We just had a 11 day break at our holiday home in Wales. It was lovely. Squid and I spent intimate times together, in the majestic tranquillity of the Welsh mountains. There was no ACTIVE recovery, we did not have affair or much recovery talk. We just breathed deeply and enjoyed each others company. Recovery battles can be exhausting.

Our friend has a home near ours and our kids played and fished in the sunshine together, while we sat and talked together some days.

She intimated to us that her marriage has problems. Not infidelity, but a lack of communiation, a total lack of deliberate EN-meeting, a surfeit of LBs. Boredom. fear. Dissatisfaction. Point scoring. This is a lovely couple, who are not having affairs but their marriage is SH1T: crumbling and they are taking no real steps to fix it.

Then there is a teacher at my son's school. She is a great friend to us. She too is bored in her marriage, and her H is bored with her. They think they are'riding out the storm' of the seven year itch. But taking no active steps to fix their marriage.

Then another friend who works 12 hours per day, six days per week....poor communications and lots of conflict avoidance...

Then a work colleague who works long hours and travels a lot, and who has casual sex a lot outside his M declaring it keeps his M 'exciting'.

Then another who tells me his 22 year M is now a "partnership" that he and his W are comfortable with, while he also has casual SF on work travel.

Then Squids BF who suspects ( rightly in my view) her H is having an EA at least but will not confront, but instead is living in fear and driven to anorexia..

then...then...then....almost every marriage I know of is another bad example.

Here's the rub - I cannot see a single other marriage in my circle of knowledge that is as good, realistic, invested and truly appreciated as mine and Squid's is now.

I do not see anywhere the love in the eyes of any spouse that I see in Squids eyes for me, or she sees in my eyes for her.

I do not see anywhere the instinct to POJA everything important.

I do not see anywhere the naked honesty and artlessness that Squid and I share.

I do not know any other couple with the kind of passionate, loving SF life that Squid and I have.

This is strange for me to write. I was surprised to see these words come from me, but I have reread them and they are still true. Squid and I have a better marriage now than almost anyone I know and we are not yet recovered.

I HATE that it took an affair to make us appreciate what we were losing, but I cannot deny that sneakily, without either of us noticing, our marriage has improved enormously. In the last 2 weeks we shared more love, intimacy, affection, fun, tears and prayer than in many years. And we are both assured that we are not 'playing at it' because we've been in recovery for almost a year now. We're here and working on our M because we want to. Not because we're scared of any alternative. We have tools and the will to continually assess and improve our M.

Has anyone else stopped fighting the aftermath of the affair and turned around to see that they'd actually WON already ?

Every improvement from here on is a bonus. Thank God.

Even marriages without affairs endure their share of pain, conflict, and require regular maintenance. I think we BS forget that and associate every problem in recovery WITH recovery. I review and thats just not so.

Whats your experience ?

Bob, you and Squid step up on the podium because you are WINNERS! Your marriage went through a tough time and now you are reaping the rewards of your persistence and love. Does Squid also share your opinion?

Hi Bob,

I’m glad you and Squid enjoyed your break together and I can hear all is well with the two of you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Sometimes couples just need a quite time of rest, quietness & intimacy together without actively “working” on the M etc. I think such time allows both partners to relax and get “emotionally charged” again. As soon as my H’s court case is over, he gets his job back and we can afford it again, we want to take such a break as well. I can really feel we need it... The past 20 months (since my H was victimised & lost his job) was stressfull & draining.

Bob, if we trust God, have faith in Him and obey Him, He can take EVERY bad & horrible experience & circumstances in our lives and work it out for the GOOD. This was definitely the case with you & Squid… This is so evident in your posts. All the thanks and glory to Him! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Blessings,
Suzet

GG
Does Squid also share your opinion?

I discussed this with her this morning. I asked how she felt about our relationship and her life. She said she felt undeserving of me and the blessings of our life together but was coming to terms with it slowly.

