this is for needtomoveon:

I really resent the fact that you think I am being selfish! You have got to be kidding me! Was it selfish to accept what occurred and allow the oc into my life and heart? Was it selfish to never say a mean word to the exow and treat her with civility? Which, by the way, she has NEVER done for me! Was it selfish of me to never complain about supporting this child or when I budget so my h can go see his son even when he doesnt want to make the effort? Was it selfish to tell my MIL when we discovered oc was h to have joy in her heart about her first grand child and not worry about me because I understand? I have not been the least bit selfish in this entire situation and I have dealt with it since 2000. So if I seem selfish to you now...stick it! For once, I am going to stand up for ME! I havent done it up until now and I have been belittled by exow, disrespected by exow, and disregarded by exow. So, fine, I will be selfish now! And what difference does it make anyway...exow IS living with my inlaws and is safe. She has been there for a week and I am dealing with it. This board is place where I can vent and get some feedback. As for you, you now have my feedback regarding your statement that I am selfish...

AMEN.
You need to be selfish.
No one else seems to be too worried about your feelings in your family....
IF anything, this should be an awakening.....

This is your place to come that is right. I am sorry you even feel like you have to defend yourself.

I know you feel what you feel now and whenever its all natural. I am sorry you husband feels like he doesnt have any say so or wants to stay out of a situation he created. Your mil is exactly that yours and your husband's mother she should have nothing to do with xow except to offer to send stuff to oc or give her an idea of where to shelter the oc. I too would feel that sick betrayed feeling... actually I know I would prob end up disliking my mil for this thing she prob did without thinking much about it... maybe she is one of those that wanted to say she was helping in some way to others around her I really dont know.

I know some people are like that.
It really should not take long for the xow and her family to get on thier feet with all the stuff offered by the gov and the state.

I hope this goes quickly and it will be over as quickly as it began for you mental health sake.
Stay strong.

Trying, Again I apoligize for saying anything. YOu asked though. I explained why I felt that way. I don't know your life history. You don't know my life history!

I'm assuming that you wanted justifaction for your feelings by asking to begin with? I mean why ask if you can't take a different point of view?

YOU DO HAVE the right to your feelings. I never said you did not! This is NOT about the affair. This is about a child who is blood related to your mil just as your kids are and your mil felt compelled to help a blood relative who happens to have a mother (that was invovled in an affair w/your husband) & another child I believe you said. I know that was devasting to you. I CAN understand that believe it or not. But this was a horrific thing that has happened. I comend your mil. Hey my mm would rather see my oc dead than help her out for anything. So maybe if you see it from that stand point, you can understand why I feel the way I do. Plus it was the way I was raised I guess too.

If your husband did not want to see his oc then maybe you should not have pushed it. The same with your inlaws. Everyone has to ease into there stitch as they feel comfortable to do so. All I said was that your mil was opening up her home to someone whom she DID NOT have a good conversation with last and you said yourself that she almost died, and she has no idea if any of her family was alive yada yada yada. I was not RUDE to you, or call you names. The selfishness was my opinion to a question that you asked. It should NOT make you feel uncomfortable to post either.

Apprently there was only 1 other person who agreed with me, so it was not the popular vote anyway.

I am allowed to post on this board because I have an oc. It's a public forum. So when I heard about this post, I came over and read it, and responded.

I said over and over again, that I felt YOU had compassion in your heart. Let's not look at ALL the good I said about you and keep focused on that one line that I said.

Really your feelings are not that uncommon, except you do have the compassion in your post for what her and her kids have gone through. I could and have very well seen more than not others say let the red cross take them, send them to a church.......And the ONLY reason they and you feel this way is because of the affair! NOthing else! I could understand those feelings with just about any other stitch that may come around, but this was a disaster! Therefore that is why/how I feel.

As rude as your post to me was, I could very well, snap back, but I'm not going to do that and start a board war.

It's just like when I ask a question about how I'm handling something, or doing something, I hear from both ow's and bw's and I won't ask unless I'm ready for all the answers!

NTMO----This is MARRIAGE BUILDERS, not "help all ow out of their hurricane disaster board"

If this woman is upset that the ow is intruding on the family, so be it. She has right to be upset and she certainly is NOT being selfish. WHY ON EARTH DOES SHE HAVE TO BE POLITICALLY CORRECT ON THIS BOARD? She is angry and there is no problem with her being so. ONCE AGAIN...THIS BOARD IS NOT A SUPPORT BOARD FOR HOMELESS OW AND THEIR CHILDREN....IT IS A MARRIAGE BUILDING BOARD.

