Well I finally mustered the courage to call. I had a female friend call to get by the gate keeper...I then introduced myself and told her I needed her help in saving my marriage. I told her that my wife and her H were involed. She didn't say much (he was there) she didn't want my number - not sure she beleived me - I offered a time line and confirmation - she said I should call back tommorrow - I think she thinks I was pulling a bad prank! Advice! Should I tell my wife?

Don't tell your wife yet, call OMW back tomorrow. She probably has more to talk about, but you're right, he was probably standing right there...

Good job!!! You did it. She may be in a state of shock. I know I was. Or she may not have been able to talk with him there.

So call tomorrow. I am very proud of you. You did the hard thing.

Whatever happens, she now has a head's up, and will be watching him.

Been there, done that. I know how hard it is....I was shaking when I did it. I had a two hour conversation with her where she explained that contrary to what my WW believed, there was no "amicable divorce" in progress.

I suggest calling tomorrow as well and don't tell your WW....you are not obligated to and she will no doubt find out shortly. Have your evidence in front of you when you call again, because no doubt, if she confronts her WH he will deny, deny, deny. They all read from the same rule book.

Also he may figure it out and tell your wife. Batten down the hatches and prepare for the storm. She ain't gonna be happy.

After reading the MB site and starting a nice recovery with my FWW, I decided to confront the OM by email and tell him that I knew about what happened and that although I will always hate him, I love my S and we are going to make it work. The A happened more than 12 years ago and was just a one night stand followed by a short EA but I just discovered about six weeks ago. Little did I know that the OM's W was monitoring his email. I found out about this through a mutual acquaintance that gave me his email address. I felt terrible that Om's W had to find out this way so I sent another email to her explaining why I felt it was important to expose and left her my cell number. After not hearing anything for almost a week, she called me today. We talked for about an hour about a lot of things. She knew quite some time ago. I asked her why she did not let me know and she said that she was sure that I knew as well.

It was hard talking to her at first but I sympathized because she had to deal with the same thing I had to. She chose the same path that I have and they are happily recovered. I know the road to recovery will have some bumps but talking to her was something I felt I had to do to move forward.

I feel much better know that I know that she knows and that she is taking the steps in her M just as we are to keep this from happening again and causing the same pain for someone else.

This site has helped me immensely and I know that since D-Day and following the advice of MB and MC we have started to build the relationship that we always should have had. It is important for all of us to remember that even the BS contributed to the situation that created the environment for the A. I have taken responsibility for that and my FWW has taken responsibility for her mistakes. It probably helped that the A happened so long ago, but even long after the A had ended the deciet and lies continued. No marriage can survive without radical honesty from both sides.

I did not tell my FWW that I talked to OM's W yet because she had a really tough day. However, I will be telling her tommorrow because we both have an obligation to each other to put everything on the table.

Me (41)
FWW (39)
Married 18 years
PA 1994
EA lasted about nine months
D-Day 8/26/05
Recovering

My wife just called me @ work...she did not sound happy all she said was "I thought you wanted it to be civil" I didn't have time to talk because I was going into a meeting. She will call me back - I know her call was because the OM contacted her. What gets said now?

Spin,

To tell an unsuspecting wife that her H is cheating on her is one of the most CIVIL things a person can do! IMHO

k

Yes I agree but that might not stop my wife from putting a pillow over my head tonite if I don't address this correctly. I did this for my marriage not hers (OW). Although I know that if roles were reversed I would want to be told...I should have done it right away - in April - but I beleived at the time it was a one of thing (wrong turned into a EA and a PA). I also read - elsewhere - not to interfere w/ an affair that it would run its course.

Spin,

The fastest way to stop an A that continues is to EXPOSE to all folks close to both players.

It is also very CIVIL of you to stop your W from HAVING SEX WITH ANOTHER MAN!!

Do not listen to her fogbabble!! Or turn it around and babble right back at her..(there are examples of reverse fogbabble).

She will be very pissed at you and threaten the worst. Ride out the storm, stay calm, do not LB, let her cool off. This exposing thing goes on all the time here in the halls of MB and IT IS ALWAYS THE SAME!! It is amazing how similiar the different sitches become. Like reading from a script!

The OM's wife will be lowering the boom on him and you will see what side the OM's bread is buttered on.

Then your W will be very sad and blue that her little fantasy is over (withdrawal) then you will see her coming out of the fog as she is weaned from her drug.


""I also read - elsewhere - not to interfere w/ an affair that it would run its course.""

MY GOD!! Where did you read that? On the AdulterersRUS website? That is sooooo not true!!!!

k

Follow through with calling the OMW back and talking to her. She needs to know that the phone call was not a prank. More than likely she confronted the husband and he did everything in his power to make the phone call out to be nothing more than a hoax.

You want to make sure this problem is stopped in a positive way. Even though it's traumtic and painful, stopping the problem is better than the pain of not knowing and the pain of what happens if it continues and is found out later.

Wel you are probably going to hear that now you've done it, there is no longer any hope for your marriage, this is the final straw, she will never trust you again, how could you, why are you hurting the OM's family, she is done, she wants a divorce, blah, blah, blah.

