I am a date person. I can remember when I did what and so forth on any given date. I love to look back at past calenders and see what I was doing on this day....say 8 years ago.
Today is OC's 8th birthday. I wonder about him. I wonder if OW will pull any pranks or guilt trips today or cards or phone calls or text messages today...and then maybe she won't....
I remember what I was doing 8 years ago and I wonder if hubby remembers what he was doing 8 years ago today. He probably doesn't...I am lucky he remembers my birthday and our anniversary, much less anything else....But because today is OC birthday...the pain of the whole situation for ME is brought to the surface once again and I feel horrible. You see, NC has been chosen, but I am still on the fence. There is NO win situation...I have played out every senerio.......I feel for this child and the freak of a mother he has. I am waiting for the bomb to explode and for OW and OC to show up on the door step....then what. I feel I am on constant guard for my family, my emotions, my everything...
I just sit and wonder...I find myself depressed today. Knowing child support will be paid every month until this child's 18th birthday which is 10 years from now...I wonder if I am just depressed because of the rainy weather and the house is a wreck...Its times like these when I want to dig a hole and hide. I just want to cry and for what...there is no relief really...
Am I crazy....do any of you think about the OC on his/her birthday. Especially if NC has been chosen? I wonder if he's happy....I just wonder...and it makes me soooooo sad and angry at this woman for choosing such a path for her child. (I am a firm believer SHE KNEW it was my hubby's child from day one, but since he broke up with her...she quickly got with someone else (hubby said she was cheating on him) and just when with who would have her.....later found out she was prego and went on with the life until she and man broke up and he requested a DNA test, which was in 2001 and guess what, wasn't his.)<~~~So, I hurt for child more because the man he thought was his father turned out NOT to be...how confusing for a child....
Oh let me stop....

Maybe if you didn't give him and his mother the incorrect labels of OC and OW, things would be a little easier for you to accept and get past?

Really...
It IS my understanding that OC stands for OTHER CHILD and OW stands for OTHER WOMAN, CORRECT>
Why yes, my situation is not a result from an affair, AS I HAVE ALWAYS SAID....I DO still have the dealings with an OTHER WOMAN and the OTHER CHILD. Now I may not have the infidelity part, but it doesn't make the pain of it any less.
And no Autumn Day, nothing will make this easier for me to accept and get past...especially with the "labels" I use!

Is it also my understanding Autumn Day that you were an OW? Please do correct me if I am wrong...

Sorry your feeling so blue, if you want to cry go ahead,it's better to let it out than to keep it in.
Do something you enjoy, it wil make you feel better.
Go for a walk, even in the rain,it helps me to go for walks' you'll l be back to yourself soon. Remeber pick youself up,dust yourself off, start over.

You know darn well in the context of this forum an OW means the other woman AS IN the woman who had an affair with your H, and the OC is a child born of that infidelity.

I am not trying to belittle your hurt. I can tell by your postings that your hurt is very real, and very painful. You may very well hurt as much as any BW that ever lived, but that does not make the child an OC nor his mother an OW to your M and family.

I'd love to correct you... Yes...in the context of this forum I am considered an OW, HOWEVER my XOM wasn't married, didn't even have a girlfriend, so in truth I wasn't an actual OW because there was no wife or gf to be the other woman to.

I am wondering though...what does my label have to do with my comment to you?

Nothing will help you to accept this or get over it, as long as you choose not to. FTR, I didn't mean that not using the labels THEMSELVES would help you, but rather not thinking of the boy and his mom as OC and OW to your M.

And gosh, you can be testy! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Autumn Day has described herself as a FORMER OW.

Not that it really makes any difference in her posts. They are compassionate, supportive and logical regardless of whether she is addressing a BW or FWS.

Opss,,sorry AutumnDay! Didn't mean to speak for you or step on your toes! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I must have been answering the same time as you only much slower typing!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

TY Nerly <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

(how much do I owe ya?)....j/k <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

***eta: now we're even Nerly...you posted quicker than me this go 'round.***

--sorry for the TJ, carry on...

