I know that there are a lot of new people, and I never really gave the story of what happened to Sprint...so I thought I would take the time and write my story. I think once upon a time, I did write the story of my A, but in a time where I was loosing sprint as well...This is REALLY long, and of course even being long, just a summary...

In 2004, I had 3 surgeries within 6 months, the last one being in June a major pelvic reconstruction and I lost my uterus (I did keep my ovaries). I had just turned 27 years old when I lost my uterus.

I went into the last surgery feeling it was fine, that I was done having children and loosing the ability to have more was no big deal. I came out of the surgery feeling different. Now it was no longer my CHOICE to not have more children – I couldn’t have more children even if I changed my mind. This did not sit well with me. Many people, including H kept telling me it was no big deal, so I kept convincing myself it was no big deal – even smiled and told the doc post op I was fine. But inside, I felt small, alone, scared, confused.

During this time, H couldn’t be there with me, as his business was failing. At the same time, he was loosing his best friend of 7 years as this friend was his business partner and the falling out of the business caused them to lose the friendship as well. H kept escaping by going and playing computer games and hiding from the world. He wanted to do less and less with me. When I tried to bring up how I was feeling, H would get mad and tell me I was loosing it or I was making something out of nothing…I never pushed the issue.

H started playing a sport that I decided to get into because I could spend time with him. In this sport was the only time he really paid attention to me, and seemed proud of me. And because of that – I enjoyed this sport with him, but I continued to wonder more and more who I was, and what type of marriage I was in. The negative cycle began.

By September, I was convinced that due to the way H was treating me, he was only married to me out of convenience. This was propelled by the fact that now that he was trying to save his business with a new partner, he was leaving me out of the details – he didn’t want my opinion and actually got mad if I gave my advice – which wasn’t how we ever had been before. I was so enthralled in my own world and problems, I couldn’t see H was going through a rough time as well. In September I had started rewriting history. I figured I was the only one with love in the marriage – that he didn’t really love me as much as I loved him…but that was okay – I would work with what I had…

I met OM at the end of September at an out of town game that H and I attended. He became a friend of H’s and a friend of mine. He was a shameless flirt, and it was uncomfortable at first. H and I joked about it. I met OMW and she and I became friends too – we would all talk online for hours as a group. Within a few weeks OM and I started talking on our own – about kids, about marriages, etc. He told me about affairs he had in the past, two of which he and his wife were recovered from, and one he had over the summer. He also told me about some swinging him and his wife had done early in their marriage. His wife had told him regarding future affairs, as long as I don’t know about it – go ahead. I thought this was strange, and as I talked to his wife more and more I discovered how hard she was still recovering from his A’s 3 years ago. I figured it’s their marriage though and not my business. I was more focused on a friendship I had with the OM. I thought it was nice to have someone who could sympathize with my feeling small. OM went out of town for a week in the middle of October, and I found myself missing him. I was surprised. I didn’t realize in my mind at that time, that he had become so important of a friend to me. When he got back, I told him that I had missed him, he said surprisingly he had missed me too.

From there, things evolved. OM was unemployed at the time, and I was a Stay at home mom, so we chatted online all day everyday…sharing our feelings about our spouses, venting our frustrations…one day OM mentioned he was starting to feel things, but didn’t want to say what he was feeling. I said the same thing. Now – we had only been talking for a month…so this of course was the WS fog feelings, but at the time, they felt real. OM was always very sexually flirtation from the start, being very crude, etc – it wasn’t something that bothered me anymore, and one night he admitted that sometimes when I was on the web cam he masturbated and if it bothered me. I said no – I was flattered. I liked the reaction I could give him, as H never seemed to react to me that way. He then proceeded to move the web cam and I watched him get off over the web cam. I felt a little awkward, but was amazed that I could make someone that excited.

At the beginning of November, I took a trip to visit my parents as they live in the same city as OM, and really wanted to spend some time with OM. H drove me down, and H and went over to OM’s house for drinks on the first night. I was so happy that H got along with OM, in a way I felt that he approved of him. On Monday, I invited Om to go to the zoo with me. The zoo was my favorite place in the world. H never wanted to go with me, so I wanted to share something with the OM that meant a lot to me. We kissed there for the first time. I didn’t feel guilty, but I also knew it was wrong…but how could something that felt good feel wrong. I promised myself it would never go farther than a kiss.

