This is my first post in the divorced/divorcing forums, but I have several posts in the EN forum. W dropped the D-bomb on me yesterday. My C suggested we try mediation rather than going through lawyers for the division of property and the like and that we only use lawyers for the final paperwork. His opinion is that, for couples who are not at each other's throats, mediation is much eaiser emotionaly and on the wallet. W seemed open to the idea, although she questioned doing mediation before a lawyer is contacted. She wondered (and I'm not sure what is right) if you still filed first. She thought that doing mediation first sounded like putting the horse before the cart. Still, our discussions on this have been civil and, like I said, she would be interested in looking in to mediation. We have no children and modest posessions. We do own a townhouse, but no other major assets outside of the "stuff" in the house (no investments or other property). We have some debt (student loans for her and some shared credit card debt).

My questions for everyone are, who out there has had experience with mediation? What are your recomendations on it? Was it a positive or negative experience (all things considered)? Also, what is the correct procedure for going about it? Does one party need to file first or is it best done before any attorney is contacted? This last question might be moot as my W was planning on calling her attorney today, but I still would like to know, from people's experiences, what would be best. Thanks in advance for any advice.

JJ

A mediator is your best choice to sort out your property matters, providing they are not too complicated and you are not "at each others throats" .

I do not think it matters who files first for you to go this route, but work out how you both will divide this cost, both agree on who the mediator will be and make it a priority to do what you have to, to sort your issues out in this manner. Then before signing, have your own lawyer check the contract.

Good luck.

JJChicago,

My H and I just attempted to resolve a custody issue through mediation last week. We did not reach an agreement but our situation is a lot different than yours. From your explanation of things, it sounds as if mediation would be a great option for you.

The mediator is trained to be completely neutral. She will be there to guide you both to a mutual compromise. Overall, our experience was positive. Because we both felt very strongly about our positions in relation to custody, we couldn't reach a compromise, but we did come pretty close to it.

From my understanding, neither of you has to file first to use a mediator. They are there to help keep your cost down, apart from attorneys and trials. If you can go that route, I would highly recommend it.

We tried mediation but because the mediator sensed that my X was using a 'power over' approach, she said that he was unwilling to compromise and told us to use the lawyers.

I think if both parties are willing to compromise you can accomplish alot through mediation. Even if you don't resolve every single issue, you can use mediation to resolve the minor issues without an attorney, then use the attorneys for the difficult stuff.

Good Luck. Please give it a try.

Thanks for the advice. The more I hear, the more it sounds like mediation is the way to go. I hope my W feels the same. My C and others have also been recomending mediation. Of course, I'm still holding out for reconsiliation, but I can only control half the situation. I gave W the phone number for a mediator that had been recomended to me, last week. I had talked to the mediator the day before and was impressed with her credentials. W seemed interested to at least check it out. I haven't heard whether she has called or not, though. We have talked a few times since then but the subject hasn't been brought up yet. We've actually been getting along really well since she mentioned that she is going to file. I think the conflict avoider in me isn't bringing it up (one of the things I'm working on in C). I haven't heard if she's filed yet or not. I'm meeting with my atny. for the first time this weekend. I know I should ask her if she's called the mediator, but when we're chatting and getting along, I have a hard time changing the subject to D.

Any other mediation experiences out there? Thanks!

JJ

JJ,
My STBX went head strong for an attorney, she thought It was funny going for everything (typical att stratergy) ask for the moon, then negotiate. I obviously counterd with the same, plus a few other things. She stopped laughing when she got her bill. Her att had already racked up over 3K and we hadn't even begun.
Through her family I reasoned with her to mediate.
We did this odly enough with her father. I had a few things going for me with this.
For one ALL her family think she has gone insane, and do not condone her A.
I have always got along very well with her family, and therefore trusted them to be impartial.
I know she does not want a battle, because she want's to be with OM on a permanent basis ASAP.
She knew I am a good father, and provider.

We were then able to negotiate, It Is important that both parties be fair. Break things down as what Is the most important for you. Both of you need to leave your emotions outside, and mediate in a very calm manner.
remember this is a D. No one comes out a winner, enter into it as how much you are prepared to loose.

When we were done, which was about 2.5 hrs. I typed the informal document. All 3 of us signed It, then handed It to our attorny's.
They OK'd It and at this time I am waiting for her attorny to send the formal/legal version for us to file.

JJ, I know your scenario Isn't the same, but the principle Is. Hope this helps

Good Luck.

Tony

I would like to try mediation about a custody issue. I wonder if that could be done without actual court documents being filed and then followed up with the official document?

Custody was a major issue with us. I forgot to mention that my state provides a mediator for free for 1-2 hours to get the parent's to resolve the custody issue themselves without lawyers. My X wasn't budging from his pie in the sky demands, despite the mediator telling him my offer was generous and likely the best he'd get.

Coach's wife, I believe it can be done, if both parties agree. After normal mediation failed, we still didn't have a temporary visitation schedule and went to a lawyer/mediator to work this out (both lawyers wanted us to go to a 3rd party). She basically took my plan and implemented it saying it was fair. This became the temporary legal custody arrangement. Then, after X demanded an evaluator, he got even less time than I had offered.

Mediation is definitely the best way to go.

One friend and her STBX actually sat down for 3 hours in a McDonald's and hashed out their agreement, which was then reviewed by the attorneys. She said there were a lot of tears, but both acted in the best interest of the children.

We tried mediation with custody and 90% of everything I suggested was placed in the temporary order and he was still wanting to change things. He didn't realize at the time he decided to try to get custody that his $1500 attorney was going to charge him another $1000 for custody. He's belly aching about it now and had sent an admendment for me to look over. I refused all of the changes he wanted and sent back my changes and we are waiting for our attorneys to decide if we are going in front of the judge or if the STBX is going to accept my changes.

Mediation would work if BOTH adults approached it in an adult manner. It won't work if one or neither of them are adult about it. Funny how ego works into these types of things. God forbid if someone (in my case the STBX) doesn't "win" UGH!