Can I ask if you have struggles with anxiety? And have those struggles persisted over your adult life?

Please forgive me for the short answers and questions, while I am at work. I was trying to think through your situation. I am a recovery SA. After 30 affairs in a 2 year period I finally came to realize I had a problem I had to deal with. My problem was not my, not my marriage, but me. For years I tried to make to put the problem elsewhere because it was easier to let the problem rest somewhere else. But when I hit the bottom I realized the problem was mine alone to deal with. I had to uncover years of emotional damage from childhood and even damage that was done in my marriage that I was responible for. I let things happen instead of stepping in and setting boundaries. And if you are looking for acceptance then probably you have allowed boundaries to be crossed and you probably have allowed things to happen that normally most people would have stopped. And if you have dealt with any anxiety like I have, you add that on top and it make a nastly mixture just waiting for disaster. Emotions are submerged and anxiety is boiling under the surface needing a way to escape and for me the escape was finding someone to validate me, to make me feel accepted, to feel wanted and desired. Affairs always include sex, but that wasn't the goal, the goal was fulfilling the emotional needs.

Does that sound familiar in any way?

Ok...I guess the answer is that I just need to let my H go and let him find someone who will be a good wife to him and will love and accept him for who he is and will be a good role model for the kids. I guess I'm just not marriage or mother material which is fine. Some people are just wired that way and others are not. I would think it would be better for someone to come and be what my H and children need than for me to stay and cause problems. I'm getting a lot of the "you've got to take responsibilty for your actions" deal but I haven't heard what you do about all of this stuff. Sure, it's great to sit there and say "you need to do this and you need to do that" but that doesn't solve anything. I've been to counseling, I've been to church and I've been to group therapy. While I'm not in the dark anymore about why I am the way I am I still have not had anyone tell me what you do about all of this crap. How do I get rid of all of the feelings of rejection and stuff I've had since I was a kid? I know what is causing me to do the things I do but there is nothing to tell you what you do about it. Has anyone else been able to overcome all of this? How did you do that?

Sort of but I was told by many counselors that I have an anger problem and that was the cause of most of my depression. I have a lot of self loathing and anger towards me and unforgiveness towards myself as well. I was also told that I have a lot of unforgiveness towards my mother and father as well as a lot of anger. I believe that anxiety is a little different. I've let men use me for so long that it's just an automatic thing. I don't even think about it. That's where the "trouble with men" thing comes along. Even as a teen I was promiscuous and would have sexual relationships with many guys. No, I wasn't sexually abused but emotionally I was. Still, no one has told me what you do with all of this knowledge. Ok, so I know why I do the things you do but no one has told me what to do to get rid of all of this. I've been on medication (I was diagnosed as being bi-polar), I've been to church and had the "God can heal you and fix your problems" thing, and I've had group therapy where all of us sit in a group and tell each other our stories. Nothing has worked. I still feel the same way. I still keep screwing up everyone's life including my own. It's like being on a merry-go-round that never ends

I don't want this to come across the wrong way, but what I hear in your posts is this:

"Poor pitiful me. I grew up with all these problems and now I'm just so screwed up, nobody should want me. I want to draw attention to myself and get people to feel sorry for me."

Maybe I'm just missing it?

You say you have been to "years of counseling." You say you know what all the problems are. Yet you say you have no solutions to those problems? I would say it's time to get a better counselor. I suspect, however, there's a lot more to it than that. Perhaps you have not implemented suggestions you were given. Perhaps you gave up when the going got tough. Whatever the case, I'm afraid there is only one person who can do something about that -- YOU.

Keep posting here and perhaps some of the veterans can help walk you through some things to help.

Todd

So far, 2 years, and 2 months and counting that I have been able to overcome my problem. Of course I am still fine tuning and working on it.

How did I do it? I found the right counselor, the right accountability group, the right friends and my wife while not very happy initially was at least willing to stay married while I worked on my issues. It was hard work and still is sometimes just fighting through some of the emotional issues.

