I'm new here, so bear with me when I don't use all of your abbreviations. I will try to be brief and use as many bullet points as possible.

*Married the nicest man I ever met after 8 months in 8/03. He is very kind, affectionate, generous, attentive, supportive emotionally and financially. Our families become close and we have our holidays together as one big family.

*We try right away for a baby, waiting almost two years.

*He supports my move from retail to real estate knowing that it could be a while before we have a regular income.

*5/05-find out we are pregnant, very excited, very much in love.

*07/07/05-I come home to a man furious over laundry. I ignore it, hurt because he feels I don't do enough. Sure I'm overreacting because I'm pregnant.

*07/08/05- I approach him about what is wrong and he gives me a list of things I am not doing right as a wife: laundry, dishes, not making enough money. We have a big fight and talk about separating, which he says is just running from the problem. This is our first big fight. I wonder if he's suffering from depression and want to help.

*07/09/05- We make up and make love for the last time.

*07/11/05- I am suspicious about one of his employees and his time spent online. I check his email to find he has been spending time with her and her 4 kids. She is married. I confront him about our previous fight and ask if someone is taking his attention away. Maybe she is getting his signals mixed up. I allow him to say she is the one who is wrapped up, not him. Our fight becomes bigger as he says I am accusing him of cheating. I do NOT mention the email. He also refuses counseling because he "doesn't need it".

* I continue to monitor his email and try to ask questions. He doesn't seem to understand why I know certain things. He also comes home from work around 5 but I find out he's been getting off at 2. Her husband is a truck driver, only home on the weekends allowing her playtime during the week. She has the best of both worlds.

* 7/26/05 His birthday, he will not allow me to spend it with him. I give him a condom and tell him he better wrap it up because when he comes back to reality, I don't want to catch anything. Still denies the affair, but the email are too convincing. I approach his boss about the affair asking for her to be switched to a different team. He is aware of the affair and will discuss it with H. They are county employees.

* I read an email exchange where they BOTH admit they love each other. He had been saying it but she wasn't. The emails become more sexually explicit with each one. I call her and him both, and they deny completely.

* I approach him about the email and he claims he has done nothing wrong and that he is not sleeping with her. Claims he wants a divorce because I don't trust him. Claims I hacked his email, forgetting he gave me the password years ago. I wouldn't have checked had he been acting normally.

* 08/03/05 H files for divorce. Later puts papers in my purse with a note telling me to go sign for them so I won't be served.

* Refuses to go to dr. appts. anymore for the baby. I lose 30 lbs worrying about it all. Food is the last thing I want.

* 08/12/05 H signs for my papers. Illegal, but I won't fight it because it will cost too much per my atty.

* Starts cutting me off financially, to the point where he won't provide food, knowing that hurts the baby.

*Tells the fire dept. and the ambulance (they are both volunteers on each) that I am crazy and they are not having an affair. She is asked to resign from City Council for unethical behavior.

* The house belongs to the state and we get to live there because of his county job. He refuses to leave, it costs a fortune in gas for me to commute, but I have no money.

* He meets with her husband and tells him it is all just a joke that got "out of hand". The husband thinks there is one email and says he will call me. He never does. They continue with family weekends, which doesn't bother my husband in the least. If he wants her so bad, why doesn't he tell the husband so they can be together?

*08/23/05 I make a memory book and give him a card for our anniversary. He refuses to open the card or the book. He does eat the meal I make. It is the last meal we eat together. He talks with her on the phone prior to dinner, later denying it. [color:"purple"] [/color]

* I leave for almost two weeks. He never calls or writes. Doens't care where I am or if the baby is ok.

* I come home and he is teary eyed and asks about the baby. Now he wants to get involved since I'm showing the pregnancy. Still didn't come to appt. to find out sex of baby.

* Barely speaks to me, ignores me completely, refuses to buy food, or anything. Says there will no longer be money in our joint account and I need to fend for myself. My business isnt booming yet and I get a part time job. I'm on my feet several hours a day. This week I'm working 71 hours between my two jobs.

