Well, here comes my moment of brutal honesty, I am pretty sure I am in the starting point of the WS fog. Beware.

I have been posting a bit on and off in Recovery, things are doing ok, I have my ups and downs, and I realized my wounds were much deeper and fresher than I thought they were. I had grown blind in denial of my need for external help, but I am getting help.

What is now of dire importance and needs to be addressed and obliterated is this sense of WS entitlement that I am acquiring.

For the last week or so the feeling that I deserve a "vacation" from the M, that I should get to have some "fun" too has started to surface, with more power and insane alien logic in my brain than ever before.

I felt this way early after my last D-Day, and I had PLENTY of opportunities to act on these impulses, but I had to use whatever was left of my strength to restrain myself from a revenge A.

Now, nearly 3 years after that D-Day and phase, I find myself in the same spot again. I guess it all started when I felt my confidence level go up a little, and I was walking with my head higher than I did before. I started to remember what it felt to turn heads, have men blush insanely when meeting my eyes or fumble when trying to talk to me.

Before marrying my FWH I was really popular with the opposite sex, even then I only had 2 serious relationships, and they were the only men I ever slept with, my best friend from high school years, and my FWH.

My best friend proposed to me days before I left to be with my FWH, mind you I was already engaged and our relationship had been just friendship for a while then <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> so it was a shocker. I politely declined.

Through my late teen years I was courted heavily by many men of all ages and social status. Most of the time they were just friends, or friends of friends whom I had grown fond of and liked to chat with. But soon I would find myself in rather ackward situations, with them inviting me to incredibly expensive restaurants, buying jewerly, etc, in order to woo me. I declined all advances, since I was waiting for the right man to fall in love with, and also because I am a bit affraid of being "close" to men as in a romantic or sexual relationship due to issues related to abuse from chilhood. I was always more of the tom boy that guys liked to talk to to get advise on how to keep a girlfriend happy, or how to get the girly girl... unfortunately as much as I enjoyed this sibling sort of bond, it nearly always turned into a one sided love.

Now why am I even talking about this? I don't know, the case is... I never had problems getting asked out, and I still do. I receive e-mails from ex-friends (I severed all ties with male friends when they got too attached to avoid hurting their feelings or giving mixed signals) here and there, they try to keep in contact with me, and in my line of work its easy to type my name and find my e-mail adress, so I keep having to delete unwanted letters asking me if I have left my FWH yet, and if I ever do to reconsider old proposals.
Usualy I find these contacts rude and very tasteless. I wouldn't take them up, but it reminds me that I AM a desirable, and VERY young woman. Sure, the scars on my abdomen arent the pretties thing in a bikini, but I am still quite the catch.

I could go out there, bat my eyelids and find me a completely fabulous lover, wealthy even, have him whisk me away and forget the whole fiasco my M has been.

But then there is my FWH. He is trying so darn hard. If recovery was hard manual labor, he'd have worn his fingers to the bone by now.

A part of me loves him deeply, the other wanders off in a daze at idle times and remembers and sighs thinking of all the things I could do if I were free.

I make no sense, but it scares the heck out of me when I sit there and think "Oh! I could have a lover on the side, what he doesn't know won't hurt him, despite... he owes me! I deserve to be happy too!"

Oh gosh, what am I turning into???
You have to smack me with tha 2X4 please!
Shake me a bit and remind me why I don't want to do this!

Hey ALW - Just go read some of the JFO posts or even some of the ones here on GQII where both parties have had A's... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> You really don't want to inflict this sort of pain on your H, not to mention on yourself.

Talk with your H and ask him to help you in finding ways to rid yourself of these feelings. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Semper Fi,
RIF

Yea please dont do that, its the worse pain in the world. My wife got like you but instead of telling me or doing anything about it she went nutso. Had an affair, started drinking, smoking, going out, haveing sex with more then the affair guy. She is 37 and acts like she is 16. Please dont do that to your husband.

I know I should talk to my FWH, but... how do I even start that conversation? How can I bring it up?