I spent everyday at OM’s house with OMW and kids…and on a Thursday night, after a business meeting I had, I met up with OM and we went for a drive. We sat there, and I waited for him to tell me all the wonderful things he had to say about me and make me feel good…but he wasn’t so smooth in person as he was online….he kissed me, and all of a sudden his smoothness came back. The way he talked to me made me feel so good and I realized all I had to do was show him sexuality to get that out of him. That night we had SF in the back of his wife’s car.

I got home that night to my mom’s and felt good and bad all at the same time, bad because I let it get to this point, and that I degraded myself by having sex in the back of a car while I was married…but good because of all the things he said to me, I felt so wanted, attractive, understood. All the things I wanted to feel.

The next night, OMW’s was going out, and I stopped by to say goodbye – I promised myself it was a one time thing, and wouldn’t allow sex again…but repeat of the night before, unless I was sexual, OM didn’t make me feel how I wanted to feel. So on his living room floor, we did it again. I left very quickly after that. This one made me feel guilty…but I justified it away, saying I was leaving town, it would never happen again, we will go back to just being “friends” as I thought we were (didn’t realize I was in a EA prior to this point).

So I left town – H picked me up – he says he sensed something was happening, but thought he was being paranoid. OM and I started to web cam more and more and on occasions he would perform over the web cam as it charged him up and he said more and more wonderful things to me. Shortly after I left, he told me he loved me. That he would leave his W for me. I laughed. I told him I loved him too –but I felt guilty about it, as I knew it wasn’t really love – but I knew I felt good around him. I argued with him, that I would never leave my H, I just wanted to make H love me again…and would always choose my H, and even if he left his wife – he would cheat on me too. He always said no no no – only her – she makes me miserable…In my fog, I did know better, and knew he had a problem. BUT his problem at the moment was my solution to feeling better.

I got OM an interview at my Dad’s company, and he was hired. He and his wife came up to our house at the end of November to celebrate the news. H tried to keep OM occupied as he sensed something wasn’t right between us. After everyone went to bed, I knocked on the bathroom door where OM is and said goodnight. OM kissed me. H overheard. H confronted me, we had all been drinking. I lied bold face and told him he heard wrong. We fought for hours, and then he told me he had taken cough syrup that night before drinking and we know how he gets with cough syrup…and we made love and he was so aggressive it scared me…it was a wake up call for me – my A had to end.

I wrote OM a note and gave it to him in the AM letting him know what had happened. H joked about it with OM in the morning – the hallucinations, etc….and OM and his wife left. When OM got home, I messaged him and told him no more, that this was getting too close. I had convinced myself that this A could be GOOD for my marriage! As long as H never knew, and now he was getting close – too close. I said we could still be friends though.

For 3 days, we tried the friends thing – OM just sat there on the web cam, crying a lot, had nothing to say – no flirting…it was depressing, and I was starting to feel bad again…so within days I would say – what the ******, and we would start the sexual banter again, and the flirting, and I would soar high again. I tried to do this 3 times over a 4 week period – failing miserably every time.

The middle of December H and I had a rough night and fought all night…I gave H the whole – I love you but I am not in love with you speech. He took it hard, and found MB and downloaded the EN forms. He filled his out and asked me to fill mine out after a nice night together. I told him I would later, and ran to the computer to tell OM what GREAT progress we were making, that H actually wanted the marriage and did love me after all! OF course after I told him that, our sexual banter continued, and H had installed something earlier that week to monitor my MSN messenger. He caught me.
Dec 17, 2004 – D-day. I figured H would throw me out. He told me I had the choice of leaving right then or there, or staying – but OM would have to be done. That wasn’t an option. I said I wanted to stay and he hugged me – All of a sudden I realized how much H did love me and how wrong I had been. The guilt was unbelievable.