HERE WAS MY QUESTION:

Am I crazy....do any of you think about the OC on his/her birthday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I got jumped on once before about using OC and OW. I thought I was wrong with my understanding of the label...HOWEVER I had some, email me personally, to tell me about how I WAS describing them correctly and could use them in that matter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OK then, could you possibly tell me of another website to bounce ideas off of and share my hurts regarding this situation???? THIS was the closest thing to my situation, that I have found. MY OW IS doing the same games and all, as most of yours are. MY feelings of hurt are similar to those of yours also. We have child support to pay just like you....I could go on and on with the similiarity.

My situation is still new to the surface. I do realize that with time it will get easier. I may never really accept it, but thats OK too. I am a good moral person. <~~which I find a harder quality to find in most people.
I also realize, that this is all the result of this woman's choices. Just because she did/does these things doesn't reflect on me or my family, or my husband. For that I will always be thankful.

If anything, I am thankful. Thankful that this woman is NOT me...thankful that my marriage is true and loving....

Well I'm gonna guess you're not asking me, but since I'm around... I don't think you're crazy for thinking of this boy on his birthday. It's probably a very natural thing to do, especially with it all so fresh for you.

Is the man he thought was his dad in his life at all for him?

Lara, you married this man, created a family and had no idea (nor did he) of a child from his past. Suddenly you have a woman come into your life, and present a child that turns out to be your husbands. And you are upset with the child support and you even mention her playing games, etc. and seem nervous about today.

1. It IS normal. You have just learned of this. It is, of course unsetttling to you. Your day to day existance has changed. So feeling uneasey about this and strange and all is perfectly normal. Give it some time.

2. Don't feel bad about posting here at all. You are a hurting woman, dealing with a difficult situation, that you did not create. You are in a safe place.

3. Why not spend some time with your children. That is really all you can do.

4. Talk to your husband about this. I can imagine how angry he must be. He is probably just as upset as you are by all of this. Imagine, after 8 years. How low can a woman be. The poor father who raised him. What a selfish twit of a woman, look at all the people her actions have hurt. Talk it out with your husband. He could probably use some support too!

The man he thought was his father, now according to OW does not have contact any longer since results of DNA test (2001).
Thank you LynnG for your response. My H and I talk about this every day...We are still wanting NC and are keeping everything documented from when H dated this girl...to when he met and married me...just a long timeline...up to the events of today....SO that when this child does come to find his BIO father...he will know exactly what happened and why we chose what we chose. WE have had guidance from our pastor and our therapist. We know we are making the right choice for our family. But I still wonder about him and his condition. I guess its the mother in me. BUT I don't wonder enough to make contact....
WE take each day at a time and try to put this out in left field as much as possible....but there are times and days when the hurt just comes rolling in.....and today was one of them for me...

Lara, I think it's pretty suckie for any woman whoe knowingly knows that a child believes is someone else's to claim the person that she is with at the time. If she would have just been honest with the guy he may be still in the child's life who knows. I think alot has to do with presentation.

As far as how I feel about you using the title of ow/oc. I don't think it applies in this stitch even though your husband had no idea. I do think because it was WAY before you the dynimatics a differnt. Althoug this is agreat place to start and get some info, I also think that a site with step family forums would be very usefull. It's a known fact that it can be hard dealing with this type of thing to begin with.

As far as AD goes she was a MOW and has shown more respect for her husband since D-Day and they have worked very hard at there marriage. As well, her husband is raising there son as his own. But he knew before the baby was born.

I have a lot of respect for both AD and her husband for they have handled all this.

OK - let me get this straight? You've been with your husband 6 years and he's got an 8 year old. From a previous relationship that he was in - BEFORE he was married - and he just didn't know about the child? So using the "OC" and "OW" label really are not the correct ones. How about stepson ss? (or daughter) and xGF??
FYI - for anyone interested in what's happening with me - I met a wonderful guy, my son loves him, we moved in together this summer, and the future looks great <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I'm back in school (paralegal for now, law school later) and am loving life in general. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
BUT... my bf has an xGF. With a child. She's psycho. Can I call *her* an OW and the baby OC? I don't think so.
Granted I knew about both when I got involved with him (actually even before that, as we were friends for a while first). Granted you didn't know about this child, but really - to give them a label they don't belong to is just unfair. And your H denying this child because of the mother's actions I think is equally unfair. If she's that much of a whacko - then maybe his influence would be a good one on her. JMHO

Larabell -
You are welcome to use whatever titles you want! This child and other woman are outside of your marriage and family unit; therefore that makes them the "Other" Child and "Other" Woman.
You have been through too much to have to spend your time justifying the titles in your post - regardless of how this sitch came to be . . . affair or not.

