This is your life, Hurting...

You don't get another one on this Earth...

So what do YOU want to do...not taking into account your daughter..your son..or your WH.....?

Thats just it I don't know what I want to do.

Part of me wants to leave here and make a new life. But then the other part of me says if I do that I am giving up any chance of saving my marriage.

It makes me feel like i would be running from my problems. Well I know running does no good, your problems always will find you.

I am not ready to give up my WH or M yet. I just have to learn not to let these memories comsume me. I can't give up yet I just don't feel its really over. It can't be....

I am listening to Dr. Harley right now on the radio program. I wish I has phone to call in and talk to him. I wish I had the money to make an appointment with one of the Harley's .... Maybe they could give me some good insight to all of this.....

{{{Hurting}}}

Hang in there, it's not over till God says it over. I guess I need to listen to myself too.

Lashell,

Your right its not over until God says so.....

I guess we both need to repeat that to ourselves over and over .....

Hurting,

You know your DD.... she could change her mind by then....again!

But I wonder if you could encourage her to get signed up for GED courses, and test. At least that may help her feel productive, something to look forward to each day.
And a much better chance at getting a job afterward.
The worse thing is idle time for her. She needs a goal.

Tell her "I said so!!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Lady,

I agree with that. I have told her to do this stuff already.

In fact her dad told her last week he was going to pay for the test but so far nothing. Supposedly he was going to give OW the money to give DD last week but since he helped DS and DIL pay some bills he didn't have it.

I am glad he helped DS and DIL but in the meantime here I sit without. I know why he helped them is to get back in their good graces, because he always got mad at me for giving them money before. He said they need to learn to stand on their own two feet, well now seems his mind has changed on that. Seems to me he is trying to be the good guy now so they will accept his life choices.

Anyhow I do hope DD will take the test before she does anything like moving. I want her to be able to take care of herself. I just know if she goes I will miss her, but I want her to be happy and do what she thinks she needs to do.

I agree with Lady, Mimi, and Pepper. All have good points. Kids come and go and change their minds all too frequently. She's at that age.

STRONGLY encourage (even if you have to lead her to the testing site) her to test for the GED. Possibly the local community college, state human resource dept., may know of funding sources to pay for her GED test.

She is going ot do the test and see were she is lacking and go from there.

I know your right kids change their minds everyday. I just want her to be happy. I dont have a problem with her living with her borther and his family, its just that I will miss her. That will put her 900 miles away from me.

I think DD is thinking about leaving because it will be easier for her to deal with the breakup of our home. I don't think she can handle being here without her dad.

He has made life hard for all of us. Wish he could see that...

(((hurting)))

Its an excellent idea on her part. She's feeling pulled between the two of you and Im certain she is dealing with a lot of anger and frustration towards the whole situation. Don't feel bad about her getting a GED- I settled for a GED as a teenage mom and Im now in the middle of my Bachelor's.

As for figuring out what to do- I think the first step is a timeline for yourself. How long are you willing to put up with this situation? Are you going to give the plan B six months or more? Having an idea for yourself will really help to put things in perspective. If after six months (or whatever you decide), things remain the same, please do consider moving where the rest of your family is. It would not be you removing your WH from your son's life, your WH already did that. You would actually be providing your son (an yourself) with additional familial love and support by moving.

Now I'm going to point out a purely selfish thought (and IM certain you are not one to allow those for yourself)- with your daughter gone and removed from this drama, you will be absolutely dark with WH. He will have no one to grill and I am willing to bet he'd start nosing around to see what you are up to.

Your WH absolutely does see the hardships he is causing- he just chooses to ignore it. WS's are unbelievably selfish- and BS's in plan b really need to adopt that stance for themselves. You aren't a martyr. You aren't a saint. But damned if you are going to let a WS keep you down.

Im glad you are getting help from everyone but WH. Yes, you are vulnerable, but you must not allow him to know it. Taking care of things without him is an awesome statement with great impact. I assure you.

(((( HUGS TO YOU HURTING ))))
Glad you had no drama over the weekend, but I understand
your frustration at the length of time it's taking to get
the papers served. Your WH is certainly going out of his
way to avoid it !! (too much reality perhaps !!???)

