I'm wondering about myself lately, and wondered if anyone else is afraid to venture out for fear of their heart being hurt.

I have had one relationship since my divorce, and it has not left me bitter, but just afraid.

Since this broke off almost 4 months ago now, I have gone on two dates with the same guy. Immediately he became very complimentary and very interested in me and it scared me away, so much so that I told him I couldn't go out on anymore dates with him.

I think there was more to it in all honesty. I think I was lacking something as far as he was concerned, but I do worry for myself.
I worry that I won't be able to put myself out there again, or allow myself to feel those emotions.

Anyone else feel like this?

Thanks,
Karona

The fast and quick answer is no Karona.....

Think about it.

If you imagine the worst possible outcome of a relationship (which we have experienced) what can anyone else do to hurt you worse than that?

Nothing is the answer.

I guess I could relate this to my boxing days for effect.

I had over 100 fights as a boxer, as a golden glover and Military fighter I was 121-1. Took a butt load of punches, and a heap of abuse. I ached for days and weeks after some fights but I kept going back.

Why you may ask? Because I already knew what the worst outcome could be and embraced it. I already felt the pain so I knew what that was like intimately.

I knew the next guy couldn't do anything to me I hadn't already felt and experienced in the ring.

Ergo, I KNOW the next WOMAN can't do anything to me I haven't already felt or experienced in love.

Does that make sense to you?

Go out, release your fear and anxiety, take a chance, eat cotton candy at the fair and ride the whip with someone then go get a funnel cake.

You never know unless you step up and try.

I'm with you Karona..I'm very much ready to just forget it all.

I've tried putting on the happy face and putting myself out there time and time again...and each time it still stings.

There is no right or wrong answer...you have to do whatever you feel YOU are ready for. Brace yourself for the worse and be delighted with the best should it happen. Easier said than done I know...but life does go on whether we like it or not.

Hugs
Alluring

Oh Alluring, we seem to be in the same spot.

I know what you mean about the happy face! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I can't say that I'm miserable being alone, and its what I needed, but I do worry that I won't open up again. Maybe its as simple as the right guy hasn't stepped into my life yet.


Reborn,
I have been wondering about you. I haven't seen your name around here in awhile.

As I've been going through this process, I have thought about some of the advice you given me previously, it's been helpful, and I re-read it when I'm struggling.

I understand what your saying, and your right, there is no way I can be hurt more than I have been. But, in this recent experience, it scared me to death the minute this guy was super nice. I wanted to run. [ultimately, I guess I did] One very positive out of it though, it made me realize that there are other nice guys out there, and it has allowed me to stop thinking so much of xbf!

By the way, I'm impressed with the boxing!! I would have never guessed.

Can I ask though, do you compare physical pain to heart ache? I have never experienced the physical like your speaking of, but this heart stuff cuts pretty deep.

I like the fair idea. It sounds so innocent! Ahh to be young again.

Thanks,
Karona

I have hopes that this is the case for both of us. Time will tell as usual. I try to not be cynical but its hard!

I'm here to talk to or just vent to whenever you need to. My emails are below if you want to use either of them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Alluring. I just may do that someday.
Sometimes it just helps to know your not alone. I appreciate your kindness!

K!

Hey Karona,

I wouldn't have posted if not for seeing your name to be truthful...it seems I am not much in need of what is offered here...kinda muddled my way through it all you might say.

It is scary Karona, the idea that our emotions are attached to anothers acceptance of them.

The THOUGHT is scary.

The reality is the emotions are ours to give as we see fit, not the acceptance of those emotions.

New age gobbeldy [censored]?

No, the truth is this, the power of what we are willing to give to others IS the power we have over ourselves.

Enough of that, I'll answer the real question.

When you found out, when d-day occured, what is your physical description?

Like a kick to the gut?

Like a punch to the head?

We all used them, the cliche's that is....

The physical pain was easier than the emotional to be honest..once a bruise disapears it is gone for good. Once the swelling of a black eye goes away it is forgotten.

The emotional baggage is another animal entirely...that is the brutal stuff.

Anyway Karona, I used the fair reference for a reason, what you are doing is innocent and new, fresh and exciting...I take every date, every new contact as a fair date.....a ride on the whip, some custard and a maybe some cotton candy in the end if all goes well.

Karona, don't be too impressed by my boxing...go to the MB photo album and you will see that it wasn't without consequence <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Honestly though, I was a small child, very small until I was in 8th grade and suddenly I grew to manly proportions and took an interest because I was tired of getting beat up. I had a history teacher (my favorite class to this day) that had a boxing background and encouraged me and became a father figure to me.

When I was offered a spot on the boxing team while in the service I jumped on it (long story)

I knew it would never be a vocation but I relished the mano-a-mano nature of the sport...I was only defeated once and honestly it was my fault for leaving my button open for pushing.

Enough of "realing through the years" for now...

Cotton candy, sausage sandwiches and wonderful futures for now OK?

Karona, the pain and fear is what we make of it, not what our opponents or spouse choose for us...

Too obscure or does it make sense?