I think both of us are surprised after a long dark tunnel that we are emerging , blinking , into the light when we were not expecting it.

Suzet, I pray all goes well with your H's case. You folks don't need that stress now.

While I do know that my M is better than it's been in 7+ years, we're still in early stages of recovery - complete w/ all the bumps & bruises. *ouch* Meaning, now that we've (for most part) gotten over the A and all its horrible ramifications, we are now finally tackling all the missing pieces of our M that pre-dated the A. Not an easy feat. I guess the biggest plus out of this is at least we're working on them, right? That's a HUGE improvement from both of us going in complete opposite directions and ignoring all of our problems. This is going to sound funny, but if you asked me the same question on Sat, I would have said the most enthusiastic YES! But, unfortunately, an old problem (my H's porn addiction) reared its ugly head yesterday, so I feel like we've taken a giant step back.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I guess this is all a part of recovery. Grrr. I just keep telling myself ... it'll get better.

You and Squid are my inspiration and my key to hope.
My sincere thanks for sharing your stories so openly with us.

Sincerely,

K.D's Heartbreak

Hi Bob, saw your reply on Alph's thread. Glad you had a fab holiday. Mine couldn't have been stranger. I think I was over-dosed with anti-biotics in Ireland. After the pneumonia I had thrush, cystitis, conjunctivitis and a rash on my face that made me look like I had teenage spots. Never even had acne back then! "Am I bothered?" (Heavily into Catherine Tate Show!)

Anyway, I just wanted to say how lucky you both are to share the same dreams now. You'll always have hiccups along the way but you really seem united in your desire to keep your marriage in good shape. How's nan?

hey TT. Bloody ******, talk about bad luck on your holiday ! I reckon theres a £500 quid fee from 'take a break' if you send 'em your 'true life holiday horror!' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Nan's buggered. Riddled. Only some unknown purpose keeps her ticking.

Bob - thanks for this post. It is good to read the success stories.

I hope to join you in success someday.

THANK YOU!!!!

far

edited - gotta learn how to spell "success"

What an inspirational story.

Can I confess???

Things are amazing here also since D-DAy...even since A ended last year, I have never felt more loved and appreciated from FWH.

It's amazing but bittersweet. It makes me angry to know that it took an A, almost losing me...to realize my worth! Especially, after I almost died the year the A began.

I understand that perhaps sometimes it takes this to make a marriage better...I can see that in our relationship also.

It's a tough pill to swallow though and admit!

One thing is for sure, I am completely grateful for the relationship I now have with my FWH. On the other hand, I never want to go through the hardship that my family and I have endured throughout this whole ordeal again.

Thank you for your inspirational story. I can see myself almost there...but not quite. I know I have to take that leap and just let it go.
I have a few things to overcome and I know what they are...
and when I do...I will feel almost back to my old self again...

Thank you for posting your story!

you and squid - im glad that things are working for you.
My wh is still living with ow. He moved in with her after I found them together. He didnt choose me. I could have dealt with this better if he moved in with family- but not her.
He keeps saying he knows how much i love him and am willing to work on this- but he needs space. How do you deal with that? How do you see someone you love ruin what we had- granted it isnt perfect but.....
My heart is broken and im doing everything I can to let go and get him out of my system. I still want him to call me (he barely)He does come see the kids. I look at him and see he looks older and life is not agreeing with him. I bought him a shirt and belt because he was wearing one taped with scotch tape.
How do i get him out of my system so i can be free. he says he was barely here with us anyway. Hes right I guess i never looked close enough- i have been raising the kids by myself. My heart is so broken that I am still willing to take him and work on this marraige- but he pushes me away with I need to work on myself and need sapce. I know how you feel about me. How can you say this to someone after 24 years? He dosent want to talk about anniversary coming up.
I wonder if the other woman has grown tired of him - he has no money- car totalled- replacement car not working- she filed bankruptcy 2 mos. ago- she has a rep at the job of having been with other supervisors but he is the nut who left his family to be with her. he says he dosent want a divorce.
I dont know where i am?

