My H had to go to a meeting yesterday, and when he walked in the room he saw FOW sitting in the room. Apparently they have to work together on something, and they are [color:"red"]suppose to go to dinner [/color] as a group. H says he is NOT going, and that he will be sick that day. I want to believe him, but I trusted him once before with this person and never will again. If that does not make it bad enough, he continued to talk about the details last night, and got mad at me for getting upset. He got even more upset when I told him that she was the last person on earth I wanted to hear about or see, and that I would prefer if she fell off the face of the earth, or got killed.

I am super sick to my stomach, and do not know how to behave or how to think or anything. H is fixated on it at the moment, saying he wants nothing to do with this project.

I do not understand why it is that all of a sudden she is now working in the same company as my H, and why she keeps "showing up" at these things that H has to go to, to me it seems a little convenient. She was also trained by the same person H was, who is also the same person renting a house from us... is it just me or is this just all too convienient?

It also goes with his "I am going to be really nice" phase, and the fact that he is emotionally distant, and physically distant as well. I do NOT THINK that he is back having a A with her, but this all just seems to fit....anybody?

so am I suppose to sit here and do nothing? Oh and I added on to the above post. I feel almost like D-day all over again, only this time H told me, and is saying he wants nothing to do with her, but I do not believe him, his actions and tone of voice are not the same as his words.

Well of course you're going to be completely stressed by this...but on a positive note, at least he told you about her being there, and has offered some kind of positive action (not going that day). Sounds like a start at least.

But you've got every right to be upset...it's a violation of NC, even if it 'appears' that it wasn't setup by your H. And you well know what the risk of violating NC is...so it only makes sense that this is a major setback.

It sounds to me like the two of you need to POJA a plan for dealing with this in the short term, and come up with a long term plan for getting her completely out of your lives. Perhaps moving?

Of course we've got no way to know if their 'mentor' has anything to do with this or not.

Ask your H what his plan is for reassuring you, and for ensuring the safety of your marriage given this change.

With all due respect KMEJ......"doing nothing" about this situation with your abusive husband is ALL you have been doing for the past year.

I ask you ....what's so different about this situation ?

Ditto... KMEJ, add this to the many reasons to kick him to the curb.

Ouch- that hurt a little. I guess the answer to your statement is that I am scared, been scared, still scared. Now I am even more scared that he is going to chose her over me...again. With how much that has gone on, I am not sure how else to explain it any other way then being scared of change, I moved out of parents and in with him a week after turning 18, and I have always been scared of change. Right now I am dazed with the thought of them in the same company again and being assigned to work on a project for the company together, Even more bothered that OW is friends with our renter- way to many flags right now.

I'm not sure, but, I think the best thing that could ever happen for you KMEJ is if he DOES choose the OW. It wouldn't be over you, it would just be a choice....try not to confuse the two.

KMEJ, you are no longer an 18 year old girl. You are a grown woman with children that need you to model strength. Please stop letting this man run your life. Step up and get out of that marriage. Show your children what a woman does when a man abuses her. Show your DS's how a man should treat his wife not how their dad does it. Please!

KMEJ:

Warning....2 x 4's coming

1. Your scared.......SO WHAT???? We are all scared....BUT, one has to stop being a coward to that fear..and face it.

2. You need to stop everything and read my byline. The fact is, YOU DON't GET IT...your issues with youe WH have been and are way more than this OW...As Rookev said...her taking him from you would be the best thing that could ever happened to you...at least your fear couldn't get in the way of protecting your children.

Ugggh...sigh!!!!!

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

KMEJ,

I am proud of you for identifying your reasons for staying - very proud. It took a lot of courage to explore and admit that.

If it helps, I understand completely how you feel. I have always been afraid of change, too...unnaturally afraid...so afraid that I would rather choose a bad situation over the unknown, just because at least with the bad I would know what to expect.

I know it's so hard to look at things objectively when you are sitting squarely in the middle of them. It's so much easier for all of us to sit here and tell you what you should do, when we don't have to deal with the consequences of the choices we're suggesting you make - you do. Your children do, also.

I stayed in my former abusive marriage for the same reason - fear. Isn't that odd? At first glance, it doesn't seem to make sense, does it? There's fear when you are abused, isn't there? The difference is it's a fear you have learned to cope with. It's scary to think of the new coping skills you would have to learn if you left. You doubt that you are up to the task?

KMEJ - has it occurred to you that if you have the coping and survival skills to deal with an abusive marriage, that you can most likely deal with anything else that comes your way???

It's true.

You can cope with anything that comes your way. You already know how to survive. In fact, your survival skills are quite sharp. To be able to deal with your situation and still have the presence of mind to be honest with yourself and others regarding your reasons, and to continue to come here and post at all, despite the 2x4's that you get thumped with...