I have a great support group of friends, a strong faith base, a wonderful counselor, and a shark of an atty. I have hope that we will work it out and that he is mostly scared because of the baby. She can't afford to leave her husband, and mine can't afford to take care of her and those 4 kids. She encourages him to cheat on me, knowing that it could affect his custody. She obviously doesn't truly care about him. I pray every day for God to change their hearts. I want her to work her marriage out and for my H to remember why we fell in love. I don't think you stop loving one day and love another the next. I believe he has transferred his feelings.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be.

I am absolutely astounded by your understanding of this stuff, since you are so new in this.

Your husband is acting like the typical WS.

Hang in there, I think you will do quite well when you have a plan.

Jennygirl, I'm sending you lots of hugs. This is a good place to be.

Check with your attorney. You may be able to file for support even though you are living together. Write every penny you spend down, and write down every penny you get from him. You may need this later.

I'm a little confused. You say your H. signed your name to papers? That's fraud and rather than have your divorce attorney deal with it, I'd take it to the police.

Some people here may suggest you go to what we call Plan B. Plan B is used when all else fails. In Plan B, you completely separate yourself from your spouse until the affair stops and the spouse has demonstrated change.

Do NOT even consider Plan B until you've talked with your attorney. Because you're pregnant with your first, and you know the affair was going on just two month afterward, your husband may try all kinds of weird stuff. Like saying the baby isn't his. I know. Just when you think it can't get any yuckier, it can.

The good news is you have done a lot of things right. You exposed the affair. That's a huge step that most people don't want to take. If I were you, I'd consider sending copies of the emails to the Other Woman's Husabnd (OWH). You want all the pressure possible on this affair. My guess is OW doesn't want to leave her husband for yours. She knows your H can't take care of her kids, especially not when he has to pay child support. If she does refuse to end the affair, that's good too. When your H and OW have to face the realities and stresses of everyday life, their time together won't be so idyllic. Often, that's enough to send a Wayward Spouse (WS) running back to the Betrayed Spouse (BS).

Do read this entire site. You may be able to implement a Plan B while continuing to live in the house. I'm not sure. Or you can do Plan A, but given your working hours and the baby, I'm not sure you'll have much energy.

I'll be praying foryou.

[color:"blue"] Jenny [/color] ,
I agree, you DO seem to have a very strong understanding of the situation you're in (so often we're self-involved and it distorts our thinking regarding the reality of our situation). [color:"blue"] Greengables [/color] was right - please read up on everything on this website, not just the discussion forums. Come here and post if you have questions. Listen to your attorney, and if you have questions about that, ask. Many of us have been through similar situations (pregnant, separated, self-employed, spouses with "connections" inside the local government, etc...). Above all, take care of yourself and the new life inside you.

I agree with what others have written; you've a good handle on this situation. I am astounded that a man could do this to the woman carrying his child. But, I suppose I shouldn't be astounded by the things cheaters do when they are in a fog. Please let your ob/gyn know what's going on. A pregnant woman who is so nutritionally compromised that she looses 30 lbs. is at risk.

I am just so happy that those who responded took the time to read my initial message. I know I tend to skip those that may be cumbersome. Just some responses here for now...
Docs know about the weight, and are watching me. Baby is growing at a normal rate, so they're not too concerned. Also, I have filed the appropriate paperwork to get support now. Not feeding this baby is neglect and I told him so. He continues to sleep in my bed every night. I want to move sometimes, but everything in the house is mine from before the marriage and it would be a pain to move all pregnant. And I know the OW has NO intention of leaving hers for mine. She is seeking a city council 4 year position. In a small town where a good portion of the residents are her husband's relatives, I don't think she plans on going anywhere. Thanks for your support. I do plan to read this site and will pass it along to a friend.

Forgot to mention... my best friend is a guy who has also become close with H. H now says he and I could have been cheating a long time ago. He never mentioned it in the past. He does not act as though he doesn't think the baby is his (of course it's his), and the divorce papers say so.

OMG...I shed such tears when I read this. You poor thing! I feel awful for you!
Being on both sides of the fence, I can tell you this is what sounds liek what happened.

