovely beach house, in our travels. She is a designer and it is chock a block with detail and colour. Over her dining room window over looking the water she has in bold print. "We Cannot Direct the Wind but We Can Adjust Our Sails"

I am going to say that to myself at least once a day.
I like the sound of it.

So glad to hear you are in good spirits Eibrab! It put a big smile on my face!


Bigs hugs all.. Happy New Year!

Happy New Year to my friends on this thread !

It brings much emotional joy to me to be remembered by such grand people...

Once again, I leave this thread so much the better.... thank you

Carnation

I know it's a couple of days early but I had the time and didn't want to foget to wish you a very happy birthday! I miss our online talks and you wisdom.

I am doing okay. Trying to be my own counselor for a change. Sometimes I feel it's working, other times I wish I could reach out and talk to you or Eibrab or Holiday even if for just a few minutes. Safari Girl has taken me on a year long ride to nowhwere I'm afraid. She has been so hurt by other men in the past she just can't let anyone else in. Believe me I have tried! She is an extraordinary person but lives behind a huge wall of self preservation. All taker and very little give in her.

So it's back to me and Jaime out in the marsh for the last three weeks of the season. I almost hate taking her out now because it is so cold. It took twenty minutes to unthaw her coat last weekend after our hunt. Came into the cabin, laid down on my bed and melted a puddle right in the middle of where I sleep.

Give Blue a birthday present for me on Thursday too! Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR B, happy birthday to you!

Duk

Hi There Dukhuntre

Thank you very kindly for the birthday wishes. Yep it is Thursday… planning to take the day off.. do lunch with a friend and then a spa afternoon and dinner with two of my oldest friends.

The place I am taking them to ..is a water spa. Different types of steam baths.. tea pools ..salt water pools .. cold plunge pools.. very European ..very cool. I was there for the first time over the holidays. My girlfriend assured me that no one wore swim suits. We arrived only to find that - in fact everyone did .. except us..

There is something comic.. about having no clothes on when everyone else does. Not only was I one of the two nude gals.. in a group of 40 odd ladies .. I was the one with the giggles.

I am sorry you are disappointed with Safari Girl.. but often I think it is our expectations that lead us astray. Sometimes better not to have any. Accept the moment.. enjoy it for what it is .. fun is always there to be had.. life is meant to be happy. It is such a fleeting experience, a precious opportunity to be aware.

Adjusting after such a long time married is hard. I find it lonely at times too. Often at night, when it is just the dog and I. Much easier, if I stay busy. I still do my Buddhist class once a week. I am running serious milage … every day… somewhere between 5 to 12 miles. Clearing out some paper, I found my old university fitness levels and decided to try to get back there before I die.. even if it is only for a short time. Plus I keep finding projects to do around my home. I am contemplating learning an instrument. Since my marriage broke up .. I have been listening to music .. almost all the time.

I still check the forum regularly.. although I know I have not been posting much. It is just that life is sort of regular now… sort of basic mundane everyday stuff.

Thank you again for the happy birthdays.. my friend… big hugs..


Paradise

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Happy, happy Birthday Paradise !!!

Today is my dgd birthday. She is a lively, big brown-eyed girl. Very similiar to what I imagine you.

Today, I will celebrate too --- what a wonderful day this is.

Sending warmest wishes for a grand birthday PB !!

Carnation

Ahh! Something drew me here today!

Happy Birthday Paradise... I'm going to eat cake for you.

Lots of it.

Eibrab

Hi Eibrab, Carnation2

Thank you very much for the happy birthdays. It was as it happens, a relaxing day full of fun and friends, very happy all round. Part of it I spent curled up on the couch with a box of photos.. just thinking.

Sometimes on occasions like birthdays, you think about your life as a picture sort of, a canvass of your choices, the ones you have made and the ones you have yet to make.

There are times when all seems to be in focus, the picture complete and others when your perspective blurs because change has moved through quickly taking away alot of definition. Now I have blank areas which I know I need to paint in... but for the moment I am happy to leave them blank. Living life well, requires you to articulate what you want that picture to look like. Like everything it all starts with a thought.

