Everyone that has followed my story of my husbands emotional affair with the activities director at his mother's assisted living facility, should be interested in what just happened.
Yesterday was supposed to be o/w's day off, husband showed up and saw o/w car and just went to his mother's room and waited for o/w to go home. I showed up and saw o/w at the facility, but didn't say anything to w/h, I could tell he was waiting for the explosion, but I kept it under wraps because he kept to his mom's room, and I just couldn't stand another scene.
I instead decided that I would go today and ask o/w what her schedule is so that we could work it out that my husband would come when she wasn't there.
I knocked on her office door before she was about to get off work, and asked her for a minute. I asked if she could tell me her schedule, so that my husband could plan accordingly. She got very defensive and told me that it doesn't matter, she stays at this end of the facility and mil was going to be moving soon anyway. I then told her I didn't appreciate her leaving pictures of mil and husband that she took with her camera and wrote a note to my husband on the back of one. I told her how important n/c is and tried to explain that this is the way to healing according to Dr. Harley. She told me she didn't want to know anything at all about our business, she wanted to have nothing to do with either one of us, and our marriage was our business, then she went on to say she didn't want me to be in her office and I was intruding. I said, like you intruded on my marriage. I never invited you into my marriage, you put yourself there. Furthermore what you did with my husband was unethical and illegal. She of course denied that anything ethical or illegal had happened. About that time the receptionist came in and said we were getting a little loud and needed to stop, I told the receptionist that the o/w had stepped over boundries and had been having an emotional affair with my husband. I then went on to say that o/w had called my home phone the night I had gone out of town for a week. She had called at 11:35 at night. The receptionist said the best way to settle this was to talk to the administrator in the morning. I left and went back to the dining room to finish helping my mil finish dinner and then after escorting her back to her room went home. What really chaffs my hide is the fact that o/w has picture of my mil and o/w together on her desk in a beautiful leather frame. My mil is the only picture on her desk in a frame. O/W has plenty of snapshots of other residents on her bullitin board, but none on her desk in a frame. I pointed this out to the o/w and said I didn't appreciate that and it was in poor taste. I know she has been using my mil to get to my husband. Fuming............. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />
Now, if o/w contacts husband, husband will be extremely angry at me, he still buys into her innocent act, well I saw her true side today and let's just put it this way, she should have been riding a broomstick. I went in there not intending to have an arguement, but her being so rude and insulting, I couldn't help but get mad. She did not want to help at all to prevent my husband from seeing her. I am so glad the receptionist stepped in, because it was getting heated on both sides. I wish my husband could see the witches other side of her face. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />
Unfortunately, husband will side with her, I know. I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall.

Hi, khb.

I hate to sound like a broken record, but you really must expose, especially now that you are going to get painted as a looney tune by other woman tomorrow morning in the administrators office, where you won't be present or represented.

You can change that.

All the best,
Gimble

Well the administrator needs to hear about it now. The OW c/b playing 'mind games'..... you know how those creature like to tinker. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Now pull yourself together and get calm. Go visit the admin and pass info so that this kind of stuff does not happen again. While it can't fix your sitch (since it already happened), maybe the admin can be proactive with future encounters. I think if you present it as an FYI instead of accusatory, it will be better received. Your MIL is moving anyway.....so your sitch is a temp inconvenience.

JMHO,
L.

Guess what else? If H gets mad at you for your altercation with his worthless hag, you'll know that NC has been broken. Good thing his mom doesn't have much short term memory, or I'd worry that MIL was getting poisoned, too. You MUST tell the head administrator about this! Who knows how many other vulnerable sons she will use to bolster her own low self esteem.

The OW is lucky have you on her side. I am sure she appreciates your help in hiding her dirty little secret so she can keep her job and be free to exploit other married men. Maybe she can find a new married man to screw. Frankly, she can put whatever pictures she wants on her desk. Who is going to stop her?

"evil thrives when good men stand silent....."

