And I also feel it's the husband's responsibility to "step up to the plate" and set them straight -- about it all. It's his immediate family and his responsibility that they show you respect at all times, pertaining to the children as well. Those are boundaries that should already be in place once we say those vows.

THANK YOU 2teary eyes! You ARE SO RIGHT!!!! It is SO INFURIATING! and nothing i can do..husband won't step up to the plate...can't stand up to his mother which is so maddening!!!!! I want to say something but i know it will start a fued...i just wish they would realize that they are in the wrong here. I am dreading christmas completely now,i will either have to bite my toungue big time or just let her have it when she starts b/c i know for a fact she will.thanks for the post it makes me feel much better about it all having someone understand and feel the way i do about such a situation.

Hi Fed Up,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I totally relate to your frustration and your husband not standing up to his mother.

It seems your MIL has this image of how her daughter's wedding should be, and that includes her son in it. She sounds like a very selfish woman who could care less if you came or not, or how her needs affect anyone else. She wants what she wants, and will even try to manipulate her grandchildren since she thinks that will help her get what she wants.

I have a lot of trouble w/ my MIL. Sometimes my husband stands up, sometimes not. Though, after we took the seminar, he seems to be doing better.

Here's a scenario from my life that might help you think about your situation from another point of view.

This past year was my Father in law's 75th birthday. I like my FIL a lot. He and MIL have been divorced for 35 years, and FIL has been married 30 yrs to a lovely woman. Anyway, FIL's birthday happens to be the same day as mine. What he said he wanted most for his birthday was to share it with his sons. FIL lives across the country so Step-MIL paid for the trip as a gift to FIL.

Even though it was the same birthday as mine and my husband would be gone the whole weekend, I told my husband to "GO" with my blessings. First, it was the right thing to do and second, I really like my FIL, and I knew how much the day would mean to him.

My husband was shocked at my response, thinking that I would be upset that he would be gone for my birthday and that he should spend my birthday with me.

He asked me if it had been his Mother's birthday and he had to leave town for a few days to celebrate it with her, would I feel the same way.

Truthfully, the answer is NO. His mother has caused us so many problems, that my LOVE bank is totally empty when it comes to her, so there is no way I would want my husband to miss my birthday for her.

Question to you -- Are you upset because you don't like your MIL, and you really don't want to go because you know how much it would mean to her? Deep down, do you feel that she doesn't deserve your family spending "your vacation money" to please her?

Truthfully, that's how I would feel if my MIL did this. However, if it were someone else in my life, like my Aunt-in-law (MIL's sister) whom I adore, I would find a way to either get my whole family to the wedding or let my husband go without a fuss because it would mean something to my Aunt.

I think it's normal not to want to feel generous with a person who has not been generous to you, and has caused you many problems over the years.

Give it some thought, and then go back to negotiating with your husband about the wedding. Does he REALLY want to go? If goes alone, could you go on a vacation next year anyway, but just not something very expensive.

I think you might feel more enthusiastic about your husband going alone if you feel like you can get something in return to fill up your Love Bank.

For example, you could tell your husband to go, but then in return ask not to spend Xmas at MIL's this year. It will be all YOUR family this year.

Or maybe, if he goes alone, then you get to choose where you'll go on vacation.

My advice -- to make your marriage more peaceful and your children happy -- Let your husband go with your blessing, but try to negotiate something in return that means something to you so you don't feel resentful for having to "give" so much all the time, especially to someone like your MIL who takes too much from your husband, your children and yourself.

Just my 2 cents.
CNJ

CNJ, honestly i would love to have the money to send my H and that would be fine with me...but what they are asking is for us to go into debt! its alot of money for just one person...which we don't even have and they EXPECT us to go into debt which i won't and can not do! I have never thought it to be financially responsible and can NOT put myself into a situation where i will be in debt to go on a trip. I can't responsibly say okay ya lets go into debt for you to go...my H job is not a stable one and last year i was the only one supporting our family so i can't depend on his salary to pay back a trip. What he would just spend on himself to go there would be a trip for our whole family which i might add we would have to work very hard and sacrafice alot of things for. Realistically going over our money and budgets the last couple of days if he does go and we do go into debt then financially we could not afford a family trip, it just wouldn't happen. The other thing is that i don't think it is fair to my children. I have told them for years now that i want to take them on a family vacation...how do i say to them..im sorry we won't be going anywhere daddy will be spending our money to go somewhere by himself. I can't do that to my kids, MIL made my younger child cry b/c she told her "your dad should come if you can't come at least: I mean what the ******? my child then comes to me and says(with tears in her eyes!) i guess we won't be going on our family trip..how can i look my child in the face and say "sorry but its not happening?" i can't do it.

Hi Fed up,

I understand your concern over the money...is it possible MIL will pay for his trip, or half of it? I don't know where you live, but $3000 for one person to go to the Bahamas seems like an awful lot. Can he just go for a few days and share a hotel room with some people? There has to be some way to cut the costs.

Truly, I'm not pushing that your husband go or not go. The reason why I responded to your post is that I felt compassion for you, seeing as I've had my share of MIL problems myself.

I know how it feels when your husband puts his mother before his wife and kids. It hurts a lot and resentments build, particularly if the MIL is controlling and manipulative.

You will choose to do whatever is best for you...it just seems to me that you're really really angry right now and you're not really looking inside yourself at the resentments you have towards both your MIL and H. Perhaps SIL, too? It's her wedding, how does she feel about her brother going or not going? Is she a prima donna who expects everyone to attend no matter what the cost or inconveniece? Why did she choose to have a wedding so far away? Is it possible that she really didn't want anyone to come? Also, who's paying for the wedding? Maybe you can suggest to MIL that in lieu of a gift to her daughter, she can pay your husband's way to the wedding...that would be her gift.

Regardless, you can remain angry if you want. This will hurt your kids more than anything else. You can make it all about "the money" -- but I don't think that's the whole of it.

From reading your posts, you sound sick and tired and "fed up" with being pushed around by MIL while H stands by and does nothing, including not saying anything while she manipulates your children. Since you brought all the money in last year and he did not, does it add to the resentment?

Right now is sounds like a boxing match: SISTER'S WEDDING vs FAMILY VACATION.

I suggest you take the gloves off and try to find a way for this to work for all of you.

CNJ.

cnj thanks for your post,
Ha! you kidding?? she wouldn't put in a friggin dime! she doesn't even buy my kids bday presents or my husband bday presents...there is no way she would.$3000 would just get him there too, just for a week..and not include spending money which i know would be at least another 500 at least, there is no possible way to go for a few days...and this price IS based on double occupancy, so he'd have to be in a room with someone, the price to go for a few days is more than going for the week. Its not all about the money,the money is just the reality of it all that she doesn't even think about...even after we say "uh we dont' have that kind of money" it is about her approach to this whole situation and what she is saying to my children, that gets me. No there is no resentment in regards to me bringing in the money,what we both make is ours and i have always felt that way. Yes there is alot of resentment towards her...but i have taken the higher road and not stooped to her level and told her off which i have wanted to do. Unfortunately it does come down to this...go in debt..b/c no way we could have that amount of money by spring time and he go, or go on a family vacation sometime after we save enough to go...or if his job falls through....go back to being broke again. thats the reality we are looking at at the moment.