True forgivness mean's letting go of any bitterness and resentment, otherwise the only one your hurting is yourself,and your marriage,& possibly more if you hold on to those things.
I do relize that we are all in different stages of recovery, and thought I would share this, In hopes of it helping others.

"If her actions are hurtfull to Tryin, why should Tryin just roll over and take it?"

I simply don't think it's a choice between rolling over and taking it OR cutting MIL off from her life. There are other options. Besides, by "roll over and take it" you make it sound like MIL did this to be deliberately hurtful. Tryin is not the only family member whose feelings need to be considered.

"Or is this another BW having to suck it all up to make those who hurt her feel better."

Where does that come from? That kind of bitterness is like cancer in a relationship and solves nothing. If MIL took those people in with the intention of hurting Tryin, then of course that's wrong and deserves an apology. If she took them in because she believed that the safety of this small child was important and wanted to help and in the process hurt the feelings of her DIL, then I don't think "asking for forgiveness" has anything to do with it.

I honestly believe that family is so important in these situations and if there's any way to be open and honest and with the goal of having more understanding within the family, then that should be attempted before cutting entire lines of the family off because they didn't do what they were told.

Why keep saying MIL should face consequences for her actions as if she broke a law, or committed a sin? Tryin was wronged by her H and the OW, but that doesn't mean that the rest of the family should do whatever she wants to make her world better.

But I do believe it means that the family should be aware and sensitive to things that would be hurtful to Tryin and her marriage, and I think this situation could be used to open that kind of communication up. Maybe MIL would end up with more understanding and the next time something like this came up, she would still help the OC, but in a way that wasn't hurtful to Tryin. Maybe H would see that he needed to be more proactive and next time would handle things differently. But by demanding an apology or cutting someone off, they'll never get that chance. And that would just be another tragedy.

Easy Lynn, you have a few Bw's here that have contact by choice and your words can be very hurtful to those that do.

I think your starting to show some true feelings about how you feel about the bw's that do have contact. It's funny how our anger can get the best of us sometimes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I think the whole point has been lost and we haven't EVEN seen Tryin lately??? And to be truthful in the way I've read this is MIL called H before hand, H said didn't care, MIL invites OW and grandchild to stay, she has no where else to go. Tryin finds out is up set feelings hurt. MIL choses OW over her (maybe kind of feeling) Now MIL is surpose to "get rid" of the child and OW. Easier said than done. ANd Trying shouldn't speak to MIL UNLESS she gets an heartfelt "I'm sorry" because H didn't speak up in the first place??? ANd all the while Hubby is in the corner going "don't want to be in the middle"???? Sorry, Lynn you if anyone advised me on being strong for ME. Tryin, shouldn't just lay down and take people walking on her. But if anyone did, its the H. HE should have KNOWN how she feels and would react to this. If they are working on their M and working on the total honesty and POJA then he should have known. I'm sure the MIL with the "don't care attitude from her son" felt she was doing a great thing extending her home to someone who needed it. A family works at being a team but when the players don't know what the others are doing its hard. From what I gathered trying was incouraging C? H really doesn't want it? MIL might have known that, we don't know MIL is not here. Maybe tryin can clear that up?? But the most important thing to the NC/C or what ever is a POJA and the honesty thing. Thats where all of the "break downs happen by not having one. So I hope tryin and H and family are working at getting there.
Sunny D

I have always supported any BW in what SHE choses as what is best for her, her marriage and her family. I do have lots of concern for those who feel forced to have contact with oc to appease their husbands. Same as when I tell them that they can't force their husbands not to have contact. I have always clearly stated that it has to be a joint decision or it will all implode later. And we have had that discussion many times. As long as the decision, whatever it may be, is done by both people in the marriage, with honest dialog, I have always supported that.

As for Tryin. I feel for her. She is in a horrible situation. They had the affair to deal with, the oc too. They move away, and now this. Suddenly the ow is back in her life. And they had moved away, for whatever reason, but the ow was out of her life. Now she has her mother in law housing them and her husband didn't even run it by her. And she feels conflicted over the whole situation. I feel for her.

It is with those conditions that I feel this MIL is out of line. She KNOWS it is hurting her daughter in law. How on earth is this woman supposed to feel? She has clearly stated that she understands the hurricane, yet she was reaching out for help with her situation, as it is today, on a site that is about Marriage Building. And she gets lectured by an ow?

As I see it, and have said before, her husband is at fault first, then the MIL. I believe he has realized the error of his actions, but even though he doesn't want to be in the middle, he is, so he should stand by his wife. Lets say for the sake of the discussion that ow finds suitable housing and moves out. MIL invites everyone over to the house for Sunday Dinner. Then what? Should Tryin go and fake all lovey dovey? Play happy family? Just bury it?
Or would she be out of line saying something like "your bringing that woman into your home was really upsetting to me, I felt betrayed all over again and it hurt me, I confided in you my hurt and anguish over that situation and you disregarded me, and now, due to your actions, you are helping to relocate this woman who has (along with H) caused me so much grief right into our neighborhood, and have the church community involved,all without ever considering how this makes me feel. I really feel you need to understand if I don't feel like coming to dinner with you. I am hurting, and feel conflicted because of this all, I would prefer to spend my free time with people who can support and understand me and respect my feelings pertaining to my husbands affair and the result of a child."

