I don't know what to do. I am so furious with MIL and husband...im not sure what to do.
STORY IN SHORT:
Sister-in law is getting married...in carribean.
trip will cost our family of four at least $8000.00 to get there for a week does not include extra spending money...so all together im sure at least $10,000.00

We can't afford it!!!! Do not have that money.

Problem: MIL has phoned TWICE now...first time talking to my Daughter for over 1/2 hour, did not ask for me even though she KNEW i was there! Telling my D are you coming? she says probably not we can't afford it. She then goes on and on and says well if guys can't all come then your dad should at LEAST MAKE THE EFFORT to come. I was furious she was discussing this with my D and NOT ME! I told H he wouldn't discuss it, won't ever say anything to his mother!!! Im furious! Firstly you don't put an "EXPECTATION" on anyone if you decide to get married somewhere far away and "EXPECT" people to go into DEBT to come to thier wedding!!!! regardless if its family or not!

We phone her for her bday and again...she pulls it this time with my younger daughter...saying "are you coming to the wedding? you should really come" Its hard enough for me to say to my kids you know i really would love for us to go but we don't have that kind of money...then to have her saying this to them...i know it bothered her. SHe then says same thing to oldest one, then says it to my H of course he can't say "no we can't afford it" he says we'll see! Can't stand up to his mother. I am last to talk on phone b/c its her bday i bite my toungue...she says to me...H should really go if you all can't go. I tell her well we can't afford it, not to mention xmas coming up etc. WE just can't afford it, i wish we could. Good thing she couldn't see me b/c i felt like punching her!!!
Told H after...so are you going? he tells me oh i do feel obligated. I say to him calmly u should not feel obligated, they knew this going in and they should not "EXPECT" people to spend that kind of money if they don't have it. I then say I really wish your mother would not keep asking the kids its not something she should discuss with them, its bad enough that i hvae to tell them we can't afford it. its wrong for her to discuss this with them. I said you should tell her not to talk to them about it, its not my place to say anything as its your mom. I stayed VERY CALM...and he flipped saying "oh stop it, can u just let it go and stop bringing it up!"
First of all i only said anything once last time she phoned and once this time. Im so upset right now!!! Firstly i have told my kids for the last 3 years...we are going to try and go on a family holiday 'together" and i think we deserve that...now they have their grandma saying "your dad should go on a trip" which of course they are going to feel left out over..and that will jsut put our trip off how much farther. I really don't think he should go...i think any trip taken should be our FAMILY TRIP! not to this.
I will not stop him but i am very tempted to tell him well go ahead and thats fine...but realize i will be taking the girls at some point on a holiday.as i have been promising for hte last 3 years.

Any advice?? am i write in feeling upset over MIL behaviour??

I would feel annoyed if my MIL pulled this stunt. Has anyone told her that the adults make the travel plans? As for how to deal with the situation, I don't know.

But, I would also feel annoyed.

I would compromise. Try to give some thought to what he wants... This is where I messed up

Why don't you tell his mother that if she wants to pay for your trip there, you will go, and if not you will not be going.

Why does your husband have to stand up to her? Obviously he has a tough time doing that. Do it for him. You could tell him that's what you intend to do, and ask him if that would relieve him of the burden. I would insist that we discuss it thoroughly. Do you two follow the Policy of Joint Agreement? Are you following the Marriage Builder plan?

He is not considering going without you, is he???

Not a good idea, unless you want to end up on one of these other boards. You know the one I mean.

I would like to tell his mother but b/c it is HIS mother i don't feel it is my place to say it, i think he should be. Thats all i need more annumition for her to talk behind my back some more. He needs to stand up to her! Especially when it comes to her doing this to the kids!!!! He has never stepped in when she pulls this crap, i have just tried to explain it to my kids, her behaviour, which is hard to do since it is so messed up! THey have been in tears many christmases b/c she would make them feel guilty for leaving her house to go visit my parents...its a jelousy issue with her...and shes tells everyone else that i think my family is better, and more important and that i don't want to spend time with her side. Its just ridiculous her behaviour.
H way of dealing with her...give in, or just ignore. won't discuss it.
Yes he IS thinking about going...i tell ya if he does end up going. Whatever if he does go thats fine...but he better not be upset when i take myself and the kids on a vacation by ourselves...since he will be spending his portion of his vacation money.
Whats the bad part i know for a fact she'll be litterally "prancing around" when we visit for xmas bragging about them going to go on a 2 wk vacation, then she'll say to the kids you should come you should come. Just to make me out to be the bad guy! hmmm whats more important...paying my bills...sending my kids to school or BLOWING $10,000 on someones wedding which statistically speaking 40% end up in divorce!!!! it pisses me off pisses me right off.