RM

I really appreciate it RM! That means a lot to me.

I understand what you are saying. I sometimes feel that I have come further than I think when reading here. Sometimes, I feel I'm past some of the "stuff", but every now and again, something pops up, and I feel the urge to reply, I guess kind of like you.
I can't imagine ever leaving the boards though. This place/[or people] have been a strength for me in ways that go beyond words.

[/quote] When you found out, when d-day occured, what is your physical description?

Like a kick to the gut?

Like a punch to the head?
[/quote]

I remember it like it was today. Everything drained out of my body, it was a blow to my stomach, and it took me two days to be able to breath.

It does have a long lasting effect indeed! A real animal as you say.



I like it!
You do have a way with descriptions!!

I would like to see the album. I'm a bit of a moron I guess because I don't know how to find it. Can you guide me there?

Anyway, yes, it makes sense! And, if I were to take it all literally, I would never get a date after eating all the good stuff!!

I'm thinking I may remember something about you. Have I read somewhere long ago that you were/are from Ohio??
If so, that's why I think your so great. I was raised there, Northeastern!

Thanks RM! You have given me a smile!
K!

"Maybe its as simple as the right guy hasn't stepped into my life yet."

No, it isn't that simple. Until you are ready to open your heart again, you will never see the right guy, because you'll never let him close enough to get a good look at him.

What you are feeling is natrual. We've all been hurt and, though our rational mind may be ready to move on, the heart has a long memory and a completely different agenda.

If, after considerable time has past since your divorce, you feel ready and try and fail repeatedly to open your heart to love again, or if you cannot shake the fear of being hurt, it means that you are stuck in the grieving process. If you cannot deal with this and move on, you should talk with someone trained in helping people resolve grief.

Check,

Points well taken!

I'd say there is truth in what you are saying.
The desire is there, so I'm hopeful that it is a matter of letting myself open up.

I know that there are quality men, worthy of the giving of my heart again. I guess I would like to have the short cut.
For him to appear, and not go through the hard stuff.
I bet I'm not alone in that line of thinking!

Thanks for the reminders,
K!

Hi Karona!
Well, I guess you know I'm not too afraid, because I'm out there. Yes, I was afraid after my D, and indeed took some time for myself. Then when I started dating, I was cautious with my heart. I tend to be more logical then emotional anyway, which is good sometimes.... I think it protects me from pain... but it also keeps me from joy too sometimes. But when I started dating my xBF of 2 years, it took a little while to begin trusting myself, and trusting my heart, and trusting the R enough to "feel" those feelings, and expose my heart. I guess I eventually did . Being a logical, cautious person is a curse sometimes, beccause I get in my own way, as I mentioned. I loved him, and loved our R, but I knew I never let myself totally trust it, because it wasn't everything I wanted. Will I ever find it? I dunno. Am I afraid to look? NO I'm striving to learn to balance my logic and emotion... that trust of myself and others because I really don't want to be alone forever. I'm ok alone. I can keep myself busy and all that. But I really want to share my life with someone.

So, to answer your question... I'm trying to relate and think about myself in regards to your question. Finding the balance between putting our heart out there enough to TRY... and keeping a proper GUARD on our heart (logic?)... is the hard part.

The guy that you went on 2 dates with... could you not be honest with him? ... and say... "I'm uncomfortable and need to slow down. Slow wayyyyyy down. Just give me some time." And give him an oppurtunity to decide what to do... maybe he could build your trust and comfort level. Maybe he would surprise you.

Just some thoughts.
hugs,
Faith1

I like your idea, Faith1. Feel with your heart, but think with your head and think about what your heart is feeling, not feel about what you head is thinking. But you have to strike a balance, which is what I call the "walk in the forest " analogy. It's a beautiful day and you want to take a walk in the forest. You start out, but are fearful of all the potential "dangers" there. So you creep around, looking around every tree to see what is lurking there. In doing so you come out of the forest safe and sound, but have completely missed the beauty and peace of it.

Hi Faith,

I believe that is where I'm at. I want to put myself out there, but not too far, too soon.
I want to try, but not give it all up, not until I know I feel safe, which, isn't that where I should be??

Concerning this guy. This may sound incredibly dumb, but I just wanted someone to do this dating thing with. I just wanted it to be light/casual kind of thing. I didn't go into it thinking it was going to be a romance. I had felt I needed to try dating, and that was my intention.
To try to get my casualness across to him, I told him I wanted to pay for myself, and I did both times. I wanted it to be light and easy. If something were to have come from it, then I would have been surprised.
He also was very honest about how he felt concerning me, and gave me these huge compliments. And yes it felt good, but...
I told him I needed to go slow and that I found I was guarding myself, to that he said he understood. But, he also came back and said, he found himself thinking of me all the time.[after 2X of very casual dates] I felt unfair not feeling more and he was feeling these other things. That was the point where I decided I had to stop accepting dates. As much as he said he understood, it seemed as though he was putting his heart out there concerning me. Or, quite possibly, that's just who he is. The kind of guy that gives compliments easily.

