I know before I start this email that it is statistically bad to date anyone newly divorced. So I know I am statistically not the lucky one or the different one. But I have questions if anyone has ever been truly successful at this. I met someone who is a friend of a friend. He was divorced in June. He was not a Christian and became a Christian during the divorce process. He has an obviously big heart, and is very considerate and kind. His wife chose to go out of town with another man instead of work on the marriage, and when he became a Christian she thought he had lost it. We have been out a few times and I do like him, I just don't want to get burned in the whole newly divorced thing. I met a few of his friends and they were great, we got along well and they commented that I was really nice and could tell I was a woman of faith and fun to be around as well, and told him they knew he wasn't used to that (they say his wife was mean). Question is, has anyone had a successful relationship with a newly divorced, and besides taking things slowly, any advice? (I have been divorced since March 03, although it has been a long difficult process for me to get past) My sig also says I am holding off on dating, because I was, and didn't intend to meet this person. Another reason I am fearful but don't want to close a door unless absolutely necessary.

There are too many variables that you don't mention. For example, I've only been divorced for less than a year (december 17th will finally make it a full year), but I had been going through the D process for over TWO YEARS before it became finalized (here in Ontario, the least amount of time before you can get it finalized is one year, starting on the day of separation). And prior to that, I had about 2 1/2 yrs of MBing.

So looking at all of MY experience, I've had over 5 yrs of healing experiences, yet have only been D'd for less than one year.

How is it with this new man in your life? As you know from your time here, some people are able to heal faster than others, but some of those "timelines" really can't be measured in months or years, but personal growth.

My suggestion is to go with your gut instincts on this one, based on your own personal MB knowledge and experiences. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Karen

Thanks Topie. Ok, for the variables - he was married a little over a year, separated in March (less than a year into the marriage), divorced in June. From what he and others who were with them both say, they were both miserable most of the marriage. I say the part about the Christianity because his life changed through that, and he wanted his marriage to change but she didn't. He has mentors in his life to help him through. My gut tells me that I need to take it slow, but I hate to completely let it go just because of a time frame.

I've recently became divorced in March 05, been seperated since August 04. I'm currently dating a lady for approx. 1 month. I thought that I was okay to handle a new relationship after that period of time, but I seem to have so many conflicted feelings. People who know me, see me as a confident and caring individual, yet internally, I'm having many difficult moments. It's very strange, I seem to have great feeling for this new SO, yet there are times where I feel things are going too quickly and all I want to do is be alone. I don't know wheter this will help you any, but I like to give you some warning that in these types of new beginnings, they have much more to overcome. There are parts of me that have not completely healed from the effect of my divorce, so she'll have to be patient with me. It's not easy, and I have to be honest with you. I believe that my SO is much more inclined to have more attachment to me, than me to her. To describe my internal feeling, I would say that once out of my marriage, I felt I had a deep desire for companionship. Once involved in a new relationship, I feel fear from fresh memories of my collapsed former marriage.

Tread with caution and take things very slowly. I wish you well.

Seoulman

Thanks for your input Seoulman. I am sorry you are having a hard time. Your advice helps me to know that I need to let him taking complete initiative, which I have been doing. I don't want to get too far in and become the pursuer or the one who cares more for someone who isn't ready.Have you talked to your SO about this? This person has made it clear that he does not want to be married again anytime soon to anyone (just in passing conversation- not as a discussion between us or about us), but does want companionship. I think it does take time to heal and don't want to rush things.

I think the key is to NOT rush into any judgement. Don't be quick to assume this is THE relationship of your life and make commitments you won't able to keep. But, also, don't rush to judge him when a divorce related issue pops up, which they will. Instead, give him some space to work on it and see how he does. A man who can handle the recently divorced life well and overcome the problems it throws at him, is a man worth considering for an LTR, all things being equal.

I haven't had the experience of dating someone who was recently divorced.

But I've been the "recently divorced" in question. (Well, sort of...) I had someone who became more than a friend after my XW and I had been separated for about 10 months. Admittedly, I wasn't divorced, and I can tell you that fact negatively impacted our relationship. (The fact that she had some emotional issues didn't help much.....)

But I was untrusting, and not wanting to get to emotionally involved at all at that point. It seemed like she really liked me, and she tried to push the relationship farther and faster than I wanted it to go. All that said, the relationship would not have been successful at any point.

Post D? Well honestly, I haven't had the opportunity..... Shortly after the D? Nah... I still had (and have, honestly) some SERIOUS trust issues. But as each day goes by, I am closer to being able to trust again, and to one day, hopefully love again. I do feel that I could be in a successful relationship now. 6 months post D, almost 2 years separated.

But that's me, and that's based on my personal experiences. Just be open and honest with him about it, and do the best to see if he is as well.

And take your time.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


Ethan

Adgirl48 ~ I can truly empathize with you in this. I too have found a great person who is freshly divorced. She also lost a child to miscarriage and husband to his affair. So her trauma cup is fulL!! I have a real challenge on my hands....

