I am 36yrs old,I've been married 16+ yrs and have a 15+ yr old son. I have always had what I would consider a "happy" marriage, we worked hard to keep it together thru many rough shaky times but we always had each others back and we always pulled thru. He loved me thru my ilnesses and I loved him thru his anger. We worked hard to keep us together end we were happy. Now it all just feels like work to me. he has changed to a late shift at work and I am home Mon-Fri at night by myself. My best girlfriend is single, so we have been going and sitting up at a neighborhood bar until my husband gets off at 12: then he comes by and picks me up! I have met a guy there (the bouncer)and we have flirted and both my husband and his wife are aware of our flirtations. They are not however aware of the fact that we have been having a "relationship" for the last 2 weeks. He has been stopping by my house to "do lanscaping" that my husband has hired him to do, so while he has been there we have became have given in to some those desires. I have not had intercourse with him , but we are all but there. i just can't bring myself to do it. I am a born again christian and have prayed about this , but even in my prayers I am telling God that I don't know if I want this to go away. i don't want to loose my marriage (i love my husband madly) He doesn't want to looses his marriage(he loves his wife and 3 kids) but we both feel such a connection and at ease with one another. he makes me feel sexy and even though my husband and I have good to great sex on a regular basis, I just have not felt sexy and desirable in a long long time. I want to stop, but I don't want to. He talks to me and sometimes that is the biggest turn on of all! I was so lonely and starved for affection. i know I'm wrong and it's a choice that I've got to make , but how do you stop. I have never been a selfish person, but I have no idea what to do because I feel so good when I am with him. Please if you have any advice or encouragement or even a good written lashing I'll gladly take it!

Hello,

Here are a couple of things to consider:
1) How would you feel if your husband was doing to you what you are doing to him?
2) How would you feel if your husband brought his secret girlfriend to your home and did almost everything with her except intercouse in your own home? What an insult to your spouse. Isn't your home suppose to be the one sacred and safe place for a married couple? You are spitting on your home.
3) Imagine your husband finding out (which he will) and divorcing you.
4) If you love your husband madly you do not bring another man into your home and be sexual with him.
5) When your husband finds out (which he will) and decides to stay in your marriage it will never be the same. He will never look at you the same way and will never trust you completely again.

Please stop this and immediately tell your husband and the OM's wife. Please seek out marriage counseling immediately.
What you are doing to your husband is the ultimate in humiliation and disrespect. Does he really deserve this? Again how would you feel if your husband was doing this to you? Your husband is not doing this to you because he respects you too much. Don't you think he deserves the same respect? This will end badly and your may end up losing your marriage. Is this what you want? Tell your husband the truth now and save your marriage. The choice is yours. I wish you luck.

Not,

You are already engaging in a PA which will almost surely cause your H more pain than you could ever imagine. Read very carefully some of the posts from WS about how they feel, even years after. Then read some written by BS about the intensity of the pain they feel. Do you want this for your H.

More importantly, imagine your life without your H in it. Is that what you want? Have you considered IC? You say you love your H, yet you are seeking SF with OM, so what is it that's missing in your M?

You need to----stop seeing this OM, stay the H*** away from bars, and find a friend to sociallize who is married or in a committed R.

It is not too late.

Stop, stop stop! It is not too late. You need to read about fog talk. You are in a fog! You will say and do things to justify the A. I wish I knew about this website before my A.

I am crying right now because my BS just called and asked me if I enjoyed lunch. He "suggested" that I went to lunch with OM. I am so sad because it's so hard to get the trust back. It's been a year and 3 months since D-day.

Don't do it. I wish that I wouldn't have acted on my attraction. Work on your marriage. Bars are no good for a married person. I have no desire to go to bars without my H anymore.

Stop going to that bar! Good luck! You need to talk to your H.

Please ,please stop right now...listen to the folks here.

As a christian...you do know better and God won't stop your free will. It will end in total pain...the consequences can be horrific and this has and will change you forever...not worth it.

You are thinking only of yourself right now...you must think of all of the other people...you have already crossed the line and it will feel impossible to turn back later...

I speak from experience...been there and wish I had never gone the path. You asked for advice...you are messing with many, many lives.

You love your h madly? Then you are dealing with lust...and you need to ask God to kill the lust in your heart.

Just run away from this today...don't entertain the thoughts anymore.

