H and I had an okay conversation this evening. I told him I don't want to be married to him as long as I can't trust him. He has some work to do on himself. I don't want a divorce, because I'm hopeful he can resolve some of his personal issues. But they are HIS issues he needs to address. <P>He can't be truthful. Perhaps its because he truly doesn't know what he feels. Perhaps its because he tells me what he thinks I want to hear. But whatever the reason, I can't pretend that things will be okay if he just comes home. <P>I told him that I sincerely hope he can resolve these things, regardless of whether its with me or by himself or with someone else, because he needs to figure himself out before he can be the father he should be to our daughters. <P>Please note -- by truthful, I'm referring to overall truthfulness about his feelings, opinions, etc. Not just about the affair.<P>Some updates: He says he's still not seeing the OW (although, of course, they work together). He says he'll tell me if this changes, so I can stop obsessing about it. The trouble is, I don't believe him. I believe that he's not seeing her. But the promise to tell me if it changes is typical of the kind of promise he makes. If he does start seeing her again, and doesn't at that time feel like telling me, the promise means nothing. So I can't feel safe.<P>I asked him about her name on the email (see earler thread). He said it was an oversight, and apologized. This wasn't the reaction I was expecting. I was expecting something along the lines of "you can't tell me what to do." So I thanked him for understanding why it upset me. Boy am I glad I didn't hit 'reply all' like I was thinking of!!!<P>And a divorce-busting note. I think this is funny. A couple of times recently I have made plans to go out without telling him what my plans were. He spent about 10 minutes tonight talking about wondering what I was up to and whether he should ask, and it's really none of his business, but he doesn't know if I'll tell him anyway.... Basically he was fishing to find out what I was doing. I didn't tell him! <P>I also asked for his housekey back, and since our insurance is up for renewal I asked him to contact our agent and split up the car insurance. It's funny that even though he wants the divorce he always seems a little taken aback by the realities of it.<P>We talked about work for a long time. As we were wrapping up, he said "I like talking to you". Drives me nuts. I guess I'm allowed to fill that need, huh?

It is amazing. He seems to really value you in many respects. <P>He probibly can not comprehend what life will be like without you.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Animac -<P>I'm so glad that you were able to have a good conversation and that you said things that you needed to.<P>I hope to get to that point with my H and not have everything come out as major lovebusters!!<P>Although, sometimes I wonder if it matters at this point!!<P>Anyway, good for you and I'll say some prayers that he does some honest thinking!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Sounds like things are going well, all things considered.<P>Honesty is a real problem with my H. So far I've dealt with it by accepting the little bit of truth that I get and not pressing for more. I do ask him to explain things to me, but I end the conversation if he starts to become defensive. I try to avoid playing 20 Questions. <P>I expect to resolve this issue down the road eventually. I'm trying to focus on avoiding lovebusting right now. I was doing okay until my H moved home, then the desire to lovebust became overwhelming. I just keep reminding myself that honesty isn't going to appear overnight. Once my H feels safe in our marriage and starts to learn how to give me what I need, honesty will come naturally. <BR>I never thought my H would tell me he loved me again, so anything is possible!<P>Lizbeth

Last month when my H said our marriage was over and I contacted a lawyer and checked into child support amounts and talked about visitation and where the kids would sleep when they were with him...my H too seemed taken aback by reality. I guess he thought that he'd just go on visiting his "family" here, never needing to take responsibility for the kids on the weekend. That's my fault. For the 7 months he's been out of the house he's never had the kids on his own on a weekend. To be fair, he's offered twice, both times the kids didn't want to go and I didn't make them. Hey, I didn't need time to date...(hope I never do).<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>

I don't think I fully understand it, but it's clear to me that there's a type of man, the kind many of us are dealing with, that can't really think through the situation. I don't know if it's the MLC, depression, dependency on high functioning wives (who are demonized as controlling), or character weakness, but they have alot of trouble making decisions and thinking through the ramifications of decisions. What I see is alot of avoidance, and when something finally is decided, there isn't evidence that it was well thought out. I think it's avoidance FROM THEMSELVES. There is too much pain FOR THEM in this situations and their decision making is run by negative, fatalistic feelings, not logic.<P>I see the same childcare-related lack of thought in my husband, who also says that he wants a divorce but will not file because "I'm lazy". (I don't believe he will ever file). I asked him one week ago tonight to take the children more often. He said he was willing to consider taking our son on Wednesdays. I said "how about half the time and what about our daughter?" He stared at me blankly like I was insane to ask this. Then he said "I'll think about it" (translation - no). But isn't it such an obvious request (he is their father after all and he does have a daughter)? The guy has a tiny, one bedroom apartment, with one bed, and drives a BMW convertible. We have a seven year old boy and a toddler (who has stayed with him only once). He's been there a year and there's no indication of him getting an adequate home or car for a man with children. He left me with all the money (including his 401K) and hasn't lifted a finger to get it or manage it. He's using my car insurance (I bill him). I do our joint taxes. What is he thinking? Answer - he isn't. Life is just coasting along, day after day, with no plan in place. Someone or something else will make the critical decisions and remove the burden from him. <P>From what I can see, there is no analytical process whatsoever involved in this critical decision making. There is no depth to his responses to obvious questions. There are no explanations behind feelings. The reason I can't see it is because it isn't happening. I think that's very abnormal and potentially an indication of severe depression.<P>Maybe one day I'll figure this out. After all, I've spent an average of 6 hours a day for a year working on it. No wonder I'm a mess myself.<p>[This message has been edited by Distressed (edited September 28, 1999).]

Hi Animac -<P>Just checking on how you're doing - but see your haven't responded yet.<P>Distressed - oh wow, do I know what you are saying!!! My H has been the same for almost 6 years now...the last three with infidelities. He had to be dragged out by friends and one of the OW's. I know this because I tried to have him leave or work on things for almost 3 years...he refused and would not budge.<P>He only filed for divorce because they all told him convinced him to be single like them and that would save him money. They got his lawyer for him and a lot of other 'aid'. <P>He would not have done anything himself!! I don't know whether to thank them sometimes, or to hate them even more for their selfish influence.<P>Anyway, sorry Annie - off track from you......How's your strength now? Still "steady as she goes"? Hope so!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Hi! Sorry, some days I only manage to get on at the end of the day.<P>Spoke to Steve Harley today for the first time. It was okay, but not terribly enlightening. He helped me understand why plan A wasn't so successful. I was working hard at meeting H's needs, but not doing enough to protect him from lovebusters, specifically disrespectful judgements (like "How could you do this?"). <P>Yes, there really seems to be a lack of reality testing going on. My therapist described it as extreme compartmentalizing -- in one box he wants a divorce, an another box he wants to keep having his family and home. He wants both. If I point out the mixed signals, I come up against his defenses. She suggested I don't point it out -- leave it for his therapist to work on. <P>Unfortunately, he's enough in touch with reality to be moving forward on the divorce. Funny though -- he's the one needing to 'find himself', but it seems like I'm reaching out in new ways (joining groups, taking classes) and he's not doing much except work, golf, and watching TV. I guess he's waiting for enlightenment to strike him.