I am so lost and confused right now. My husband and I have drifted apart, but I always made excuses (too much work for him, tired, and erectile disfuction, blah, blah, blah). So our marriage was drifting. He was out late a week ago Friday night (at an interview in another town) and was going to meet me at our lakehouse to spend the weekend together with our daughter (15). Well, at 3:00 a.m. I called him and he said he was sobering up which is why he hadn't left yet. Something told me that I needed to look into things. Although I knew he actually did have an interview.

While he was gone on Sunday, I turned on his computer. Found a post that he had writen and saved. It talked about his night with this guy. No sex, but it was breathtaking. It talked about a romantic kiss, of which I haven't had in a long time.

I called him while he was out and confronted him. He said we could talk, but that was about it. When he came home he sat me down and told me that he has had bisexual feelings since he was 11 (he is 40 now). He of course said that he loved me, but wasn't "in love with me". I was so torn. Shock is an understatement. He expected me to kick him out since he figured I wasn't in love with him. He was shocked to hear that I still get that tingly feeling when he touches me and that I was still in love.

He says he is so confused about his sexuality and really doesn't know what to do. He has started seeing a therapist and we both will go to marriage counceling next week. I am still heart broken and feel I have lost the love of my life. To think he told me he doesn't think he has been in love with me for years has killed me.

We just took a trip to the mountains in a quaint cabin (I had planned this before I knew anything). It actually was a productive weekend. We talked, we cried, we even laughed. There is a side of me that says it is over and he should leave now instead of prolonging it. But then he will make a comment about how suprised he was that I am supportive of him and didn't kick him out, that maybe he is just confussed and now that I know the "secret" he has been repressing all these years things, can be figured out. So then he leaves me with a thread of hope. Although everythihng I read says that it isn't going to work out. Only about 7% of marriages will work (why can't I be in that 7%?????)

We were suppose to go to marriage counseling on Wednesday, but he feels that this counselor isn't going to be what we need (which is probably true since they are a Christian based marriage counselor - rather than someone that has background in bisexual husbands and straight wives). Now it will probably be another week before we can get in anywhere.

I still allow him to comfort me by caresses because it helps me feel better. I know that I probably shouldn't have him do this, but I need the comfort right now. He has been my life for 23 years. At this point I can't really say anytyhihng to anyone I know because I really want to see where this is going.

That is why I turn to this site (I was originally here to find out how to help our marriage - but it is now much deeper than that). Any help or guidance anyone can give me would be greatly appreciated!!!

THANKS!

Sorry to hear this, and you must be terrible shocked and hurt. I would continue to talk to your husband calmly about all of this. One thing I would be sure to find out is whether or not he has ever acted on his feelings.

I would also get checked out at the doctor to check for STD's.

I have a friend who is gay and having a relationship with a married man. It has been going on for over 5 years. The wife knows nothing about it.

ScaredinGA - I am very sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I know you love your husband and want to do the best that you can, but abandoning God is NOT the answer to the pain and difficulty.

I am assuming that you had an appointment with a Christian marriage counselor because both you and your husband profess to being Christians. If that is so, then GOD, not personal feelings, reigns supreme and no matter what we are "Feeling," we surrender to God's will.

Suffice it to say that God is 100% against homosexuality and no matter how we try to "Dress It Up" with terms like "bisexual," it is still a sin and a "lifestyle" totally rejected by God.

So let's take a look at what your husband is telling you in the quotation;

We were suppose to go to marriage counseling on Wednesday, but he feels that this counselor isn't going to be what we need

Change that to say, "...isn't going to be what I need in order to enable me to continue a lifestyle of homosexual sin"

(which is probably true since they are a Christian based marriage counselor

Of course WE don't want a "Christian" anything, let alone a Counselor who will hold us accountable to God.

- rather than someone that has background in bisexual husbands and straight wives).

"rather than someone who embraces homosexuality as just a "normal" lifestyle."