I tried to put a stop to it all last night, and feel in my heart that today it is done. I just know that he did not want it to end, which is a little scary. I spoke with my H abouth the issue without totally stating that I had had an A , and he was unbelievable about it and accepted partial responsibility ( which I refused to allow him to take)He is willing to go into marriage counseling. You guys were a gift from God yesterday, and told me exactly what I already knew but was to busy being selfish and "caught up" to see. Please continue to pray for my strength. My OM is a very desirable, attentive and persuasive man and he is not ready for this to be over.

Congratulations,

You did the right thing almost. It is very important that you be totally honest with your husband about the affair. It is unfair to keep the truth from him. If the roles were reversed wouldn't you expect to hear the complete truth from him? Having the OM coming over to your house and continue to do landscapping should be stopped.

The bottom line is that by not telling your husband the complete truth then you are still disrespecting and humiliating him. If you do not have truth and honesty in your marriage then what do you really have? I think your husband deserves at the very least your honesty about this matter. Either your marriage is based on truth and honesty or it is based on lies and deception. If you truly love your husband then you know in your heart you have to be totally honest with him. Otherwise you are still manipulating him for your own purposes. You had an affair with this man. If your husband finds out later how you kept the truth from him it will be very very bad for you. Do the right thing and show that you truly do love him by being honest with him. Don't you think he deserves truth and honesty from you? I wish you luck.

Hello notmyway,
I truely understand what your going throgh. Im glad you had the will power to stop. I did the exact same thing and more. I posted it here as well. If you didn't tell your husband the WHOLE truth it will hurt him even more. I had an affair on my husband almost from day 1. Im not proud of it but im glad he was understanding and willing to work on our marriage. The thing is I know hes still hurting by all of what i've done. Through it all i loved my husband. It was the conversation, and the fun, and the comfortablenice that i felt with the other person that made me not want to stop. I promised my husband that I will have no contact with him anymore. It will be hard because its my children's father. We made arrangements so that when he wants the kids for any reason to call my husband's cell phone and communicate with him and not me. That's the solution that we came up with. Also, its crazy cause after reading throgh all info i realized also that i was going through withdrawl i thought about sucide or even just hurting myself to get away from it all. My children is what pulled me back to reality and my husband letting me know that he was truely willing to be here for me. I am so glad that you told him but your next step should be to let him know IT ALL.

Good Luck,
Lonely_but_not

It sounds like the devil is busy and since you are born again maybe you are being tested...and it looks like you may not pass. Make yourself scarce when he does the landscaping or have your husband let him go if it's to much for him to be at your house. I really believe that everyone has the need to feel wanted and desired but you have to know that talk is just that and not to do anything that you wouldn't do in front of your husband...

You need to be radically honest with your husband so that proper measures of accountability and boundaries can be put in place and so that you two can begin the recovery and healing process in marriage counseling.

Way to go, stopping the A, but you have to take it all the way to its conclusion.

You will go into PHYSICAL, EMOTIONAL, and MENTAL WITHDRAWAL from this affair, its grip on you will be hard to break without help. Affairs ARE addictions, they cause you to make poor life choices because of the way they make you FEEL.

You need to earn your H's trust back, you can't do that with half-truths and by alluding to what happened in a vague way. You need to come completely clean and let the chips fall where they may so that you two can start to work on understanding how this happened.

The OM should not be part of your life anymore, and your H will most certainly not have him landscaping for you if he knows the entire truth.

Lies of omission are still lies; secrets are lies. Lies are like a cancer in a relationship; they poison it. You could think it's okay for now to "let sleeping dogs lie" but they WILL NOT stay SLEEPING for the rest of your life and marriage. They will wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Hungry, angry, cranky, ravenous, growling and nasty, and they will ruin your relationship later if not dealt with now.

Blessings to you and your husband, and when you come clean with him and want to work on your marriage, send him here for support as well.

God has a better life in store for you then lies and hurt. All things are possible with Christ our Lord, but we must repent, and accept God's forgiveness and the forgiveness of others. This requires brokenness and surrender; two things that are impossible to achieve behind a veil of half-truths and coverups.

You need to move into NO CONTACT with OM, immediately. Whatever it takes. I will pray for you and your H.