Talking to her, he sees what a great mom she is with 4 kids, handling all the cooking, cleaning, when H is away. She probably talked to him about this, saying that she has to do lots of stuff around the house and manage a household and still work. He begins to thik she is one incredible woman. My Hs uncle is a truck driver adn they have four kids, and I know how hard it is for a family. She looked at him as a guy who was around to chat, he looked at her as a great woman who takes care fo business.

Then he begins comparing you to her....and that is really not fair, because that woman, like yourself, started out with only one baby, then 2, 3, 4 and more responsiblity piled on her each time.
It didnt happen over night...the more you have (kids) the more efficient you HAVE to be, you cant let dishes go a day or you will have 3 loads to do the next day!

Then they become closer, you are pregnant, he is scared, she pressures. They can do whatever they want anyway, because her H is gone.

Affairs always get ugly when the light is exposed. People lie, cry, beg, do anything to hide their lies.
Only 5% realyl end in relationships...the rest fizzle off or end up in contact here and there over time.

Now, the only reason he amy be showing an interest because hter realitry has sunk in that he has a little kid on the way...and now he wants to become protective of what is HIS.
Never mind you...but he has a vested interest in what is ni your belly, even if he doesn't want to feed or help YOU keep that baby healthy.

Ive seen guys do this, and usually they will convince themselves that they are being GOOD for at least being there for the kid. He may try to work things out or have sex with you, but dont be fooled jsut yet. He is still too new in this affair to really let go. He may still see her.

My best advice is to stick close to your friends, stop thinking one day, he will turn around, and move on. I am not saying this is permanent, but for you to get healthy, I think realyl focussing on what you have instaed of what you dont have will help. I know that it jhurts, having his child and him not around . I went through this the first I was pregnant. But I felt a lot better when I wasnt wishing for thnigs that may not happen. I focussed on my child.
Just atke one day at a time, keep healty, keep str4ong.
I would tell him if he has such an interest in the baby, to realize that he left you high and dry and you could have problems if you dont eat right.

[color:"red"] DANGER DANGER [/color]


I'm NOT against having friends of the opposite gender. However, in your vulnerable state, hormones going crazy, and with an emotional deficit, this is not wise. It is quite possible that your H would use what may be an innocent friendship to compound your problems. And it's very easy to cross over from being friends to something more, especially when you're vulnerable (as we all are during separation) and you are even moreso due to pregnancy. Several people here have been "set up" by their spouses due to innocent friendships with others - and you pay the price in many ways. Please distance yourself from this guy for the time being. Cultivate female friends you can lean on. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Why have you not exposed her cheating to the newspapers?? This happened in a town that I live in and let me tell you, the affair ended rather quickly. Since she is running for office I would do it. Expose it to her husband and to the local newspaper- they are always looking for dirt on politicans.

I have had many opportunities to ruin both of their lives by exposing them to county authorities, the mayor, etc., however, I choose to take the high road. I will admit that wanting it to work out may seem a little crazy, but I do know that my husband is not in his right mind and that rebuilding our marriage would be best for the baby. I do keep a positive attitude and do NOT play the "poor me" card. It is an absolute waste of my energy. I do not blame myself. Also, she has a very bad reputation in town for being a bad mom, so it's funny that H thinks she is the best mom like someone here thought! I think positively about the future, but I do protect myself behind the scenes. My plan B is laid out, but I try not to focus on it. I know where I will stay, I have money hidden, and my attorney is expensive and worth every penny.

VT, heed Avondale's advice about your male friend. Avoid him. Do not call him or see him alone or email him. Your husband is already setting it up. Some WS do this subconsciously to justify their own infidelity. They think, "well, she's probably been doing it, she probably did it first."

jenny -

Refusing to expose the A is not "taking the high road".

Have you read up on Plan A? It involves not only filling EN's, but EXPOSURE! Doing only half of the plan will result in the failure of the entire thing. The fact that the OW is a married politician in a small town is great for you...maybe don't take out an ad, but carefully expose to the right people...and the word WILL travel in small towns.

Definately get in touch with the OW's H and show him the email...


