I've been silent on here for the most part for a number of reasons, most of which I won't mention here. But just wanted to say if someone has a problem child, do beware of thinking you can have a relationship with someone.

What has been wonderful for 2 months for me has the feeling of coming to a screetching halt because of my daughter, because of how I've dealt or not dealt with her, and because I've now let my fears over the whole thing drive me to calling him and crying last night and emailing him in the wee AM hours, and now he's totally silent. This after things have become tense since about a week or so ago when she got booted out of school.

The telling statement from last night's phone conversation came when I asked him to just be honest about her affect on our relationship and he said, "In all honestly, I couldn't see myself living under the same roof with your daughter. If I were paying 1/2 the bills, I'd expect certain behavior from her, and I can't because I'm not her parent."

A cast iron skillet to the head couldn't have hurt worse. I can barely stand to live with her at this point. But she's my daughter--I by law have to provide food, clothing and shelter until she's 18--and that's almost 2 more years. I have no other parent to rely on. He's out of the picture.

I can't do a two-year long-distance relationship, and this means he has no intentions of taking things to a different level as long as she's there and behaving like she is, and I see no signs that she'll ever change. Her own dad couldn't tolerate her--it was one of his stated reasons for leaving. No one will be able to tolerate her.

She's all mine. And I'm looking at turning 40 in less than a month and going into a depressing Iowa winter and into the holidays alone, losing someone who I have come to care a great deal about over the last few months and who had discussed future with me and lead me to believe we might have something here, dealing with some child who only cares about herself and about crapping on me.

Not a good day.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

LL, I am so sorry.

I honestly have no answers at all. I just know that you deserve to have happiness in this life. I will keep you in my prayers.

You are a dear, wonderful girl, and I am sorry for your situation.

[color:"blue"]Problem kids and relationships do not mix well. My daughter is working Saturday from 6 to 11 am, then she is babysitting from 1pm to ?. My boyfriend and I planned an activity and I will be 45 minutes from home. No way do I want to drive out to pick her up from work. She is refusing to ask the babysitting mom to pick her up from work. Now boyfriend is upset about her constantly scheduling activities and expecting to be given taxi service for whatever she schedules.

I also can see that he does not want to live with her under the roof, although he has never said it - it's what I feel. I wonder too if he will ever want to live with my boys. The other night I asked him to tell the boys it was time to go when we were at a friend's house, and he refused, saying he didn't want them to associate him with something negative, and then added that they were my responsibility.

Which they are, of course, but sheesh I don't think I tried to make them his responsibility because I didn't feel like getting up?!!

So, anyway, I'm looking at possibly 10 years before boyfriend and I would have no "impediments" to being together always. I wonder if he thinks I will stick around that long? I would rather be alone than in a stagnant relationship.

I ask him where he sees himself in 20 years. He replies, living someplace warm with you. I can't see myself in that scenario unless I accept that it will be 10 years before we would get married.

V.[/color]

(((((LL)))))
I'm sorry hun. I was sorta in his shoes in my last LTR. It's a complex situation, when the feelings are so strong. We dated for 2 and 1/2 yrs. We even "dreamed" of getting married "one day" after his kids were grown, and out-grew their teenage problems. But it just was too big of a problem. And his problems really extended beyond kids-issues.

I know you're hurting... give yourself plenty of time. But don't write-off love. Someone out there can love you and your situation.

hugs,
Faith1

((lordslady))

I think I’ve pretty much been with since the day you signed in. I’ve been through the end times of the marriage. Been through the “I won’t turn my daughter in because I’ll loose support or have to pay”. Been through you don’t understand what it’s like dealing with problem children. Been through the never gonna be loved again. Been through the Oops, got loved. Been through it all up till this point. I don’t say this to upset you in any manner, only to lay down a couple of things. First, I feel that I and others have a little knowledge of you and your situations. Secondly, we care. So if you can’t read the remainder of what I have to say with an open mind knowing that it comes from someone who genuinely cares what happens to you, then I encourage you not to read anymore.

Let me add one more qualifier in there and that is that I have dealt with kids with severe mental conditions ranging from sexual abuse, physical abuse, addiction, cutting, to being HIV positive. Sure none of them are “my” kids, but in reality they were all my kids.