He asked how many times we had done it – I said once. I lied about many details for the first few weeks.

The next morning I called OM and told him goodbye on my own, outside, without H. OM cried and I said I was sooo sorry. I also told him if one day things didn’t work out for my h and I maybe I would look him up, but that he couldn’t contact me ever again.

I told his wife that I couldn’t talk to her anymore as I had developed feelings for her H and that it wasn’t her H’s fault, it was my fault and I am sorry – she said she was sure it wasn’t just my fault as she knows her husband and she is sorry – but grateful I was a good friend to tell her about it. I didn’t want to ruin two marriages at that point.

Over the next 3 weeks, H pushed and pushed me for details…and by Jan 15 or so – the final detail was out – it was SF 2 times and no condoms were used (even though I said there had been on used). For me it was a great release to finally have it all out – to not have to remember to get stories straight….for H it was devastating.

During this time, OM kept trying to contact me – I know you said no contact – but I want to make sure you are okay….I kept closing forum accounts. Finally he emailed me as I had disappeared from the forums, afraid H had done something to me. H wrote back telling him to leave me alone.

H and I wrote a NC letter at this time. I was fully out of WD by then and really just wanted OM to go away. We wrote the letter and sent it registered mail. H and I also made the decision to call OMW and tell her the truth. H was on one phone, me on the other. I almost puked – I didn’t want to own up to what I had done to her – I felt so ashamed so humiliated. She reminded me that she though we were friends, and then surprised me by saying she wants to hate me, but she can’t and that she knew it must have taken me a lot of courage to call and do the right thing. She said she forgave me. I don’t know if she still feels this way – but it helped me early in recovery greatly.

We joined MB at around that time, and H posted for a bit. He was determined to make it work for us – he professed his love all the time on the boards, through love notes. I felt so loved and so special…but I also felt so bad – every time I looked at him I wanted to die…how could I have done this – what have I done – I LOVE this man and I have destroyed him.

H would occasionally love bust early on – and he was cruel with it – and I was so emotional, all I did was cry. I knew I had to start my own recovery. I got the book Torn Asunder and it helped me in the right direction of figuring out what was happening. Up to that point, I owned my A, yes, but still looked at the neglect H had caused me as the reason I was where I was….

Over the next few months I also found God again. I started reading a book called the Self Confident Woman and realized I was a little co-dependent, a little CA, and I had a self destructive coping mechanism. I remembered over my childhood how when things all went wrong, I would hurt myself somehow – whether emotionally or physically…to cope…with my surgeries, with the depression, with my co-dependency and feeling H didn’t need me so he didn’t love me, I went into self-destruct mode….it wasn’t H’s fault at all – it was MY fault.

4 -5 months into recovery I was starting to feel human again – I was starting to like myself again and realize I wasn’t defined by my past. It was April. H though wasn’t doing to well. He distanced himself and would touch me or talk to me. If I asked for a hug or said I love you, he told me he felt pressured and would get mad. I didn’t know what to do – this wasn’t recovery…or was it?

On May 1, a friend of mine saw him driving around with a woman….he was supposed to be at work – it was a Sunday and he had left early that day. You see he had told me back in January one of his students came on to him, but that he couldn’t go through with it as he loved me, and said since he was done teaching he wouldn’t ever see her again. It turned out he had hired her for her student experience…and hadn’t told me. He called her in while he was at CHURCH with me…and met up with her. They spent all day together working and chatting. That night I confronted him. He told me there was nothing going on – I told him – he was giving her conversation he wasn’t giving me. He said she was easier to talk to and he had more in common with her. Also he had told her about me, and our marriage. He said she was attractive and he definitely felt an attraction. He told me to be nice to her as she was working and I couldn’t go all emotional on her. He had also moved to the basement at this time. He did eventually do the right thing and end it with this girl before an EA started, but he did reveal his attraction to her...

I posted here during that time – you can read that post here

During this time he said good things, but he was still so distant. By mid May he was even more distant. He had joined a singles forums, but wouldn’t tell me where – just that he liked helping people there and they filled a void. It bothered me that he had done this, but I wanted him to do what he needed to do. He spent our anniversary posting away on this forum – I was heartbroken.

