My H and I are almost 6 mos. into recovery. We are making progress. The question I continue to struggle with is, "Will I be happy and ln love again?" I can't seem to believe that I will ever be able to forget the betrayal of my spouse. It is not a question of not loving him...I do love him....but I do not want to live in a marriage in which I am silently hurting inside. We have been having some fun times and I know that this is an encouragement to him. While I AM having fun at times, I am never HAPPY. I can not seem to let go of the fact that we have a marriage that is never going to be one of just two people. I fear I will not be able to look him in the eye and not remember what he choose to do for a year and a half of our marriage.
think he deserves a spouse that will get over it. He is doing all the right things to help me heal and I know he is sorry, but I cannot shake the fear that I will always, deep in my heart, feel the hurt.
What has been the experience of some of you that have been to ****** and back? Does it come back and bite you? Does it hurt as you grow closer? Already that has seemed to happen,,,,as we have been becoming more intimate emotionally, it seems to hurt even more that he could do that to me and our kids.
I don't want to drag this around for years and I do want to do what I need to do to get better, but I still cry so much and have this deep sadness over what has happened. I feel this burden of having to make the decision to keep this marriage together all on my shoulders.
FWH says he is in it for the long haul, no matter how long it takes. I know I can put a smile on my face and my family and all the rest of the world would think we are doing great, because I do love him, but I don't want to live a lie and deep down still feel partly destroyed. I feel like it has been such a mortal wound and I, right now at least, can't invision it ever completely going away.
This is where I need to hear from anyone that can tell me they felt this way at 6,12, even 18 months into this.
Had counseling appt. with dear SH today and he suggested I throw my questions out to some of you "veterans".
Sure appreciate anyone's perspective on this. Just so weary and sure would love to feel like a normal person again. Have no interest in anything, not even gardening! I did get some books on tape to listen to while I am working so that my mind doesn't wander.
Bless all of you out there.

IHSB

I asked the same question may times, and so have many other BS as they hit the end of the war and the start of the peace.

I will have a grope aroun dand see if I can find one of the threads for you to read.

The answer is there are lots of recovered folks for whom teh affair was just another terrible life event that people move on from, like the death of a parent or a bankruptcy.

It is the hope of this that kept me pressing on when I wondered if THIS was all I was ever going to have.

I had a tough time reently around the anniversary of the affair, d-day and so much spite and pain.

But I am through that.

Squid and I spent a lot of time together this summer at our holiday home and we haven;t gotten bored at all with each other.

I am starting to feel a little giddy about her. I thnk I am falling in love with her again. Problems and all.

SO I am no veteran yet, but the signs are good that a couple can return to love and leave hurt in the past where it belongs. Eventually.

All blessings

I ,like Bob, hardly consider myself a "veteran".

But, I had one year past Dday in June, and our one year NC anniversary is next week.

I do feel happy, feel like we are climbing out of the smoking hole that was our M on Dday.

I am happy we are together; happy we both stuck it out. We spent a lot of time together over the past 6 months (H started to work from home) and things between us got a lot better.

I think at 6 months there is a lot of reflection that goes on within the FBS, and a lot of pain that was previously repressed, surfaces.

Ride it out. Tell your H about it. Let him help you.

Good luck.

BobPure,

Thank you for your input and sharing your experience thus far. I just have to know that it can really be done (getting over the hurt). It seems so impossible now, like unnatural, not humanly possible type thing. Does that make sense? I don't want to think negatively, just realistically.
You make a statement about experiencing tragedies in life, death, bankruptcy...I just can't put those in the same class as an A, since those tings aren't done TO you. I think of myself as quite reslient, but for some reason this situation is like no other I can even imagine. Can't see myself coming out of it yet...maybe it is just too soon for me. I will hold on to that belief and live my life like it is just too soon. I can see no other way, Bob. Maybe I just need a whack with a 2x4 to snap out of it!! J/K...
Again, so thankful for the glimpse ahead of what a little more time can mean to my relationship and emotions.
Bless you and Squid

Healing,

Thanks for the imput. I especially appreciate your insight about the 6 month mark. Yes, I am reflecting and revisiting so many things...maybe that is the way you finally let go? I don't know, but it does seem like a day will come when I am SO sick to DEATH of thinking about them that maybe I will just let it go. God, get me there soon!! This is so much bigger than me and it is the first time I have really not been able to handle a situation with some calm, cool, wisdom. That is where I need the Lord!! When I am whole again, I will point to Him and know that I am a living miracle.
Bless you and your H!

IHSB,
I'm not a long timer MB. I'm just like you and I feel EXACTLY the same way. My FWH is doing everything he can and all I can think about is THEM and HER. I also don't feel happy, almost numb. I'm at the 2 month since DDay and 1 month since NC. I wish I knew how to make that next step to reach that happiness. I hope you get many many responses. I'd love to know.

Well, Michelle, I can say this much...I am better today at 6 months than I was at 2 months. So for what that is worth to you....I know I am not out there very much farther, but maybe it will help a little. I, too, hope to hear from many. I think some people may move on from this place, tho, after they are healed.

Please, anyone who feels they can offer hope for the future, Michelle and I, at least, need to hear from you!

ItHurtzSoBad - Here, take some from my bucket and put it into yours! I have several pounds of "hope," more than enough to share!

What your are feeling is NORMAL. All of us have gone through that. There are a couple of things that you need to remind yourself of frequently, especially when you get to dwelling on those feelings.