What really sucks, is the fact that mil loves o/w and talks about her all the time. I have to nod my head and be pleasant about her, when all I want to do is tell my mil what the two of them have been doing behind my back for the past few months or year??? That is not going to happen though.
I have thought about going in today and talking to administrator, the only kink in that plan is that my husband plans on going to the board of directors about his concern over the fact that my mil was not getting the service she had been paying for the last year and half. She has been on highest tier for over a year, but the working staff thought she was on level two and had been providing service at that level. He has asked them to document every time they take my mil to the bathroom, and half the time they don't do it, making it uncertain if they prompted her or forgot about her. He has spent half the day in his mother's room before and they don't come in to check on her. This really upsets him. So he will be takng these concerns to the board.
So you can see how my position is going to be difficult, going to the administrator with this problem when w/h is planning to take his concerns to the board. It might get a little sticky.

Hi kd~

My H and I have been following your thread a bit...anyway, my mother is the Director of Admissions at an Assisted Living Facility, and when I spoke to her regarding your situation, not only was she mortified, but she said to DEFINITELY advise you to REPORT her IMMEDIATELY!!! If you need all the reasons why, I will have to call my mom and have her refresh me, but there are many ramifications to what the activities director has done that could, include but are not limited to, the sanctioning of the facility by the State etc...(they really must be made aware...think of it as your civic duty, at the very least) Anyway, just thought you might like to have the point of view from someone within in the profession...

Our thoughts and prayers are with you...

Mrs. Wondering

kds, I don't see your position as difficult at all. Your H can still complain away. There is nothing stopping him. The OW should not be protected from this affair. What she did was highly unethical and leaves the NH open to lawsuits.

My sister is the CFO of a nursing home chain and she is horrified that you won't report this because of the potential legal harm your secrecy is causing. Believe me, the NH NEEDS to know so they can protect themselves from this employee.

Listen to the receptionist...they often have an EXCELLENT view of the big picture and the appropriate ways to handle a situation.

PLEASE talk to the Administrator TODAY! And talk with your MIL also, explain that you are not as fond of o/w as she is because she was a little too friendly with her son, and he back...she will understand...

Why are you protecting o/w? Why are you keeping this secret? This will come back to bite you later if no exposure happens today. I can see it happening, the next run in you have with the o/w and she has you removed and banned from the facility, and the next. And maybe this isn't the only resident and 'family' she has gotten close to...maybe this is her pattern, you want to help her break up other families?

And what really burns me up is the o/w script...your M is YOUR business...grrrrrr, a love triangle takes 3, they promptly plopped their fanny in your M, but you are expected to pick up the pieces and they take NO responsibility for it...whatever...

Dear Melody and Mrs. Wonderings,
Can any of you recite the actual law or laws that prohibit this kind of thing. I will be taken more seriously if I actually am able to recite the rules or laws. This administrator is known to sweep certain things under the carpet. For one, my husband was in his mother's room when the cna came in to give mil her pills. My husband said, I'll give them to her, and immediately noticed that these were not her pills. If he had not been there she would have been given someone elses pills and might have been seriously affected. I understand they are supposed to document these things. The administrator was notified but my husband is unclear whether they did the proper documentation, showing their error.
What a mess. If this is not complicated enough, I found out that the o/w has worked for the new facility my mil is going to and is good friends with the activity director there. My husband says that both facilities join together for certain activities and outings at times. So this means my husband, who enjoys doing going on outings with his mother, will either have to find out if they are joint sessions or will have an akward moment of having to back out if he finds that o/w is there with her group. Than there is also that risk that he will go on the outing and risk having contact with o/w because he has already made obligation to help with outing. Not the outcome I want. My husband tells me that we live in a small town, and there is always going to be that chance of contact.

kds, I am confused. What difference does it make what laws or rules she has broken? It will be up to the administrator to determine that according to their own policy and state laws. You know that the nursing home won't want their activities director having affairs with the patient's children.

This is only complicated if you continue to hide her secret for her. It will be like the gift that just keeps on giving unless you do something to stop her.