Why I ever felt the need for justification from here is beyond me......EXCEPT:

In the beginning it was such a bee sting. I was hurting and someone told me to just enter phrases into the "search" on the computer and it brought me here. UNDER "Pregnancy/Child" Board...It was awhile before I realized that it was under the Index of Infidelity. My mistake.

Yes, plenty of you disagreed with everything I write or things that my H and I agree on...Most bash me for my feelings....still are. And thats fine. I could go and disagree with most of you on your posts...but I don't. I figure you come for support not a trial.

JFYI, my H and I both got counsel from our pastor and a therapist. BOTH stated that nothing we are feeling is WRONG. None of our decisions are wrong. That this woman erased all moral obligation when she chose this path for herself and her child. While we still have a financial obligation, there is no other obligation.

Both gave guidance and told us to keep a log of everything that happens. So we started a timeline of events...Posting things like when this child's mother and my H dated, when they broke up, when he was born, when he met me, when he married me, when H found out about him....up to now with all the "tests" his mother has done. And also keeping all documents, so that when he does come to meet his bio-father, H can show him all these things.

Both, our Pastor and Therapist, stated that I was not crazy for FEELING LIKE THIS WAS AN AFFAIR.....It was clearly NOT an affair...The sure fire difference? IF THIS WAS AN AFFAIR...there would be NO IF ANDS OR BUTS..IT WOULD BE OVER. H and I made that commitment before we got married.

I am married because I want to be NOT because I have to be...I love my H very much. I still feel everything for my H like before...if not more. My H and I got married (in a big church wedding) on our year anniversary of meeting each other. Lots of people were wondering if we "would work out." IF anything, this proved our love and commitment to each other.

This came to blow in April...right after having our second son in March....I was still emotional from that and THIS SITUATION just hit me like a truck. To me, the unthinkable had happened. It was a test. It will continue to be a test for the rest of our lives. But it proved so many wonderful things were true and strong....like my M, my H, my Family, and my Friends.

I could go on and on and on. Saying why this is the way it is..why I am NOT A STEP-PARENT...why why why...but why? There is no point. My H has chosen No Contact. To me, this child will be the OTHER CHILD. I won't be a step-parent because we aren't around each other...He is the Other Child because he is not in our family. I do realize that this could all change one day....but until that day comes, we (H and I) will live like we have chosen.

Some of you probably don't remember my original postings. I did try the friendship card with this woman. All communication (her chosing) was cut off when she told me that "she could be my bestfriend, or my worst enemy." That is when my heart changed. I would not be under the control of another woman. After telling me this, she wouldn't return my phone calls but began texting my H. BUT as soon as the results for the DNA test came back postive, that is when she started calling ME, not my H, ME! Harrasing me. Mailing things to me. When I have been nothing but nice to her. I NEVER let her know I was feeling these things that I had posted.

I could kick myself for posting the other day. I just got caught up in the day remembering and posted. Instead of my question answered, I get everything but!

HOWEVER, I am thankful. I realize that I DO NOT NEED JUSTIFICATION FROM YOU. I am thankful that my H is respectful of me NOT TO HAVE AN AFFAIR. I am thankful that I respect my H not to have an affair. IF anything I should be thankful that my situaion is the way it is...that it DID HAPPEN BEFORE ME....and that its not the situation of yours...

If anything, thanks for pointing that out.

LB~

What I said to you was not meant as an attack.

Your post described a lot of mixed emotions and confusion over the whole situation.

I did answer you, but you took it differently than the way I intended.

Me, personally--it doesn't matter what you call them. You could refer to the boy as Dennis the Menace and his mom Cruella D'Ville for all I care. My point was NOT the mis-use of labels. I'm not that legalistic of a person. My point was that perhaps your pain could be lessened if you could view, (atleast the boy), in a different light than what one tends to think of when they think OC. I'm thinking that if you thought of your H in the same light as a WH, that would make a bad situation worse as well. Do you see what I mean?

I know you've already explained to me that nothing will make it easier, so forgive me for being repetitive, but I just wanted to clarify where I was coming from with my suggestion.

I hope things get better for you...

What Autum Day is saying is

re-frame this situation

that often helps you develop a different coping strategy !