Nevermind that the issue of marriage is EXCLUSIVE of ANY other involvement with anyone. Nevermind that Homosexuality is a sin and is, if unrepented of, one of the sins that would keep someone out of heaven.

Now it will probably be another week before we can get in anywhere.

"Anywhere" is just what your husband wants. Just so long as the "anywhere" does not tell him that homosexuality is a sin and a "wrong" lifestyle choice, let along that engaging with ANYONE outside of marriage is ADULTERY, which is also "prohibited" by God.

ScaredinGA, your husband NEEDS Christian counseling from a trained Christian counselor now more than ever. IF he is a Christian, he NEEDS to be hearing the Word of God, not the word of "man," in helping him to address both his homosexual "feelings" and his unfaithfulness to your marriage.

If YOU are a Christian, you have to put his soul "first" at this point before there will be ANY hope of "saving your marriage." If your husband does not first address his relationship with God, there will be little hope for your marriage, unless you are comfortable with the idea of "it's okay for him to cheat on you because 'he has these feelings."

Standing for God is not always easy. But neither is standing for a covenant marriage when sin of any type entices invades the marriage. Christians surrender their lives, all of it, to God as both Sovereign LORD and Savior. When someone accepts Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior, they "confess" their sins and TURN from them. Repentance means just that, sincere, heartfelt sorrow over one's sinful state and a CHOICE to "leave that life of sin" and follow after Christ in humble obedience to God's commands.

God KNOWS we are still weak and still in our fallen and sinful bodies, living in a sinful world. That is why God PROMISES to Christians in Philippians 4:13 that a Christian CAN do ALL things (no matter how hard or seemingly impossible the task) THROUGH Jesus Christ and the strength that He gives to a Christian. It is God's strength, not our own, that enables us to "overcome," to "repent," to choose to "leave a life of sin" and to receive forgiveness and restoration in Christ.

God knows the struggles we face in life and God NEVER commands us to do something without also providing all the means to OBEY His commands. THROUGH Christ is how God provides that strength and ability to "overcome" no matter how "beyond our ability" it may seem. "Surrender and obey" are not punative, but a loving response to a loving God who withheld NOTHING, not even the life of Jesus Christ, from us while we were lost in sin. God gave out of love then, and continues to give out of love today, not because we "merit" anything, but because Christ merits it and has included "his own" in the promises.

So please, for the sake of your husband's soul and for your marriage...INSIST upon a Christian counselor....assuming your husband considers himself to BE a Christian.

If perchance he is not, and you are, then you must make it clear that he MUST be totally faithful to you regardless of any "feelings" for anyone outside of the marriage, or the marriage is over. HOW and WHEN you might make such an ultimatum stance will have to be up to you, but let God and your interaction with your husband be your guide....and protect your children from a perverse "lifestyle."

God bless.

Scared,

I strongly disagree with Foreverhers.
Homosexuality is not a choice, but a way that human beings are born.
Your situation is truly different than many people's on this board and because of the strong right-wing Christian fraction here, I suspect that you will not get a whole lot of understanding. You can't flame a gay or a lesbian into a straight any more than you can take stripes off a zebra. You should seek a specialized counselor to get you through this.
Your H's crime is not his sexuality, but his dishonesty and infidelity. He has been living one big fat lie since he was 11. Yet, he is a victim of our society, too.
It's not your responibility to try to "reform" your WH's sexualtity, nor is it your responsibilty to companion him as he comes to terms with it.

Personally, I think you should scrap the M and concentrate on the well-being of your child and yourself. When you are feeling stronger, you can decide what role, if any, your WH can play in your life and the life of your child.

P.S. IMHO "Bi-sexual" is in this case is just WS babble: your H is quite likely homosexual.



Edited to take out the word queer: sorry in this part of the world gays and lesbians will often jokingly call themselve's queer --- I meant no offense.