I posted on here about that too – and many people agreed that it was dangerous ground – but being the WS, I was afraid to push boundaries, so I didn’t investigate.

Now, H shortly after asked me to not air our laundry on MB…so the next bit I never posted, so I am sure many people wondered what happened.

The day before my birthday (may 29th is my bday) H was as usual in the basement, but he left his cell phone upstairs by accident. It was the middle of the night and it was beeping and beeping. So I got up to see what it was in case I needed to wake him up – as it could be his work. It was a text message at 2:45am from a number in the same province (just 8 hours away) that said night baby.

I was floored. I decided to check one of his email accounts, one that he never uses, but as fate would have it – someone emailed him there as it’s his msn account. The email said she missed talking to him, etc and then asked if he would rather she used his POF account instead?

POF? What was that? So I googled it and found the singles site he was a part of. I didn’t know who he was, but I started reading threads until I found his photo…one he took at work on a web cam, and read his profile. He was separated. He was looking for a woman who was independent, etc, etc. I read posts – he liked woman that were small breasted (I am not) athletically in fit (I am not), and so on and so on. It killed me to read. He was single still because he didn’t want to ruin anyone else life. That he had been cheated on, and just wanted someone real. I was DEVESTATED.

I woke him up at 7am and confronted him. He FLIPPED on me. Told me we had been separated for months that I was just to dumb to see that. That the girl who emailed him wasn’t the same girl as the one on the phone. That the one on the phone was the one who meant something to him. That it was his life. I told him if he felt we were separated to leave. I called my dad, and my dad asked to talk to H. H said okay – and they talked for 2 hours. Meanwhile I was so angry – I emailed this girl back and told her H was married, and not separated and that I wanted her to know the truth.

H found out and told me that he would tell them I was some psycho ex who wouldn’t leave him alone, and that it wasn’t her he was worried about – but now this email might get back to the one he likes. I reminded him that he had told me she knew about me, he said – not everything….He said he had to decide whether he wanted a messed up life with me, or a good one with her and that she would never hurt him as she knew what it was like to be hurt. He said though he would give her up if we could really make things work.

That night he came back home and had decided he didn’t need to give up “friends”. That friends were all he had, and that I needed to respect who he was friends with. The next day was my birthday – we spent it online with some friends playing games….but he was chatting away in his own chat with HER during this time. He promised me he would close his singles account, but through some good friends here, I discovered all he did was change his profile name.

This was Sunday – my birthday, and on the Monday we had a big fight. I got my cool and came in and apologized for my tongue – that when I am hurt, I say hurtful things – this got him talking to me, and for ONCE we made progress. He hugged me for the first time in months and kissed me and told me he DID love me, and he wanted more than just a friendship with me – that he really did want a romance. He told me this girl was hoping for a future with him and he would have to let her down, but he would. We spent the whole evening cuddling and watching a movie. But by the end of the night, he was distant again. I didn’t want to push him – he had promised he would sleep upstairs with me from the night on, but I said he could go to the basement – that we would go at his speed.

He also had asked that day to go to his brothers (who is in the same city as OW) as he needed a break. I asked him if it was to see her, and he said that was an unfair question, that it was like him asking me in November if I was going to see OM. I said – that would have bee a very fair question for you to ask me wouldn’t it have been – he just looked at me blankly.

The next night (Tuesday) he wouldn’t talk to me again. I started to panic. I got online to read emotional affairs, and I got an msn message from him asking if I was spying on him. I have no clue how to spy, so I was surprised – but it did mean he was spying on me. It also made me wonder what he was doing that he felt “caught”. He told me off, and told me I didn’t know what I was crying about as this girl told him off when he told her that he couldn’t have anything with her. I chose to believe him.

Wednesday once again, he didn’t talk to me, and on Thursday over MSN messenger – he asked me for a separation. I told him we needed to talk in person, he said he wasn’t comfortable doing that and he was leaving as he didn’t want to be the bad guy in our relationship. I asked him NOT to come home until I was gone on Monday. He got mad and said I did nothing but made him feel uncomfortable in HIS home. I said too bad, I would be gone Monday.

