Lynn -
I have read your posts for sometime now and I have found lots of great advice in them. You are much further down the road in this journey than I am and I had some questions for you -

(A little background on my sitch first) Originally H and I had decided together on having C but for a number of reasons (mainly OW manipulative ploys) have gone to NC after only ever seeing OC two times. This is a joint decision and so far has been fine (with the exception of attempts by OW to guilt H). However, I find myself often wondering if by having NC if we are setting ourselves up for a bomb one day - with our kids and with OC. Part of me loves NC in that it is almost like the OW/OC don't exsist and never happened but part of me feels sad that we don't know OC at all and that he will hate us later in life. I am also afraid my children will feel as if their lives have been a lie not knowing OC is out there. And although we have POJA'd this subject of NC to death I am sometimes fearful that one day H will resent me for it.

Early on in your sitch, did you feel these things? How and when did you come to some peace in your mind about OC being out there? Has your H ever expressed regret for not seeing OC? When did your kids find out and how did they react?

I really appreciate any insight you could share on this.

NOTE TO OTHERS: I am seeking advice on questions I have from someone who has been in this longer than myself - I am NOT trying to start a debate over NC versus C. I would appreciate it if this thread was free of such debate as that would in no way help me. THANKS!

I am in the same "feelings" stage as you, TryingToMakeItWork...and drive myself crazy with all the what-ifs. I, too, have read many of LynnG's posts and have often taken much of the advice and applied it to my life. Although, my situation is very different, I too have all these feelings because of the OC and an OW and the choice of NC.
I like how you descibe your feelings. I have often wondered how to put it into words and you hit the nail on the head. The NC does make it like they don't exist but I often wonder about the BOMB one day......and that it will all boil down to being my fault. I already know that my H's family blames me for HIS decision.
I just wanted to thank you for this post and for letting me be able to read MY feelings somewhere else. I am very interested in what LynnG's reply will be.

And although we have POJA'd this subject of NC to death I am sometimes fearful that one day H will resent me for it.

The beauty of POJA is ... your H was equally responsible for the decision ... so no resentment possible. If he resents YOU he also must resent HIMSELF. Understand?

As for your concerns that it sometimes seems OW/OC do not exist ... well, they do exist, however, they only exist ~outside~ your marriage relationship. And that is a good thing.

You are free of that stress at least for now. You should carry no guilt for wanting to live your life with decency and dignity and grace ... and you've tried to find your way through this crisis in your life the best way you knew how.

Nothing whatsoever wrong with that !!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

You are not purposely creating unhappiness or chaos for anyone else. Your intent is to ~create~ beauty and peace for yourself and your family.

Sounds like you are doing something good.

As far as what your children may think in the future ... well, that would be the time to tell them your reasons for your mutual decisions within the marriage.

You do not have to justify your decisions to ~anyone~ outside the partnership of you and your husband !!!

[color:"blue"] I know you asked for LynnG...but hope it's ok to respond also.

I have also gone through those thoughts in my mind as well. The fact of the matter IS: as pep already stated, your H agreed to this as well.

My H CAN'T resent me because it was HIS choice too. In the beginning NOONE knew of the OC. They knew of H A because we seperated BUT since OC was NOT to be in our lives (also OW choice) there was no reason to reveal that info. No one's business.

Years later the situation changed dramatically & OC was now IN our lives fully. We then told family & friends & OUR own children who were 9.5 yo, almost 2 yo & then a newborn. Of course the 9yo had the most understanding of the situation.

We did not go into long drawn out detailed accounts. We merely explained the basics.....Also w/ regards to family, we explained our position & whatever they thought or felt about it was THEIR opinion & did NOT affect our lives nor our decisions. kwim?

WE did what was BEST for OUR marriage & family, same as when C started AND the SAME when it finally ended. (it was chaotic @ best)

I used to think I had to explain the reasons for our actions to others....Now, I will if someone asks sincerely but otherwise...who cares? *I* don't need to explain ANY thing. MY H can if he wishes to do so & they can ask HIM if they want to know.

I did nothing wrong here, I did NOT create this situation.

You BW need to remove yourselves from this misdirected guilt and/or shame. YOU did NOT create this. IF ANY one must explain & answer for thier actions & choices it is your H & OW. Whether that be to family, friends, BC or maybe OC, THEY will have to answer for it.



As my sig line states...some things can NOT be 'fixed'. Just let it go already.

xoxoxo
kt[/color]

Thanks KT for your insight!

Early on, I mean oc was an embryo WE decided that no contact with the oc was what was best for us and our family. We stuck with it and I think it was worth it.

The ow did the ususal "guilt" trips that seems to be standard issuse ow behavior. Mailing photos, begging, etc. We handled it all as harrassment via the law.

As for the oc and what he may or may not have thought? It didn't matter. He had a mother and father figure(s) in his life who did love him. He had grandparents and school friends. I doubt very much, as a youngster he even cared about it. As he grew, and learned that he was the child of an affair, I would think the nc would be obvious. Today he is 18. Any 18 year old can grasp the concept of his mom being an ow and what that all entails. If/when he ever comes and wants to know what all happened, he will be told the TRUTH.

