Rao,

You are getting good advice, listen to Mel she knows what she is saying (I can't believe that I just said that!!!).

There is a wonderful article here called Why Women Leave Men. You really should read it. Here it is.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8111_leave.html

The article can be summed up this way:

"Simply stated, women leave men when they are neglected. Neglect accounts for almost all of the reasons women leave and divorce men."

Thanks for the support CN, I don't know how to handle this San Diego situation though... Should I just ignore it and continue my seperated Plan A? I have already told her it would hurt and I would feel disrespected if she went. Then she would give me the same line..."he doesn't have time to see me anyway"

It SEEMS like this plan A thing is working...then I get this news about San Diego. How long should I wait before I go DARK? How do I know if she is being sincere about wanting to stay married to me and that she misses me? or if she's just stringing me along. I am willing to hold out a bit longer but like BryanP said how can she respect me and our marriage if I let her do this?

Tell her that it doesn't matter if he's got time to see her...YOU won't be comfortable with the fact that it COULD happen. That it hurts beyond measure that she'd even consider going when you've told her how much it would hurt you and set back the work you've done to re-build your marriage.

WW returned from San Diego yesterday....It was a rough weekend trying not to think about what was happening over there. At least I didn't call her asking what she was up to...I was so tempted. She eventually called me Saturday to tell me about her trip. She didn't mention the OM. It is so hard talking to her trying to pretend to be happy and not talk about the A or our relationship. Should I bring up these subjects or would I be giving LB's?

So I've just been trying to live my life in this seperated plan A. I'll send her text messeges once in a while telling her good night and that I miss her.

She called me early this morning to talk about our finances...We had a nice conversation after..Just talking, nothing mushy or loving...just friendly. She still tells me "I love you" and that she misses me. This is so hard...I want to reach out to her and ask "If she feels this way, why can't we just work this out now?"...what are we waiting for? Am I supposed to wait for her to return on her own? I just feel like this seperated plan A is just helping us move on to be friends...I know she still talks to the OM. He is helping her get her other EN's affection and what not. I mean is this working? She has been calling me regularly without me calling her. It just seems like she will keep this up forever....

maybe I am just being impatient.

It sounds to me like it's time for Plan B...

Possible letter to WW...If I go into plan B

It has been a very hard week without you at home but I am trying cope. What I find very hard to deal with though is being in Limbo. I know you told me that your goal at the end of all this is for us to be together. What are we doing to achieve that? In our last counseling session you said you needed this time to work on yourself and get some counseling, which I fully support (Have you seen anyone yet?)…But you also said you wanted to continue your affair. You proved that by going to San Diego last weekend. I know you said he wouldn't’t have time for you, but you have to understand how it hurts me anyway. So I ask you again… the same question I asked before you left for SD, what are we doing? Since you refuse not to stop contacting him I don’t think we should be talking. It is not fair to me. I want my whole wife…not just bits and pieces that come by every so often. I love talking to you, looking in your eyes, and holding you but it hurts when it’s for only a few short moments. I’ve told you this countless times…I want to move forward in this life with you, learning about you, me, us…together, to make this the marriage people dream of. But I have to take care of myself too and not hold on to false hopes.

Like I said before when you are ready to commit to US, I would love to hear from you. By committing, I mean no contact with him and complete transparency on your part. Marriage is based on total honesty, respect and not hiding anything from one another. I love you J...., I hope I do see you at the end of the tunnel.

Love you always,
RR

Raro, here is a good link of one my favorite Plan B letters along with a guide. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post1143897
I would not ask any questions in your letter, but rather, impart information about what you intend on doing. You are taking back ALL CONTROL now; she has had all the control up until then. And what you intend on doing is ending all contact with her until she completely ends all contact with the OM and writes a no contact letter. You tell her, that until that happens you are moving on with your life.

In Plan B, it will be imperative that you have NO contact whatsoever with her. Usually a WS will be angry that you are taking control back from them [she has all the control right now] and she will try anything to get you to break Plan B. She will promise to "end contact with the OM in the future" or "cut down on contact" or "only have professional contact" or some other nonsense. You have to be prepared for this and act like a broken record: "don't contact me until ALL is ended for good." No promises, only demonstrable ACTION.

I would also recommend seperating your finances if you haven't already. You arent' paying any of her bills, are you?

p.s. I would think about giving it a few more weeks, if you can, before you go into Plan B. You are getting in some good love bank deposits right now and I would get in some more before you go dark.

Raro,

This possible letter is NOT a plan B letter. Please do some reading on the type of letter a plan B letter is and it's purpose. I believe it was Pepperband that ask someone posting here a question that I found to be very very important so I will ask you the same question.


I think you need to answer this for yourself before you decide to do anything. I also think that this has been going for a year, so withdrawal will take a long time. I would also like to suggest that you consider contacting some of her "friends" that were supposed to keep her away from OM, I doubt they did or even knew, but check.