If you don't do something now, you will pay dearly in the future for your inaction. Might as well get the pain over with now, than have to endure this for several more years.

kds, her attitude towards you and your marriage shows what you are in for if you continue to hide her dirty secret for her. She is now emboldened in her victimization of you. Do you see that? I suspect that your H has assured her that you won't out her and her secret is safe with you, so she feels quite emboldened. She is not a bit remorseful and feels perfectly safe in treating you, her victim, like trash, because she knows you won't lift a finger to defend yourself.

She can do whatever she wants to you. Do you realize that? She has no fear of you because she knows you are fearful and you will take it. That tells me that she feels quite safe in resuming the affair if the opportunity presents itself. Who will stop her?

If you decide to do the right thing and expose her, kds, I would go all the way and expose to her H also. The OW and her boyfriend will be furious anyway, might as well get your money's worth and go for the gold.

Melody, this is not a skilled nursing facility, this is assisted-living where most of their clients are able to take care of their basic needs themselves but need just a little bit of help. Knowing the laws or ethical rules, helps me drive home the point to o/w. O/W denies that she has done anything unethical or that any laws or rules have been broken. During this part of or conversation, we both became loud and upset. I think after my mil's dr. appointment today I will drop in on the administrator and do a little damage control. I will take Orchids suggestion to give a fyi speech instead of an accusetory one, and try to keep the meeting on a proffessional basis, and not allow my feelings to cloud it.
O/W is good to the residents. They love her. I don't want to see o/w fired, but I do think she needs to be reminded to draw her boundries with patients and their families. She had no problem drawing her boundries with me in her office, too bad she didn't have the same courtesy to do that when my husband and her relationship stepped over the line of what is considered ethical and proper.
Does anybody remember the video that Reba McIntire did where in the end the o/w was on a boat that exploded? Loved it. Totally loved it. Would love to see o/w on that boat. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

kds, we are suggesting that you take this to the administrator, it doesn't matter if the OW denies she did something unethical or illegal. That is not up to her to determine. Let her boss do the driving home, that is not your job.


Does this mean you will tell her the truth about the OW? Did you see what I said about letting OW's other victim, her H, know about the affair? He does need to know so that he can protect himself and his children, if any, from her.

Might as well get your money's worth, kds.

Mel <--- has been reading Pep's mind !!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

KDS - before you go in, you should consider outlining everything in a letter. This is good for at least two reasons: 1. It will help you keep your train of thought when under the gun. You can just go down the list. 2. It becomes real documentation, with a date on it, that you can forward to the owner of the facility, if the administrator does not respond to you. I guess a third is that the administrator might actually realize #2, making it a real issue that they can not ignore.

Just my $.02

far

Damn it kds do something now!!

You're killing us!!

Go get 'em!!

kds -

Tell the administrator you would like to receive a copy of OW's work schedule from now on so WH can avoid seeing her. This accomplishes a couple of things 1. in the future you won't have to ask OW for it herself 2. administrator will see another point to your visit in addition to exposing OW. And, she'll know you're serious about what you view the facility's responsibility is in keeping OW away from WH.

I know you must be afraid that WH will get angry when he finds out. He will get over it and eventually come to see that you did the right thing. I think you can soften the blow if you tell him yourself what you have done after you talk to the administrator.

Best of luck with whatever you decide you need to do.

kd~

While I truly agree with Melody that you don't need state laws or codes to "back up" your reasons for exposing the OW at work, if that is what it takes to get you to do the right thing here, then so be it...

I called my mom at work and spoke with their Human Resources Director...her advice is to first go to the Administrator(we already knew that though, didn't we?). If that gets no result, then you would call the State Department of Human Resources and ask to speak with the Omsbudsman there...they will do what is necessary. You could also use this information to let the administrator know what will happen if no disciplinary action is taken.

This activities director does NEED to be fired, even though you say that you don't want her to be...she is a HUGE liability to all people associated with that Assisted Living Facility...be they staff, resident or family!


kd, the above "chain of command" is the way things of this nature work in the state of Georgia, obviously, I'm not sure of your state, hopefully this will give a place to begin your VERY NECESSARY quest...please follow through...leave no stone unturned or you will one day have deep regrets...

Good Luck and Godspeed...

Mrs. Wondering