Lady, you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Here is something for both you and I, and any other CA (change avoiders) to ponder...

If you choose to remain in a bad situation because you know what to expect, you are squelching any possibility for happiness, safety, and the well-being of not only yourself, but for your children, too.

Something for just you to ponder...

You mentioned that you are scared your WH is going to choose OW over you. Ask yourself, KMEJ, what would you be losing? Make a list. What would you lose if he left you?

Then make another list. What would you gain - not what COULD you gain - if you are afraid of unkowns, then you don't have to look at them right now. I mean, what would you for sure have to gain?

One more thing, about those red flags...

Red flags are never something to be ignored. If your gut is telling you something, you should explore it (not necessarily by questioning him).

Frozen, I guess I am scared that he will find happiness, and he would have been right, that I was the cause of all the problems in the relationship. Stupid huh! I mean really what is my deal. sometimes I think I am still under my fathers thumb and not a grown woman.

KMEJ,

It is possible that he will find happineness, even with her. A man who is so thoughtless as to have an affair and be abusive to the woman he vowed to cherish may completely change and be thoughtful and faithful with the "right" woman. Once he made a commitment to you, there should have been no search for a "right" woman. You should have had no competition whatsoever from any other woman on the face of the earth.

Abuse fog, KMEJ. His willingness to be unfaithful and abusive has NOTHING to do with you. Your willingness to tolerate infidelity and abuse is about you.

Part of my problem has been the overarching desire to please another. First it was my father. Then it was my husband. There was no attention whatsoever to my needs.

Has that been what has happened to you? Let your husband know that you would be very hurt by continued contact with OW. If he is willing to accept a situation in which you feel hurt and afraid, if he isn't willing to explore other alternatives that would make you feel comfortable, that reveals a continuing willingness ON HIS PART to have you suffer. His willingness to let you suffer is about HIM. Your willingness to tolerate suffering is about YOU.

Bottom line: both abuse and infidelity are extreme variants of thoughtlessness. Leave. Pick up and move.

You have three young chidren. Consider what would happen to them if the stress of the situation you are in overtakes your health and you can no longer care for them.

Cherished

In the event you did not see my former post, I posted on your former thread. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You have to start seeing your self worth...

Your happiness is not dependent upon him and his not on you. You make your own happiness. He is a grown man, he doesn't need you to make him "happy". If he would be happier elsewhere, maybe you would too. I know its hard to see that now, but think about that possiblity.

Of course its hard to let go, or to change but sometimes its needed. Have faith in yourself and your judgement & don't be scared to do what's right. Make the choices that are right for you and your children.

Take Care,

Miker

this is what I have read at a mayo site.
"When you live in an environment of chaos, stress and fear, you start doubting yourself and your ability to take care of yourself," says Patterson. "It can really unravel your sense of reality and self-esteem." SO TRUE.

My health is starting to revert back, I am thinking I need to go back on my Lexapro to control my moodswings, which are back in full force again.

KMEJ,
Your willingness to post here will help you to see that there are points of view other than your husband's point of view that this is YOUR problem. Please keep posting, even if people feel frustrated by your inaction.

I told no one of the abuse except Sophia and that was to scare her away. Well, she thought I was to blame too and "comforted" Tom for having to go through dealing with me being so upset about his breaking my arm. Your emailing people here will help you.

And, by the way, my H is now gone Monday through Friday. That helps with clearing the fog, too. You might want to consider some sort of informal separation -- you go somewhere with the kids -- as a way to help you get away from his mind control.

I'm not out of the fog, I know, but I think I'm more out of the fog than you. And two things that have helped me have been getting away from my husband and being on MB.

Cherished

Cherished, thank you for the insight. I hope you are doing well. I am sorry that you are still in that situation. I am sorry I feel compelled to stay in mine. even though it feels more and more different as the time goes on.

[color:"green"] KMEJ

Hears what we do. I'll bring over some jumper cables and a battery. I'll hook it up to his testicals and show him a pic of the OW shoking him. After about a month he will be cured. You may nat get muchh out of him for a while but it will be worth it. Ok so I'm just kiding. Hang in there. [/color]

The one good thing about my H is that he is telling me about her, that she was there, otherwise I would have been none the wiser. so I am greatful for that. He has been careing on the phone, and when I asked him to go to the store to get medicine for the boys on his way home from bowling last night he did so with out complaining. So I am not sure if he is trying to show me that he is committed and does not want me to worry, or he is trying to hide something.

KMEJ,
You never know why he told you.

It may be that he's already been seeing this OW and it's just easier for him if you accept that she's going to continue to be in his life.

My H is not officially separated from me but he's gone Monday through Friday. Is there any way, even with no official Plan B, that you can have less to do with the thoughtless man your husband has become?

Cherished