Finally, continue plan A, but continue to withdraw. Work on cutting out all LB's, and start to focus on what you want YOUR life to be after this mess is over no matter how it ends. You two did not get married too young, but there is clearly some maturing that must go on. Finally, if she is sitting on the fence Harley suggests plan B, AFTER you have exposed the A to her parents, friends, etc. Plan A should include exposure and the weathering the subsequent anger. After her anger blows over, then go to plan B. By the way plan B starts out with a love letter, and is used to preserve YOUR love in the hopes that it will outlast her affair. It may not but you will find that you will have gone through withdrawal from her as well, while in plan B, thus making an further decisions clearer to you.

There is a method to this madness, and it takes a step by step approach. But, start with you, and quit trying to figure out what she is doing. I will tell you that you are better served to ASSUME that she is lying to you when she talks with you until proven otherwise, and that the A is still on until she can PROVE to you otherwise.

So you don't need to wonder what she is thinking, you know. She is still having an affair with OM, and she has/is/and will lie to you. So quit wondering, quit trying to read the tea leaves and KNOW these things are true. It is her job to prove to you otherwise. It is in her hands now, let her handle it. You can not educate her out of it, you cannot talk her out of it, and frankly this affair is NOT your fault. It was her decision and her decision solely. The condition of the marriage before the affair you do have some responsibility for.

So back off, plan A, expose, and quit worrying you know the answers already. Once you can do this, prepare for plan B.

I hope you think about this.

God Bless,

JL

And I am the Czar of all Russia!

Okay I am sticking to this seperated plan A for now. I am getting good results as far as my WW giving some affection back. But I still feel like nothing is moving forward. I am still confused on what boundaries I should have at this point and how to enforce them. It is hard since we are seperated. I guess I will just keep my cool and see how far this plan will take me. I am thinking about this to much....it's driving me nuts

Raro,
I wish you all the best, stay strong, go and see friends, anything to cheer yourself up. I myself am preparing for that day, which will be soon, things are already going missing to OM. Our M is doomed but It sounds like you have hope.

Thanks for the words of encouragement mntony....Hey I don't know the details of your sitch but after reading all the posts here at MB there is always hope even when things seem impossible. I wish you stregth and happiness in the future.

WW called me at work and sounded depressed.....I asked her what was wrong. She said she wants to come over today so we can both go to the gym and work out(one of together activities). I asked her if she wanted to stay overnight and have dinner as well. She sounded excited about the invite. I didn't sound needy or clingy....she just sounded sad and I thought that it would make her happy. Did I do the right thing here? ...am I reaching out to her or just giving her a temporary fix?

you are doing AWESOME! You did very well asking her to dinner and to stay over. Letting her pursue you is not being needy. This is an excellent opportunity to fill up her bank. Go and have a good time, stay away from relationship talk and just focus on being the man she fell in love with.

Everything seems to be stable for now. I have just been trying to be on my plan A best. She has not been moody or depressed or angry at me.

She stayed at the house for the last two days. It's weird because it almost feels normal, she shows me some affection and is more loving. Maybe it's because I haven't been hounding her about the A. She said it feels good to be home.

Why is she being so nice??? Am I missing something here or is she coming out of the fog? I want to ask her what she is feeling and if she wants to work on our marriage, but I don't want her to feel uncomfortable and push her away again. It feels good but nothing has been resolved yet...I haven't asked her about NC with the OM either...Just waiting for the right moment, whenever that is.

Raro, there is no reason you can't discuss her affair, just do it in a way that doesn't include lovebusters. I suspect that the affair has/is crumbling which explains why she is drawing to you.

(Pssssst...Mel)

Would you go take a look at TryNot's thread. He could use your help!

Raro,

If she is to move back in NC should be in place otherwise it will be a waste of time. You don't need to talk about relationship UNTIL she moves back in, but at that point you need to and definitely do so without love busters.

You can talk about what was learned.
You can talk about now.
You can talk about the future and how to deal with what has happened in the future.

You can talk about many things but do so as if both of you are on the same side. One way is to ask her help in you dealing with this.

God Bless,

JL

We had another great weekend together. I didn't talk about the A, but she asked me few questions regarding who knew about all the gory details.

My WW actually wants me to let family and friends know we are working on our marriage. I told her that would be great, but what are going to do to work on it? She wants to come back home but she still doesn't like the feeling that she is being watched...I told her we can work on this together to make her more comfortable.

So this morning before she left for work I told her I was sad she was leaving(She is staying a her place till tomorrow). She then told me she would have never left the house if I didn't tell her to leave. I then asked her if you are serious about working on our marriage why don't you just move back. She said she would think about it. I guess I'll wait for our next MC session to see what's on her mind.