Ever waited and waited and waited and waited for someone to "wake up?" I read some on here admitting they were behaving stupidly in their marriages, hindsight is 20-20 when you "wake up" and realize what your part in a separation/divorce is... but what about the people who don't have a clue, who continue to blame the other person although they were mostly at fault, those who think they are perfect or are simply in denial, cold hearted and don't care, or just too self centered to even comprehend how they hurt someone... ie my husband that I left in Dec.

Dobson's book Tough Love says one hope of "waking up" a jerk for a husband is to leave him, long enough that he'll see what a you know what he's been and will treat his wife better. Dobson is sick of some much divorce, so am I. I don't want one but I won't go back and be treated like THAT. I'd like to think Dobson was wise, usually his is, but in this case of mine, it's hasn't worked. No one is waking up on the other end, not at all. Life is about him, all about him. He ought to be trying to make this better, rebuilding trust instead he's playing games and the biggest one is the blame game, that it was all me. Crazy, I even put him in jail for domestic violence and he still thinks he did nothing wrong, no one in his classes did either, just barely if at all he said. DV counselors said this would be the case, Dobson is wrong. I don't need to wait, I have waited 10 months now and quite frankely everyone is tired of hearing this story about this man I married, how awful he treated me, how I left him, moved back, got preg, had a baby, he got mean again, left him again... and duh, should I divorce the guy. When's he going to "wake up."

It's just that I've read so many stories on the internet about men who look back feeling so horrible about what they've done. They've usually done far less wrong then this man I married and they are admitting it. It's wonderful on one hand to read, real men, not afraid to share like this. Willing to grow and change, willing to try it differently if their wives will let them. Iv'e chatted with a few personally through emails, guess they are bigger men than the one I married. He seems like such a little boy, so rediculous these days, so in denial, so silly. Yet I feel sorry for him too, what a sad way to go through life, losing marriages and jobs, unable to look at one's self and try to grow. Left behind as others grow and leave you. What a sorry way to live, to be so judgemental and rude, so cruel, protecting himself and being so hurtful at the same time.

Guess I'm at my wit's end. Never thought it would come to this. Iv'e been told it's impossible to understand him, he's irrational and not healthy. Since I left him I gave him time, the benefit of the doubt and he's continued to behave like an idiot over and over again, not prompted by me, as I've kept my temper for months now, been cool and collected. Shrinks told me all along it wasn't me, it was him acting out craziness. Guess I'd need a phd in counseling, and even at that I likely wouldnt' get through to him, counselors tried. I thought I could figure it all out, my current counselor says I could right a book on the subject, maybe I will. Men and violence, two lives, denial, hurt, shame, the works. My life the past four plus years married to him, being drug down to his stupidity, partially brain washed, silly enough to believe in change, that he would and could change, especially when he saw how much he hurt me. He didn't see it, he didn't even hurt me.

What a crazy world, I'm ready to get off this merry go round, no more waiting and waiting and waiting for my husband to change and grow up. My little boy and I have moved on more then I think so says my current shrink. I've worked out, lost weight, am learning Spanish, expanding my business, making money, dealing with my dad's death, going back to church, talking to God, closer to family and friends, even a few new friends... I was very alone in this marriage, anyone is when they live with a monster like this. What I can't get to the bottom of is this - will he not wake up (as we women like to think men will do, that we can change them) because he's been awake the entire time, knowing he was cutting me down, removing me from family, moving towns, tying me down with a baby he wouldn't help with, criticizing me, hurting me, blaming it all on me - was he awake during this and did it give him some sick sense of power? Or was he asleep and continues to be....?????

Horsey,

I have not posted in a long time, but read posts almost daily. It shocked me today to see your post. I was feeling kind of disappointed and particularly lonely this morning and wondering if anyone could feel the pain that I feel. I look up and find your post and read it and realize that I am not alone and neither are YOU!!!

I know what it's like to go through what you have gone through - we all do, but our stories are almost scarringly the same. One difference is I have Two babies and my STBX H had an A/OC.

I have waited for the past two years for him to wake up. Nothing,but minor changes have been made and I only think he does this to sucker me back in. So you must ask yourself will it ever get any better and is waiting for it going to help you? It is hard to do this when you love these people, but I have had to ask myself as weel Is this really love? I don't think so? Love is an action and I don't see any actions on his part that even remotely represent that he loves me. I see that he wants to control me and our marriage while doing whatever he wants to do.....

You should be able to see it --- feel it--- know it!!!!
I have learned that I can't do it alone and my kids deserve better. I grew up with my mother and father in the home working together and showing us what love really was. I have gone back and realized that I have settled for what I thought was the only love I could get and I was wrong. There are good men out there that want to be there for you and your son. Someone is out there to give you the love you need, want, and deserve, but you have to let go of the unhealthy stuff first.

"When God closes on door he opens another" and just maybe this is not who he sent for you anyway!!! If he is the one that God has for you then he will return him to you healed, remorseful, and a better man. I am reminded of a Quote that goes something like this "If you love something a lot then you must let it go and if it returns then so does the love, but if it does not then it was never meant to be" that is what I think we shopuld do for ourselves as well as the other person. Let them go and be free, for only then can you decide what you want your life to be.

