Hey all I'm new here. I have been reading some posts through out the forum and looks like theres some good advice on here. My question is about resentment. How do you let go of it?

My wife and I have been together for 14 years and have 2 kids. Lots of things have happened over the years, good/bad.Infidelity is something that so far has not crept up into our marriage, and I guess we have our ups and downs just as others do. I feel that over the years I harbor some resentment just as she has, for various things. So my question is hows the best way to get rid of it? I feel that resentment is the main thing that holds us both back from moving forward. We have been to counseling before and it has helped, but for some reason she can't seem to shake the resentment, nor can I. I feel she has a little more than me. Any advice? thanks in advance.


Joe

Resentments are big issues. Look at many 12 step programs for people with various diseases/disorders and you'll see that most of them revolve around letting go of resentments. Resentments keep sick people sick and keep healthy people from moving on. OK, here is the hard part. To effectively deal with and release resentments you have to be willing to forgive as well as accept your portion of responsibility. Are either of you Christians?

Let me do an adapted quick breakdown of a 12-step program for you:

1. We admitted that we were powerless over our resentments, that our lives had become affected.
2. We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us.
3. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs and the wrongs against us.
6. We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others
10. We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

You notice these programs don't stop at simply dealing with a resentment, they deal with a person and how they live. They further try to prevent the forming of future resentments. I think if people get seriously honest with themselves, they're likely to find that many of thier resentments are more with them rather than other people as it appears on the surface or atleast equal. And also, to be very honest a lot of people simply don't want to deal with that.

There are plenty of tools to help y'all and people willing but it would require that you be Open, Honest, and Willing...

I have had more resentment toward things that were happening before A than the A itself. Our MC takes a biblical approach and told us you have to confess your sins against your spouse and ask for their forgiveness. It sounds easier than it is to do. It helps to have MC to mediate. I would suggest you set some sort of ground rules before just the two of you doing this. It can be rough.

1. She had us each make a list of things we resent.
2. We each went through our list and the other had to sit quietly and listen. No commits.
3. Then we went back through the lists and the other spouse gave his/her point of view and tried to see how this hurt spouse. No blaming. Why doing this and why was it wrong? Do you see why it made spouse feel bad? Could you accomplish your objective differently without hurting spouse or do you need to give up that objective?
4. Each spouse asks the other for forgiveness. Not just a blanket "I'm sorry."
5. You give forgiveness for the past and try not to do these things in the future.

It really helps when you listen and learn the other's motivations. I found I thought a lot of things were intentional that really were not.

Hi, thanks for the replies. I see I was given some helpful advice, things I didn't really see before even though we have been to counseling. Our counselor is wonderful and he has given us good advice as well. I guess some of this I already knew, but its just a matter of doing it or trying to let it go. I feel like sometimes shes waiting on me to go first and I'm waiting on her to let go of it first. Guess we need to find a compromise or middle ground and learn to let go together.


Joe

Joe, I am in the process of divorcing, mainly due to resentments. If you don't do enough about them, they can ruin your marriage. It sounds like you are doing a lot to work through this, which is obviously the right thing to do.

Congrats for facing your problems and working to solve them.

As far as waiting on each other to go first, that sounds just like my ex-wife and me. There have been many times lately when I have been reflecting on the past and I really regret not taking the initiative to "go first" on lots of things. You are probably both waiting on the other one because you're both considerate people. I don't mean to give advice, but I have to in this case. Joe, just go first. Your wife will probably appreciate your lack of passivity.

If I may ask, what are some of yours and her resentments?

Mine was the fact that my wife put pressure on me to marry her when I didn't really want to get married. I married her because I thought that there was something wrong with me for not wanting marriage. Eventually, that killed us.

Hey killer, sheesh sorry to hear about you going through this. I know resentment can be a tough thing. Sometimes, especailly for men, well in my case, pride can also stand in the way of letting things go. Thats something else I need to work on is swallowing some of that pride, might be hard going down but hopefully it will be worth it.

I'm sorry things didn't work out for you and your wife. I guess I might be the one to "let go" first. Maybe its like you said, and she will be a little appreciative of that. Guess somebody needs to make the first move or it will never get back on track so we can move forward. Thanks again.


Joe

please help me.
last night my husband admitted that he holds resentment as he feels i forced him into marriage. i did not think i did, but i am hearing him. if he says he feels this way, then he does.
we now are four years into our marriage and we both say we love each other. he says he can see nothing that i do wrong other than that he feels resentment about being forced into marriage. we have a 7 year old child involved in this too. the child loves him very much as do i.
how can i help him let go of his resentment and be happy as i know we can be extremely happy if he can just get past this.
please help us avoid divorce.

What makes him feel you forced him? I'm sure you didn't put a gun to his head and make him marry you. What are some examples of for why he feels you forced him? The resentment is probably not really towards you, but more towards himself. We all have choices in life, and maybe he feels he made a bad choice on his part for whatever reason. I need to know why or what was said that makes him feel this way? How was it force?


Joe

well we live in australia and we were about to go and live and work in the UK. he had a work permit and we were talking about marrying at some stage anyway, we just brought the date forward so that i would be able to work while there. we married in a registry office but at the time he talked about how we would one day have a huge party and celebrate the whole thing. i look back and think that he was giving me clear indication he was willing and wanted to marry me. i wonder if he is just trying to find something, anything to justify his affair.
if this is the case then maybe it all just comes down to me not meeting his needs.
he has also said that he found coming home from work at night to be a negative expectation. but what was happening was that around 5pm i would be really happy and have lights on, music playing all good and cheery, then he would stay at the office late and by the time he got home i was pissed off because he had chosen not to come home.
i am now planning to consistently be a positive experience for him. he is also like most aussie males and WON'T discuss his feelings.
he hates feeling pressured, but if i don't pressure him he won't talk!!!!!!!!!!