Heck even your offer to help out single mothers made me laugh. I think when I send in another donation I will state that it ONLY go to a married couple, with kids, and demand that it NOT go to any single mothers....how sick is that? I gave, but had no conditions....who is the selfish one??? GMAB

And please, NTMO, Dont bother to respond. I find your constant drumbeat of support for the ow/oc, to be less the supportive of a marriage. Calling a wife selfish for not wanting the ow/oc and the rest of the herd around is hardly appropriate for a Marriage Building site. Afterall, they have nothing to do with the marriage at all.

That said............

1. Talk to your husband and make sure he understands that he may not want to be drawn into the middle, but he IS in the middle. He needs to grow some balls and tell his meddling mama that her choice to aid this particular victim has been hurtfull to you and him and your family. He needs to tell her that if this ow can make it to CA, she can certainly find some other shelter at this point. Good lord, isn't CA the liberal capital of the world? I'm sure Barbara Streisand or Michael Moore can put her up.

2. You two need to decide what your relationship with his parents are going to be now. Until you have a heartfelt, sincere apology for the pain and hurt she has caused, I see no reason to be "family" with MIL again.

3. As far as the ow and her passle of children, what they are going through is horrid, but in no way shape or form is it up to you to correct this natural disaster. You can help with your local Red Cross by donating, you can help with the Humane Society for the Animals. You can do alot of things to help all those who are hurting. You DO NOT, however, have to sit back and have knives put in your back, under the name of the "hurricane".

I would consider this the end of any relationship at all with the MIL. I would totally cut her out of your life right now. I would also completely discuss this with your husband. Afterall, what is next? She wants ow/oc and the rest of her herd to come over for Thanksgiving? Come on, this is the real world. You do not have to put up with such disrespect. And that starts with your husband. How dare he say he doesn't want to be in the middle? It is ow and her passle of kids, or you. She is in CA for crying out loud, it's not like she is wondering the streets of NO. He can ask/tell his mother to make them leave, or have no son and DIL. He can clearly state to her that her offer has been hurtfull and that he stands behind you. She was out of line with this and actions have consequences.

But you need to discuss all of this with and do it as a united front with your husband.

And no matter what DO NOT TALK TO HER UNTIL SHE HAS SINCERELY APOLOGISED FOR HER BEHAVIOR. If MIL calls and doesn't apologize, tell her you have to go and hang up. She will eventually get the message. Life is to short to waste on people like your MIL. You have gone through enough already. If she can't see that, then what is the point of pretending you are all a loving supportive family? Your husband sounds like he has worked this out and is sorry for the mistake he has created. Your MIL seems short sighted and disrespectfull. ESPECIALLY after you told her how you felt. CUT HER OFF. She can help ow all she wants, but that doesn't mean you have to be supportive of her and her poor choices.

As for the Hurricane and it's aftermath. There are people all over the nation displaced and alone and scared. Organizations all over the country are reaching out. No reason why ow cant put her name on the list. If you feel guilty for feeling this way, after all the trauma ow went through, donate to the Red Cross.

And one more thing, it does nobody anygood when we, as a country are facing the worse national disaster, and people are still lashing out and hurting others. Your mother in law could learn alot about decorum. She may have helped one, but she has hurt another....nice.

As usual, well said Lynn. Thanks for putting NTMO aka Marysway in her place.

Tryin,

i think Lynn has offered you some excellent adviced there. i agree with it 100% because it is exactly what i did/continue to do with my MIL. My h even tried the "i cant get in the middle here" BS as well. my thoughts were well tough luck buster, you are in the middle whether you like it or not. he eventually got the hint.

my mil decided she wasnt content to have contact with the oc through my h and myself and went direct to the OW, without saying a word to me about it. She was inviting her to christmas and other family events and was apparnetly oblvious to why i might have a problem with that. while it is not exactly the same situation, i am empathising with you on this one. we have enough ****** to deal with in this siutation without the interference of extended family. boundries need to be maintained and in my humble opinion, mil has leapfrogged across just about all of them.

hugs

carolyn

Tryin, what I see here is an example of not having a good POJA. Have you and your H made one? Are you going w/ contact or not? Has the DNA been done? Anything legal set up? If there are no boundaries, then its WIDE OPEN spaces as far as the OW/ MIL and anyone else concerned. Lets forget about Katrine and just go though this. MIL called your H before hand, then H doesn't stand up, why, typical avoider. (most are) Doesn't stop and say hey mom, we are going N/C with this right now and you know, let me talk to BS and see what options are open for places for her to go.
And included you in this, maybe it would have lessen the pain. You where excluded, and therefore, your emotions take over and its a bad feeling to feel as if your MIL stabed you in the back. Don't really know what kind of person she is, but if she's anything like my mom, my mom would have helped ANYONE, no matter what. And I'm sure being her flesh and blood she wouldn't want her grand child on the floor w/ so many others around if it could be helped. I'm not making excuses for them only trying to help you deal and get though this. Everyone has a right to their feelings and healing in different stages. But if you have things done legally and have a POJA in place and you and your H working as a team, no matter if your go N/C or C, then he may have corrected the problem and the hurt at the beginning. Your MIL has a right to see her grandchild, nothing anyone can do about that, but IF she knew, from your H before hand she may have helped out in a different way. And if you choose not to have C and she chooses to have C with this child, there is nothing that can be done about that. Except avoid her and cut her off, if she is not going to support you and H choices.
Sunny D

You said:

"Was it selfish to tell my MIL when we discovered oc was h to have joy in her heart about her first grand child and not worry about me because I understand..."