I can understand your daughter feeling like she'd like to
be elsewhere (wouldn't we all ) but like others have said,
it seems like kind of a seperate issue. I remember wanting
to move elsewhere after high school and thinking it would
be very exciting and "glamorous" to be out on my own.
Got a job and moved about 75 miles away, to find out it
was lonely, I was homesick, always broke, and it was not
so exciting after all ! Moved back to my hometown and have
been here ever since !
I agree with the others that getting her GED is extremely
important- no matter what she decides to do, or where she
goes.

I think you've been doing an extremely good job, and your
WH is definitely "squirming"- keep it up !

I updated my thread - nothing too exciting though.
Slammed

Thank you both Mojo and Slammed for your post.

I need some insight on something. I just talked to my attorneys office.The process server called them and said he tried again but no luck. He said he went to the apt. and knows they were there he heard them talking. He said both vehicles were there as well. So its definatley WH is avoiding these papers. They won't answer the door. Thw attroney's office is goingto see if they can get the process servers cell number this way if WH shows to the bowling alley saturday he can be called right away. Seems this may be the only way to get him served.

They did say if he is not served that court would be postponed. I did tell them WH knows the time and date and told DD he would see me then. They said good if he hows up that will be great,we won't have to worry about the papers. Now here is what I don't get, WH can't file any papers on me without first being served these. He would have to counterfile on these even for divorce. Now if he has talked to an attorney seems to me he would know this. So if he wants this divorce so bad why won't he accept the papers so he can file? Makes no sense to me.

Also when he was at MIL'S yesterday morning picking up DS he asked MIL how she was. She said fine what about you. He said Oh I am fine and am so happy and on and on. MIL said for someone so happy he sure tried his best to convince her of it. She said it was such a put on she almost laughed at him. She also said he made a few slips in the conversation with her. Seems form a few things he let slip he has been doing drive bys here. He seemed to know about certain things in the yard that have been done. Also he said something about my hours at work and how late i am there. So makes me wonder if he has driven by there checking as well.

She said she could tell he was fishing for info. but she gave none. She said what really struck her was he had on a very pretty purple shirt. She said you know it struck her funny that he never had purple shirts before but now he does, I guess it made an impact on her because my favorite color is purple.

Now maybe none of this means anything but MIL seems to feel he is wanting to try and come back and does not know how because he is so hardheaded. She says I know my son and he is not happy no matter how much he says he is.

Maybe he is squirming I hope so.......

Mojo as far as how long I will do planb I am not sure yet. I do know it will be awile for sure. I am going to try at least until spring time and go from there. I am not ready to give up yet. I still have pleanty of hope and love for my H. Maybe its futile I don't know but I can't give up yet.

I know that you are their mom and would probably put them first, but right now you are trying to stay above water.I would definitely speak to the lawyer about that.
DS and DIL could have got resources via SS. You should have been first priority.

I don't know what the heck is wrong with that man. But to go to such extreme to neglect you that way is the worst.
Those who don't take care of thier own are "worse" than unbelievers! It's just evil to do that to you Hurting.
And I pray justice is done and he pays dearly when it comes to court. Will they make him pay all the back bills and past CS, alimony?

As for DD, tell her not to put the GED testing off. They may have a grant/scholarship plan for those in her predicament to help her pay for what is needed for the tests.

The GED is not as easy as it was before. I took it. But I had to take pre-GED courses. It didn't take that long before I knew I was ready for it, took the test and passed. It was soon after I began working at better jobs.
My daughter took her GED at age 17, before her class graduated. She got a job through a temporary service and got hired at the factory she was temping for. She does well and now has a job making 11.00 an hr.

Temporary Services are a great way to start. They put you on different assignments in various jobs. I loved it. I worked for 2 years doing Temp work full time, and then I got hired as a clerk at one of the banks where I was working as a temp.

You can apply for industrial, which can be anything from cleaning to various factory jobs, assembly line type of work also. You don't have to have experience.
If you can type so many WPM, you can get in there for data entry job/clerical jobs.

When I applied, I applied for positions under Industrial, and Clerical. I never went without work. They always had somewhere to put me to work. I gained a lot of experience that way. It was fun too!

There are also programs for Misplaced Homemakers here through Community Action programs, for women in your situation. They help you prepare to work, education, etc... You should look into everything. There is a lot of help out there for you Hurting, you just need to find it.

Lady

Lady,

We don't really have much industial work here this is a military town.

Most jobs here are fast food, bars and stores. We have a Goodyear plant and i applied there but could not do the work due to my back.

I have chcked into things for help for woman in my situation and to be honest there is not much help here.

