It has been many months since I have posted. A little background. H and exow were involved in 2000. OC born in 2001. We have since moved out of state and are across the country. Exow and oc lived in New Orleans area. H has contact with oc over telephone only after we moved.

Exow and oc along with sibling now have no home, no jobs, and the rest of their family is missing. Exow contacted H after the storm. My inlaws volunteered their home to her and her children (one of which is of course their grandchild). The church that my H and I got married in are embracing the family providing scholarships for school to the children and furniture, possible rental property, job opportunities etc.

I feel very betrayed yet totally conflicted. I feel for exow and the circumstances. Due to life experiences, I completely understand losing all of your worldly possessions and the feelings of hopelessness and loss. A huge part of me is leaning toward the obvious Christian thing to do and the help the family needs.

My H family is all they have right now...however, what about me? Any advice?

At a loss.

Hi. I can only imagine how you must feel and what a difficult sitch this is for you. As I read your post, these are the questions that came to mind:


Has your H family had contact w/ the oc (and exow) before the hurricane? Do they have any established relationship with them or was this just the opportunity for H parenst to pitch in and help the relief effort with the security of knowing a little something about the family they were inviting in?

How did H parents handled it when they found out about A and OC? Have the been supportive of you? What is your relationship with them like?

You obviously are a person with a heart full of grace of you probably would not have chosen to stay in your M. This of course makes a sitch like the one you described so much harder because you are torn between offering more grace and understanding and protecting yourself.

I wish I had some great advice for you but I don't - all I can offer is a listening ear and I'll be praying for you.

Hang in there!

Wow I can only hope that they find a real place to live real quick... they are offering up homes to the hurricane displaced all over the place.

Does this bring them to your state that you live in?

I am sorry but I really would have made other arrangements for them like a hotel that most are offered all over the place Texas to Michigan they are offered to the families for free.

Tryintomakeitwork:

My in laws had phone contact with oc only. My MIL had only spoken with exow once before and it did not go well. Exow at the time gave very strong opinions about how they were as grandparents, blah, blah, blah. In-laws cancelled trip to New Orleans last year due to that conversation.

Exow, oc and sibling arrived last night at in-laws. For whatever reason, I had the biggest urge to call my in-laws at that point, but did not. What the heck input do I have at this point.

I called MIL late last week to express my discontent regarding the situation. I was not begrudging her choice, just wanted to remind her how it all looked to me.

I am very fearful that my relationship with my MIL will change dramatically over this because I may not be able to come to grips with her choices. Up to this point, she was very supportive of me and how I have dealt with everything. She hasn't necessarily stopped but it sure does not appear supportive to me.

Still confused.

Tryin,

i would be extrememly uncomfortable with the situation as well. In my situation my MIL decided off her own bat to initiate contact with the ow/oc rather than go through h and i and she never said a word about it. She somehow felt that her role as grandparent overroad ours as parent and step parent.

i think you are right to be concerned about the effect it will have on your relationship with mil in the future. how can it not change it. I realise the oc is one of her relations but as you pointed out, there were other accomodation options available to the xow. seems to me that maybe mil is trying to prove herself to xow.

personally i think you are handling this rather well and very generously. if it were me, there would have been some very harsh words spoken. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Cheers

Carolyn

While I am sure your MIL thinks what she is doing is PC, I find it appalling. There are thousands of people who need assistance and a safe haven that a she could have helped. By allowing the ow into that home is a direct insult to you and your family. This needs to be addressed.

Sure the hurricane was a disaster of monumental proportions, yet that does not mean that you need to be run over. We are all doing what we can to help, donating to Red Cross, donating to the Animal Shelters, etc. Our area has found homes available for temp housing for famlies in need. The whole country is reaching out to those in need. It galls me that some ow is using a disaster of this magnitude to manipulate your family. There are so many decent people from N.O. suffering and this one sees it as a means to an end. Simply disgusting.


How did this MIL handle your objections? Was she understanding of your feelings? If this were me I would consider it the end of any relationship with MIL. She made a choice, and needs to understand the ramifications.