So you told your MIL to have joy in her heart for her grandchild, told her not to worry about you, told her you understood. And now you're telling her the opposite - that she hurt you by caring about the child you asked her to have joy for?

It sounds like you gave your MIL the impression that you wanted her to be happy about the child and not to worry about you having negative feelings about her relationship with the child. So now that she's opened her home to this part of her family, how would she have known you wouldn't be cool with it? If you now threaten to cut her off because of it, what will that gain you? Doesn't it make more sense to wait until the crisis is over, wait until they move back to their home, and then sit down with MIL and tell her how you honestly feel? Wouldn't that be a more honest way of dealing with the situation than threatening to cut her off, or asking for apologies that she may not feel she owes you, based on your own words to her?

Being happy for the child is one thing. Harboring the ow and welcoming her into the family home is quite another.

The husband should have said something from start. HE is the 1st one at fault here. His complete denial at the harm he has created to his wife is obvious. Once that MIL was made aware at how uncomfortable HER OWN FAMILY was with her choice, she should have done something, but chose not to, so her priorities are clear. She doesn't care if her son and DIL are hurting. So why even pretend that they are a family. She will be responsible for being cut off from her son and DIL. It was her own choice. So what would the loss be?

Think about it. What would this wife lose here? A MIL who couldn't care less about her feelings? Hardly a loss.

Life is tough, we have huricanes, tornados, etc. every year. This hurricane was much worse. True. But it is STILL not Tryin's job/responsiblity to take it on the chin.

She has TOLD her mother in law how she felt, and MIL CHOSE to keep ow in her home. Plain. Simple.

How can their be a true and loving family relationship when MIL does this?

Cut the MIL out of your life and move on.

"Once that MIL was made aware at how uncomfortable HER OWN FAMILY was with her choice..."

OC is MIL's "own family". I just think that there's no reason for everyone to be combatative about it. Why can't Tryin, H and MIL sit down and talk about it? Why should everything be responded to with throwing people out and cutting people off? Doesn't MIL have the right to voice her own thoughts and feelings? Tryin was wronged by her H, but why make MIL pay for that? It just adds to the pain of everyone concerned.

"But it is STILL not Tryin's job/responsiblity to take it on the chin."

Is it her MIL's responsibility to do whatever makes Tryin happy? Why should MIL be under orders to do whatever Tryin wants her to do? Wouldn't it make more sense to talk about it as a family and come to agreements that work for everyone? Isn't that what families DO?

Tryin is hurt by something her H and another person did. I can see how she needs to feel supported, but that support can't possibly come at the expense of innocent family members (MIL). If she wants her family to support her and help her marriage, I believe openly talking about these issues will get her so much farther than reacting in anger and cutting off anyone who doesn't do as she tells them to.

This topic is very complicated! However, one thing I haven't seen addressed, unless I missed it. It there and "exit strategy" for OW and her children? Is this short term or expected to be extended? Now that they are there, it makes a BIG difference in Tryin's ability to handle this.

If there is no plan in place, H should jump in and find them somewhere to go ASAP. This isn't throwing them out, it is helping them move on. They don't have the right to be there indefinately, even if MIL was kind enough to help them. I think it would be very hard for MIL to have turned them down under the circumstances. But H should have stepped in right away and found another alternative. But he didn't, so now the dilema.

As far as the holidays, YIKES! NO WAY could that be possible! All you OW, you are not part of the family! You were an interloper on the family, caused major damage and trauma (with H), and dropped an OC on your way through. OC may be part of the extended family, but you are not. And you don't deserve that either. Only OC, if the family wants it.

Tryin, find an exit strategy for OW and her kids. Then, there will need to be boundaries for the future. MIL's obligation is to Tryin and original family FIRST, then OC. Tryin's feelings should be first, not OW's. MIL has helped OW because she asked, I assume in desperation. Understandable, but now they need to move on.

I am praying for the best for you, Tryin.

The time for Tryin, H and MIL inlaw to talk was before MIL did this. And they have talked. Tryin said she had a calm conversation with MIL. So now what? Tryin should just take this? No way. She is owed an apology. Her mother in law KNOWS this is upsetting and still has ow in the house. THAT is clear cut and dry. The mother in law needs to learn what "consequences for your actions" means.