This forum is about relationships and recovery – not Christianity. I am Christian heterosexual and have no problems with homosexuals in my religion. Let’s just say there is a lot of debate about homosexuality and religion and everyone must draw their own conclusion regarding that issue. I honestly don’t think we help by saying “tell your husband to not be gay”. He has probably been contemplating that for many years.

Your husband being bisexual should not be an issue for him. Part of the package deal called marriage is the commitment to curb one’s sexual drives and channel them towards the spouse. Some people can cope with open marriages and swinging (the exception) but there has to be an agreement up front about such issues.

If your husband is in all ways a good father and husband then his “outing” as a bisexual can possibly enhance your marriage. He is no longer carrying this darks secret around. However having an affair is something you should not accept. I might have certain sexual fantasies and tendencies and my wife can not fulfill. That does not give me the right to enact them outside the marriage. Demand that he is faithful.

Gay couples have the same problem as we do with affairs. There are no less expectations of honesty in a gay relationship. If your husband had a male partner and slept around with another (male or female) that partner would be just as hurt.

I wanted to say there are a lot of Christian counselors who are use to dealing with issues such as your own. I know a number of men who have dealt with same sex issues in their marriage. Many of these men have either come from abusive families, or were molested as kids or had traumatic problems along the way. Having someone compasionate who understands these issues is very important. http://www.exodus-international.org/ is an organization that also helps those trying to break free of same sex problems, whether they are single or married and they provide resources on where to go. If you are in the Atlanta, Georgia area there are some great resources available to you. www.northatlantachristian.org http://www.fbcw.org/ministries/cc/restoration/walkingfree/default.html . One other is http://www.bethesdaworkshops.org/ which is a week counseling session in Nashville, Tenn that is helpful to many people.

I have been a lurker here on this site for about 1.5 years. This site has helped myself and my partner through some very difficult times and I have found SH's concepts to be an excellent guide to having a fulfilling relationship. I have never once posted here though as I am an atheist. As a result we are not married in the legal sense and I therefore felt I could only partially subscribe to what is put forward in this site. Obviously, I also find it off putting to read the relgious based responses and views on here as they are alien to me and my beliefs. I am totally incensed however at ForeverHers response on this thread and, so much so that after over 1.5 years of lurking I have signed up in order to respond. It's scary to realise that these views still exist in 2005 and wholly unchristian, in terms of my understanding of christianity, to believe that someone is evil because they were born a certain way. Views of that nature lead to 8 millions deaths in WWII and it can only be described as religious fundamentalism in the extreme. I find the post highly offensive and believe me, as a heavy drinking, pub going, dope smoking, non stop cursing Irish man I am not easily offended.

I think bigger hit the nail on the head. This is about your husband coming to terms with his sexuality and whether he has been faithfull to you in his quest to date. It is perfectly possable for a couple to have a fulfilling marriage where one or both people are bi sexual. Where it becomes a problem is when one is unfaithful and that goes for any couple. Your husband needs to work out what he wants from this point and also needs to be honest about his past but do not right off a marriage until you know where he is at.

Good Luck.

ScaredinGA, we've heard from the anti-Christian crowd, and heard as was expected...your husband is "okay" to act out on his "feelings." This thread is not, and never has been, a debate about whether or not someone is "born" a homosexual or "chooses" to become a homosexual. It is about your double betrayal of Adultery and Homosexuality by your husband. From an "adultery standpoint," it doesn't matter if his partner in adultery is same sex or opposite sex, it's still a violation of the Marriage Covenant that the two of you entered into with God.

The issue is still his "acting" on his thoughts and desires. Regardless of the moaning of the anti-Christian crowd, MARRIAGE was estbalished and ordained by God as between ONE man and ONE woman...period. Now, I no more "expect" the naysayers to get "on board" with that idea as I "expect" a skyscraper to assemble itself without conscious human intervention and direction.

For YOU, and for your husband, the issue BEGINS with whether or not you have each accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior. We ALL come to Christ as sinners, and the sin of homosexuality is no different. Liars, cheaters, adulterers, thieves, etc.....some such were all of us.

