Need advice. I'm new to the forum and this is my 1st post. I have two issues with H (married 8 years). While pregnant with 2nd child (2 yrs ago), I found medicine for genital warts and long round about way, H told me he got the STD from only hand contact with a prostitute. This does not jive with me since I do STD research for a living (the CDC has no documented cases of hand-to-genital contact causing genital warts) but H swears it's the truth. Issue 1: the science and the H don't match up. Issue 2: H had never planned to tell me so if I hadn't found the medicine, I would have contracted the STD. Issue 3: It's been 2 years and instead of trying to "win" back my trust, H continues to lie. Issue 4: Since I don't feel safe with H and have stopped sexual contact for a long time, H has developed porn addiction and blames me for it. Issue 5: since lies over money, porn, etc. continue, I confronted H and asked if he would ever be honest with me and he said no that it's just not his nature. He is not willing to try and be honest but does NOT want to separate, would rather stay together for the children but each have their own "privacy"; he resents my snooping.

So, questions: 1) Has ANYONE (male or female) heard of genital warts from hand-to-genital contact only? (Yes, I am still searching for at least one anecdotal occurence). Question 2) Is it unreasonable for me to want to leave just because H says he can't tell me the truth about everything (he says if I loved him, I could accept him like he is and would not require 100% honesty).

It infuriates me that he is willing to give up 10 years together to keep his lies. Any advice?

Ok...first the warts:

My father is a GP and general surgeon, says you dont get genital warts from that kind of contact. My uncle, who is a fetal surgeon that saw lots of STDs during ER internship in San Francisco concurs. Your husband is lying.

Secondly...

Your husband is totally screwed up. Do you want to save your marriage? If so, get some MC quickly. Your H can't tell you the truth about everything, eh? How about this truth:

HE RISKED THE HEALTH OF YOU AND YOUR UNBORN CHILD BECAUSE HE HAD UNPROTECTED SEX WITH SOMEONE WHILE YOU WERE PREGNANT.

Sweet Jesus! If I could slap him around I would.

Do you have any more evidence of him fooling around? Maybe you should start snooping...it's not bad to spy on him, especially after this incident. Stopping sexual contact, while understandabe, will not solve any problems. You guys need to get to MC and your husband needs to come clean. Don't expect that to happen for a while.

Good Luck!

Thanks for the advice. We did go to MC for a while but MC told us that until H could come clean and admit some things, we were kind of at an impass. MC concluded that H needed long-term counseling for other issues before H would be able to address the marital problems. H went to private counseling for 3 sessions and then proclaimed he had no issues and that MC and I were both off base.

H has not apologized for lying, only mad he was caught. If he were remorseful and willing to admit that lies destroy, I would be more hopeful. He refuses to leave the house, will only leave if I agree to leave too (he wants me to sell the house). Fortunately, funds are not an issue for me since I am the bread winner in our family.

So does he even want to stay? What about kids?

Everyone has issues, it's when they influence your decision making that you need to address them.

Did your MC tell your husband he was wrong for wanting to have a secret little life? If he/she didn't, find a new one, a pro-marriage one (if you want to stay married).

What's your role in this? Things are never totally one-sided, though there is always a victim and a perpetrator. Can you think of anything you might have done to encourage the behavior your H exhibits? For example: Our MC asked me how I could expect my FWW to be honest with me if I bit her head off every time I heard something I didn't like. Makes sense to me...

More background on your story would help folks here advise you as well. Every little detail matters, and I guarantee one of us will really identify with you and your situation is not unique.

MC was very good, he was matter-of-fact about honesty (a believer of the radical honesty policy) but it became very clear that H would not disclose how he contracted the STD; H remains adamant is was via hand contact only and contends that to him, that does not constitute infidelity.

H does not want to separate, mostly because of the kids. H thinks I'm being unreasonable by demanding honesty. If it weren't for my children, I probably would not be on this forum looking for help. I want to make the best life possible for them first and then for me.