I would not be planning on spending any holidays, birthdays, etc. with her. I would take MIL calls, but it it wasnt' a heartfelt apology for her irrational and inappropriate choice, I would say "I have to go" and hang up the phone. All actions have consequences.

As for OW, I think she is simply horrid to use this disaster the way she is.

Speak to your husband about this and make sure you are both on the same page and then discuss it firmly and solidly with the inlaws. They are expecting far to much from you if they think they can stab you in the back, and then have a normal family relationship ever again.

Tryin
I absolutely agree with LynnG on this one. I think it's an absolute disrespectful to you.
There is absolutely no need for this. I think they used this as an excuse. There is plenty of other resources.

I would definately have frank discussion with your MIL. Please be honest with her. Tell her exactly how you feel.

I have the upmost sympathy for anybody going through this tragedy. But this is where I would draw the line.

I am shaking my head, you would think they would have at least called you ahead of time; just out of common respect.

Who knows? The xOW could have did a good job at manipulating your MIL.
wiz

Did ow approach your MIL or did MIL approach the ow? How did it come into play before we start saying that the ow used this to manpulate the inlaws?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
Mary just curious? Why Ask the Question?

Its seems you and your lovely friends on TOW have all the answers to this ladies problem?? Right? She's the wicked witch? She wants to see the OW and OC drown where they stand... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Why is it that they keep dragging posts from MB over to TOW??

Well it doesn't surprise me what they are capable of. It only shows me they have learned nothing from their stitch... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
Instead of fueling the situation, why don't try and encourage your friend (MOM) not to read over here and bring our members problems over there...

But I was really surprise with you I thought you grown above that...

wiz

edit to add: Just to make my position absolutely clear Mary...I have NEVER done that; I posted on both boards...but I have never dragged another member over to another site...nor have I ever commented any of tow members here personally... I like them prove otherwise...
And please don't use this as an example. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Where exatly is the TOW board? I have heard many refer to it - but where is it?

***********edited *********


brace yourself. the vitriol is ummm, unbelievable. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

If it was me, I am far enough past H's former affair,and love my stepson that I would be glad oc has tempory home w/ family of some kind and be glad of the relief it would be to my H. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Remember it's a temporary situation due to the worst natural disaster this country has ever seen!!!

Be confidant the A has been over for yrs.
You do trust your H and Inlaws, if so then you have nothing to worry about. If it helps just remember the peace of mind it brings your H knowing his son is safe and secure w/ his parents. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

To answer some of your questions:

MIL approached exow. MIL told H she was going to offer her home. H did not object outright, so MIL went ahead with the plan. I told my H how hurt I am that he did not consider how much this would bother me. He responded how sorry he was and that he in fact did not think it would bother me that much.

Yes, I am sure my H is a lot less worried knowing his son is safe. I agree, but I also agree that there were other options. Our church is so involved, I am sure the congregation could have found her another place to stay.

I have spoken with my MIL. I was not yelling, or cruel, but let her know that I feel betrayed and hurt. I really don't think she truly gets the ramifications of this. My H has also spoken to her, but states he doesn't want to get in the middle. I told him that I don't want him in the middle but do want to make it clear that I am not happy.

I am up and down emotionally. There are days that I am devastated and other days that I am tolerable. For the record, I do not believe the exow manipulated anything. She was so dehydrated escaping the situation she almost died. When this offer was made, I am sure that she took it because she had no other idea what to do. Her entire family is missing and presumed dead. She had nothing else at the time. I just wish that those who chose to help her could have thought some things through for just a minute. She still could have driven to CA but stayed elsewhere.

Still lost.

Tryin

My heart goes out to you. You are still struggling with this...

I think things would have been better had they included you...
And far as your H declaring he doesn't want to be in the middle of this ...well I think thats little too late don't you think?

I hope you find peace with your situation... I know those dark days... it brings everything back doesn't it?

Hopefully they will be able to find other resources for the OW / OC....
Maybe there something you can do to help the situation..offer to place the the OW somewhere else... maybe offer to take the son up where you are..so this free the OW to get back on her feet and look for her missing family?

I wish I could offer better advice...

wiz

first of all, I think it's a good question when everyone has said the ow is doing this and no where has it been said who asked who.