We FORSAKE (give up the right to) our sinful past and proclivities and CHOOSE to follow Christ in humble obedience to the LORD of Lords and King of Kings. A "thief" may still have the desire to steal, and adulterer may still have the desire to chase after "strange," the homosexual may still have the desire to pursue same sex relationships, etc., BUT we CHOOSE to "deny self" and put "our rights" at that foot of the Cross out of love for what Jesus was willing to sacrifice for us WHILE WE WERE YET SINNERS and still totally undeserving of his love, let alone deserving of (or meriting) his dieing an agonizing death for us so that we would have the RIGHT to choose Life in Heaven or HeII.

ScaredinGA - People have chosen against Christ for a long time. People have railed against anyone who has the temerity to "stand for Christ" for a long time, including killing them. So a little anger from a few is not surprising nor unexpected, especially since the "Standards" of society have ordained that Homosexuality is "just another normal lifestyle," in rejection of God's clear denunciation of the practice of homosexuality...regardless of the reason someone wants to act on feelings of sexual attractiveness to the same sex.

So, since you started the thread with the revelation that you were both PLANNING, and SCHEDULED, to see a Christian counselor, I still assume, until you tell us otherwise, that BOTH you and your husband profess to have accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior and ARE Christians, despite what the other posters seem to want.

I look forward to your clarification on this critical issue and whether or not YOU want advice from a Christian perspective.

God bless.

A misconception about Christians, they don't hate a person because of their sin, they just hate the sin. If a mother always loves her son, but she will always disapprove of the things the son does wrong. It's the same concept. It's not the person, but the actions that are wrong. And here we have a husband who unfaithful to his wife, so those actions were wrong.

As I said in my previous post, it's possible for men to have same sex attractions and be married to women. And it's also possible for them to overcome those feelings once they learn where the root of those feelings came from. For many men who have found themselves in marriages, but have same sex attractions they have damaged emotional traumas from childhood. It was not something they were born with as many will claim. I know men personally who can tell me all the places in the life where they were impacted and how those impacts affected them for the rest of their life. Some men were molested by men and that became a comfortable way of life. Some men were so put down by their fathers and mothered so much they turned to their femine side for comfort and sought out male bonding. There are many reasons and only a therapist can work out some of these issues.

I wish the best and I will keep the couple in my prayers and support them.

AlmostRecovered - from what? Ever consider that your actions and beliefs that such actions are "okay" might be as equally "offensive" to others? But it's okay to "toss the Christians to the lions" and blame them for the "evils of the world," ala your reference to the Holocaust and Hitler's "justification" for the death camps.

I no more "advocate" stoning an adulterer to death as was the prescribed law for the Jews, or "condemn" a homosexual regardless of "how" they "became" a homosexual.

I am not in the least interested in the causes for, or the excuses for continuing in, SIN. We are ALL sinners and there is NO "unforgiveable sin," save one, and homosexuality is NOT it. BUT, those who practice homosexuality, as those who practice adultery in willful disobedience to God's commands and without repentance for their sin, will NOT be in heaven by God's decree, not mine.

People can attempt to twist Scripture all they want to "justify" sin, but the JUDGE will be God. God already demostrated His "judgment on homosexuality once in the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. God is quite clear that in God's eyes, homosexuality is an "abomination."

"Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral." (Hebrews 13:4 NIV) So, AlmostRecovered, your "beef" should be with God, not with someone who says something as simple as "obey God."

I submit that you would probably fall into the same "camp" as many atheists...you want God, especially the "Christian God," OUT of all life in America so we can choose to do whatever WE want to do without anyone being able to say it is "right" or it is "wrong." We want to be a god unto ourselves, establishing whatever Standards and Morality we want, regardless of it's depravity or "Rightness or Wrongness," and we CERTAINLY don't want anything to be called a "SIN!"

You may well get your wish, as many are choosing to NOT stand and take the "heat" of unbelievers or of those who "profess" Christianity without submitting their lives to God and His commands.

