Tonight I am depressed. I had such a great night last night with my husband, for the first time we cuddled all night long, and sex was not involved. I was so happy. Come morning my husband planned on going for a drive to a sporting store 30 miles away. I heard him phone my son and ask if he wanted to go with him. My son declined, and I told him I would go, if he wanted me to. He never answered. I went about my business, cut my husbands hair, showered and put on my make-up. He asked when I would be ready. I told him I asked if I could go, but if he would rather go alone, I was fine with that also. I didn't want to force myself on him. He said he didn't care one way or the other. I have to tell you, this is one of the problems I have had with my husband since I got the I don't love you anymore speach back in June. He would not go anywhere with me at all. Only after his affair was discovered did he allow me to go in his truck with him. I have gone only twice since D day in the same vehicle with him. While we drove he was extremely quiet. We talked just a little, and every once in awhile, he would give a long sigh. Clearly, he was not happy I was going with him. I am so tired of the mixed signals he keeps on sending me. He wants to cuddle with me at night, but doesn't want to do anything outside of the house with me. Tonight he said he was going to his mom's at the assisted living facility. I said, Tina aka activities director (o/w) doesn't leave until 5:30, you need to wait until she goes home. He gets angry at me, and says fine, you go and help my mom at dinner. I said, no problem, I will. He was supposed to show up after o/w went home. I called him at 6:00 and he angrily said that I was trying to control him and that I can put his mom to bed. So I put my mil to bed, and came home where we have not spoken to each other. I am trying to protect my marriage, he calls it controling. Go figure.

You already know what my advice is.

Sorry you are feeling so down. But this stuff takes time. Hang in there.

I think I would throw a little SF in with the cuddling.

Hi - I know what you mean. I get the same thing. It's all self centered until they are over the OW and willing to work on the M. I am sorry you are having to go through this, but remember you are not alone......

Hang in there!

Kimberly

Thanks, Believer and Kimberly.
Its another sleepless night. Husband did eventually talk to me. He blames me for #1 not giving him credit for having brains. He said on the activity schedule, he knew o/w was going home at 3:30 because the calender said resident self directed activities were from 3:30 on, and therefore, o/w would be gone at 3:30.
He also is blaming me for his mother having to go to another facility. He says his mother is not like all the people at the other facility. He says his mother's mental condition is much better than the other residents in the dementia and alzeimer's facility. This is not true, but he is in denial because it is his mother. He is feeling hate and resentment towards me. I tried to offer some other points to take into account, like the fact that the facility where his mom is at right now, while she loves it, the administrator has already once told him his mother needs to be in the dementia part. I can tell, no matter what, I am going to be the reason why his mother is not happy, and ultimately left with the blame for all that has happened, including having to be moved to a different facility, and into the dementia ward.
My husband right now is sleeping in his chair, with the t.v. on. Normally we turn in at least by 8:30, both of us look forward to sf. Last week, he was upset at me and was sleeping in his chair, and I went in and asked him to come to bed.
Since he is doing this again, I am thinking about just letting him sleep in his chair and wake up exptremely sore.
This really bothers me. One of my things I wanted to change was not going to sleep mad.
My husband is hanging on to his resentment and anger, and this goal is not going to be accomplished soon. Maybe this won't be accomplished until his withdrawel symtoms from o/w are over.
I hate being the most despised person in his life now. If he could only be in my shoes, he would feel the hurt and betrayal that I have been and now going through. But right now he is in the me,me,me stage. Even today, I asked him if he wanted me to get him a cold bottle of water, he replied he already had brought himself one. (before, he would have brought out two bottles, one for me, one for him.) Another example is, when I wash the clothes, I wash both of our clothes, when he washes a load now, he picks out only his to wash, leaving mine behind, ( before he would have washed both of ours)
I don't know if our marriage is going to withstand his needing to blame me for his mother having to go to another facility. He loves his mother so much and has a need to find someone to blame for his mother's problems and right now, I am the scapegoat. Forget the fact that he is the one that had the affair at his mom's facility. Thanks for listening to me whine. Its nice to have someone that understands what I'm going through. Tommorrow, will be just like last Sunday. My husband spending the whole day at his mom's place, because it is the o/w's day off. Monday is her day off too, so I expect a repeat performance for Monday, since it is a holiday. I have some self improvement books I need to buy, so I guess I will spend my time trying to find them and then reading them. My sister recommended the book,"Why Good Girls Don't Get Ahead and Gutsy Girls Do", by Author Kate White
She told me this is a great book for people that need to learn how find their voice and speak up for themselves. My mc also had given me three books to pick up, one of them is Death and Dying. This one is for w/s. He is still mourning the deaths of his father and sister who died in 2001, and his mother's condition is triggering traumatic memories from his dad and sister's illness and death, according to the mc.

KDH
Read up on your GIVER and yoru TAKER and see why your taker needs to be locked up or distracted for a while. You will disappointed while you wait to gt a return on your investment so soon after d-day.

Use "Loving detachment" and lock up your needfulness (taker) until your H is once again capable of a healthy relationship. He just can't right now, even if he wants to. Usually FWS in withdrawal and soon after aren't capable of a healthy relationship with BS, OP , God or their own reflection in the mirror.

Its pretty early to be tired of this KDH ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You'll be fine when you start treating this as a marathon, not a sprint.

Study. Learn what is happening to you. Gives great comfort, like knowing the symptoms and progress of a horrible disease that is past the potentially fatal stage.

Thanks BobPure,
You are my voice of reason. You are right, my taker is totally in charge right now. I am totally upset the way my husband responds to my reminders on No Contact, which means in our case, him waiting until o/w goes home at night. He feels that I am telling him what to do and trying to control him, on the contrary, I am trying to save my marriage in a very bad situation. I am considering going in and talking to o/w administrator and asking her to release my mil from the 30 day notice they require. I just didn't want to add fuel to the fire, and risk my husband giving our marriage up because he was honoring No Contact and I went and talked to o/w Administrator about their affair. My husband is being good, he is honoring the No Contact. If o/w gets fired because of this, I, knowing my husband, would probably go straight to divorce.

KD

DO not let fear rule your behaviour.

I think that this is time to employ loving detachment, but enforce your boundaries very agressively.

I did it this way:

" Baby I love you and I can't know hat you;re going thorugh except for my studies, but I canot tolerate much disrespect and knowing hurt. When you contact OP or respond in any way it twits a knife in my heart. I will bear this as long as I can wheile it sees to e you are working on our M as best you can, but know that I will not chain you to me, and if you choose contact with her, you may leave with my blessing, rather that make me suffer disrespect and hurt.

Please be transparent and maintain NC. Thank yu. I love you. "

You need to give him SOME leeway but not much.

If WH leaves you because OW gets fired HE WOULD HAVE LEFT YOU ANYWAY. Not even a murder would make me leave Squid, so it is a sign oif his commitment. Your exposure and behaviour has not 'caused' his leaving or staying. You are influencing his staying, but only HE can choose to leave you.

Its a hard time but better if you are strong.

I wish I lived closer: Me and Squid could take you for waffles and you coud see how it could be.

All blessings KD: Its a real hard time you're in. but it gets better with sand and time.

Can we come to the waffle party?! LOL

Thanks BobPure, I would have loved to have waffles with you and Squid. You and squid are my light at the end of the tunnel.