Exit strtategy is an excellent post. But really, it should be the ow doing this, afterall, when chose to have a child without a father, she takes the resposiblity to raise it. It is time for her to move on.

The MIL really owes the son and DIL a heartfelt apology, her actions were totally insensitive and disrespectful. ESPECIALLY KNOWING that they were upset.

There is never an excuse for irrational hurtfull behavior and Tryin has been through enough. It is cruel that her MIL can't see it.

taking it over to the other thread as it's better that way

Take it from someone who's been there when a MIL does something or goes against what the DIL or even her son has requested she DOESN'T do, Tryin' might never get that apology! My experience was that my FIL told my H that his mom (MIL) was wanting to tell the whole family about our whole situation, under the guise of "We need to pray for them"! What went on in our M was OUR business and if we wanted the rest of the family to know about it, we would have said something to them ourselves. My H specifically told FIL that he DIDN'T want any thing said to anyone at that time. I was still P with Abbi, and we already knew that we weren't going to do anything different as far as who was her "daddy"! Now, MIL took it upon herself to inform ALL of her side of the family, including H's brothers and their wives! We didn't talk to MIL for a VERY long time, but I have finally forgiven her for her hurtful behavior.

It's more hurtful to yourself to hold onto the hurt someone else visited upon you than to forgive them for hurting you. Does it still hurt to know that she had NO regard to what my H and I wished, yes. Is it hard to trust her with things that we want to keep quiet, for whatever reason, YES! Do I still love her because she is the mother of my H and the grandmother of my children, yes. She's done many things that I don't necessarily appreciate, but that's just the way that life is.

Now, I don't think that, with all the info about this situation, Tryin's MIL MEANT to hurt her, but was trying to help out. In my eyes, from what I've read, she DID talk to Tryin's H first, and he said that he didn't see a problem with the invitation to the OW and her children. I ALSO agree that there needs to be an exit plan, but I don't necessarily think that Tryin's H should be the one to find new lodging/home for the OW/OC. I do think that Tryin' wasn't considered, at least not fully at the time, when this decision was made, but that's in the past now. We need to look toward the future and how the current situation can be fixed from this point on.

Does anyone have any advice for Tryin' and her H to get OW and OC out of MIL's home and back on their own? Tryin', is there anyone who can offer help that isn't as involved in your family, and that doesn't need to know the story other than MIL opened her home to this woman and her children who were displaced from the hurricane? Is there a way to gently push MIL to look into other ways to help them out?

These are just a few of my ideas. Not sure if it was helpful, but I also wanted to share my own experience with a MIL who DIDN'T care what we wanted and did what she wanted and never offered even the smallest of apologies, even when I confronted her about it!

Hopefully things smooth out soon! I also agree with all the other's telling you you NEED to POJA with H about ALL of this!

See my above post same as above.

Well said Tigger.

Absolutly! I know in my state and I'm sure all the other states that are taking in the hurrican victums are being placed with housing assistance and money over the locals. Some locals in need are upset, but they do at least have places to stay right now. So I feel our state did the right thing by having this go in affect!

Once the ow is healed from her sickness and rested a bit she should have no problem going to the approiated places and getting housing and assistance right away. She should not have to be with MIL really that long.

"The mother in law needs to learn what "consequences for your actions" means. "

...because MIL is 5 years old?

I still don't understand why MIL should do only what works out best for Tryin's peace of mind. Aren't MIL's feelings as valid as Tryin's? MIL should be respectful of Tryin's feelings but Tryin doesn't have to be respectful of MIL's?? Why should MIL be ordered around like a child? That's insane, and I can't see how advocating that kind of anger, jealousy and bad feelings will help a family heal.

What seems healthier is to use this situation to make the family stronger and more understanding of what it will take to BE a supportive family unit. If MIL made a hurtful decision, this should be talked about as a family. Tryin' puts her feelings forward, H puts his forward, MIL puts hers forward and this is all discussed with the goal of making things better in the future. Not punishing people because they pissed you off, cutting off family members because they made a judgement call that upset you.


Some of the advice on here - the advice advocating anger and non-forgiveness - where will this leave Tryin'? With less support, with bitterness, with a H not allowed to talk to his mother? THIS will make their marriage stronger?

Yes, forgivness is vital in any/all relationshiops, which is why I clearly believe that the MIL owes Tryin an heartfelt apology. Again, Tryin has done nothing to hurt or harm anyone in this situation. She is not the one who created it.

As for her MIL, her feelings do count, but she does have to face consequences for her actions. If her actions are hurtfull to Tryin, why should Tryin just roll over and take it? Why not say "well, the heck with you?" Or is this another BW having to suck it all up to make those who hurt her feel better.

I believe in forgiveness, but I believe it is the MIL who needs to ask for it here.