Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 169
T
timn420 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 169
I’ve thought a lot about dating, the possibilities, what it means to me, and still haven’t been able to embrace the idea of starting. I’m 33, with my divorce being finalized in the next 2 weeks. I’ve come to love who I am and the creativeness that has opened up in this new life.

My problem is that I’ve always been an introvert and at this moment seem to be relishing in having a life that doesn’t involve a relationship. It’s not that dating scares me, it’s the work involved in learning about someone all over again and the process that dating entails. I’ve dated and have had several relationships before my marriage and was so happy to finally be able to get out of the “singles” scene when I got married. I usually dated women who I knew were interested in me or pursued me.

What scares me is that I’m actually open to the idea of not getting married again or dating for that matter. Become a virtual monk.. I would like to have kids, but am considering moving closer to my sister in order to be closer to my nephews and be more a part of their lives if I don’t have kids. I’m just wondering if not having the desire to date is the normal thought process for divorcees. It scares me to think this way just because it doesn’t seem very healthy. I have a female co-worker going through a divorce as well. While our time frames for the divorce are similar, she has set goals to find someone, have kids, etc. within 5 years.

I feel weird embracing the idea of not ever dating.


Married 3 years Me(BS): 33 WW: 30 D-Day 5/21/05 Divorced - it's over and my life has now begun
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 505
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 505
You bet it's normal not to want to date or get married again. This is especially true at your stage of the game. It's like touching a hot stove. You only want to do that once and then when you are around stoves afterward, you're much more careful.

Tim, I've been divorced for two years now. I have no desire to date and really have no interest in marrying again. This may change, but it may not. You know what? I don't lie awake nights worrying about it. I, like you, am enjoying the me who, for all those years, was either in a relationship or seeking one. Now, I am happy to live my quiet little life, doing the things I want to do and not have to worry about all the work and sacrifice that goes into being married. I'm older than you and men my age think very hard about starting over again after a divorce. Why? Beause we KNOW how much work goes into getting to know someone and incorporating your life into theirs. It's stressful, and this is something that young married never consider going into it. I'm just not sure I ever want to do that again.

Big secret for you: don't judge yourself against how women your age do things after a divorce. You are not a woman. They are far more likely to be out there dating again within weeks of a divorce and re-marry much sooner than men do. Your co-worker's goals are probably dictated in part by her biological clock. They are wholly unrealistic and she will, in all probability, marry the wrong man. Even if she were to give herself a couple of years before looking for a new mate, she still has to find the right one, and after that they need to be married for at least three years before starting a family. So her five year timeframe for meeting this goal is dangerous. But, tick, tick, tick.....

Unhealthy? Absolutley not! One doesn't HAVE to be married in order to be healthy and happy. Indeed, this myth is one of the reasons the divorce rate is so high. That is, people think they have to be married and marry the wrong person for the wrong reasons. Now that's unhealthy. Do you have any idea how many men in this country are now deciding never to marry? Believe me, a lot, and the trend is growing.

I cannot say that I will never marry again. I may, since there are some things about marriage I really miss. After the stress of settling into a new marriage passes, it does have many advantages. But so does being single. At this point, you shouldn't worry so much about dating and marriage. The very fact that you are asking these questions indicates that you have no business dating anyway. Just enjoy your life, and when/if the desired to find a new mate comes round again, worry about it then.

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 1,277
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 1,277
All I can say is "Amen" to everything [color:"blue"] Check [/color] said.

[color:"blue"] Tim [/color] , if you were saying the opposite of what you're feeling, something along the lines of "I can't wait to start dating / There's someone I'm interested in dating / I feel connected to this girl at work, etc. then you'd probably have the majority on this board telling you that you're moving too quickly. Don't judge yourself by what others around you expect or do. I've been separated 3.5 years and divorced 8 months, and am *usually* happy with my current state. Although I do need an escort to a function next week...LOL, but that's a subject for another thread. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 169
T
timn420 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 169
Thanks everyone for your responses. Check, your answers are always amazing and right on target.

Sometimes I think that I need to date again. It’s an instinct that has always been with me after getting out of a relationship. However, I notice this time it’s different. It’s almost like I have a wall around me or something. I go out to a bar or restaurant and spend time looking at other girls etc., but I have no desire to actually talk to any of them. It’s such an odd feeling. Like I’m disconnected in some way emotionally.

To think that I may not have the drive and ambition to date really saddens me. Sometimes I guess maybe I just need to go out with someone to get over these feelings, but I’m probably wrong about that too.


Married 3 years Me(BS): 33 WW: 30 D-Day 5/21/05 Divorced - it's over and my life has now begun
Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 1,195
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 1,195
I feel the same way. This is my second D - so I've been there and done that before. Swore I wouldn't get married again, and really liked my single life. Then... well... I met H #2. But it is not likely to happen again. I will tell you that I had a very hard time getting adjusted to being married again - though I now know my 2nd H had big time boundary problems and a dysfunctional family that consumed lots of our time. It may be that a relationship with healthy boundaries would be fine.

What I wish is that it would be possible to meet a man who feels as I do. It would be great to have a male friend to do things with, but where neither of us wanted to have a Relationship (with a capital 'R'). I have single female friends - but most have never been married and have very independent lives going. They don't seek companionship - and in fact are too busy for much of it anyway.

I miss the companionship side of being married. I, unfortunately, am a borderline extrovert. I like being alone for awhile - but then it starts to get to me and I find myself wanting company and there's nobody there. It's not about "needing" someone - it's about preferring to be in the company of others, at least part of the time.


Waiting for dawn...
...but not afraid of the dark.

DDay: Sept 26, 2004
Moved out: Dec 16, 2004
D Final: Oct 10, 2006
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 280
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 280
I've had this odd sort of curve develop where during the early months of my separation I was looking forward to dating again, looking at women and "qualifying" them in my head. But now that I'm much closer to my divorce, I suddenly find little interest in developing any sort of relationship with any of them.

I think I've come to a realization that this is an opportunity to explore other areas of my life.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, my STBX is trying to speed up the divorce so she can move in with the second man she's been "in love" with in the last six months. Good luck with that, eh?


and I knew then that I would have to live, and go on living: what a sorrow it was; and still what sorrow burns but does not destroy my heart --Jane Kenyon
Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 1,195
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 1,195
Similar progression with me. I think when you've recently been in a relationship, you are more likely to think in terms of being in one. Then, when you've been on your own awhile, that becomes your reality. At least that's how it seems for me. I really don't remember what it was like living with someone... even though it was only about 9 months ago. I feel like I've blocked out that part of my life.


Waiting for dawn...
...but not afraid of the dark.

DDay: Sept 26, 2004
Moved out: Dec 16, 2004
D Final: Oct 10, 2006

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 38 guests, and 59 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Qwerty1234, Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY
71,738 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,811
Members71,738
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5