My part in this is that for 10 years, I tolerated lies and made excuses for them because none were every really hurtful. Just before marriage, I found out H had been visiting an ex-girlfriend in her apartment for lunch every Friday and I believed him when he told me it was innocent. I didn't think I was being naive because I am a very open, bluntly honest person and I assumed that since I could be so candid that he would be too (bad assumption on my part). So after marriage, when lies would happen, I would excuse the behavior and never confront him about it (lies before the D-day were about golfing instead of working, nothing that threatened me besides the act itself of lying).

For us, the turning point in the marriage is when I became pregnant with the 1st child. Prior to the pregnancy, H was not sexually aggressive and would not initiate and during the pregnancy, told me that he found the pregnant body repulsive and could not bring himself to have sex with me pregnant. Prior to pregnancy, the joke was that he was Stanley Roper and I was the aggressor. It was during this time he first bought porn and after the baby was born, he did not like the fact that it took me a year to loose the weight. It was very hard for him that I went from a size 4 to a 10. He was honest in that he told me that he loved me more when I looked a certain way. Clearly, this was hurtful to me since I thought his love was given to me conditionally (under the condition of what size I wore) so I lost the weight and guess what -- became pregnant again. H was not happy about 2nd pregnancy and did not another child but it wasn't planned and neither of us believe in abortion. During the pregnancy, he didn't go to any doctor appts and didn't come to the hospital except for visiting hours in the evening when our friends/family were coming to see the baby. It was during the pregnancy with my 2nd son that he visited the prostitute and got the STD.

The 2nd baby brought other issues, 1) He didn't want the baby b/c of decreased freedom he had just gotten from our first son becoming more independent; 2) I had found out about the STD and that he had not planned on telling me; 3) I was again 30 pounds over the weight he preferred; 4) I have a very powerful position at work that demands a 60-hour week leaving him to do much of the caregiving; 5) the baby was in the bed with us which kept us from connecting on a non-sexual level.

I do think we both have contributed to situation (I stopped having sex with him for fear of disease and not feeling loved) but I can't seem to get him to understand that a willingness to change would go a LONG way. He blames the porn addiction on me and we're stuck in this horrible cycle. I don't believe in divorce so it's my last resort but I feel trapped since he won't even TRY to stop lying.

I'm not worried about financial, but I'm worried about my boys and about my H; he's a good man but he has a lot of mental issues to work out and until he can see that he has issues, he won't seek help.

Mabye a trial separation would "wake him up"?????

atmwm-

Wow, now that's a story. I'm sorry to say that it sounds like you're in for a lot of surprises if your H ever truly comes clean. I am so different from him in every respect you mentioned that I can't begin to identify with his behavior or understand it.

Tolerating and enabling the lying has set you up from the beginning- the visits to the ex-girlfriend were not platonic. Now he says a hand job from a prostitute isn't cheating? Who does he think he is, Bill Clinton?

Your H has a whole bunch of issues to sort out. That stuff about the pregnant body and not going to any doctor visits with you...that sounds scary to me but I know a few men who are that way. Maybe your H feels inferior to you in some way since you hold a high-power job, so he tries to "bring you down a notch" with this behavior.

You guys have a lot of deep seeded problems here, the honesty one started before you were even married. Maybe hitting the road would help him come to his senses, but that would hurt the kids. What a mess. If you could just start slowly and get traction with any one issue, what would you choose? Ask your husband which he would choose and maybe try to work on those two. At least that would get you two talking about things, even if they were just little things. Just a thought.

By the way, does he really have a porn addiction? I think that's thrown out there way too easily by folks these days. Many men like to view pornography, but that doesn't mean they flush their lives for it.

Honesty would be my number 1 issue for us to address; I am not going to be able to move forward with him until he can explain his STD in a way that is consistent with how you acquire genital warts. I firmly believe that trust builds faith and faith builds love and without trust as the cornerstone, a marriage will crumble. I would love to give him trust AGAIN but I'm scared of the risk I would put to myself both emotionally and physically (there are too many incurable STDs nowadays for this kind of reckless behavior).