At that point, I started spying again for a bit, as since he was leaving, I figured promises were off. I read more at POF, and he did close his account, but not on May 29th as he told me, but on June 1st, the day before he asked me for a separation. This was odd to me.

I got into his email on Monday after I left, and saw he had emailed a picture of her to himself to another account. I figured either he REALLY missed her or something was still going on. Before he changed his passwords, I got onto his MSN account and saw she hadn’t been deleted….I knew it wasn’t over. I was devastated.

The separation lasted 4 weeks. He called 3 times during this period to talk to his kids. The weekend before he confessed, I had got a suspicion and a tip he was in the city I was staying in, but I figured it was wrong as he would have saw the kids. On the Monday he called and said he was coming to town and he wanted to see the kids. Monday night he said he would be late – he hadn’t left the city where OW lived (he didn’t mention OW – just the city) my JAW dropped. He had driven through the city I was in on Thursday, dropped things off for the kids at HIS moms and now I was to pick them up there as he didn’t know if he would make it to see the kids here. I called his mom, and his mom said he was down on business but it was too bad, as his brother was out of town, so they didn’t meet up (she volunteered this info). My heart sank – I knew I was right – he was having an A.

He did make it over for an hour on the Monday and I gave him the separation agreement he was harassing me for…I had thought it out for 3 weeks with consulting a lawyer so it would be done fairly for the kids…he was pissed off at it. He had no wedding ring on and couldn’t look at me. I accepted this as he was never coming back, and it was time for a Plan B of sorts.

The next night(Tuesday) he called me crying – said he had really messed things up. I said calmly I already knew – he had been to see her that weekend. He said yes and he had slept with her. More details came out and he said that he knew I couldn’t forgive him and that he knew I needed time. I said – my goal was still the same and we would get through this too. He was shocked.

The next night he called again, and the next night, and by Thursday he finally admitted that he wanted me home, that he did love me. So as a test, I asked him to drive down to see me. And he did – he dropped everything. I went home with him on the Sunday and we started recovery.

It turned out – she had though we were separated for months before they met. And the week that she “told him off” actually, she asked to see his hands on the web cam and he had his wedding ring on. She said, obviously he wasn’t over me and she didn’t want to be involved with something that wasn’t over. He pursued and convinced her it was over, but said he would delay his trip to see her (this was ALL before the separation). The next day he asked for the separation. I read the love poems and emails he wrote to her – things I always wanted – but he never gave me. It was devastating. I read a lot of their MSN conversations as he didn’t realize his Mac had cached them. I only made it through 2 weeks, then deleted the rest – didn’t want to read closer to the day they consummated. Also was hurt as he went to the ZOO with her. He said – well you went with OM….but the thing is I did – but the zoo is where I love to be – I go a few times a year, I go on the amateur photography courses, and I always wanted H to go with me and he wouldn’t….and he went with HER.

He was upfront and gave me every detail I wanted to know. After a week though I found myself obsessing and decided no more details. That I needed to try to focus on the fact that he was here now, and we had another chance at this.

The problem with two affairs now was when I brought up anger at his, it brought up anger at mine – there was no way to deal with one at a time…so we made the decision to talk about the A’s with close trusted friends, and not rely on each other to be confidents. We still acknowledge when we are hurting and comfort each other – but now that we both have all the details, we don’t go into details about why we are hurting.

So now we are almost 3 months into recovery #2, and almost 9 months post the first d-day and you know what – things are doing really well. We both have our hurt moments, but we try to help each other through. Not a day goes by where we don’t show and tell each other how grateful we are to be here and how much we love each other, and for the first time in along time, I am excited about my future with H. I love him more than life itself. The last year was a bad year – but if we got through this – we can get through anything.

Of course this was a long story and lots was left out about how I have changed and how he has changed – but you all know that  If you made it this far – awesome!.

Wow Dorry,

That is quite a story. It does help to read what others have been through.