He has worked so hard and I just don't want to hurt him... I need some guidance on how I can talk about stuff like this with him...
I am affraid that if I don't I'll just weaken and then I will do something I will regret.

Be honest with him, really honest. My wife, even thou the affair is over, flat out told me that right now she could take me back easy but could not promise me she would be faithfull. Thats honest as ******.

Just tell him from love tho, dont make it a threat. And for the love of god dont cheat. My wife cheated on me and ill tell you what I watched my father die when I was 15 and that was a freaking cake walk compared to this.

Im sure others will have a way to tell him without hurting him.

Alostwife,

You should definitely immediately act on your feelings!!!

You know how .... tell your husband everything immediately! As difficult and frightening as it may be, it is the door to a whole new level of intimacy in your M.

Is admiration one of your needs? Sometimes the way we were raised makes us feel uncomfortable about wanting admiration.
Your FWH is trying soooo hard. Give him the chance to fulfill all your needs. I am sure he won't judge you harshly for being open and honest with him.

I so wish my wife would of come to me in May before this all started. But again I may have had my head so far up my own butt that I might now have listend.

But give your husband the chance before you go off and do something stupid. And trust me an affair is sooooooooo stupid. It does nothing but cause pain for everyone.

well, following your advice I talked to him yesterday, or at least I botched my try at talking to him.

I tried to be as honest as I could with him, but he got very scared when I started saying that lately I have had very strong and confusing feelings about comitment and our marriage not really being as valid as it should.

He was so taken aback and shaken by my initial statement I cowardly tried to back pedal and said things that make no sense, like, it isnt as if I was thinking of having an A, which I sometimes do, etc etc.

I am so stupid!
But I just cant bear to hurt him at all.

After a while I started to open up a little more and I told him that I wasnt sad anymore, that in change I had become angry, not at him, or me, but at the situation my life was in. Lately we have been talking about buying our first house, and trying to have kids again. And that is something that deep down scares me, because he wasn't very supportive when I was pregnant before, and it lead to awful memories and eventually each time I lost the baby, so it really was a sore subject for me. I guess my WS mind is a reaction, some sort of fleeing mechanism implemented in a panic to a new step of comitment, getting a house and having children are incredibly binding things, I couldn't just walk away from that as easy.

I guess a part of me is confident things will be ok, but another is scared witless of it all.

I explained this to him, and I guess he started getting the hint. I also said that sometimes I feel that being good, concious to everybody elses feelings, doing things rationaly all of my life hasn't saved me any hurt, that in fact it seemed to me everybody had more fun at my expense because of it. I feel like a moron, cheated of happiness because I am the only one in this sick game of life who has never been a OW, OM, MM, MW, etc etc.

I feel like I have paid with sweat, blood, tears and sanity for the transgressions of others, but I have gotten nothing in return.

I have been neglected, humiliated, insulted and taken for granted so much my taker is screaming and kicking to get out and override any rationality I have.

He asked me what I thought would make things even, and asked if I wanted to have an A of my own to make things better. I said that having an A wouldn't make things even, part of me thought, but didnt say "Because it isnt only the A that was unfair", and another part thought "Because that would just bring more pain anyway".

He knows I am still pretty desired by other men, but he just wont get that I would like him to trust me a little tiny bit less and show jealousy on time to time. I know he gets jealous, but tries to not show it, and I dont know why.
I want to feel appreciated, I dont want to feel like he does things out of owing me anything, but because he wants me by his side.

Sometimes I feel like if I had an A maybe he wouldn't really care at all...

I think you are angry and resentful because he could go out and cheat but still gets to come home and take you completely for granted. And I don't blame you one bit.
Mulan

Mulan, I think it is something like that too.
He got to cheat and treat me terribly, and now that the dust is settling I am starting to wonder what did I get out of so much pain and suffering?
He got a faithful wife who would bend over backwards to make him happy and help him out of his insanity at her own expense. He got a companion that was his and only his in mind body and spirit. Someone to guide him through fog, and confusion.