TM

VT - There's several ways of exposing the affair. I understand you wanting to take the high road and not expose family "dirt" to everybody in town. But how about exposing it to your family and his? Do they know? There are ways to do this - for your H to be held accountable for his actions by people other than you - and not have your whole history laid out for everyone to see. I think you owe it to yourself to expose it to some people, using facts to back it up if he is still denying it's actually an A.

As an old L&D nurse, I've got 2 points to raise with you.

(1) Your diet...Did you lose weight because you weren't hungry, or because there was no food? If you aren't hungry, then you may need to force yourself to take frequent small meals in order to boost your intake of calories. In addition to the weight loss, you are at risk of electrolyte imbalance if you don't eat right, which can cause a whole new set of complications. If you don't have food, then I think you need to swallow your pride and, even if it's embarrassing, ask friends, church members, somebody to help you out. It's that important.

(2) Your mental outlook...Stress is bad for you. It's bad for the baby. You didn't ask to have this situation thrust on you, but you need to do everything you can to minimize the mental and emotional fallout on yourself while you are pregnant. I'm not sure what exactly this would be for you, but I hope you can find some way to "divorce" yourself at least a little from all this other-made turmoil and find some sense of calmness and equilibrium for yourself, and for your baby's sake.

t&l

I have lost the weight due to not being hungry. This was well before there was no food. Now there is no food, and no money from him. He admitted last night that he is seeking a part-time job which floored me. He knows that we're going to court to get me some money, this actually will put him at a disadvantage.

Yes, stress is bad for me. I try to stay as positive as possible. I'm reading The Power of a Praying Wife and feel better already. It's amazing how praying differently can affect your outlook.

I think my plan A and plan B are different from what is used here. I will look into them when I research this site further. I did discover that I'm reading a book by the people responsible for this site and didn't know it.

Here are my newest thoughts. I want to leave eventually, even if it is just temporary. However, because he has cut off my funds and won't talk to me, I have not been doing my wifely duties around the house. I feel if I leave now that there will be nothing for him to miss. I'm thinking about showing some respect for him and myself by doing more chores and cooking. I know he will appreciate it silently. Pretty soon, OW won't be working with him again because her position is temporary. I will know in my heart when it is time to leave. It is not my intent to work so hard to try to win him back, because I know that effort would be futile. Rather, I want to leave and have him at least remember what things were like in the past NOT the way they have been the past few months.

I found out at church that OW's H has quit his over the road job to be home more. He now has an opportunity to be home in the evenings with his family. I see it as a blessing for sure. I know it will take time to see the effects, but I pray that she and her husband will develop a new love for one another.

As of last night, my H has decided to be a tutor for OW in her EMT classes. I'm enraged. He also took an emergency call this morning with her. Little did he know that he left a radio on at home and I heard what time they left the hospital. 2 1/2 hours after that point he wasn't home. Should have been 1/2 hour max even if they stopped for gas. Not sure how to approach that. Also, I really need advice on the "wifely duties" I mentioned in my last post!

Expose to his boss that he has a conflict of interest with the details of this a.m. - do it NOW. Disclosure and exposure has a way of driving the "fantasy" out of the affair - like cockroaches, affairs don't like the light of day.

Boss is well aware as of 7/26. He told me he thought something was going on. He's not much of a stand up guy. I think he fears if he fires her that she will scream sexual harrassment. Not something I need either. Also, H "cleared things up" with the boss. I believe he just tells people I'm the crazy pregnant wife. Still looking for a way to get the stack of suggestive email to OWH. Anyone want to mail them for me?

Jennygirl,
As far as "wifely duties" (I used to think that meant just sex <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />!), what you described is similar to "Plan A"...so go ahead and do those things. Go the extra mile with all housekeeping and your own personal appearance. Be the best wife you can be! Make him remember that you are still alive and vibrant!

As for exposing the A to the Boss, does he realize you're not asking for the OW to be fired (which could get him in trouble with harrassment), but you're asking for reassignment of both your H and her to different partners? That seems easy enough to do.

Why do you feel you can't send the suggestive emails to OWH yourself?