Hi all,

its been 4-5 months since my wife (ex-wife) left. The divorce could potentially be finalized by first of next month. I have been dating some, all of which with only one execption hav been disappointing to say the least.

I guess what I'm getting at is that even afer all she has put me through, I still love her. I know that the divorce has to happen, I don't want it but I know it is needed. I want my wife back, I want the woman I feel in love with.

At what point do I say that it is a lost cause...I am willing to be patient, but to what end, will she ever change?

Just confused, and have alot of conflicting emotions right now. and input would be appreciated.

Jason

Jason, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Take a deep breath aand consider some things. You write:

its been 4-5 months since my wife (ex-wife) left.

and...

The divorce could potentially be finalized by first of next month.

and ...

I still love her

and...

I want my wife back, I want the woman I feel in love with.

and...

your entire sig

and, finally...

Just confused, and have alot of conflicting emotions right now

Of course you are confused and have a lot of conflicting emotions. So here's the first thing you have to do: STOP DATING! You have no business dating right now. Not only will this contribute to your confusion, not only will it not assuage the pain you are feeling, you are going to hurt innocent women. You know this isn't right.

At what point do you say it's a lost cause? Well, she's filed for divorce and it's going to be final soon. So, you have to accept that it is already a lost cause. Your marriage is over. You must begin the process of letting go so you can start to heal. She's had three PAs and one EA, so she definitely has a serious problem. Will she ever change? Only she knows that and it is her problem to resolve.

You do need to be patient, but not with her. You need to be patient with yourself. You've not had what could have been anything but a emotionally damaging marriage. Now it is ending and you feel powerless. You need to accept that the time to work on your marriage is past and you must now turn that energy toward working on yourself. Please consider some councelling to help you learn to deal withthe grief and loss in a healthy way.

Hang in there, Jason. You're going to be alright. Right now this won't mean much to you, but time is the great healer.

CheckUrHeart,

You are right, I know this...

I think I just need to hear it from others more often.

As far as the dating goes I am not actively looking anymore, it is just too hard and way too many disappointments out there. Also as you said I really won't make a good partner right now.

Letting go is hard for me. It goes against everything I believe in, Marriage is for life right?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I know I held on for way too long. I can't hold a relationship together by myself, I learned that the hard way.

I'm damaged goods now... I am not the person I was

Case in point I used to able to make a decision and stick with it.....

Just lonley beyond words, and very dicouraged


anyway, thanks for the response

Jason

You by no means are damaged goods. I too thought that way and then I realized how much I learned from the whole painful process. I am better now. I have learned from my mistakes and I will not make them again.

Check is so right. The answer is TIME. I hated when I was told that repeatedly here, but it is so true. I fought for my M for way too long. I didn't want the D, even though I filed. I still loved him. I felt if I did all the right things I could change his mind. M was for life. Months later-- M is for life, but ours wasn't. The man I loved wasn't the man that was in front of me. He never did anything to stop the D and I gave up because one person can't save it.

Don't date. Find yourself. Allow yourself to grieve the M and feel the loss. Time and counseling allowed me to see that I was upset over losing everything, not just him. I was losing the image of M and the security of it. I was scared to the future and it was easier to hold on to the past. Read the book "Rebuilding when the relationship ends" by Bruce Fisher. It was recommended here by a friend and it helped me so much.
Take care. It hurts terribly, but it does get easier.

Luckstar,

I know that in many ways I am a better person for all that I have been through. I have learned many things (some of which I could have done without) but I have learned much.

I still fell less than I was, there really are no words to decribe what I went through when I found out she was cheating on me while I was deployed. I lost part of myself then and I don't know if I'll every be the man I was.

Check said


I've never had it put to me that way, but it rings true.

I told a friend once that I would rather go back to combat then go through what I did with her....combat is easier <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

You said



That is so true, I felt that I did not know the person she had became. Now and then I would see bits of the woman I fell in love with, but it was not who she was anymore.

Your right that some of the loss I feel is for the loss of what I had as a "family". I hate the fact that I have to live in a crappy apartment, that just when all the financial issues were resolved it all goes to s***. And to top it off 10 more years of my life was wasted on a lost cause.

My boy lives with me...that is all that keeps me going most days, he needs one parent who is "stable" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />


btw i'm gonna chk out that book today...thanks

Jason

I know that there are no words to describe how you feel when you find out you were cheated on, but those of us that have lived it know. We don't need you to describe it. I was 6 months preg when my XH started his A. I found out when my DD was 1. My life went to H#!! and he continued it. I brought so much pain, I thought I was going to die. But I didn't. I'm OK. Yes, I learned things that I don't care to know, but it will make me stronger in choosing a new partner. I will never be the same person I was. I didn't question motives, I gave, I never thought it would happen to me. Now I am jaded. I look at everything. I'm less trusting. Maybe not good qualities, but survival qualities. And I am a surviver and you are too. The pain is terrible, but you will get thru it.

I am at a point where i try not to think about the loss. I am trying to look to the future.

Jason,
I too feel exactly the same way as you!
I too am still in love with my wife, or the wife I used to have. She Is realy not the same person though (It Is true the alien is within her now) Even when I hear her laughter, I do not recognise her. We were best friends, but now she has another.
The person who used to love and comfort me, and I her. Is now a bitter twisted person. She Is sooo cruel and not in the least concerned about the family. She Is too wrapped up in her own world.
CheckUrHeart, Is right for both you and I. When they are headstrong and file for D, there Is nothing we can do! I'm sure OP are feeding them with ILOVE YOU's I only want to be with you, and so on.
What keeps me strong Is My son, the love I have for him, and also the belief: "What goes around comes around"
I know things will get better, but It will be hard.
I don't hate my WW, I actualy feel very sorry for her, she will have to live with the course she created. I must do what I can with the course that I have been pushed into.
Please don't look at your 10 years as a lost cause. I'm sure they were good years, and they were spent with the true W, not the alien that now posseses her.
My biggest issue will be TRUST, I don't know If I will ever fully trust someone again. that for me apart from the family unit will be my greatest loss.

Again I wish you all the best, i think sometimes It's not what life deals us, but how we can deal with those things.
I do feel for your loss, and I know what your going through, stay strong and look for tomorrow.

Most people say you should wait some time before dating and I agree. Put some time in yourself. Do things that you've been putting off for a while or could not have done while you were married. While this experience has been traumatic it's part of life's journey and you can learn alot from it. I have learned so much about who I am as a person and I continue to enjoy this aspect of the situation. I have to be honest and say that I am a much better person in several ways (physically ,spiritually, socially, etc) then ever before.