Do you and your husband practice MB skills? Reason I'm asking is that there's a great book that doesn't get alot of press here called Give & Take. It's about Policy of Joint Agreement. I highly recommend it for where you and your husband are emotionally.

Also the Harley's also recommend "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It is an EXCELLENT book that goes into great detail about internet affairs, EAs, - IMHO it's required reading for relationships these days.

Blessings to you and your husband in your continued recovery.

WE have read all the Harley's book, Torn Asunder, When the one you love leaves, and Not just friends, the self confident woman... - H only read SAA and a bit of hn/hn- he wasn't interested in reading. Can't make him read <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I keep reading though and learning new ways to communicate whether or not he changes. It's making a huge difference as now I can talk to him without his natural defence coming up and things get solved - it's awesome, and I don't feel ignored, and he doesn't feel attacked..

I do practice MB skills - H not so much - he did early in recovery, but lost interest in it as he got more distant...the books are always around for him to read again, but I am not so sure he is interested. But I believe even if I do all the work, things will change...I can be the leader....

Give and take sounds good - I will have to look into it. I just want to make sure we are setting up things so we can succeed in the future....when things might got sour again (not meaning affairs, but meaning normal ups and downs in a marriage)

Dorry,

As a BS I can say this in-depth story was very disturbing and very informative. It makes me wonder about Undo's accounts of how things unfolded (don't wanna know after reading this). The back seat part hit a nerve for me because that's one of the places Undo told me about. I would love to say with certainty that I would never do that to Undo, but it seems that the craziest things can happen.

If the story were any longer I think you would have been forced to make it into a movie. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

One question that is eating at me... what is the game you were playing?

hopeful - it is a rough sport - kinda like paintball - but without the paint....not alot of women playing - but I enjoy it now - h and I still play - but we don't travel out of town for games anymore. It's a small community of players, so I don't really want to go into details of what the sport entails - although identies on here would probably be figured out anyhow since H's name here is the same as his callsign playing LOL

Dorry,

Give & Take is really for learning how to be successful in your marriage...it's the blueprint on how to live happily married.

The concept is simple, yet difficult to execute! It's what my husband and I still struggle with to keep us on the right track.

By defining our "Giver" and our "Taker" personality within each of us it gives you the knowledge base to stay on the right track.

It worries me a bit that your husband won't read this stuff. Is he doing other recovery type activities that let you know he's participating in recovery?

Yes - he has come a long way - he is making huge strides to do things that he wouldn't do in the past - and enjoy it - like trips to my family functions, when things get out of hand for me, cleaning up, helping make it a little easier around here.

He also is showing me affection all the time, and he seems to genuinely mean it - it doesn't seem forced. Communication though he hasn't overly seemed to have changed, but I have changed. I know when to walk away now and not to push my point to drive him nuts. I also know how to bring up a concern so that his wall doesn't go up, and he seems much more receptive to hearing it and working on a solution with me.

He also has started making sure I am comfortable with decisions, and I the same - we do seem to talk about everything with eachother, making sure eachother has some say in what is happening, and we aren't bashing eachother ideas or suggestions like we used to.

I look at that and see that he is participating in recovery his own way - albeit not the way I may want, but that's my controling nature - for me to be able to control everything <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> But I can only control myself.

All I can say is wow... I'm speachless. What you both have endured and are still together... It show's love really can withstand all.

Thanks for sharing Dorry...

Undo

Dorry,
What are these books you mentioned.
Where did you get them?
Very Truly Yours,
Faith05

Dorry - my WW is deep into entitlement right now. She says she feels no guilt. I think she is going through a serious personal mental health issue.