NTL

I am trying so hard! I have tried to talk to my husband,but he doesn't want to here it all! He says he's partially to blame and that "yesterday was yesterday and today is today" he also says,"he knows I only love him, so we will get thru this with some adjustments"! My "lawn guy" is still in my life,so to speak. I have seen him drive by my house 3 times, I've had to call him about a "yard" issue(my husband was right there)and he was asking when we could meet again, i've seen him twice at the 7-11 where he has tried to turn on the charm! he wants to be with me and he is so sweet and I am trying so hard but, there is no where to hide from him. My closest friends are questioning me now because whenever we are anywhere there he is and I am afraid that it may all just get nastier and messierthen it already is. I know I can't take it back, but i wish i could just move on. it's taking over my life. every waking moment i'm thinking about him or the "break-up", or my husband and what I've done to him. I even think about A's wife and 3 little kids. i am sickened by what i've done but even thru prayer i can not swear that if he showed up on my doorstep that I could send him away. i tried to tell this to my husband ( he doesn't know with who or exactly what has happened yet)and all he is says is "don't worry, we'll get thru this!
What now? The prayers, the attempts of honesty, the "break-up"... not working so well and I honestly am trying! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Your dear husband is in denial, and I don't blame him. But that will NOT get you guys to the place you need to be at.

I really appreciate how honest you are being with us about the fact that you really have feelings for OM, and that you don't know if you have the strength to turn him away when he keeps trying. This is why it is so important to tell your husband the truth - you NEED help with accountability and creating a transparent lifestyle for you and your H.

You are going to have to tell your husband the whole truth, pick your time, but you have to do it. He says he's partially to blame (and it always takes 2 people to create the stage for A) but he does not know the whole story, which is why he is cutting you so much slack.

PLEASE read the posts here about withdrawal. It is important that you understand what you are going through so you can fight it and get help.

The OM is in as much of an addicted state as you are. If you do not want to be the home-wrecker in his children's lives you owe it to him and his children and his wife to avoid him at all costs. Your H & you should be joined at the hip right now. You need to avoid OM at all times. You are NOT doing enough to avoid him if you are calling him about the lawn. I don't care WHAT kind of weed you have growing, or WHAT needs pruning; you and OM are NOT the ones to deal with it. You stay strong, and stay away from OM. You need to give these feelings of withdrawal a chance to run their course.


[color:"brown"]
Psalm 91:9-16
If you make the LORD your refuge,
if you make the Most High your shelter,

no evil will conquer you;
no plague will come near your dwelling.

For he orders his angels
to protect you wherever you go.

They will hold you with their hands
to keep you from striking your foot on a stone.

You will trample down lions and poisonous snakes;
you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet!

The LORD says, "I will rescue those who love me.
I will protect those who trust in my name.

When they call on me, I will answer;
I will be with them in trouble.
I will rescue them and honor them.

I will satisfy them with a long life
and give them my salvation." [/color]

Withdrawal by Suzet
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And excellent post by Suzet about withdrawal.
MB members,

I know all the information on this thread I’ve posted before, but I’ve decided to compile a new, more detailed post with additional helpful information and links. Previously I’ve created a separate thread for BS’s and FWS’s on withdrawal, but this new thread can now be used and read by both FWS’s and BS’s. I’ve also decided to compile this post to share it over on the In Recovery and Just Found Out boards as well. I haven’t posted these information there before. Anyone who have extra suggestions and info on this topic (or other useful links), please feel free to share it on this new thread.

’FOG’ AND WITHDRAWAL

In my experience as a FWW, it’s possible for ‘fog’ to slip back from time to time during the withdrawal period, especially during early, intense withdrawal. Often early withdrawal and the ‘fog’ go hand in hand and it will be normal for your FWS to have a ‘foggy’ thinking pattern during this stage. The 'fog' lifts gradually as the withdrawal lessens and it will get better with time and patience.

An A IS an addiction and it does affect the brain chemistry of a WS/FWS. It is a feedback system where some behavior causes good feelings (chemicals) to be released and gradually you become dependent on those feelings. So thinking of the OP is sort of self-medicating when the FWS feels a little down.

It can take weeks to months for this to pass and that’s why No Contact is so hard because some of the residual feelings and response linger for a long time. With time, the "feelings" attached to remembering the OP will fade.

It has been suggested and even done that when the FWS start to really think of OP, that they call or talk with the BS. This behavior will start to replace one set of feelings and memories for another, sort of like quitting smoking. This is something you can discuss with your FWS.