Plus I found I have a slight amount of OCD anxiety, which locks me into a lot of my thought patterns. Once I got on the right medication a lot of the thoughts that we driving me in the wrong direction went away. I can say that was about a 40% change in my life. The other 60% has come from the counseling.

I think you can be a good wife. I think you can be more than you give yourself credit for. I think you were beat down as a kid and that self image still lives on even though you are more than that.

What you could do is put all the crappy choices down and walk forward to a life of better choices from here on out.

You can focus on your kids and your husband and how you can serve others. You can take the focus off of yourself and be a giver for a while. If you try to live like that for a while you just may find that your contentment may follow. Have you ever heard that it is more blessed to give than to receive.

You have tried it your way...now try another way.

Your kids need a mom they can trust and love who loves them enough to be there for them. You can be that person.

Love is a decision....a choice that you can make. You are seem to believe that it is a feeling that just happens through no choice of your own. That, I believe is flawed thinking.

Make different more positive choices and you just may get some more positive results.

Rise to the occasion. You are capable of being better that you have been. Don't give up..gather all your strength and try a better path.

I was reading the other part of your post about being angry towards your mother and father and having a lot of unforgiveness towards them. Hmmm, I had some of those issues. Except I didn't have a father in my life because he was an extemely abusive alcoholic who my mother left when I was a baby and I never saw him. Extreme defined by someone who beats, shoots a gun at and tries to run the other person over with a car. So there is some dysfunction in my family and I haven't even gotten to some of the better parts.

I guess what I was told is my mother given her situation did what she could do and even though it wasn't the best, even though it was dysfunctional, it was what she could. And now I have to live with it and make the best of it and choose what to do from here. So I have had to look at the dysfunction, analyse what went wrong, what was good, what was bad, and pick out the parts that worked and keep those parts and add new parts that seem to work for me and my family. Still some things fail for me and my kids will have to do the same. In the bible I think they refer to it as the sins of the father will be visted upon the sons and their children. Dysfunction keeps going, but we improve on it, if we try to.

Depression, anxiety they are cross opposites of each other. Stay depressed long enough you become anxious. Stay anxious long enough you become depressed.

I still think you can kick this thing. If I kicked after dealing with mine for years. I know you can kick yours. Don't give up. You are too valuable a person to give up on yourself.

I guess I just don't care....I'll leave and let my H find someone else. He reads this site so I'll let him know to post so you guys can help him deal with all of this. Thanks!

Wow, just reading through the posts and it sounds like you have a desparate cry for help. Don't give up yet!!! There are some who listen and want to help. Keep talking I want to hear what you have to say.

sick kitten,

""I guess I just don't care....I'll leave and let my H find someone else.""

Boy, I guess you just REALLY don't care!! So, take care!! Don't let the screen door hit you on the butt on the way out!! Thanks for stopping by!!

SERIOUSLY...HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN?? They are your kids, correct? How do you feel about motherhood. Are you off your meds?? (being BI-POLAR = meds, correct?)

You come here, lay it all out for us, and then just bail when you don't hear what you want?? It's like you pride yourself on being WEAK!!!

ASK-ME seems to be giving you some concrete substantial advise...like what you are asking for.

You ask what you can do, but way down deep in your heart DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE?!?!?

The high road is up-hill. You must have the willingness, stregnth, and determination to do it.

k

I was wondering after I read this ....

do you have a need to view yourself as an honest faithful non-adulterous woman?

in other words.....

what needs are there of yours that supersede being a good person?

is it worth trashing your personal morals and ethics .... in order to be with any man?

You stop doing the things that people would reject you for.
Stop cheating, be a good mother, don't go out the door if you feel you are going to get in trouble. Follow His Needs/Her Needs. And follow God.

Stop using your illness and past to gain attention or an excuse to do what you do. Some don't want to get well so they can continue in the error of their ways. You may go to church, go to therapy, but you have to be a doer, not just a listener/talker. You will continue to be an angry, shameful until you Want to change, and make every attempt to change. Insanity means doing the same things over and over expecting different results. Your results will be the same until you do what is right.