Oh, yeah, I would be pissed. First of all, how can she possibly justify to herself your husband spending that kind of money on a vacation for HIMSELF?? True, his sibling is getting married, but when they chose to get married there and didn't offer to pay for everyone in the family to come, they pretty much wiped out most people going. There is NO WAY I would spend that kind of money doing that. It would not be fair IMO for him to go without you, you are his wife, they are his children. If you all can't afford to go then no one can- unless she wants to pay for it. The next time she pipes up with "You should come" calmly turn around and tell her "Okay, if you want to pay for it" Then say it everytime she mentions it. She'll get the picture.

hello,

here are my thoughts on situation. I understand you feeling your h should stand up to his mom. I agree, however when it comes to your kids that is your right to tell her to stop.
sounds like your mil has some control issues, Mine does to. It seems after 13 years i dislike her more and more. my h doesnt like to say anything to his m either, however, in this case (and I have to say I felt a bit of gratitude here) my h would have said if the family doesnt go he woulnt go.I am my h family. My h m cares more about h xw then him. his m started inviting xw and her new family to family xmas. my h just let it go. well last dec his xw filed to raise his cs 6 months before d turns 18 boy was h mad his m still invited xw to family xmas. that was the straw that broke the camels back. my h told his dad we werent going and if they choose to have her there every year we will no longer be going. I was so proud of him cause I know that was real hard for him. but like i said weve been married over 13 years. for years now it seems when we hear anything about his mother its becuse she has called the x and we have found out by the daughter. Anyway I guess im saying i totally understand your frustration. If your h really feels obligated which i probably would too, i would flat out tell mil fine , but you will have to pay for him cause WE CANT AFFORD IT.

anyway good luck to you, let us know how it turns out. and thanks for helping me to see somthing good in my h that i wasnt really looking at, i am now grateful.

NOt sure if i should do this or not but I think i will. MIL keeps saying over and over to all of us that Husbands sister is saying"he should at least make the effort to go by himself". Thinking it over more and more i believe this very well just be coming out of MIL mouth and NOT his sisters. So I was thinking of phoning MIL tonight and asking for Sister in laws new phone number, saying well i just wanted to talk to her about wanting H to go. I just want to see her reaction to see if it actually IS her saying this or if it is both of them. My intuition tells me MIL is the one!! Im just furious with her still and i wish i could just tell her off and tell her what a ****** she is!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> aagh! DO you think i should? Or just leave it alone.
thanks for replies it really helps to hear from you all

Sounds like your husband wants to go with or without you. You need to show some respect for his autonomy. This is his sister's wedding so the choice is his, not yours. If you do not want to go, then fine. But if he wants to go, let HIM deal with the financial aspect of it. I would have died before I spoke to my husband the way you did or criticised my MIL mother to my husband. How disrespectful. And are you having these outbursts about your children's grandmother in front of them? That would be inappropriate and disrespectful also.

You seem a little controlling to me. You want to control how your H interacts with his mother. You want to control what your MIL says to your children. You want to control where your SIL has her wedding.

The only thing you can control is yourself and you are not doing a very good job of it. You are totally out-of-control wanting to start more trouble by calling your SIL to drag her into your hegemonic vortex.

WHOA you are way out of line there pieta. I HAVE told my H if he wants to go go, but i don't feel that is financially responsible in ANY WAY to put a family of 4 in debt for 10,000 or even $3000 for one person to go on a vacation!!! Plus it also takes away from US as a family of 4 going on a vacation together which will take at least another year to save for if he plans to go to this wedding!
DO you honestly believe that my MIL should be discussing this type of thing with my children?? This is not something to be disscussed with them...plus she just makes them feel bad every time she asks b/c they would love to go and so would we all but the fact of the matter is WE DON"T HAVE THE MONEY!!!
I am not controlling, if I was controlling I would of grabbed the damn phone and told her to STOP DRAGGING MY KIDS INTO THIS! I Do NOT WANT TO CONTROL WHERE MY SISTER IN LAW HAS HER WEDDING EITHER! I think its absoloutely great they are going there...and i wish them all the best, but I ALSO believe anyone that decides to get married far away they should NOT EXPECT any other people to go into debt to go to thier wedding!!!!!! I wish we were rich and had the cash but WE DON"T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wasn't going to drag my sister in law into this, i was planning to phone her and say i am so sorry we can't make it and i wish we could be there, if we had the money we would come!

Is your H the only sibling? Are inlaws just pressuring you or other siblings too?

I would have to rely on the POJA here. It is clear that your family paying their way to attend the SIL wedding would not be in enthusiastic agreement on your part nor your H going without you and his family. So unless you
& H can brainstorm a solution that will make you TWO happy about going to this wedding I'd tell MIL that it's a no go for us.

Is is VERY inconsiderate of MIL to breech this subject with the children for sure. Who wouldn't want to go to the caribbean?!?!? Telling MIL off will NOT help tho (AO).

Perhaps you could have a small get-together for SIL & new H when they return from their wedding/honeymoon since you cannot attend the wedding.