LENGTH OF WITHDRAWAL AND EFFECT OF WIHTDRAWAL ON THE FWS

Withdrawal is not the same for each person and it affects each person differently. For some people, withdrawal is very long and intense, and some people don’t experience any withdrawal at all (no withdrawal is not very common, but it does happen to some FWS’s).

I believe the length and intensity of withdrawal depends on many factors such as the length and intensity of the A and the emotional involvement; the way the A ended and if there is still unresolved issues; personality; ‘sensitivity’ level of the WS etc. A good estimation of the time of withdrawal can be the length of the A. According to Dr Harley (see quote beneath) the most intense symptoms of withdrawal usually last only about three weeks, but in some cases they can linger for six months or longer before they start to fade. As I’ve said, it’s not the same for each person and every situation is different.

I think the time of withdrawal also depends if the WS were friends with the OP before it progressed to an A. It’s more difficult to recover from an A where it started out as friendship comparing to a situation where people start the A from the beginning (like a ONS) and have not yet get emotionally connected and learned to care for the OP.

IMO it also depends if the FWS suffers from depression or any other mental/psychiatric disorders. In my situation, ‘real’ recovery from my withdrawal started after I received medical help for OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive-Disorder) with associated depression and anxiety. I also had unresolved issues regarding my childhood and myself at the time and I believe those things also had an influence on my personal recovery.


Quote:
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From Dr Harley’s Q & A column:

Withdrawal is the emotional reaction to the loss of something that gives great pleasure. It's similar to the feelings an alcoholic has when he makes a commitment never to drink again. It's also similar to the grief that comes from the loss of a loved one. A lover is like alcohol and like a loved one. Not only do unfaithful spouses miss what it was their lovers did, meeting important emotional needs, but they also miss the person they had come to love.


Our most common emotions are anger, anxiety and depression. Symptoms of withdrawal usually include all of these in a very intense form. I usually suggest that anti-depressant medication be used to help alleviate these symptoms. While the most intense symptoms of withdrawal usually last only about three weeks, in some cases they can linger for six months or longer before they start to fade.


It is extremely likely that a commitment to remain separated from a lover will be broken unless extreme measures are taken to avoid it. That's because the emotional reaction of withdrawal is so painful. Honesty is an extremely important element in reconciliation, and it should be understood that if the unfaithful spouse ever sees or communicates with the lover, he or she should immediately tell the spouse that it happened. They should then agree on a plan that would prevent a recurrence of contact in the future. But as soon as any contact is made, it throws the unfaithful spouse back to the beginning of withdrawal, and the time it takes to overcome the feelings of grief begins all over again.


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HOW TO ACT AND HELP THE FWS GOING THROUGH WITHDRAWAL

It’s important for your FWS to let his/her feelings out if she/he wants to heal. Bottling up and repressing of issues will eventually lead to depression. I’ve received the help from a wonderful, woman, Christian Counselor (who have also became a great friend and confidant of mine), but in spite of this I’ve developed depression and was put on anti-depressants. It will help if your FWS goes to a professional, outside, trusting, Christian person like an IC or pastor if necessary. If he/she starts developing depression, medication can be very helpful... The medication really helped me tremendously during the withdrawal period.

A MC is very valuable for the recovery of a M, but many times the help of an individual counselor (IC) or any other professional, outside person (like a pastor), can be very helpful too. The MC can be used to have one-on-one sessions with both the BS and FWS. An outside person is not emotionally involved and can help with personal recovery and to get feelings out. The IC can also address other personal issues the FWS or BS may have. I believe personal recovery and marital recovery goes hand in hand and sometimes it’s necessary to address personal issues first. A FWS in withdrawal don’t always have the courage to be totally honest and open in front of the BS about their feelings (out of fear that they will hurt the BS again) and this is the other reason why it’s important for the FWS to find a trusting outside person they can talk to.

It will also help if your FWS can read and post here. It will help him/her to get his/her feelings out. Support and help from experienced members here will also help him/her through this difficult time. While I was in early withdrawal, these boards also helped to clear my ‘fog’. Although I was still in withdrawal, these boards helped me realize that my ‘bond’ with OM wasn’t such a special and unique ‘friendship’, but in fact a very sinful and damaging emotional betrayal towards my dear H.