I'm not going to get sucked into a debate on this with you out of respect for the original poster as it's not relevant to the topic. I'd gladly debate it with you in a different forum but what's the point ? You hide behind religion, the bible and God and see everything in black and white. That's fundamentalism by the way. Your language is like that of a minister in the 1800's threatening fire and brimstone from the pulpit. I choose to put my faith in fellow man. You put it in an unseen, unknown, unproven entity. Six of one, half a dozen of the other. We're not going to change eachother so let's just leave it there.

Now back to the topic........

Actually there are quite a few examples in the Bible where members of the main cast of characters (e.g. Abraham) got married to more than one woman.

It's possible that the "One man / one woman, married out of love" marriage might be more a western creation than a biblical one.

I think what's more important is the covenant that you agree to at the commencement of the marriage, and your abiding by this covenant during the lifetime of the marriage.

On the issue of homosexuality, I prefer to look at what can be attributed as coming directly from God or his Son, i.e. the 10 Commandments, and Christ's teachings, not what any of the followers had to say (modern history is replete with examples of so-called christian ministers using and turning the word of God to suit their own sense of morality). None of the "direct" teachings mention homosexuality, but one of the Commandments is very clear on the issue of adultery. The members of a "christian" society that are up in arms about the gay lifestyle but are turning an increasingly blind eye to adulterous behaviour in their community need to reexamine themselves and their beliefs, IMHO.

I have not yet in this thread seen anyone say that the infidelity of ScaredinGA's WH is "okay". Nor have I seen anyone declare themselves as "Anti-Christian".

Fundamentalism has been used throughout history to suppress large segments of populations. Let's keep from polarizing.

We all agree that infidelity within a marriage is terribly wrong, without exception, or we wouldn't be here.

I'd like to quote Dr. Harley on his definition of one of the four major love busters, disrespectful judgments, " a disrespectful judgment occurs whenever someone tries to impose a system of values and beliefs on someone else."

Scared, So sorry you are here and this has happened.

About 14 years ago I was engaged to a man that I hadn't really known that long (only about 8 months). We started living together while planning the wedding. One day I came home from work early and found him and his best (male) friend having SF in our living room. I was SHOCKED!

After some very tearful fights and discussions, we split up and I moved out a couple of days later.

Now, I didn't have 24 years invested with this man, but I did know that I certainly did not have what it took to meet his needs.

Honestly, I think all of this comes down to what does your husband want? If you can be happy staying married to him and being his "beard", then so be it. It happens all the time. But what you thought you had before is gone.

Your H needs IC now. MC isn't going to do him much good. He needs to sort himself out at this moment. Finally acting on your homosexual feelings is HUGE step not to be taken lightly. He really needs to deal with that.

You should get some IC too. This was a major blow to you. Someone who's a professional should help you through this.

~Stop

ManinMotion - If you think that men doing something not in "accord" with God is "supportive" of your position, think again.


Okay, let's just look at couple of examples of what Jesus said and see if that meets your "criteria" as coming directly from Jesus.

[color:"red"]"Haven't you read,"[/color] he replied, [color:"red"]"that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, adn the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."[/color]
"Why then," they asked, "did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?"
Jesus replied, [color:"red"]"Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."[/color] (Matt 19:4-9 NIV emphasis added)

Jesus refers to the "way it was at the beginning." At the beginning God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, not Adam and Eve and Jane and Betty, not Ellen and Tom and [censored] and Harry, and NOT two men or two women. God brought Adam and Eve together, established Marriage, and pronounced it "very good." Anything else is a perversion of God's "plan" from the "beginning." Need further proof?