((LL)) I think you need a change of prescription because the glasses you are looking through are blurry to say the least. I will further say that this is by far the saddest post I've seen you write. Now I have to ask where is your gratitude? What are you grateful for today? What are you grateful for everyday? I have to be honest and say that it seems like you thrive on negativity and drama. I don’t say this to be mean, I say in hopes that you’ll examine yourself and either prove it wrong or right.

Then what ‘I’ read in this latest post, again I say it’s what ‘I’ read in it, is that every bad thing that’s happened is your daughters fault (the divorce, this break-up – all her fault), that you can’t stand her and only tolerate her because of a legal obligation. I know it sounds harsh but I don’t know how to state it differently. Now let me ask you something, if I a complete stranger can draw this conclusion from monthly posts, what conclusion do you think she draws? Do you think she feels loved? Do you think she feels any acceptance? Do you think she feels given up on and blamed for everything?

Let me ask you something, how would you feel if everyone you loved abandoned you physically or emotionally, blamed you, and branded a big ‘L’ on your forehead for loser? You’re hard enough on yourself as it is but what would that do to your self-esteem, ego, pride, etc… Quite honestly, I think you’ve already shown how you’d react to a degree. You seek love and acceptance or you create a pattern of self-destructive behaviors. Now how is your daughter reacting?

So where is your gratitude and what are you grateful for? The reason I keep asking that is to get you to focus on the positives for a moment. If you look at the world through negative eyes you will see the negative but I’m here to tell you that the opposite is also true. Rather than differences you can see similarities and rather than negatives you see positives.

(((LordsLady))) You are an amazing beautiful creature of God. I see that. Many posters see that. But do you see it? I and I’m sure many wish you great happiness and health but worry that you can’t do it alone. I think you’d benefit from some professional help. If I remember correctly you were going at one time.

In closing, click on this link THE GOD MEMORANDUM . I challenge you to read and understand every word. It’s an excerpt from a book by Og Mandino, a memorandum from God. Look for yourself in there, I’ll warn you it’s long and you have to hit continue for 4 pages. ((LL)) you are the greatest miracle in the world, believe it……

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

Is there any way you could afford to send her to a boarding school where there would be some discipline? But perhaps not too far away, so you could be with her on weekends?

{{{LL}}}

I'm sorry to hear about your latest predicament.

When your BF said,

what do you think he meant by "I can't because I'm not her parent"? I'm assuming from what you said:

that he has made suggestions you don't agree with about how he thinks you should "deal with her". Do you think he would he be interested in continuing the relationship if his opinions were taken seriously?

I believe that allowing your DD to be blamed for destroying your relationship is incredibly destructive, to her.

I gave up a long time ago suggesting that you go to Al-Anon. It's unfortunate you aren't willing to try it because I strongly believe it would help. You may no longer have the alcoholic in your life, but you have been seriously affected by the family disease, as has your DD, and your other kids. DD is the "canary in the coalmine". She is the indication that all is not well. Unless she has significant brain damage on which you can blame all her behavior, she is a product of an alcoholic marriage and she is acting out for a reason. Some kids become little superheroes, others withdraw, she's acting out.

Is there anyone you trust enough to listen to? A pastor, a counselor, a friend?

This was going to be my suggestion also. It might work for everyone involved...most importantly your daughter who might thrive with a new and different structure. Just a thought hon!

If you have never had a totally out of control child it is hard to relate to those who have. I know, because I had and still have a child who simply does not listen. It's as though she has a checklist of all the stupid, dumb things a young person can do and she is making sure she does every one of them. She is now an adult so I no longer have direct control or responsiblity over her and for her, but the pain and effects on my life are still there.

LL is going through a living ******. Her life is being trashed by her own child who doesn't give a d**n about how her actions effect anybody else. I suspcect that LL has given, and given and given, that she has worke herorically to help her daughter, and all that time, effort and energy have been tossed into the trash by her daughter.

Some kids can't be helped because they refuse to allow anybody to help them. I know, because I have one.

LL,
God bless you. Relationships are difficult with kids, period, whether they are easy kids, or more difficult to raise. I wish I had advice for you, but I do pray all will work out for the best for all of you. I pray your BF will see the treasure that you are and work things out for you two.
Take care.........
KK

Oh, boarding school would be a waste of money. She would run away and LL would probably forfeit thousands of dollars in tuition. You people have got to get real.