Is the book The Self Confident Woman one i should buy for her right now?

far

Dorry,
Read every word of your post.Thank you for being transparent. I am the BS in our relationship and I have wondered what a retalitory affair would do to our M. I know you and others will probably think shabbily of me to even consider it, but I wonder somtimes if I could get over it (the hurt my FWH caused me) by induldging my own needs for someone wanting me. Of course, never a married man...I get mad when a married man even looks at me. I want to sock him.
I know, two wrongs don't make a right, but I just wonder if your husband is now more on level footing with you since he and you both know what pain is now. It sounds sick even as I write it. I am a Christian and believe adultery is wrong, but since my marriage is no longer a sacred covenant, sometimes when I am looking at all my options I just think about it. Then I would know for sure if I want my WH or not....aaaghhhh...it is late and I think my thinking is getting off....but it seems like the pain is all mine. Maybe if he knew what I was going through and had his own forgiving to do, we would be more the same in this....again, even as I write this, I know my logic is not sound....I am just tired of all of this. Tired of being the good girl and doing the right thing...thinking of everyone else and making my decisions based on them, too and never just what I need or want. But I know I would want my family after all is said and done....an affair would just be something that would make me feel like someone would want me and I would like to feel that, even tho H is now soo in love with me......these are my innermost thoughts, guys, I can't see that I would ever truly act on them...just so many things swirling around in my numb head.

PS - Sorry for not saying this in my previous post:

THANK YOU FOR THIS POST!!! You are being very unselfish in your giving of this info. It will/does/has help(ed) many, and will continue to.

thank you!!

far

Dorry,

You weren't kidding when you said our situations were very similar...at times I thought I was reading my own!!!

THank you for sharing this it is in a strange way encouraging. I wish I could have the participation and willingness from my WW that you have found. Congrats to you both...

R.

Well you would think that would make sense. H when he first came back didn't say we were equal, but said something along those lines....at first....

Until he watched me as the BS, and kept saying to me - but you did it too. The thing is, that he thoght that rationalizing things and comparing to my A might help me...it didn't...it actually made things worse, as it made me think how could he do this KNOWING what we have just gone through.

The further he got from his A though, the more he realized that we weren't equal in the sense he thought we might be. In fact the only thing he realized was that he didn't think I would care or i would hurt me because I had an affair first, and he realized how wrong he was, and he understood why I said I never meant to hurt him when I had my A, he understood as he didn't mean to hurt me like it did.

He thought it wouldn't bother him, me hurting like I would, as He had hurt, but as the FWS, when you actually see your spouse hurting horrbly and knowing it's your fault - trust me - there is no pain like that pain...he realized he didn't want to hurt me like he did and it was too late - he couldn't take it back.

Also - neither of us really understand eachother's A's at all - as we are such different people with different justifications, reasons...for example I could have never abandoned him or my kids - I was more of a cakeeater (sad to say), yet - he left us cmpletely - was willing to walk away from his kids to get away from me, and start over new with her. that I can't grasp. So we have chosen to STOP trying to figure eachother out - that we may never know - and just accept that we both hurt eachother horribly, and make the changes to ensure we dont ever do that again.

So - trust me - you wont be on a more level field - things just get MUCH MUCH MUCH more complicated. I didn't want to deal with the things a BS feels on top of being the WS as if your spouse is TRULY remorsful - you can't imagine the pain and torture they themselves are going through. Being a BS doesn't relieve them, or take away the WS pain, it just ads one more pain - like aren't I suffereing enough for my mistakes and now you want to punish me by adding betrayel to my concequences?

And I doubt a BS wants to ever feel what a WS feels. Sure the A sounds good and fun - but if you get hit by true remorse - the pain is unbearable. While being a BS you can get made, blame the WS , blame the OW, take some responsibility, but you are a victim...as the WS there is no one to blame but you - and trust me - no one has big enough shoulders to shoulder that weight easily. You stop being able to look in the mirror and smile, you can't even look people in the eye...you constantly remind yourself what a piece of crap you are. and you have no one to blame but yourself...

Revenge affair isn't the ultimate revenge - it's a way to dig yourself in even deeper. You may udnerstand how eachother feels after that - but trust me - you don't want to add one more set of hurt to the mix. it adds confusion, more hurt, and more blame.

If I hadn't had God in my life, and my parents, and MB when H did this, I wouldn't be handling it as well as I am...and trust me - H doesn't hear me bring it up - he got off easy in a way...but in another way - I don't think he did - as now he has to like with the fws guilt and that's worse than anything I would ever dish out.