As for my children? They find the whole thing sordid and disgusting. They have never wanted oc around the house and would be horrified if any of their friends ever were to find out about it. OW has harrassed my children too. So they are not to keen on any of it. They are not mad at their dad for having no contact with the oc. They have shown signs of disrespect to their father for putting our family in that situation in the first place, and have, in their "know-it-all" teen years flung it in his face. They do not really talk about it though. OC is not part of their day to day life, sorta out of sight out of mind.

As for my H. He has always been fine with having no contact. He is aware and knows that he has dna in another person, but also was not willing to tear apart his family he already had. Like I have always said, everyone gets a piece of this, and the sole blame lies with the two who had the affair. So, there are no regrets on having no contact.

We had/have heard tons of stories over the years of people trying to "do the right thing" and it blows up in their face. The children of the marriage are embarrassed at having to explain the oc. The bw has risidual anger at having to help raise this oc, etc.

Today, we are done with child support. We celebrated the end of child support with a vacation.

I tell you, you need to decide what is best for YOU and YOUR family. What is best for ow/oc is not a consideration. Be totally honest with yourself. That is where you will find your answer. If you are cool with contact and husband is too, the go for it. If you realize that heck no, you do not want oc around, and husband agrees, then do it. What the ow wishes are mean nothing. Really, she has no control at all. All she gets is child support. The rest is all up to you and your husband. She can't say a thing on contact or no contact. It is totally in your hands.

Thanks Lynn for taking the time to share your experience. I really needed to hear from someone who has done it that my family can go on with NC and it not come back to bite me in the butt!

Thanks again!

Pepperband - Didn't mean to leave you out when I thanked KT and Lynn. I appreciated your input too!!

Thanks!

Ah...and never mind me. Thanks.

Sorry - you too Larabell!! I guess I should never thank people so I won't forget anyone. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thanks!

Trying,We have had C since he was 6mo. and in the beginning there was drama from xow ,now there is little to no drama, nothing out of the norm for any parent things. Oc is loved by all in our home. Our kids have known since before he was born about oc possibly being thier Dad's.
Just sharing about my situation,feel free to read my posts here and in the archives.
IF you and H are still having problems go back to counsuling.

Angels -
Did you read my post? H and I aren't having problems - we have decided NC is for us and I was asking someone who had been where I am how they got past their feelings in the beginning.
I am glad C works for you but it is not going to work for us. It is good for you that you can incorporate OC into your family -- it wouldn't work for us. My family is staying the way it is!

Trying...

A couple of years ago I came here with the same heavy heart about the OC.. I felt all that you do. I even felt that God would judge ME somehow for not being strong enough to even consider C. My heart and my head hurt every day from trying to figuure out HOW I could stay married to someone after this - let alone to someone who could abandon their child. I came to realize, though, with time, that my H was in a no-win situation-- when you plant seeds of sin, nothing but weeds grow- not everything CAN be fixed, as KTbunch said.

A H and a father can seek forgiveness, can pay child support, can live with the situation HE made with another person-- NOT YOU-- Do you believe that God will say on judment day that this is yours to deal with? No way. Your job is to protect YOU and YOUR family and God will smile on you for being faithful, for being a soldier for your family-- for being the glue that kept the family together when faced with tragedy!

As you get along in this- you will realize that you made a decision that was the ONLY one for your family when faced with this. There are no winners, no losers-- everyone loses and it is your job and xow's job to go to your SEPERATE corners and lick your own wounds and the wounds of YOUR FAMILY. That is all you can do. In such an imperfect situaiton, the outcome will never be perfect!

Your H cannot blame you, and if he ever would, you cannot beleive it was ever your fault in any way. As with the affair itself- you obviously do not control any other human being- and if he wanted contact and you were in the way- he would make a way to have contact, leave you, or do it behind your back, right? Dont feel you can change a man's decisino if he has made one (just as with the A).

Decide that you will be at peace with your decision and work toward your goal of healing your family, period.

OC was born in July 04 and I have no regrets, no feelings towards it anymore- no confusion. I did what I was forced to do- and that was to pick up the pieces and find a way to live in peace and it was clear that not everyone has what it takes to achieve contact. I did not, and I will no longer beat myself up for the hand I was dealt. Life without contact is the only way I could move on and be happy again- and the oc is a distant memory to me other than child support which my H handles himself and I dont even want to see or talk of it- thats all his to deal with.

Thanks for your post, Giovanna. I needed that today!

I also wanted to add my thanks to both LynnG and Giovanna for their posts and not just these here. I appreciate the support for the ideas I have about not wanting this mess in my life or that of my children's. If H had wanted contact, he could have had it, but not as part of our marriage. I don't have to accept that disaster in my life. I just have to make the best of what I can live with.

I have also struggled over the idea that we were committing some moral sin by my H not being part of OC life. But I was given much of the same advice that Gio gave. H is not available to parent OC, he and I have to protect our own sacred marital unit and our family. He made a huge mistake and committed grievous sins against that sacred unit. But, like all of us, he has the opportunity to repent and sin no more. OW/OC will have to make their peace with what their portion of the mess is and OW is responsible for loving and caring for OC. She claimed she wanted her with all her heart. Good for OC! H has reconciled with himself what he is doing, why should I continue to struggle. It is not selfish to want to protect yourself and children. Ow or BW, either way. But they will rarely agree.

Thanks for all the support! I am going to go through my life with CS as a bill that my H NOW has total control of. I will no longer be involved with those payments. Now, that is one more thing I can let go of and be freer to move forward with my family and H.