Love, Lady

Ok I don't understand you people. You say that I should stop doing this and be a good mother to my kids. OK. So don't you think that I am doing them a favor by getting out of their lives? I've had a parent who was physically around but not emotionally available to me. I also had a parent that was absent physically and emotionally. I am the same way so my way of thinking is I love my kids enough to know that I am unable to give them what they need. My H is able to give them what they need. Why should I hurt my kids and H anymore and just get out of their lives. So I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't here. If I stay I'm just a shell and "dead" to everyone. With me gone though they can find someone who can provide that love and will be emotionally available to them. The way I see it I'm doing them a service by getting out of their lives. Just because you have kids doesn't make you a good parent. Just look at all the abused kids out there. However, the same kids might have a better chance if their good-for-nothing parents left them with someone who could take care of them and who could provide them with emotional availability. I am just not capable of such a thing with anyone. Maybe I just like being this way. Have you people ever thought of that?

Why are you so angry with the board?

We are only talking to you, a virtual stranger... and having a discussion.

Getting angry is only a diversion .... you anger is like static in your brain .... anger blocks problem-solving.

Shelve being angry and try being curious instead... as in:

"Hmmmmm I wonder what life would be like if I did not jump ship when things get difficult for me."

Yep, You're doing them a favor by getting out of their lives.

Love, Lady

No, I don't to answer your first question. Furthermore, I really don't believe I am trashing my morals and ethics. I'm sorry that I posted on this site. Most of what I'm hearing is I'm basically a scummy human being because I want to be with another man. Well, you know I believe that murdering people for the heck of it is scummy human behavior. I believe that people who abuse their children are scummy people behavior, I believe that stealing is scummy people behavior. At least I was honest about this other guy with my H. H has always known about this OM and I wasn't covering anything up H knew about everything. I even had H's blessing to be with OM at first. However, I understand that many of you are the jilted spouses and you have these feelings toward us WS's and I understand where you're coming from. I get the impression though that most of you on here are in this category and so I'm going to get the "you're a really crappy person for doing this" mantra. Well, that's fine too. I've said all that I have said and have gotten one or two posts that have been helpful. The rest of them have not. I appreciate all your help.

Me: do you have a need to view yourself as an honest faithful non-adulterous woman?


You: No, I don't to answer your first question.

Thanks for answering the question.

I won't ask you anything more.

Take care.

My father in law is bi-polar and I know not one thing anyone says here will be helpful to you in your current condition nor will anything change in your life until you:

1. Ackowledge your brain is permanently sick
2. Seek medical assistance
3. Take the medication
4. Monitor the medication for effectiveness
5. Give up control and the ever constant monitoring of your condition to friends, family, physicians and love ones.

FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

You have been DIAGNOSED with a serious medical condition that often results in death. For your sake. For your children's sake. For your husband's sake. For everybodies sake. Take my advice.

Mr. Wondering

Nah - cause then I would be a crappy person and so would my husband - it's not you that's crappy - it's your actions that are. So you were honest with your husband - great- so are so many other BS's on here - doesn't make it hurt anyless when you are chosen SECOND.

Its not you that is crappy - it's your life choices, it's your morals. You don't have to be that way - if you choose to - it's your choice - but remember that you are teaching your kids that morals don't matter - only doing what feels good matters...drugs feel good - alcohol feels good - so does sex and even one night stands...what kind of adults will they be?

They are NOT better off without you - but they do deserve a better role model - and that responsibility fell on you when you had them.

Time to figure out who you want to be and be that person - if this is the kind of person you like being, then I am sure many MB's members here are sorry we wasted your time. no one is telling you that YOU are a crappy human being - they are saying what you are doing is crap - and I feel your husband probably feels the same way even if he wont say so and that's why he treats you the way he does.

Perhaps instead of him changing - if you truly did - you would be loved the way i think you really want to be loved.

This applies to you whether you are bi-polar or not.

You came to MB - so I am assuming that you aren't happy with where your life is as much as you say you like living this way - you wouldn't have posted for help...so as harsh as some people's comments are - maybe you should weed through the harshness and hear what they are saying.