Today I am at a crossroads. MM pointed out something in another post to me today that made me reflect on where I am in recovery and what the next steps should be. After thinking about this all afternoon, I know he is right and I have decided to make some changes in my life in order to continue down the road of recovery. After tonight, I will be taking some time off from visiting this site.

I found this site about three weeks after D-Day. I have found MB to be a tremendous resource for rebuilding relationships, sympathizing with others situated similarly to me and finding hope and strength even at the darkest hours. I know that I have offended some, maybe even helped some others but the advice and support offered by this entire community will never be forgotten by me and my FWW.

A special thanks the Mr. Wondering. We had some email communication that was a critical part of the rebuilding process for both me and my wife. His insight and perspective was valuable and I have seen other posts that demonstrate that he is truly a remarkable person that has the ability to positively impact others.

My crossroads at this point is that I have to be able to resolve my resentment towards the OM and find some closure with him. I have been able to do this with my wife but somehow it is so much more difficult with him. After D-Day I prayed every day that God would replace my pain with compassion and allow me to take the steps I needed to save my marriage. He answered my prayer and we have been very successful in starting a new life that is based on radical honesty, joint agreement, true love and intimacy and meeting each others needs. Now I have to turn my focus to finishing the healing process by somehow finding a way to forgive the OM and turn my "hate" for him into indifference.

He has made it especially difficult for me not to hate him and if it hadn't been more than 10 years after the A before D-Day I am quite sure that the next time that I saw him, something bad would have happened. Fortunately he lives more than 2,000 miles from us and we would only see him a few times a year in crowded places where he has to make a special effort to make contact. My wife has turned him away every time he has tried to contact in the past and now that he knows that I know, perhaps he will try to blend into the crowd a little better in order to not be noticed.

I haven't decided exactly how that I am going to proceed. In accordance with our POJA, I have to discuss the options with my W and we have to agree how this can be handled. My IC agrees that it is perfectly acceptable for me to let him know what boundaries that we have established. Those boundaries are NC with anyone in our family including my wife's brothers who used to be friends with him (they don't know what happened but over the years have realized what an impotent, self serving jerk he is and have drifted away.) He lost the opportunity to have any association with her family once he and my wife made the decision to fulfill each others needs instead of looking towards their own marriages and family for a support system. I will probably call him or write him just to make sure that we are on the same page. After that, I am just going to pray. Pray that the Lord continues to give me strength to continue to recover. Pray that I can use this experience to become a better person, a better husband, a better father, a better follower of Jesus. Pray that if OM has not repented for his sins against me that when his day comes, that the Lord will still try and find compassion in dealing with him. Pray that others in a time of marital crisis will find each other instead of some stranger or friend. Pray that all those who are unable to reconcile after an A will be able to move on with their lives and find someone who will truly give them happiness and fulfill their needs.

And most importantly, I am going to pray for all the BS's in the world. That they may find the strength to carry the cross of their marriage until thier WS either recovers his/her mental capacity or they boot them out the door.

Finally, I sincere thank you to all of you whom are posters on this site. So many have made an impact on me and/or my wife. I will be back some day, hopefully with new insight and advice for those who are experiencing the pain of an A. But when I come back, I will have resolved all of my personal issues with my FWW's A and the OM involved and can focus my efforts on helping others instead of using the site to solve my own.

Me (BS) 41
FWW 39
PA 3/94 through 11/94
NC since 3/95 except for occasional contacts by OM which were promptly turned back.
Strongly recovering

Best of luck in healing your marriage.
You are one of the lucky ones, the affair died long ago, and now its just you making peace with the results. I know you will make it.

Sincerely,
K.D.'s Heartbreak

Thank you for your kind words.

Hope to see you back real soon. I enjoyed teaming up with you today. If you ever find yourself in Detroit or Atlanta after about June of next spring drop me a line. I will be commuting to Detroit for business even after we move so I could catch up with you here even after the family moves down south.

May God bless you and keep you and yours.

Mr. Wondering

Mr. Wondering:

I will keep in touch. Best wishes to you and Mrs. Wondering. Know that I will keep your email and advice at heart for many years to come. Good luck on your move.

Good luck. Remember, trust the Lord and follow Him. No way you can go wrong that way.

In Hisarms.

all the best to you and your wife nottoday!!! thanks for sharing.