Nope - the self confident woman is a christian book to help woman let go of their pasts with God's help, learn how their pasts do not define them, learn how to become "interdependent" and not co-dependent or too independent, and how to work on having healthy relationships with other people, instead of unhealthy relationships that they have been in. This is all through action steps done with God's love and scripture in mind.

I think it would be great for a Christian FWW who believes God can't forgive her, or can't forgive herself...but for a WW, it would do nothing until they are out of the fog an remorseful and ready to move forawrd in recovery.

Dorry, what a gift you have given by starting this thread.

Okay, Dorry, it's a new and improved me...not "hurting so bad" this morning..hahaha...maybe thinking more correctly.
I woke up thinking about my post last night and after I posted it, I ran across another post you had written about your husband having an A! You say something to the effect of you hoping no other BS would go the way he did in having an A.
My reasoning for exploring my options (having an A)was that maybe we would both understand the pain that way and it would help me to know that he knew what it was like to process the things I am. Do you think your H found that to be true? I reallly wasn't thinking of it as so much "getting even" with him, but as a break from my misery. I wasn't thinking about it as something done to him, but as something to make me feel good. I think people would understand me "freaking out" for awhile and then wanting to come back to M. I tried to do everything I could, went to counseling, gave it to God, had a close friend that prayed with me and was there for me as support. I have been neglected and in pain for many years, THEN he decides to have an A. I don't think I am being too one-sided here....most, if not all, our family and close friends would agree with me on that. My thinking...he got a break from his "unhappiness" for a year and a half by indulging himself instead of trying to work on the marriage through healthy channels (which was my approach...I initiated counsling, he went for awhile, but blew it off) but my pain has never had a break, in fact now it is worse than ever. How much can one person take?

OKAY, now...my thinking self....the one I always listen to or I would have jumped ship before now. First of all, I know this would grieve God and create a huge chasm with Him, very important for me not to have that happen. Then my children....my precious kids (16 and 20)...haven't they been through enough garbage already? Yes. They are the most amazing people (which my husband now gives me credit for..says they would not be the people they are if I was not their mom). And we would then have two hurt people...just makes sense that recovery would take on an even more difficult dimension, add to that my loss of self-respect, which is one thing I DO have still. Hard not to feel like everything else has been stripped away.
Well, blah,blah, blah.....I guess on some level I needed to rant and let that all out.
I am not too sure how to respond to what others have written. If I respond with my own feelings, am I supposed to start a new thread? I heard someone refer to "threadjacking"...is that what I have done? Don't want to break the rules or offend (of course...that is me..Miss rule follower/pleaser)LOL! So maybe someone could enlighten me on that topic.
Thank you to whomever reads this and has any perspective that this foggy mind isn't seeing.

Dorry, Sorry, I guess I posted the last one before I read your reply. This is in reply to your last response to me. Okay then....

Thank you.

You have given me much to think about. You know, it is what I do know, but I feel like my mind is not my own.
Just so tired.
I have had some great responses today from some folks that are longtime MB's and can give me hope for the future. I sooo needed it today. If someone can tell me this can go away, I can hang in there. I don't want to betray my H, just want to have the relief that could offer, but I know that is only a temporary, fleshy fix and that I would grieve later. Your perspective on the grief that comes from the WS is powerful. My FWH has been holding it in, but I think there are cracks in the dam. He teared up yesterday when we were on the phone with SH. It is the first time he has shown any tears in my presence. I noticed he was looking at me while I was talking and he mouthed "I love you," to me. Then he teared up. I asked him later what it was that made him teary and he said, "I just love you so much." That does a lot for a BS. of course, the actions have been following his words, too.
So Dorry, I again thank you for your sharing your life and story with me and others. It is honestly the lifeline that will make a difference many days, I am sure.
Bless you, girl!

Dorry,
I printed out your reply and shared it with FWH so that he could see the good counsel I am getting from others here. I had discussed the topic of A's by the BS with him and I think it was good for him to know that I was being told by others, not just himself that it would add more hurt and problems to the R. Thanks again.

(((IHSB))))