Here is some suggestion on how to help & support your FWS through withdrawal:

1. Be your FWS’s greatest friend and confidant. Encourage him/her to confide in you and create an environment & atmosphere that will allow him/her to feel safe and secure to reveal his/her innermost feelings to you. Maybe you can start to be honest with him/her about you innermost thoughts and feelings and in the process encourage him/her to open up towards you too without the fear that you will Love Bursting or criticize or judge him/her.

2. Be you FWS’s ‘sounding board’ during this difficult time. Whenever possible and whenever you feel strong enough, listen to him/her with empathy, understanding & care. Continue to communicate your negative feelings too, but do it without being judgmental or love bursting. I know this is a lot to ask and will still be hard to do sometimes, but you WILL receive the benefits, especially when both of you are further in recovery!

3. Realize that your FWS will go through stages and feelings of guilt, self-rejection etc. During this times, try to let him feel accepted, tell her that she made a mistake, but has decided to turn away and follow the right path. During times like this remind her that he is forgiven by both you and God.

4. Assure and tell your FWS that he/she must feel free to talk to you whenever he/she needs it of feels like it. Encourage him/her to speak to you whenever he/she feels ‘down’. If it feels okay with you, ask him/her about his/her feelings and show interest and concern about his/her feelings out of your own. As a FWW it was very difficult to overcome my own pain, loss and grief and on the same time dealt with the pain I've caused my H. I know it would have meant the world to me if my H could ask me about my feelings, without me initiating the subject.

5. If you FWS needs to talk and you feel it’s not the right time for you at that moment, have the courage to tell him/her that you really want to listen to him/her, but on another time when you feel stronger and ready to listen. At the same time your FWS must also have the understanding and care to allow you to be honest towards her too. This is really a give and take situation. Your W must also encourage YOU to speak to HER whenever you need it or feels like it. On this way both of you will help each other to heal and recover. On this way you will become each other’s greatest friends and confidants.

6. On a practical note: Plan events (holidays, concerts, movie nights, whatever) in the near future to attend together. It helps to give the FWS (and the BS) something positive to look forward to.

Remember, the pain ‘deserved’ for your FWS is real, and the healing to some extent really takes time. So, be patient with both you and your S and give it time and patience.

Symptoms of the Wayward Spouse and Recognizing Withdrawal

WITHDRAWAL, RECOVERY AND MEETING THE NEEDS OF THE FWS

Recovery starts as soon as there is NC with the OP. During this time the BS is advised to only fill the EN’s the FWS ALLOWS the BS to meet. This is so because the FWS is in withdrawal and won’t be able to concentrate solely on the BS and relationship. However, this will get better with time and as the fog starts to clear. Give it time for at least 6 months. During this time, don’t put pressure on your FWS with too much ‘relationship talk’. Give him/her some time and in the meantime, continue with a good plan A. No LBers. Also concentrate on yourself and do things you enjoy. As soon as your FWS is ready, he/she will start to open up towards you and you will start to notice some efforts from him/her. But give it TIME and PATIENCE. BE there for him/her when she needs you (the guidelines I have posted above), but try to keep things uncomplicated, unemotional, light and pleasant.


Quote:
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From Dr Haley’s Q & A column:
As soon as a victimized spouse decides to stay married and struggle through reconciliation, he or she usually sets out to meet whatever needs the lover had been meeting. If it was sex, the spouse offers more and better sex. If it was affection, it's more affection. Both M.S. and R.J.'s wife were willing to do whatever it took to regain their wayward spouses' love.


But it didn't work for either of them. That's because both of their husbands were in withdrawal. They were both addicted to their lovers and separation from them caused them to suffer from depression. That, in turn, made it almost impossible for their spouses to meet their emotional needs. So all of that love and care that was being extended to them was being wasted. Until they would recover from withdrawal, the efforts of their wives to please them will be very disappointing.


Sometimes I tell spouses to just avoid each other until the withdrawal stage passes because all the effort to be kind and thoughtful is easily wasted until they start feeling better.


It's the stage of recovery after withdrawal that gives spouses the best opportunity to learn to meet each other's most important emotional needs and overcome Love Busters. Spouses should save their most tolerant mood for that stage, where they could both be receptive to each other's care. And that will be the subject of next week's column: Learning to meet each other's needs after an affair.