First, your old marriage is dead, along with the "blind trust" that was there. You are in the process of rebuilding a new marriage that is based upon trust that is earned, covered by forgiveness for the wrongdoing, commitment to work through the "consequences" of the sin that remain even though your husband is "sorry" and you have forgiven the sin, and love that ACTS, not just "feels."

Second, you have to remind yourself that you are "in this" for the long haul. The "average" recovery takes 2 years. Some take longer and some a little less time. But the point to remind yourself about when you get those feelings of "it might be easier to just throw in the towel and start over with someone new (someone new who will not get you any guarantees of a better marriage and who will NOT have the benefit of "having learned the hard way") is that you are NOT YET "recovered." You are still working toward that time when you are recovered and you have newer, better, more loving, trusting, marriage.

Until then, you have not "graduated." In some respects, even after you reach recovered you will always be "in class" because you know know that marriage needs to be "worked at" and not taken "for granted." There ARE Emotional Needs that need to met and not neglected, but they are not always the same needs or in the same order for both of you.

You might also want to check out Mortarman's thread on the Roles of Husbands and Wives. It presents things from the perspective of what God has in mind for the "roles" of husbands and wives.

If you have some specific questions, please ask and we'll see what we can do help out.

If you think it would be helpful to read "stories", let us know and I'm sure some of us will be happy to provide links to our own stories.

In the meantime, let me give you a link to a thread you might find helpful. It's a little long, but from what you've written and the desperation I "hear" in what you've written, I think you will find much comfort, and maybe some answers, in this thread.

Forgive? Trust? Really? Has anything been learned in the past year?

God bless.

Forever,
Thank you. You have written wise words. I think the main thing that jumps out at me is the aspect of time. Just had that conversation with FWH about an hour ago, him encouraging me to give it time. Funny, it seems like forever that we have been at this....reality is 6 months. I am just tired of hurting. Hurting in the marriage, then dealing with all this affair garbage. I am just plain old tired and long for a break from the pain.
BUT, I am going to try to remember to tell myself...it will take time...it will take time....it will take time. There..how is that!? Ha,ha.
If I knew without a doubt that I could not hurt in the future and really be whole again, free from this pain, I think it would be easier to handle today. I just get ahead of myself and want the pain over yesterday. It will take time.....
Thank you for the link to read...will have to get to that later, since I am out of time right now, but will sit back with a cup of coffee late and soak up the wisdom!
Thanks again, for your help and insight. God's best to you and yours.

It does get better....with time....and patience.

My H and I are almost 4 years into Recovery and I can gladly say that I have no more triggers....and no more "bad" days that have anything to do with his A.

I don't think about it at all anymore.

What you are feeling is completely normal.

Miss Priss,
Thank you SO much! I can't believe how wonderful it feels to have a real person say those things...no triggers...and that you don't think about it at all anymore. You can read all about it in books, but so good to hear it from a person.
Thank you! Bless you and your family, too.

That's exactly what my H said at the start of our recovery .... 10 years ago.

I no longer hurt. I have more joy in my marriage than I had pre-A. There is love. There is respect. There is trust. There is better communication.

We've been married 24 years. Our recovery is going to be 10 years in a few months.

Yes ... it is possible.

The hurting you currently suffer would not improve if you got a divorce !!! Are you aware of that ??? If you have a former cheating spouse who is willing ready and able to do the heavy lifting in recovery .... you chances are excellent you will be where we are .... in some years.

It takes about 2 years to be over the worst of the trauma ... after that, it's just random doubts.... like any other imperfect human relationship.

Take heart.

You are in a better position than many who try to recover with a reluctant lazy wandering spouse.

Peace be with you >>>

Miss Priss and Pepp,
Thanks so much for responding with such positive results!! It's so hard to even begin to imagine that there might be happiness at the end of this dark tunnel. But I see glimmers every so often.

You all are so helpful. Thank you.

Pep,
My goodness, I an crying reading your post and now I as I reply. It has been a hard ride and the last couple of days just have me feeling so hopeless and weary. It helps to know this is "normal"...how sad is that?!?
But, really, it helps more than you can know for me today. I am sure that you know, tho. Been there, done that, right?
10 years! Man, I can'e even imagine that far out right now, but as you say, divorce is not going to make me any happier. Yes, I do know that the odds of a second marriage are less than a first, even.
My husband is being very supportive and kind and for that I am grateful and realize that many here are not so fortunate in that area. I DO see where improvements have been made already and communication is great. I have my voice back. That feels good and the pit in my stomach is gone. If only the hurt was......someday it will be, right Pep? Thank you for your kindness in taking the time to help us that go after you in this journey.
Blessings to you and your family, too!

IHSB, I have learned that at every new and frighteneing new stage past D-day, someone on here can give you an example to provide comfort and hope.

Not so long ago I was a hopeless, helpless pathetic suicidal mess.

And some folks showed me that THEY were too once as hopeless as I was but had gotten strong and were fighting the affair.

Then I reached that point and I got wonderful advice from folks who ad used and SEEN used plan a AND EXPOSURE very EFFECTIVELY. And they gave ME HOPE AND STRENGTH.

Then I helped kill Squids affair. And she withdrew OH MY LORD how she withdrew. And wonderful people posted who had sucked up all that spite and pain in their OWN WS withdrawals and again gave me hope and skills to carry on.

Now I am 14 months from D-day and a months from last contact with OM. And I find MYSELF miraculously able to give comfort and hope from my example.

It is a privilege I never dreamed I would have.

MB is a chain of goodness - a holy war machine against the curse of infidelity.

Makes blessings a communicable disease.

IHSB keep asking about the next step in recovery. And take heart and wisdom from the fine folks here who helped ME and the "previous generation" so very very well.

All blessings.