What do I get??? Painful memories, tortures that I didn't even imagine I could ever get through. He can never erase them and he did all of it.

When does he get to feel bad for what he did? Will he ever even feel an iota of pain as badly as I have? How can he ever know what it feels like?

Why do I think of him as damaged goods sometimes? It makes me feel awful that I do, but I cant help myself.

Answers:

He probably never will feel the "true pain" and level of despair that you have about this.

He will feel some "iota" of pain over all of this, but IMVHO NEVER on the same level....would it be better if he did? Would that take away your pain? Probably not.

He will never know what it "truly" feels like....but, as BrambleRose is fond of saying: "DO you want to be right or do you want to be married"?

As a BS, you get the $hit end of the stick...no doubt..it is not fair...but neither is life.....making his pain "equal" to yours is not going to be the successful solution that you are looking for.

Your pain level and despair will never be equal...but the trade off for your sacrifices is a marriage that has a chance at recovery...you could cheat on him and humiliate him, or whatever and get "even"...but sadly, I don't think your pain would dissappear. Many here think the Divorce solves the "pain" but it surely does not. The pain and despair that a BS deals with this after this kind of life altering event has to be dealt with any way you slice it or deal with it.

I think that is the issue you have to reconcile with.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

lemonman

I know, it is true that cheating on him would not only make me hate myself, but hurt him deeply and in a way I don't wish anybody to be hurt.

I guess what I need is to feel as cherished and loved as I know I deserve. I wish most of anything that I could just rewind all these years, start over, knowing what I know now about him, and him knowing what he knows about himself as well. All of it is just impossible, and hanging onto the what ifs, shoulda, coulda's is just useless.

I am battling with the fact that a part of me wants to start over with someone that will appreciate me from the start, and I am trying to figure out if I can start over somehow with my FWH. I cannot erase all the bad memories and pain away, neither can he. I wonder if I can get over it completely...

Alostwife

I believe that we all will one day stand accountable before God for our actions. Would you rather give an account of adultery or that you had the character to withstand insurmountable pain and betrayal in order to save your marriage? One would bring shame and the other would bring a "Well done." Two wrongs never make a right and noone finds happiness at another's expense.

Alost...Do you think it's possible that you really are kind of lost? That your husband doesn't know quite how to show you how much he loves you (it seems you do believe he loves you a LOT...you KNOW this...but maybe don't FEEL it)? And maybe you're not sure how to show him? Maybe you don't even know what would make you feel loved and cherished?

If so..there were some exercises in Divorce Remedy that may help, even though you're not in that situation right now.

"I will feel cherished WHEN (not if) my husband....."

--...puts a surprise love note in my lunch bag
--...covers the bed in rose petals
--...takes me in his arms and hugs me tight, looks at me and says, "I adore you."

"I will feel unique and special to my husband when..."

--....the man across the aisle from us is ogling me, my husband hugs me closer, with a smug look of satisfaction on his face that he is the one married to me...

--...he tells me how proud and cherished HE feels that I have not stepped outside the marriage


Do you see what i mean? Figure out what it is that would make you feel special and unique to your husband...what would make you feel as if *you* are the only one who could possibly fill the role of his wife in quite the same wonderful way...Figure out what it is that would make you feel appreciated.


Then tell him!

jph,

what you say is so true, so very true. But my mind gets muddied by a daze and I forget. I am so thankful you all have replied and are helping me remember.

aislinn,

I struggle with telling him what I want, because I dont want to feel like he is doing it because I told him to, out of duty.
You hit the nail right in head. I AM lost.
I do know he loves me deeply, but I need to feel it. I just feel that I have been starved of that for so long I might just grab at anything that feels like it. I am feeling so vulnerable to an A right now it is maddening.

I will make that list and give it to him. I just hope I wont sound demanding and that I wont frustrate him. I hope he can understand that I am in dire need to get this needs met. It is getting down to the wire, and I cant expect him to figure it all on his own on time anymore.

I cant hide my disappointment though, that he couldn't do this without me spelling it out.