[color:"red"]"Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. I tell you the truth, until heaven and earth disappear,[/color] (referencing the second coming and the establishment of the new heaven and earth) [color:"red"]not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law[/color] (the Law is what is known as the Torah, not just the 10 Commandments)[color:"red"] until everything is accomplished. Anyone who breaks one of the least of these commandments and teaches others to do the same will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven. For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven."[/color] (Matt4:17-20 NIV emphasis added)



You would seem to argue for "selective" interpretation of the Scripture. God has revealed to us what He has chosen to reveal to us. I gather from your statement that you do NOT believe that the Scripture IS the "Word of God" in it's entirety, inerrant and inspired by God in total. Since you "toss out" anything written by anyone who was NOT Christ, why should even the Gospels be "accepted" as they were penned, not by Christ himself, but by his followers who wrote under the same inspiration of the Holy Spirit that the Old Testament writers wrote?

"Modern preachers" that you want to use as examples of "sinners" and not to be followed are NOT the same as the inspired authors of the Scripture books.

Paul, whom God chose and commanded to be the "Apostle to the Gentiles," was taught by Christ and imbued with the Holy Spirit. Paul wrote, under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit and from his understanding of ALL of Scripture as a Pharisee and his direct teaching by Jesus, the following:

"Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolators nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.
...Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is the a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God in your body." (1Cor 6:9-11,16-20 NIV emphasis added)

Do NOT make the mistake of "limiting" Paul's caution against sexual sin to "just adultery with a member of the opposite sex. "Sexual sin" is a much more inclusive term.

WOW! What a bunch of posts. I have not had a chance to read them all (which I will after work), but I do want to make it clear that the extent of my husband's infidelity is that he has had thoughts(and one kiss - does a kiss make an affair????)! Other than that, he is with me and knows he couldn't come home to me after he has been with someone else. He says he is confused but thinks he knows the route he wants/needs to go to feel whole. I want to respect that, but I also don't want to let him go if he so chooses that it isn't what he wants and it was just so hard since he has had it repressed for so long. Now the secret is out. Does that mean that he can relax now about it? Only he knows that.

More tonight. THANKS FOR ALL THE INPUT!

I'm off the subject just a little, but if you are looking for references in the Bible, the only person God ever commended to Satan for his integrity was Job. Job was married to one and only one woman.

God's intent was 1 man, 1 woman in marriage, but sin corrupted that intent. And that was the point Jesus was making in the verse Foreverhers was quoting above.

To ScaredinGa, keep talking with your husband now that he has opened up to you. And remember this is something he has carried for a long time and it is not about you. He will probably need individual counseling to deal with his issues and they are his issues to deal with. You may need your own counseling to understand how to cope with what he is going through and how to deal with your own emotions. Right now joint marriage counseling may not be what you need, but will be something you may need later on.

Again, I wish you the best and I will be praying for you. Look at the links I shared and maybe they will be able to help you. Exodus International while it may seem overwhelming at first has helped many married couples who have been in similar situations as yourself. And there are churches that support the organization.

Ok listen everyone - scardinGa needs our help not dicussions on religion. She has a serious issue here.

Now listen if he is truely feeling no sexual feelings for you that is a major sign. He may have had this repressed due to social and family pressures. If he is truely gay there is nothing you can do. It does not mean that you can not be friends. But you have to think about yourself as well. You need to be able to have that intimacy that a husband brings to a M.
My son is gay. It is a hard life for him. He once said he wishes he like women it would be a whole lot easier. He has a woman friend that was in love with him. She was so hurt because he would not be involved with her. He knew it would break her heart in the long run.Your H is going thru a very difficult time right now. But you do need to get ck'd out -just in case. He has not been honest with you for your whole R. He may not have told you everything. This is soemthing he needs IC to help him. However you also should see your own IC to help you thru what you are going thru. It will be hard to tell your DD15. She may need help as well.

bump

Wow, ScaredinGA!

I think that it is amazing and quite commendable that you are willing to stand by your WH! Who knows where this may go? Your H may desperatly need your understanding now, but you do need to protect yourself and look after yourself. Remember that his sexuality is his issue, it's not about you, you're not at fault. He has got to work this out with IC. I wish you lots of strength to get through this!