Two old friends and I spent the afternoon at an European water spa then on to an oyster house, we talked, ate great food and laughed a lot. Before I met them, I took the time to dig up some old photos of us doing just that some 25 .. 20… 15.. 10.. 5 ..years earlier, smiling at the changes, and the expressions that were pretty much constant throughout.

Aging refines you but there are things within which I think remain constant. Your basic traits, smile, laugh.. they stay the same. My peppy 20 year old friend is now my peppy 54 year old friend. It is a blessing being around people with whom you have shared your journey.

Funny in this journal, the same applies, voices, experiences, heart felt emotions have all been shared here. I am very thank full for it. All the nights when I couldn’t sleep or woke up early - wondering what happened ..feeling lost.. I had a very special place to go. A place where I knew there where others grappling with the same challenges.


Life is about sharing. Thank you all very much for sharing mine…..


Big Hugs..

Paradise

Hello Eibrab,

I have been wondering about you. How are things on the ranch? Have you taken that new bow out yet and flung any arrows at critters? I miss hearing from you too you know. How about a short update sometime soon?

duk

Paradise,

Ever wish your WS would get drunk one night and do a drunk&dial and try to explain all the whats and why's of his A's?

I do and it would go a long way to giving me a feeling of closure with my EX. It been almost two years now and I still haven't felt a sense of closure with her. I wish it would hurry up and happen.

My dear Dukhunter!


I am on my way out for one of my DS's basketball games, but rest assured I will get you that update ASAP.

Make coffee.. it may be long <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

And you know... would knowing everything bring you closure or just anger ? The further I get into "life" the less I'd like to know about the things that hurt... and the more I'd like to know about what true peace and mindfulness is.

I've spent many hours with that bow this season...and every last bit of game has been completely safe in my company.. LOL

I must tell you, too, about my new venture into raising gamebirds! It's put a spark in my step for sure..

More soon, my friends..

Eibrab

PS *wave* to PB and Carnation !

Yes I am a sick individual!!! I would just like to hear even a rationalization of why she would go to these lengths when she could have just walked at any time during the eight months it went on without me knowing a thing.

Keep after the practice with the bow! Sooner or later something will run into an arrow. Just being quiet in the woods is good enough for me most days. Get some chukar growing! Nothing tastier in terms of gamebirds, including ,in my opinion, pheasant.

I will look forward to your update soon!!!!

duk

Hey There Dukhuntre,

I have been thinking about your question today. I honestly don’t think your wife could really give you the answers or closure you are looking for. Infidelity is not rational. It is not a linear thing that is readily explained. More like a kind of crazy that affects how someone behaves to the extent that in many instances they will sacrifice their marriage, children, careers, money... all for a desired object.. for a compulsion… that they have convinced themselves will make them happy.

This site has shown that is pretty much never the case. You can’t explain crazy. You just have to see it for what it is .. crazy

I will lay you down a bet that the relationship your wife has with OM will not withstand the test of time. Somewhere down the road, it will dissolve too.

Happy comes from within. If you are making choices thinking that it is based on having someone, or something that you can obtain outside yourself. .. then you are doomed to be unhappy. There is no way around it in my mind.

Big hugs my friend, I know it is hard. You can spend a lot of time wondering. It is not time well spent. Let it go…let it go

Big hugs..

Paradise

Thanks PB,

Yes I know hearing her side wouldn't really accomplish anything. I think this thing I had with Safari Girl just set me back a bit again and I need to refocus for a while.

I put too much into the relationship with her and never got much back. Not the way I wanted things to go and certainly not the way I would have liked to see it end with her either.

I'm not even sure the EX is still seeing the OM. I have been totally dark with her for 9 months now and have no idea what is going on there. Don't want to know either. My kids keep me up to date on their uncles but kindly don't tell me anything about their mother. Both uncles are either currently back in prison or just out. Luckily I don't have to deal with that drama anymore!