Here's what I'm learning & have experienced:

1. There's just NO SHORTCUTS out there for anyone. Yes, some heal faster than others for sure, but EVERYONE has to go through a healing process. No exceptions.

2. The only hope any of these types of relationships can ever have if you very, very carefully & intentionally lay down the boundaries for what's acceptable & what's not -- early on. You have to literally surface all these same issues & traps in conversation with the person. You have to specify that you two MUST be completely open & honest about what is going on inside - even if it hurts the other person and/or it isn't very conducive to a romance.

3. Personally, I would advise staying away from any sort of deeper romance at this time with the person. Plenty of time later on for that. Now just concentrate on friendship. Concentrate on learning. Growing. Recovery. Healing. Companionship. Doing important things togther that make the world a better place. You cannot go wrong here. Folks go wrong by becoming romantic early. Then getting the physical thing going. That's a death-knell to true intimacy & lasting relationship. So specifically make that off-limits -- out of bounds for your relationship right now. Everyone's too vulnerable if you don't.

Keep your prayer life very active. Seek balancing counsel from those with great spiritual depth. This man is a new-born Christian. He has a lot of growing to do. Maturing. Give him space & time. You will never be sorry doing it this way.

Above all...guard your heart!
High Flight

Adgirl,

From my learning and development of relationships as a man, I've learned to succeed by not showing my weaknesses. Maybe it's a cultural thing as well, yet I have a difficult time expressing to my S.O. all my conflicted feelings. For one, I don't believe I should burden her with them (at this point, since this relationship is so new), and it goes against all that I've learned about being a man.

I'm sure most will disagree with my POV. In the initial stages of dating, we all tend to hide our issues. At what point we feel comfortable with expressing them tends to depend on how strong our bonds have developed. I have honestly answered all her questions yet her need to know how deeply I'm invovled with her, has posed for some difficult situations. People like to feel confident with their level of affection toward each other, and I have tried to reassure her that I do care. To state that I'm having certain internal conflicts with myself and our relationship would probably provide a deep degree of pain to her and our budding relationship. I am certain this isn't fair. To my own credit, I have waited almost a year before even attempting to date. I was confident of my abilities to carry a healthy relationship, but you never know until you try.

Hope this helps

Seoulman

I personally have had two experiences with dating shortly after divorce. The first was when I was just divorced. She was from Canada and the long distance thing got to be too hard. I almost jumped into a permanent relationship with her, but I am very glad (and sometimes regret) that I didn't.

Secondly, I recently was in a relationship with someone recently divorced. We rushed it and she developed a severe case of cold feet.

So, personally, I haven't had much luck.

Now, my sister on the other hand did alright. She dated and soon married a man who is 17 years her senior, who had just recently divorced his wife of 20+ years. They've made it work and even had a set of twins when he turned 52.

My advice is to just echo what has already been said. Take it slow and don't make any permanent commitments.

Make yourself a list of the things divorced people must do to be able to move onto a healthy relationship. See how many of the question you can answer now, yourself. Others might take more time & getting to know this person better.

Good luck. How nice you've found someone you want to share yourself with.

Thanks for all the input. IRL, I actually know 2 couples who are married doing well by everything I can tell even though one was recently divorced when they began dating, and I know 1 couple who is actually divorced because the girl didn't take long enough to heal, and 1 couple who is still married but they don't have the wonderful marriage I would want (my mother and her husband). Hence, the reason I am torn to even get involved at all, on any level. But I try to individualize my experiences and not live in complete fear of opening my mind or heart to someone. At the same time, you want to learn from other people's mistakes so you don't make the same ones =). SO I will take the input you have given me of treading cautiously and lightly and having fun and guardiing my heart. I have not done well at that before. The list idea is good too, I will think about that and try to make one this week. I travel for work a lot, so it's also hard because I can see him, and then not see him for days, and then see him, and not see him- it's almost like a long distance relationship if I ever date anyone, because of my schedule.

I'm seeing red flags all over here. He may be a great guy -- hey, great guys get divorced too. BUT, he just divorced in June. The "became a Christian during the divorce" part really concerns me. One doesn't suddenly become a Christian, not a true one anyway, since matters of faith require careful consideration and true faith develops over time. I have a sister who has made a career out of marrying and divorcing men. After each break-up, she finds Jesus, but never for long. Actually, this is rather common.

The divorce rate of second marriages is higher than for first marriages. The sooner people start seeking a new mate, the higher the divorce rate. It's a dangerous game.

I wish you well, Adgirl, hope you been the odds. BTW, have you fixed your picker yet and completed your self-exploration? Just trying to keep you honest with yourself.

(((Adgirl)))

“””I know 1 couple who is actually divorced because the girl didn't take long enough to heal”””

I truly believe that is more common than we might think and contributes greatly to the statistical nightmare of second marriages. Most studies I’ve read contribute second marriage failures to step children and finances but I truly think that to a great extent that those are just the mediums that the lack of healing channel through.

“””Hence, the reason I am torn to even get involved at all, on any level. But I try to individualize my experiences and not live in complete fear of opening my mind or heart to someone.”””