This situation is tragic all around, and it again, as it does so often point out the damage affairs cause people. Tryin is not the one who has caused all this drama and pain. She is a victim of two selfish people. She has endured alot and has a right to be upset with her MIL.

I am so thankfull that my in laws agreed with us from the get go and saw the situation for what it was. They have agreed and supported us through no contact with the oc. That was our choice and we held firm to it. Just like those who have contact need to stick firm to certain things....Sunny for example.

But this couple was not at the point of having contact, beyond a phone call and suddenly they just thrust this into Tryins lap? Without so much as a discussion with her? And her being upset is pooh poohed, and she is called selfish when all she did was want to chat to sort her feelings out, about the situation, about her MIL.

Go back and read her original post. In the end she says "what about me" My heart broke for her. Can't anyone else see how hard this is on her? How she sees the need, but how much it is hurting her?

It angers me that some have called her selfish and that the only concern should be the needs of the ow/oc and use the Hurricane as a bully pulpit to disregard a womans feelings. How she can be called names and forced to defend herself, when all she has done is try to heal her marriage in the way that worked best for her.

I guess I should respond to some of these previous posts:

First and foremost: LynnG-THANK YOU!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I feel as though I have somehow gotten lost in the debate. I hope I can answer some of your questions:

1. We had visitation for the first year of oc's life. However, exow had second thoughts, moved without telling us where she went, and refused to allow H and I to see oc anymore once we located her.

2. Within about a year of that we moved from Louisiana to Las Vegas. This was a POJA decision and H attempted to maintain phone contact since then. Exow will every 3-4 months send H cards, she once sent a 14 page letter indicating how wrong I was for my H and so much more that I just don't want to rehash it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

3. Exow goes through cycles, pretty sure she is bipolar, where she does not speak nor correspond with H for months, but H is able to talk to oc on phone. This was going well for the last 6 months until about a week before the hurricane. She decided to speak to H on telephone and began her usual tirades including demeaning me, my marriage, and my ability to help raise her child. Which never really happened since he was 1 year old. She said some pretty nasty accusations about my relationship during that year with her son...what's new, right?

4. Hurricane hit and you know the rest.

5. I am NOT going to cut my MIL out of my life. She didn't do this on purpose to hurt me. Like her son (my H) she is one of the most generous self centered people I know. It is just very difficult to get my point of view across. After my initial statements about my concerns, she later asked my H if we were mad about the amount of $$ she sent to TX for exow and oc in the days just following the disaster! She totally misunderstood what I was so upset about. I could care less if she sent my H inheritance to them. Just don't take them into your home!

6.Exow and her children are moving into a home on the 1st of October. The church is paying for their housing for the first year. Her sons, including oc, are attending the church's school tuition free and the oldest has already joined the football team. I absolutely, positively, wish the children the best. Exow, however, is another story.

7. I cannot continue to be civil to a woman who no matter how civil, agreeable, accommodating, and understanding I am, continues to ****** slap me at every turn! I have dealt with this for 5 years!!!! I am done with her. I will not tolerate HER interference into my life any more.

8.My H and I have talked at length. He has apologized profusely for not thinking the MIL, exow, situation through and not realizing how hurt I would be. He has spoken to his mother without my encouragement. One statement he made to her was that he is more than capable of screwing things up with me on his own, and he doesn't need her help!

9. I do come check responses every day. I appreciate most thoughts that are expressed and frankly LynnG, I may copy what you wrote to better express it to my MIL.

10. I am feel just as betrayed by my church. I am planning on talking with our pastor when I visit CA in October or so. You want to talk about a group of people who disregarded me...I didn't even get the T shirt! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Hope this clears some things up. Still Tryin!

Trying I am sorry. I know that not all ow's are like her and she has done some pretty crappy things to say the least to you. As I stated before, you showed compassion even towards the ow about her stitch.

I'm assuming that your a member of a church in CA., but live in Vegas? Wow we do have some things in common.

Has your husband ever legalized anything? I can't imagine a Judge allowing her behavior like this if it was legalized. Look at someone else I think lizbeth they have oc now because ow left although it's not over, things don't go by the waste side when things are legalized.

I truely hope (and I mean this) that you and husband can heal and go on in life in peace and things start to stablize for you guys.

Honestly, who cares? Many are. Some aren't. Some were but now aren't. Some weren't but might be later.

Defending group-character of "not all OW's are like her " seems so .... pointless on a marriage building site. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

What is important to THIS MB POSTER DEFENDING HER MARRIAGE is not the character ( or lack thereof ) of any other OW except THIS one!

THIS OW has NO GOOD CHARACTER REFERENCES HERE ON MARRIAGE BUILDERS.

and that's what matters!

Thank you Pepperband!!!!

You are welcome Mrs Tryin

It seems you have done exceedingly well recovering your marriage relationship.

Of course there will always be snags along the way, but if you apply what you have learned, and stick together with your husband as a team ... you'll be just great !!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I find that in the aftermath of an affair, the marriage that grasps the team approach does the best.

Blessings for your continued recovery.

Please see my post on Jenny's discussion about visitation for an update. The saga continues.

Tryin