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Keep in mind that your FWS's conflict during withdrawal is internal and the BS should not take comments made by the FWS during this time personally. Try to convince yourself you are dealing with a sick charge if that helps you to remove yourself. Try to remember that the feelings the WS felt during the A and the feelings the FWS feel during withdrawal are real EVEN if they are based on an addiction to a fantasy.

Do not be surprised if one hour is good, one hour is bad, then one half day, then one day bad and good, and so one. The reason is the FWS is SLOWLY processing what happened. Every time a WS moves closer to realizing the impact of what they did or what they potentially did, it causes stress, which in turn causes the fog to settle in again, which in turn causes the FWS want to contact the OP. The mind cannot let us see the pain we caused all at once, it would be too overwhelming. Realize that wanting to initiate contact, or hoping that the OP will contact, or wishing for "accidental" contact will happen. This is a fact. It is not a rejection of the BS. Let your FWS speak openly about that - it is a way to help alleviate the stress/desire. A's thrive on secrecy. It do not thrive well in the light of day.

An A is a selfish, destructive, dishonest act. It’s said that the more "honorable" a person is, the deeper they fall into a seduction and therefore it makes sense that it is harder for a basically decent person to climb back out into reality.

FOR WS’s – GUIDELINES TO HELP YOU GET THROUGH WITHDRAWAL:

1. Keep yourself busy, although you may not feel like doing anything. Getting busy will keep your mind from wandering to thoughts of OP. Spend as little time alone as possible. Go to the movies, a concert or a play, whatever you enjoy...as long as you gets busy! Post here, pray, call old friends you may have been neglecting or call current friends you spending too little time with.

2. Get involved with ministry/community service/charity or anything similar. Helping others will take your mind off yourself.

3. Go to your Medical Practitioner and/or Counselor and get antidepressants if necessary. Don’t hesitate to seek professional and medical help if you feel it's necessary.

4. Show love to your S, even when it feels a bit unnatural, fake or forced at first. The acts of love became more real and heartfelt the more they are repeated. When you actively show love and receive feedback from your S, it will become pleasurable to repeat those things. The more you do them, the more real they will become. And spend time with your mate. Do something different. Get out of the rut. Develop new interest. Have fun together. Work at becoming friends again.

5. Make a conscious effort to avoid things that will remind you positively of the OP. Whether it's romantic songs or movies that you enjoyed, hobbies or pastimes you had in common, or just dwelling mentally on conversations or times you enjoyed together...you must do your best to avoid dwelling on them. Thoughts of the OP will pop up and the temptation is to daydream about them at length but the good news is, as you AVOID CONTACT with the OP and having NO CONTACT, these things will fade. The OP itself will become more of a blurry memory. When these memories come up, do whatever you have to do to stop thinking about them. If the OP pops up in your mind, turn your thoughts to happy memories of times with your spouse. Pick up a book, watch a TV show, read the Bible, call a friend, just try hard not to dwell on them. Again, with this, you will find it easier to do as time passes and there is no contact.

6. Constantly remind yourself of the great things about your spouse, and the not-so-great things about the OP. Be honest with yourself. There are areas that you KNOW your spouse is superior to the OP. If you can't think of any, grab on to ANY positive thing you can think about in regards to your spouse. Think of the things that attracted you to your spouse initially, or that you've always liked or admired or respected about him/her and focus on that. Think on these things. Remind yourself of things about the OP that were definitely negative. Magnify them if you have to. Remind yourself that your spouse have it over the OP big time in a couple of major ways e.g:

i) Your spouse didn't indulge in an A with a married man/women.

ii) They love you enough to want to stay with you and stand by you, in spite of the pain you caused him/her.

The above two things alone show you the kind of love and integrity from your BS.

7. Remind yourself constantly that love is something you DO, not something you feel. Love is meeting someone's needs. Love is action. Feelings come and go...especially fantasy-based and fog-based feelings.

8. Develop a good & strong support system which can help & encourage you to maintain NC and stay committed to it. You can accomplish this by taking the following steps:

i) Be honest & open with your BS. Your S must become your greatest friend and confidant. Your S is the key and most important person who can help you to stay committed and maintain NC with OP.

ii) If you have close friends of the same sex who are trustworthy, religious and set a high importance on M and the well-being of both you and your S, then confided in them. The same goes with family members. On days you feel ‘down’, weak and/or vulnerable to contact OP, you can contact them in stead and go to them for support, go out for a cup of coffee with one of them or whatever.

iii) Seek professional help & support. Go to a trusting, outside person like a Christian counselor/therapist or pastor. Make sure the person you seek out is religious and values the importance of marriage in general and the importance of fidelity in a marriage.