I am sorry if I sounded so preachy, but I know what you are going through and I was just struggling with this same issue this morning - when I decided that I want more for me and my kids for the final time (I am waiting to go to Divorce court).

I'll be in prayer for you and if you need to talk just Post it and I'll answer you. I wish you the best and all that life has to offer you--- I wish you Peace, today.

Bye,

W2E

horsey2:

Don't think it's only men who are like this. WXW is very much the same. Like you, I could tell stories that are sadly true - and so bizarre that I would never have believed them; had I not experienced them.

The keyword to all of this is "selfishness". Unfortunately, there are those who never learned - and will never learn what it means to look in the mirror and consider their role in conflict and problems. It's impossible to make any type relationship work with those people. They will move from relationship to relationship in search of "the one" who will make them happy. Problem is: They'll never find "the one". They will forever search though.

I think Dobson's reference in 'Tough Love' is for those who are at least reasonably accountable - but have slid into a rut, so to speak. With those people - a wake-up call such as that you describe will often work. And as you aptly described; the wake-up call usually jolts them into becoming a fine and responsible mate for the remainder of their life. If you think about it - all of us have needed wake-up calls at various points in our lives. Only those who remember the reasons for those wake-up calls and the pain they caused will enjoy their lives.

Sorry you're feeling down. You might want to consider drawing a line in the sand about how long to wait. In my case - I had to do this, for my own and my DD's sake. I seriously doubt that WXW will ever "wake up" as she's been that way most of her life, her family is that way and so on. You're right, it's a crazy world! Good Luck.

Horsey, your husband won't wake up. Waking up implies that he wasn't aware of what he was doing and once he's aware, he'll care. Your Husband doesn't give a hoot. {{{{{{{Horsey}}}}}}}
I know it stinks to think that. I knew my STBX did give a hoot about me.

I think the trick is to realize you were taken in by a Slickmeister who is either possessed by a demon or has a serious, incurable condition like being stonehearted. As such, how he values you and your son is of no import. After all, you wouldn't want Balezebub (spelling disaster) to think you were awesome. What would that say about you?

I'm glad to hear your counselor thinks you're doing well. That's great news.

Also, keep in mind, what Dobson and others object to is not simply divorce. They object to marriages that aren't marriages because one or both people insist on remaining individuals and not becoming "we." They object to people who have a fight and then call their attorneys. They object to the easy way people make and break their vows without a thought. They object to the way spouses take each other for granted and aren't good stewards of each other and the marriage. All of which leads to divorce. Like Thorned Rose said, divorce isn't the disease, it's just the symptom of the disease.

When people have been on MB for years trying to save their marriages, and they finally decide the marriage can't be saved, they aren't being cavalier. I doubt Dobson, Dr. Harley, your pastor, or others would find fault with you letting go of the charade marriage you've been subjected to.

Yes I have waited.

People with no conscience can not wake up. There is no inner voice, no knowledge of right and wrong. Only the knowledge of their on selfish desires, and the need for immediate gratification.

Sometimes after you wait long enough at the bus stop for the Bus to come ... you just leave the and find yourself a new ride.

I think that Dr. Dobson was right... for the majority of people. The "Tough Love" principles are exactly what my counselor is counseling me to use right now. I hope that my WW wakes up, but I accept the real chance that she won't.

In that case, the comfort I have is that I can look my kids in their respecitve eyes and tell them that I loved them enough to do everything I could to help their mother choose to keep the family together, and that I loved her enough to let her go respectfully. They will at least see a man who is willing to do the right thing and walk the painful road rather than just try to escape the pain as quickly as I could. I hope that's character.

Horsey, one final thought for this post is that a divorce is not necessarily the end. It is possible that the divorce itself will be the smack-on-the-head that finally gets his attention. I don't say that to give you false or anyother kind of hope, only to remember to leave the door open for God to work. He respects the right of even jerks like your STBX and my WW to make their own choices, and will try to woo them back. As my mother says, "The Holy Spirit is ALWAYS a gentleman. He won't coerce or manipulate free will."

I'll keep you in my prayers. Keep me in yours. But keep my wife in your prayers too... she's going down a dangerous path that will cause her far more pain in the end than she realizes, and I want her to wake up so she can avoid the consequences of her actions.

I waited and waited and waited. Then, finally I woke up. My H was never going to change. He'd given me the same answer over and over again.

He didn't have another woman. He had books. Still, if he continued on the same path he'd lose me. He didn't care, and I finally woke up and saw it.

Horsey, where are you?

I would've loved to have the chance to try the 'tough love' approach, telling STBX that he either treat me right or he was out the door!

Unfortunately he'd already made the unilateral decision to break up our family. He told me about the affair - I didn't bust him, I had no idea - then told me he was leaving and getting a divorce.

Not much point in telling him to treat me right or he's gone - Oh, silly me, he's already gone! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.