Second, I do feel that It's selfish, but at least I'm not ashamed to say my feelings. I'm honest at least!

Thridly, Wiz since you read over at Tow I would think you would have seen where MOM hates my guts because I'm to supportive of the BW over here. Supposly I have to much compassion for bw's who hate an innocent child <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

As it was stated over at Tow, since the beginning of time you guys and us guys (I guess that is the best way to put it) have started threads from reading each other's boards am I correct?

This is how I feel. That is why I asked? I don't feel I SAID anything that was wrong as it was my opinion. As much as I would hate it, after all that has gone on, if xmm and his kids and HIS WIFE needed a place to stay and had no one else, I would open my house to them. His is after all my child's father by blood anyway. Heck I'd probaly let them stay at my house and I'd go stay somewhere else.

And Angel made a good point. this person maynot be very far in her recovery. I can totally understand her being confussed over it. I'd be too, but this is a crisis. And a few remarks made like there are so many people in need of housing, why can't they take some other family in. To me that was like WOW! At some point when do you take away the fact that the affair happened when crisis happens and be happy that someone has taken care of there own? The child is her husband's own. Maybe not ow/and her other kid/s. But oc is his child. Charity starts at home.

It's just how I feel. It could have been worse Wiz.......I could have come over here and read it and then posted about it. I have gotten above that, for the most part. With all of us though there is always one or two on the other side that get to us. The only part that upset me over her post was the fact that is was the biggest disaster we've had and so many people are stranded, loosing there lives over there that have survived the hurrican (okay I'm getting off subject here sorry no polictics included I know) and this is her husband's blood. I honestly don't think her mil did this to hurt this person. I think this mil saw that a disaster happened and felt like most of the world (including this poster) over this. I sat and watched this for over a week weaping over it. And cursing certain government officals.

People are coming to my area. I have put my name on the list for a single mother of kids to shelter if they need me.

As far as mom goes..........nothing I say (including I'm sorry your in pain, or your xmm is dirty rotten sob) would even mean a thing to her. Because I've made friends w/bw's I'm in the same catagory as she puts them. kwim? I don't care anyway. People are people and I hate the titles.

Tryin I am sorry if I hurt your feelings. It was not my intent. Before I could really comment or correct my comments and with what I was seeing here, that is why I asked.

I could only imgaine how your feeling. I know they did not think of your, and that hurts. But really right now I don't think people are thinking of others at this time if you get what I mean.

I'm sure your mil did not think it would bother you under the circumstances. I could see my parents doing this as well.

I hear a lot of commpassion in your post, and think that your just very confussed with the situation. Like she had no other options, she almost died, her family is presummed dead, etc. As far as your h is concerned, although I feel the way I do, I kindof feel like if your husband agrees with you that he put his 3cents in, and if he doesn't, he flat out tells you and gives you a reason. kwim?

Maybe if you can sit back and think about if you were in the situation and it was offered to you how appreciative you would be, and what would you do. Maybe that would make it easier on you? Again, I do feel you were being selfish, although I can understand your hurt.

I am so glad I live where I live where nothing major happens here wheather wise! I can't even imagine what these people are going through and so many people being killed after the hurrican who actually survived it etc., and have no homes to go to.

Can we please keep the arguments to the situation? I am looking for guidance in a situation that no one should have to go through no matter which side you are on. Stop the catfighting please!

Sorry I apoligized then?

Amen! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I have read your posts over and over and I just can't believe it......I mean I know that she has gotten shelter from your MIL but it was this kind of charity that got her in this postition to begin with..kwim?! It was an affair..it was an affair....there is no excuse for it, it is what it is....and I would be mad as h*** if I was in your position. I know it was a natural disaster and all that but I would still feel kicked in the stomach once again. I can't even imagine. What did you MIL say exactly when you talked to her?
Its like either way you choose its never a win situation. I always strattle the fence on knowing what to do. I am so overcome with guilt sometimes for my actions or non-actions...BUT I know I have to do what is right and what I can handle....and what is best for me and my family...my children....
I am so very sorry..