No he is not the only sibling there is another sister who is going...she has no kids and lots of money, so no problem with her going. I wasn't going to tell my MIL off, i just said "I WISH" i could tell her... I know it wouldn't make it better, it would just give her more to balk talk about me with.
Thank you joie_de_vivre for your post and others...it IS very inconsiderate of MIL...especially when my youngest comes off almost in tears from her...that is a problem. Its one thing with the crap she pulls with me but when she does it to my kids..it really upsets me!!!!!
She will go out of her way to play head games with them and go out of her way to let them do things i say no to...for an example they spent a week with her at the lake, my youngest wasn't a strong swimmer i told her under no circumstsances are you to go into the water...which was over 25 ft deep without your life jacket, i also told MIL. My Daughter wasn't thrilled as she thought it was emberassing...but i say its for your own safety everyone should be wearing one in that depth of water regardless of how well they swim. WEll after they get back i get pictures from thier trip developed and see that she is IN THE WATER WITHOUT A LIFE JACKET!!! This is the kind of crap she is constantly pulling with me...even putting MY CHILDS life at risk!

I know how you feel - believe me - my MIL has done similar things to myself and my children in the past. I believe as you do - if you want to me mean to me that's one thing but DO NOT act that way towards my children. MIL definately does act selfishly and you and H need a POJA to handle her...in this sitution and others. I know that this is easier said than done but remember: United you stand - divided you fall.

You would really think it is OK to let your husband miss his own sister's wedding for $3,000? To me this kind of thinking is irrational.

You may have told your husband he can go, but it seems to me that you have done so with anger and assigned guilt. Where is the love? Where is the compassion? Those words you used to ask you H if he was going and the way you criticized his mother to him--you sounded like a rude, ungracious fishwife.

Attending a sibling's weddings, parents' 50th anniversary, funerals--these are basic responsibilities--even if there is a price tag on them and there ALWAYS is.

What if your husband needed $3000 to bury his mother? Would you be freaking out over that also?

Marriage brings these kinds of expenses over the years. They are to be expected.

I still think you are controlling. Look how you said I was out-of-line because I simply have a different opinion than you. Are you looking for validation, not advice. You didn't get validation from your husband, just anger. Why? I suspect he agrees with me.

Your MIL did not say anything that 'over-the-top' to your children to warrant the way you have reacted and the way you have disrespected her in front of your husband.

My MIL is 93. She thinks she's married to Bobby Kennedy and that my son drives by her house in a red pick-up and throws stones at her aluminum door. That's life, Toots, and children need to learn to respect their grandparents regardless of what is wrong with them.

Honey, your headed straight for the 'Lovebuster Hall of Fame. If you keep it up there won't be enough glue on the planet to put your marriage back together.

well pieta it seems that from all the replies i got YOU are the ONLY One that feels this way. The funeral remark is just ridiculous as well...come on! And I did say he could go nicely and I did say if you want to go by all means you should go, but don't FEEL OBLIGATED too. Won't be happening anyways because WE ARE BROKE ANYWYAS! so solves that one. If it means going into debt that is not financially responsible and we won't be doing that! We have gone over all our debts and budgets and there is no way at all that we could do it. Obviously $3000 doesn't seem like much to you but it is a LOT to us, especially when we literally live paycheck to paycheck!!!!!!! AND all i told him is that "I WISH YOUR MOTHER WOULD NOT DISCUSS THIS WITH THE KIDS!" How is that horrible in anyway...SHE IS IN THE WRONG! This is a subject that is not supposed to be discussed with them! they are KIDS! not ADULTS!
Whatever...everybody else agrees with me on this your thinking is just off the wall.

Fed Up, your right in feeling the way you do. she is your mother in law and your not the carpet she can wipe her feet on!
She should respect your home and how you do things in your home. If she's so ****** bent on you guys going knowing your financal situation , she I suggest she pay for all of you to go.

fed up ... what's the latest on your wedding sich? Any resolution or still in conflict?

Whoa, I think Pieta is missing the point as well that it's been years since you guys have had a family vacation with your kids. THAT is your husbands priority now, not his mother and sister. Remember- a man shall leave his mother and father and cleve to his spouse? Letting her rule the roost is not cleaving!

Thanks i agree Pieta IS missing the point, thanks for the reply. Nothing has happened of as yet, haven't talked to them at all...thank god they live out of town...im expecting she will try to phone husband again this weekend when he comes home...so we'll see! We won't be going b/c there is no way we would have the money anyways..and im not going to dip into the little savings i have already for our"family" trip we have been plannign for a years.

IMO, if the bride and groom have chosen this location to have the wedding, they certainly should not expect others to "feel obligated" to afford such an expense based on their decision to do this. Family or not ... if they wanted to insure that everyone could attend (family or not), they should have planned it locally.

I find such an expectation by the MIL and the couple, under the financial & familial circumstances pertaining to all of the guests, to be a very selfish one. What about the responsibilities we all have toward our own immediate family? Needs of the spouse and kids come first. I'll probably get bombarded for expressing my opinion here, but it stands.

They made their decision, you are entitled to make yours. Couples get married every day without family members present. If my husband were to spend our income due to a sibling's personal "choice of location" and MIL pushed it, I would be spitting fire; especially when I and my children could not afford to accompany him for monetary or any other reason(s). We all have homes and families to run, we can't just "drop our lives" when others choose such an inconvenience. Let MIL or the bride and groom foot the bill if they would feel so "put off" because he didn't attend with his entire immediate family! At the very least, if he goes, you go too -- at their expense.

Why do people behave so selfishly and then expect others to foot the bill or go at the expense of another's feelings, at that?!