Good point Justin..thanks!!

But I do realize the unhappy situation she is in.

I feel the daughter needs to see that if she will not live in the house as a member of a family, then if necessary, she will be placed in another environment so as not to damage herself, her future, or the family. A boarding school with weekend visits with her mother, seemed like the gentlest way to do that.

LL, you may be right about the reasons for the new turn of events, or it could be more of the reality of infatuation lifting and reality setting in (at least for him).

As we know, one of the toughest relationship phases comes after infatuation, and is often called the disillusionment, or the "oh crap" phase, because that is when we see that the other person does not really walk on water. It is how we survive the disillusionment phase through negotiation and hopefully acceptance that determines if the relationship was truly meant to be.

Perhaps you are now in that phase - he sees the reality of your difficult daughter and does not want to deal with it, you do not want to deal with long distance for two years, etc. If you can find a way to get through this, then you pass the relationship test; if not, then it probably wasn't meant to be.

Personally, I find his reasoning somewhat suspect, and I sense other concerns that are yet to be brought up by him. But that is just my gut feel.

Give it time, back off a bit, and see what happens. You have only known the guy for two months - you hardly know him.

AGG

LL - Get real! Your husband didn't leave "because of your daughter". I remember well how he'd ply her with alcohol and just about anything else. I stopped reading your posts a while back because you'd never do anything about your addiction to addicts - and that's where Al-Anon comes in. And I hate feeling helpless while I watch someone make a trainwreck out of their life.

Al Anon is only the first step for you. But it is a first step - and 11 more. Get a program. Get a sponsor. Deal with your anger at yourself, your husband and your daughter. And then give your daughter some much needed parenting.

Only then will you be truly "marriage" material for someone else. Until then, you are just asking for someone to take on all the problems YOU have created in your life and that's just not a reasonable thing to do to someone you supposedly love.

Two things:

1. boarding school would not work as the child will run away. And the cost is exteremly high. I imagine at least $20,000 a year.

2. Alanon has helped many people and that is a good suggestion. I'd bet LL can benefit from attending one meeting a week.

[color:"blue"] For those of you who have never checked it out. Boarding school for problem children has a tuition rate of about $48,000. That was what it would cost me on a sliding scale. Then there was the summer camp progrm I paid for to the tune of $8,000 for 10 weeks.

Now the good news is that the one I sent my daughter to had a school in the Dominican Republic as well as the states. Since my daughter was a severe case, they recommended the Dominican Republic, but I could not afford the tuition. The runaway children would be found very quickly because it is an Island, the children generaly don't speak the language, and the natives will turn them in for a $10 finder fee! There was a very good summer program, which I am still paying for ($8,000), and I saw a lot of benefit. She has improved over the last few years and a portion of that was the school (I called it Christian Boot Camp), the other portion being her maturity.

If you have ever watched Dr. Phil, you may have seen him deal with things like this. He tells both the parents to quit their jobs, whatever, and concentrate solely on the problem child until it is straightened out. Only that level of attention really fixes the problem. One case i saw had the child go to a boot camp.

Many of you have dealt with teenage angst, but I doubt that more than a few of you have seen the ruin that a problem child wreaks on a household. I am grateful that my daughter is better now, because our house used to be chaos.

She grew up with her dad who used his parents money to win custody. It is only after four years with me, four years of counseling, boot camp, and lots of love and patience that I can say finally that I am starting to like my daughter again. She was very unlikeable for many years.

I didn't give up on her, I didn't stop loving her, but I didn't like her very much.

V.[/color]

This is such a problem!! LL I feel for you. I honestly do not know what to tell you. I just want you to know that I am sorry, but things will turn around. Any more thoughts?

If anyone is interested in really understanding some of these issues go to www.conductdisorders.com.

It was my lifesaver for a while, just like this website is for those dealing with infidelity.


In my opinion this is a rather sugar coated list of symptoms.



There's no easy fix here people! Lay off of LL and stop implying that she hasn't "parented" her daughter.

Lexxy, unless I missed something I don't think anyone has been on her. There has been some brain storming and ideas. I, myself, wasn't on her, only implying that she take a careful look at her outlook and see where her power resides.

Which at the end of the day she may only have the power to choose not to be miserable, that's not a call I can make.