I don't know about back alimony or CS something I will have to ask about. Most jobs here pay min. wage so really not much more money to be made. I am looking into finding some schooling in the spring time. Not sure what yet but something.

I will be ok Lady I have no doubt about that, I am not afraid of being homeless or anything along those lines. I have pleanty of support to help me out. In fact MIL has said if and when things get to bad DS and I could move in with her no matter what WH does. So I know I will be ok.

Yes, what WH has done is bad and very cruel but I know one day he will have ot answer for this behavior, and I will tell you know I would not want to be him when he finally has to realzie what he has done. I can't imagine the guilt and pain he will feel from it. It may be yrs from now but I know it will happen someday.

In the meantime I will continue to take the high road and do the right things. I will not break and beg him for anything. In a way I think that is what he is wanting and I will not do it..... I have to much repect for myself now that to beg him for anything. I want him to come to me for the right reasons not because I begged him , I will not take any more crumbs from him so he can do as he pleases. Life will go on and I will maintain the morals I was raised with and stay on the right path. If one day my H wants to walk that path with me great, if not then I will walk it by myself. I will make it.......

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />




Of course he isn't happy, and he never will be with a homewrecking tra**.

And he has a plan B letter. He knows exactly how to come back.

If he doesn't pay the bills, and continues to dodge the server....I would, never want a man back that could do me so much harm....but that's me....because it's getting right down to to much abuse.


I wonder what Harley would suggest in a sit such as yours.

Lady

lady,

I wish I had the money to call Harley.... I would love to talk to one of them to get their ideas.

I wish i could figure a way to do it..... Maybe they would have some idea on what to do now.....

I know a lot of people ask me why would you want him after all of this. My answer to that is because I know the man he really is deep down inside. I know he can be that man again if he chooses to be. I love my H I have spent half of my life with him and I know somewhere inside him he still cares he has just has to find him again. Its not fear of being alone or having no one to take care of me because I can do that on my own. I did it before I got married and I can do it again.

I just believe there is hope for him and I. Something in me keeps saying not to give up on him..... I used to say I would never stay with someone who did something like this to me but this little voice inside my head keeps saying stay and believe it will all be ok...... I have a lot of faith in my gut instincts and they tell me to hold on for now and wait it out.

Maybe I am wrong I don't know but I just can't give up yet. It's just how I feel....

I'm surprised, it's usually the military towns that are booming with jobs. Is there a bigger city nearby?

Our town was military, until they closed the air base here.
Ever since, the city has went down hill economically.
The churches have suffered as well because many of the people were military attending, and now they have all left.

I don't even know why we are still here?????

But....maybe in the future you will consider moving where there is more opportunity.


I know you will, you're walking by FAITH <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Lady

lady,

No we are the 3rd largest city in Okla. All the towns around here a small ... All the people from there come here to work.

My brother was thinking of coming back here and when he did a job serch he decided againsnt it. it's really sad for a town this size the job market sucks.

I may someday decide to move, but that will only happen when I am sure my marriage is over and no hope left. So until then I will stick it out here. My mother told me BS'S its not going to matter where you are because if WH wants you bad enough he will come to you. I know she is right but for now staying here is what I want. Its hard to be around the memories and the chance of running into them but I don't feel I can leave here yet. It just dosn't feel right..

I know I am just angry he is doing this to you right now. I just want his waywardness to stop! In some ways I think it is his PRIDE that is keeping him away also. I hate pride. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

But.....the weapons of our warfare are mighty through God for the pulling down of strongholds! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Lady

Lady,

I understand your frustration with this , I am angry as well. It makes me humble that someone who does not even really know me feels so strongly about what is happening to me. I thank you for your freindship and careing.

I to believe his pride is standing in his way a lot here. He is stubborn and is not one to say he is wrong until all other things have failed him. Pride is a very foolish thing to have when you use it wrong. Thats why I know its going to take a lot for him to admit any wrong doing and try and fix anything. He is going to have crash and burn before his pride will move out of his way.

Don't know how long that may take but for now I have the patience and time. Not to say I will a few months from now but for now I do ........ God will do his work in time....

Hurting -

First off - hi there! Looks like your WH just doesn't want to get those papers....

How, how do we know from God when it's over? How do we know to give up and move on? I keep praying about my sitch and it sounds like you have found some peace with this. I am so glad for you about that b/c you have been through so much turmoil.

Blessings,

Kim