You can respond "I will do whatever I can to save our marriage".

Then she will say blah, blah, blah, blah................

And you can respond "I took a vow for better or worse".

And on and on.

Be sure to talk to the OM's wife again, so that she will start putting pressure on. Also let her know that her husband contacted your wife about it.

Or, you just tell the OMW to look at his phone records following her conversation with him about the phone call... the evidence of him calling your wife will be right there on the 'table' so to speak. Proof enough for me.

And, don't raise your voice with your WW, just soft voice replies...calculated responses. Make her wonder what the ****** playbook you've got, that you aren't being surprised or bullied by her tactics. Strength will win here, appear to be a strong confident man, it will rattle her cage.

Hang in there.

Any news?

Well beleiver she said all that you said. She came home from work yesterday @ 10 AM after the OM contacted her. She went through all our finance stuff and made a lawyer's app. for Friday. She said that if there had been any hope..it's gone now. She said that she told me last week that to get her back that I should have let her go (re. move out myself). She said I keep diong everything wrong and that just because I beleive that our marriage will work that she doesn't and can't/won't.
I spoke to OMW last nite as well - she was concerned about how intamint my W @ OM were - I told her that I wasn't present but that my W did say they had sex ( her H did not tell her that ) he was there as well and I spoke to him as well - he makes it out that my wife has been the agressavive one persueing him even after his many attempts to end it..I said if that were true then he could have blocked her e-mail but he said that he couldn't because of work. He admitted to excange of photos letters etc. He said he deleted eveything and that he won't have anymore contact that he is trying to save his marriage. Everything sounded pretty good....BUT I don't beleive it - any of it - maybe I'm a sinic but somthing didn't feel right...through all of this I have relied on my gut instinct and a few things said by him have raised my spider senses - I know that he is just covering his own [censored] but he accused me of trying to ruin his marriage because there is no hope for my own and that he is a victim. His work related issue w/ W - not true as well - the deleting of photos: not true as well - I know because they didn't get sent to him directly - my W set up a website/space to share. I might call him a work today and tell him that I don't beleive it - he can end it or I will send her all that I know. My wife also said she was pursuing him...but did they get stories straight?

This is SOooo textbook (if any one situation can be).

Often A partners will talk aobut what a d-day will be like and they PLAN for it, oftentimes working out a scenario and a plan, for instance, one saying, "I'll take the blame." And they generally deny, deny, deny unless faced with irrefutable facts. Now is the time to send all the rest of the hard evidence to the OMW. Finish with the exposure all at once.

And your WW's reaction is exactly on...she had her cake and was eating it too, and now you've let the world now what a calorie pig she was. She had you both and will throw a temper tantrum, stomp her feet, get angry, cry, to get back to waht she had...but now that the bubble has burst she won't get back there. She wants her fantasy back...oh well.

She will revise history, "I never loved you, our M has been bad for a long time, blah, blah, blah..." They say the same thing.

Now is the time to finish exposure, send OMW the proof, and work on fulfilling her top 3 EN's.

The angrier WW gets, the more of an effect your exposure has made on her...

lol How silly of me to think it was the AFFAIR that was ruining his marriage. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Great job on calling the OMW!

I don't know about everyone else - but I have not been discreet about my intentions or the books that I read - I leave them all over. She will pick one up every once and a while only to scim and then declare them to be in accurate or too little too late. She said last nite that I deserved someone batter in my life - someone who can give to me what she can't and that we don't bring the best of each other out. It drives her crazy that I don't accept the impending divorce and I responded that it drives me crazy that she doesn't see it my way..so why is she right and I'm wrong? She said that my actions are leading toward a bitter and hurtful divorce and if I continue we will end up hating each other. I also told her that if we split I intend on joint 50/50 custody of the children which she opposes - my lawyer assures me that this is the goal of the courts in Canada and whats best for the children - it will also limit by more than 2/3 the amount of support she is expecting. Well I guess I need to batten down the hatches.

spinmaker, she is like a crack addict who has just lost her crack pipe. She is furious at you for taking it away. Just smile sweetly and don't allow her to bait you into any fights. If you fight with her, you just hand her ammunition to use against you.

And stop talking about divorce. She is blathering on about divorce because she is angry that you took her crack pipe. Tell her you won't talk about divorce, you will only talk about working on your marriage. Then SMILE. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Spin....

About now is when we tell the BS (right after exposure or re-exposure) to find a comfy seat with a view and grab some popcorn

coz this is gonna be a *** fireworks show ***

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

You will witness verbal skyrockets and screaming pinwheels comming right out of your wife's mouth !!!

it is amazing how utterly predictable it all is

"How DARE YOU"
"YOU ruined any change we ever had."
"I'm never going to allow you to see the kids."
"We were only talking we never had sex"
"The OM's marriage was over long before we got together"

yadda yadda yadda

munch your popcorn and give NO INDICATION that the garbage she is spewing has any meaning or importance TO YOU

TELL HER THAT ONLY MARRIAGE RECOVERY IS OF INTEREST