WK
Plan B is designed to remove you from the chaos and give WH the chance to miss the benefits you bring to his life. it sounds like time form plan B for you, darl'.

All blessings.

Do you think this will work? what if he says fine and wont come back- no one wants me.

You can't make him come back WK. All you can do is be the best 'you' you are prepared and able to be.

All BS fear being alone after d-day. I know I did. It didn't take long however for me to be hit on a couple of times and made me realise that I wouldn't be alone unless I chose that.

I suspect the same sit is with you.

Plan B has worked in MANY situations that the Harleys have counselled.

What would you do if you weren't afraid, WK ?

if i weren't afraid- I would have kicked him to the curband divorced him and moved on after being humilated and told I dont love you in that way or your my best friend....When i gave him the stuff - he hugged and kissed me and started t say I lo.....your my best friend... what is that??????
I feel like i am just a doormat andhe is walking over me....Bob do you think reality is settling in over there- is he suffering at all like me?
Does he evn care or think about me or is it all lies?????

Same feeling here, Bob. At first when I felt this I thought there has to be something wrong with this, that it took an A to wake us both up. All that pain and hurt and now things are better. Things are not perfect, nor do I suspect they ever will be, but so much truth and honesty came out due to the A. I am not sure if that would of happened any other way.

I HATE that it happened but I am in a better marriage now than I have been in such a long time.

Bob, I'll bite. I agree very much with your assessment of the surrounding marriages. I see the same thing and always have. But my assessment will probably warrant some 2 x 4's. I have ALWAYS felt I had a better marriage than most EVEN while in the midst of the A. In fact I felt like I went through the A with W. I won't get into the why's but it was extremely obvious she was "in love" with someone else. But we still spent an inordinate amount of time together as best friends. Even while she criticized me to justify her A, her words rang hollow. She said to me in the height of it, "you're a great guy and you know it don't you". I am not saying it was easy, it certainly wasn't and it still isn't.

But again even while she was in the A, I would say our M was better than most. Now that's saying something. Maybe this is indicative of society, OR I simply travel in the wrong crowd. But I have a large family and get to see these relationships up close. I routinely hear comments like "cheaper to keep her" etc. So there is definitely a lot of "settling" gone on out there. While I wouldn't want to go through this again I would say that it was a wakeup call and if we had to go through it, I'm glad I'm the BS and not the WS. Not sure W could have handled it. A long way to go but again I feel like we've gone through this together and should come out in better shape because of it.

WOE

AJ & I have been really happy together the last 2 months, and in many ways our marriage is already better than pre-A, too, but I am having a very hard time making the mental switch from active A to recovery.

It's way deeper than just checking all forms of communication to make sure NC is still in place. I'm not sure just how to describe it, but I just can't seem to relax and savor the outpouring of love and attentiveness. I just keep waiting for the bottom to drop out again.

I expect that I will conduct random checks of communications avenues till we're at least 102, but at some point I know I'm going to have to unwind just a little bit, and place a teeny bit of faith in the progress that we've made. Maybe in a year or two I'll be able to lay down my sword and even take a small nap.

but I am having a very hard time making the mental switch from active A to recovery.

NSYN I feel like a japanese soldier liberated from Burma's jungle 30 years after the war ended because he never got confirmation that hostilities have ceased. And he never knew another way to live but war.

I realised this vacation that I am fighting no enemy anymore. I am rebuilding the peace now. The war is won.

Excellent simile, Bob, I know just what you mean. You and Squid are an awesome road map for all the rest of us stumbling along farther down the same path. The rallying cry: "If Bob can do it, we can do it!" At some point my brain will figure out that I can enjoy my new-improved spouse and my new-improved marriage without sacrificing the necessary vigilance.