Yes, the porn addiction is real. He works from home and he "schedules" time each day for his DVD sessions with his porns and has admitted he's addicted to masturbation. He also gets Maxim magazine, a magazine that is geared to single, 20-something males, not to a 39 y/o father of two. I'm not a jealous person and in fact am very liberal in many ways so I don't mind the porn on some level but I do think that like a gateway drug, it led him down a path that he normally would not have taken. A while back (when we were still sexually active), I asked him if we could watch the porn together and enjoy it as a couple and he did not want to do that. It's very sad b/c he is a great father in many ways. My only issue with his parenting is that when he's mad at me, he's borderline abusive with the boys (he doesn't outright hit them, but does tend to handle them very roughly). We are not fighters, in fact, in 8 years of marriage, the only "discussions" we have ever had occurred only after D-day. I think that's a problem too; in an attempt to never be over-bearing and crowd his space (I'm VERY independent), I tolerated behaviors and actions that I should have put a stop to long ago so part of the problem is he feels rejected that I'm just now complaining about those behaviors that were previously tolerable on my part.

Thanks for your advice. Sadly, no one has posted that they have heard of warts from hand-to-genital contact so my "reasonable doubt" theory is falling apart.

Sorry to find that you are in such a state. Your spouse needs to be completely honest with you regarding any contact he has had with anyone other than yourself for your health sake. As a FWS I was acting emotionally and not realistically. I was married and the person I had an affair with was also. I had always been monogamous with my spouse before and after marriage. I had never been with anyone else sexually. After the affair was exposed my spouse and I both were tested for STDS. We came out completely clear thank goodness. I was told by my spouse that the person I had cheated on him with had STDS. They were not from me. So that means that if he didn't get them from his wife or myself. He picked them up from someone else! Interesting!? You can't tell by how someone talks, dresses or acts if they are clean from an STD. My advise take anyone you are going to have relations with to a health clinic and disinfect them before you would even consider being intimate with them. Be careful. Emotions can fly, anyone can end up in a predicament they had not planned on....for a moment of passion...it is not worth risking your life to Aids, hepatitis C, Syphillis, Gonerohea, chlamydia, vaginal warts and herpes. Marriage is meant for a life time commitment with another person. To be able to share yourself sexually without reserve and worry if you are both monogamous. I made a terrible choice, I wish I could have erased the moment. It was irresponsible to impart any danger to myself and to my trusting spouse. It was a shallow act. Unforgivable to be so dishonest to your spouse and your marriage which was built on commitment and love for a lifetime. I have learned a hard lesson. My spouse unfortunaltey suffered from my poor choices. I hope your spouse will wake up and realize that he is a person who has little self control and needs some professional help. Tell your spouse it is imperative that he be faithful to you. If he can't then you should move on to someone who can be so that you will live a life without fear of disease and possibly death. I had a friend in the early 70's who contracted Aids, he died at an early age of 30. It can happen. To good people. Don't shorten your life by having illicit sex. It is not worth it.

Thanks for your replies. I asked H if he thought it was a privlege to be married to someone who is totally honest and if he respected me for my total candor over the years (he said no). About 4 years ago, I started feeling a closeness to a co-worker of the opposite sex and immediately told H that I was having feelings that were not healthy for our marriage. I also told the co-worker (who had no clue) that we could not do lunches (we always went in a large group, never alone) becuase I was having inappropriate thoughts about him. Co-worker was shocked and said he understood and never aksed me to join the lunch gang again. I did the right thing -- when I had a strange feeling for someone other than H, I nipped it in the bud immediately. I don't buy the notion of being "caught up in the moment" because very rarely does a moment present itself without some prior actions/thoughts/notions putting the scenario into action.

I see all these posts from people who have been betrayed, those who done the betraying and it's kind of depressing. Maybe I chose poorly, maybe society stinks, but is it unreasonable to expect honesty and integrity????

Honesty and integrity are NOT unreasonable expectations in marriage. You are settling for less if you stay in this "arrangement of privacy" as you H corrodes God's intention for marriage. How can you share a true partnership like this?

You deserve so much more. Please think about yourself.