My thoughts concerning him and I were that we were too different based on a couple things that were said. It did really bother me though, that he seemed like a genuinely good guy with a lot to offer, and my lack of feelings concerning him. That was when I started thinking, do I have a problem????

All in all though, I'm glad I met him, and went out. It was a good experience, and this was an on-line guy.

As far as the trust thing. I believe that I have figured out that I can trust again. I did with my xbf, and I do think this guy was trustworthy. I think it comes down to trusting myself to make the "right" decision. I think what I'm terrified of at this point is failure.

And Check, interesting thought! I think I'm guilty!!

Thanks to you both!
Karona

Karona,

I wouldn't leave these boards either...I am almost exclusively posting on Idiotville in general questions now....

My radar is working again, and it is tuned in better so I can ditch the losers quickly now...so much of what is discussed here in the dating board is the early stages...the reaching out and stepping out stage and I am way, way beyond that. At least I think I am? Yes I am...lol

here is the MB Photo Album

Lots of good people posted pics and Faith1 has been kind enough to keep track of it all.

Well Karona, good memory...I am from Ohio, northeast Ohio...a 15 minute trip on I-71 from downtown Cleveland...What part are you from?

Stop with the compliments...my ego just grew 5 sizes too big for my body <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Karona, Has it really been 4 months already? Yeah, I guess it's been about 3 for me... Unlike you, no dates at all, no one has expressed any interest and I'm not looking.

I'm taking full advantage of my still married status to completely withdraw from the dating scene. I'm getting used to being alone and kind of like just hanging out with myself. I do things with friends, but not as agressively as I was right after the break-up w/XBF. I don't even have kids to keep me company.

I remember one of my WH's parting shots was that I'd be an old woman living alone with my cats. Well, I do have two cats, as well as 4 dogs and 7 horses (all used to be "ours") and these days, it doesn't sound like such an insult anymore. I guess in a way it's good to feel so content being alone, but sometimes I wonder if I'll ever feel like dating again, if something's wrong with me...

RM~~
I think I'm just a bit more eastern. I grew up in Ashtabula. When I was young, Cleveland was a scary place. My sister still lives up there and visits, and says how much better it is now.

Thanks for sharing the album!? I think I have seen cinderella somewhere before. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Faith1 did a great job!
Its really neat to put a face with some of the names. There are so many people in there though that I have never heard of. Big place this board is!!

So this is the early stages eh? And I thought I had progressed so far. (only kidding) I started on here I think in 2002 under a different name. Went through the various boards, and now I'm here!

Thanks again for your thoughts, I always appreciate what you have to say. (BTW, thats not a compliment!)Ha!

LT~~

I haven't heard from you in so long. I do think of you, and wonder how things are progressing for you. Sounds like things have not gone through yet. I'm sorry.

Well, I guess there could be worse things than living with your animals, you could be living with the animal you married. So, in that respect, I think your doing great!
Seriously though, I think he was just trying to beat you down. Don't let him.

So, yes, it has been 4 months since I last spent time with xbf, the official break up was a few weeks later. I believe I'm doing better. I went through all but the last week and a 1/2 marking off everyday on my calendar, meaning, made it through another day. That's how crushed I felt. I did see him, gosh, it's been about 3 or 4 weeks ago now. He looked great, still handsome, and kind. I still feel like I royally screwed up something that had potential, but I chalk it up to, that's where I was at that time in my life and I couldn't change it.

I have joined two dating sites, but am now just waiting for them to expire. (only had the one date, and he was really my only communication also)I have decided, its not me. The reason I did it was because I don't go out hardly ever, and where I live is ridiculous for meeting men anyway.
It's really just not me to go after guys, and that's what I felt like I was doing. So, I guess I will remain a mom to my girls, until I'm in the right place at the right time kind of thing.
Even though I felt no interest in this particular guy, but found him to be very kind/genuine and he was attractive, it wasn't fun telling him I didn't want to continue going out. I took no pleasure in that. He in fact wrote me an email a few days later asking how to get to my heart. It made me cry. So, my heart is either not ready, or I'm just that hypersensitive.

Well LT, I don't think anything is wrong with you. I think maybe your doing what you feel is needed. Just trying to get to a better spot.

I'm glad you checked in!
Karona

Karona where do you live now? I'm in Pennsylvania...about an hour east of Erie.

Hi Alluring,

I live in, hang on......West Virginia!! Have lived here for 8.5 years now. It was a hard ajustment moving here from Florida, but it has a way of growing on you.

Oh Erie, the guy I dated was from there, so I have a soft spot for that place.

You must be very close to NY then.

So, have you lived there forever? How about those winters up there?? Not fun eh?

Winters here are nothing compared to what it was like up there.

K!

I was born in Corry and raised in Warren..and I'm about 15 minutes from Jamestown NY...the winters aren't as bad as they used to be when I was a kid...LOL many many moons ago...

Hey Alluring,

I don't know if its close to you, but there is an excellent winery up near there somewhere, Johnson Estates. Have you heard of it?

Small world isn't it?!

K.