While I totally relate to and understand your fear, I also believe that you are then reduced to three choices:

1. NEVER date
2. Date whoever
3. Create the best possible environment for a healthy relationship.

IMHO, #3 is the best option. Look at all the BS’s here and look at the emotional processes they’ve went through. Your new friend has to go through all of those. If he chooses to mask them and never truly grieve, he will never heal, and there will always be a string holding him back from a wonderful relationship. That all being said, do I think it’s possible for you and him to have a great relationship, YES I do. BUT for that to happen you are going to have to have strict boundaries in place that allow for his healing. In total honesty let me say that once you two hop on the good foot and do the bad thing, his “natural” healing STOPS and that is where he’ll stay unless at some point he chooses to continue the healing process. Which while he perceives happiness with someone, his motivation to heal is diminished. But it truly only will be perceived and will show itself.


“””SO I will take the input you have given me of treading cautiously and lightly and having fun and guarding my heart. I have not done well at that before.”””

Seriously, does that sound logical? Can you truly do that? I can’t. I know I can’t nor would I particularly want to.

Check UR Heart,
I disagree about becoming a Christian. You can become a Christian the day you believe in Jesus as your Lord and Savior. Then that relationship and faith develops over time. And for him, it was and has been a process. Speaking with pastors/mentors/friends, etc. I believe you CAN be transformed instantly but it is a growth process as well.

And thank you, yes, I acknowledged earlier about my "picker" signature. That is why I am proceeding cautiously. I never said I was sure he was "the one" or anything. I simply was asking if dating him was always a bad thing- seeing the statistics.

Bill, You said "In total honesty let me say that once you two hop on the good foot and do the bad thing, his “natural” healing STOPS and that is where he’ll stay unless at some point he chooses to continue the healing process. Which while he perceives happiness with someone, his motivation to heal is diminished. But it truly only will be perceived and will show itself."

As far as the good foot bad foot analogy I am not sure what you mean. Are you talking about sex? Excuse me for being naive. haha. If so, I am not going to have sex with him. For the rest, yes I want to make sure I don't diminish his recovery and then get caught in the crossfire.

As far as guarding my heart, treading lightly, having fun, I do think it's important to guard my heart. I have been burned by rushing things. When you said you couldn't do that, what did you mean? I don't mean to sound like I am being flippant- as in, oh I will just go out on dates and not care about him or where it goes- I just mean, I won't fall in love and plan the wedding anytime soon!

Good stuff, LH. Awhile back I read a study that suggests that children and finances are not the main contributing factor in the high failure rate of second marriages. The average divorced American remarries at 2.5 years after their divorce. The study correlated failure rates with time elapsed since the divorce. The longer someone has been divorced before remarrying, the lower the second divorce rate. In this study, those who remarry within one year of a divorce have a +/-90% chance of the second marriage failing. The only possible reason for this is that they have not healed from their first failed marriage and carry all that baggage into the second.

I have written this before and will repeat it here. The biggest danger of dating someone fresh out of a divorce is that they are unwittingly using you as a part of their healing process. As they progress through it, you become associated with that past pain and as they let that go, they will naturally have to let you go as well. This isn't etched in stone, and if the relationship is paced properly, with the boundries LH speaks of, a couple can come out the other side and take the relationship to the next level. So your caution is wise, Adgirl.

I have to bow out for a while, but hopefully I can come back this afternoon and expand on what I was saying and answer the questions you had AdGirl......

When you figure out how to do this, please let me know. Cause I haven't been able to figure out how.

My experience is, feelings aren't something you can control. They just are. All I can control are the situations and interactions that can possibly influence those feelings.

If you really like this guy, its going to be very difficult (if not impossible) to prevent your feelings from progressing. And that's where the problem really lies.

Yeah, it's ok to date someone who's newly divorced. But how do you stop yourself from developing feelings for "a really great guy"? I don't know how this is done. Believe me, if I knew how, my life would be much simpler.

Adgirl, I do not deny that what you say is true. Surely, people of stong faith, whether they be Christian, Jewish, Muslim or some other religion, can find strength and spiritual comfort in times of trouble. A community of the faithful can be an excellent support system. But suddenly turning to religion at the time of divorce is a bit like putting the cart in front of the horse. The development of true faith requires that the individual concentrate on things outside of this world. It isn't likely that one can do this effectively while reeling from a divorce. They need to get past that first and then turn to considerations of faith so that they do it the right way. If we can agree that trying to foster a relationship with another human being too soon after a divorce is not going to have the outcome we expect, I think it should be easy for us to agree that one certainly shouldn't attempt to do so with God. This isn't to say that one cannot begin that journey, but they need to proceed cautiously. The problem is that many people turn to religion, not because they truly believe, but because they are looking for an escape route, thinking that God is going to make it all magically better. Yet, because they are not astute in matters of faith and don't already know how to draw strength and comfort from it, they fail. As I said, this is very common and ministers are trained to guide these people and slow them down - to make them understand that there is no magic and that a lot of work is required.