Thanks for listening! Have a great week and give Blue a hug for me.

duk

Hey Dukhuntr,

Recovery is like that some forward, some backward steps… but you are still one by one taking them … big smile my friend. If you go back and read some of your heart rendering entries of earlier times you will see how far you have come.

I have my Bodem coffee press on the counter, full of Starbucks coffee, waiting for that update from Eibrab.

Wishing you all well and happy..

Big Hugs

Paradise


Journal,

Thought I would do a quick journal entry too. I went wall climbing today, a one hour lesson and then another hour of practice, with a cute little red headed lad probably all of 24. It was an absolute blast. It made my heart sing. I loved it. I bought a membership and will be shopping for climbing shoes tomorrow.

After climbing up a 45 foot wall, I sat up there for a moment and thought of the things that have happened that led me to be in that precise spot at the exact moment, both good and bad and found I had a moment of non-duality. The bad didn’t seem so bad and the good didn’t seem so good.

I was just happy to be there…

Hey Dunkhuntr,

This so made me think of you.. hope it makes you smile

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. -

Call her Lazarus — and then some.
The ring-neck duck has been shot by a hunter, rescued from two days in a refrigerator by his wife and — in its latest brush with death — resuscitated on a veterinarian's operating table.

The one-pound female duck stopped breathing Saturday during an operation to repair gunshot damage to her wing, said Noni Beck of Goose Creek Wildlife Sanctuary. Veterinarian David Hale performed CPR and managed to get the fractured fowl breathing again after several tense moments.

"I started crying, 'She's alive!'" Beck said.

Perky grabbed national attention last week after a hunter's wife opened her refrigerator door and the supposedly dead duck lifted its head and looked at her. The duck had been in the fridge for two days since it was shot and mistaken for dead on Jan. 15.

Perky, who now has a pin in hers wing, will probably not undergo any more surgery because of a sensitivity to anesthesia, Hale said. The duck is recovering from its latest ordeal.

Hi PB!

An amazing story isn't it? I read it too and my first reaction was not favorable towards the hunter. As a real hunter I respect the animals I hunt. Part of that respect is to ensure the animal does not suffer unnecessarily. If it were me in the story I would be highly embarrassed and ashamed of myself.

On the bright side that just leaves one more for me to chase after next season! I think part of my uneasyness right now stems from the fact that hunting season withdrawal has begun. Without my weekend forays into the marsh I feel lost as to what to do until it gets warm enough to golf. Instead I am immersed in the hunting clubs annual financial statements and budgets for next year. Not near as much fun as hunting itself.

I am going to start a PB like house cleaning, repainting and revitalizing project to try and get some positive thoughts going again. I normally hate this stuff and put it off whenever possible. I'll let you know how it goes.

duk

Hi Duk: I am new to this forum and have enjoyed the readings from yourself, pb, holiday and of course eibrab. My story is similar to "eibrab". I have been with my husband for 21 years (13 of them married) My husband left me in 2005 and my (2) kids (15yr girl, 12yr boy) He has been having an affair which I come to find out has been going on for some time. He went to live with this woman. He just up and left without any explanation and was gone for 15 months. During that time he came home making visits and he continued to pay all household bills. At this time I'm still waiting for him to tell me what's the problem. He also has a gambling problem. And the other women also gambles and enables him to gamble. When he has no money she is right there. Anyway he came home in May 2006 to which I thought was to work on our family/marriage. At that time he was to have to contact with this person to which I believed because he seldom went out like he used to in the past. Any way I just found out Jan. 2007 that he was still seeing her and guess what now all of a sudden she's pregnant. (which I believe she did on purpose to have a permanent hold on him). He sold her he didn't want any more children but as you can see (someone didn't wear protection (him). That was the last straw and that same day I went to court and got the paper work to file for divorce. I also like "eibrab" was willing to do what ever it takes to keep the family and my marriage together. But since I was the only one into being married ( and by the way he never wanted to be married he only asked me so that the kids could be closer to him)by him now having another child while we are married I just couldn't deal with. I still love him very much despite everything that has happen but I now and also my kids will have to deal with knowing he has another child. Please give advice. Need some badly right now.