8. Know that there is HOPE! There is definitely hope for your marriage and your feelings for the OP can fade. Keep trying, and don't beat yourself up when you have mental and emotional setbacks, because you will. Just look at the big picture and keep going. Realize that recovery is not necessarily about strength, but most importantly the choice and realization that NC is the only way to go. It’s also about the desire to regain your own integrity in spite of your weakness and temptation to contact the OP during withdrawal and early recovery.

Additional links:

What the WS/BS Must Do to Reconcile

When “sorry” is not enough

How the wayward get wayward

Atruheart’s letter to WS’s everywhere

www.marriagebuilders.com/...ost2686313

Post deleted by penaltykill

NMW,

Send a letter to his W confessing your affair, that will stop him cruising around you. Tell your H everything, and ask him to help protect you by making sure lawn boy, doesn't come around and hiring someone else.

You have done very little to help this situation and yet you complain. IT is time you got off of "dead center" and protected YOUR marriage. You are not some innocent victim here and you do have a mind, you do have character, and do aspire to be a Christian. It is time you stepped up and stopped this nonsense NOW. It is within your ability to do so, so quit blaming your H, quit blaming OM, and start looking in the mirror.

Have I been plain enough for you? I hope so.

God Bless,

JL

PK,



My FWH could have written this about the way I treated him and reacted when he tried to discuss it with me. So he also turned to someone who was willing to tell him how wonderful he was over and over and over. OW was someone who was ready, willing and available to give him everything I wasn't. I was lucky that he never deluded himself into thinking that he loved her, or I might have lost him forever.

You need to be honest with your H. He needs to know what he is up against to be able to help you. Fight this or you will be sorry later.

I found out about my wife's affair the first week of this year. I spent the rest of the time going crazy inside and out. Everybody who knows me, knows something has happened to me. I lost about 60 lbs. I look completely different than I did this time last year.

Even after knowing all the pain. I ended up having a ONS. I had contemplated in the first months after for revenge. Then I decided not to. Later I still ended up doing it not out of revenge but because I wanted some type of validation as a man. I know stupid! But that is what I thought it would do.

But it damn sure didn't. Made me feel worse than ever because I should have listened to my wife when she said that she found out sex was nothing without love.

You are headed down a road that will change your life forever in the blink of an eye. Actually you're already there, you just don't realize it yet. Intercourse is just a simple act, it's not the end all be all. You're already there.

The guilt is going to build to such you will find yourself wanting to curl into a ball and fade away.

Not all is lost though, you can recover from it, but think about the last time you rode a roller coaster and felt it chugging up the lift readying for the plunge, that is where you are right now and it isn't a pleasant ride for anyone involved.

Hollywood sometimes glamorizes it, but real life is right where you are now. You will see.

notmyway,

Two of the most compelling reasons why a WS should tell the BS about his/her affair is because it will most likely contribute to ending persistent OP efforts to continue with the affair knowing he/she can do so behind the veil of secrecy. And the BS can help the WS by giving him/her tremendous support so that he/she will not give in to the temptation of contacting the OP.

Don't kid yourself that you have seen the light and that the affair is in the past. For as long as the affair continues to be your [and your OM's] dirty, little secret, it can come back to life when you stop coming here and you start going back to your same old habits.

Granted that your lack of time with your H contributed to the environment that made your affair possible, but even if your H changed shifts, your marriage will continue to remain in danger of ending, unless the truth about your affair is finally revealed and you give the OM a NC [no contact] letter. Only then will you end the cycle of secrecy that not only gave birth to your affair but has sustained it as well.

TMCM

I am on the "other side of the coin". My husband cheated on me and I am devistated. Think before you do something that you can't change or go back to. Would you want your husband to do this to you? If you are in an unhappy situation - get out of it first before you enter into another relationship. That's the right thing to do.

I know it's very tempting to go into an affair. But, you are not looking at reality. Affairs are just fantasies.

You don't realize all the people that get hurt in an affair - husbands, children, wives, family. Just think how hurt you would be if this was done to you. It's crushing. You won't be trusted by your husband again, HURT, HURT AND MORE HURT!!

NMW, what is up? How are things going?