Hi everyone,

My STBX and I have a serious disagreement about custody. I have had full custody since she moved out about three years ago. I have wanted custody to stay the way it is with her getting every other weekend, half the holidays and six weeks in the summer. She wants a 50/50 split (or close to it).

She has claimed all along that all she wants is equal access to the kids because she believes that is what's in their best interest. The facts are that she has seen the kids LESS than the schedule I have laid out, many times going as long as eleven days with no contact at all (including phone calls). There is a big disconnect between what she says she wants and what she has actually been doing.

I don't know what is motivating her at this point, but I had an idea. What if I offer to give her 50/50 or close to it with the stipulation that no money will trade hands between us. When the kids are with her, she pays their way and vice versa. We both make pretty close to the same money and any difference could be made up pretty easily (one of us could spend more at Christmas for example).

My main reason for wanting custody the way I do is that I don't like the idea of the kids moving back and forth between households so much, it seems too chaotic. I would be taking a chance here.

What I believe my STBX is trying to do is save face. She wants to be able to tell everyone that she has 50/50 custody. Judging by the past three years along with the lack of interest she showed in the kids for several years prior to her leaving, what would happen is that I would have the kids with me as much as I do now.

As it is she pays VERY little for the kids so this arrangement would in theory make it easier for me financially. It would also put the ball entirely in her court. She would not be able to blame me for her lack of time with the kids (which she does now). She would have to put up or shut up. If this is really about her trying to get CS from me she will have to come out with that. If it's about her fear of having to pay me CS than this would let her off the hook there. If this is about her having learned a life lesson and she wanted to be the kind of parent to the kids that she should be, then we could probably all be pretty content with this arrangement.

What do you think?

Thanks,
starman
p.s. I posted this in the Divorce Forum also. I don't know why I'm telling you this, it just seems like everyone does when they post in two different forums.

Starman,

My impression is that you are willing to play with your kids lives so that you might get some ease on the financial burdern and because you don't want to deal with your exW. Get a grip. I am assuming you are a good father and parent, you were when you posted here years ago.

I see NO advantage to changing the situation NOW especially since YOU KNOW she doesn't even use all of her time with them now. Do you think they will enjoy being ignored by her when she has them? Do you think she will care for them better than she did before the divorce? Do you think there is any way changing this improves your children's lives? I don't. If she is clamoring to see them more often be generous with visitation, but do NOT lose control of this situation or your children a likely to be hurt.

I would feel much differently if her past indicated she was a dedicated mom. You must realize that the courts gave you (a man) full custody for a reason. It was felt you were a FAR better parent and more stable. Being a male and getting custody means the courts felt very stronly about this otherwise she would have gotten at least 50/50 or full custody as she is the female.

I think your ideas are ill-conceived.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Having custody of the children should be about more than saving face.

Starman, if it is indeed about finances why not just let her off the hook for CS? It sounds like you don't need the money anyway and you could always go back to court later if you do. I would not conceed to 50/50. My attorney told me that realistically the custodial parent has the kids 80 percent of the time. He said it is very rare for 50/50 to actually happen. Do what is best for your kids, not your stbxw.

I gave my very absent ex a 50/50 schedule in our divorce trying to be fair to US as PARENTS.

In reality, it's not us, the parents, I should have been fair to but rather our children.

I've ended up in a months long custody case at this point having to prove that my children should remain with me because I gave up my legal standing as the 'residential parent' when we went 50/50.

My new husband and I have spent $10,000+ because unfortunatley the other parent in a 50/50 custody situation does NOT have to put up or shut up.

Seriously think about this before you enter into an agreement. Custody shouldn't be about what is fair for the parents but rather what is best for your children.

FIM

starman,

Whatever your WW's motives are now for wanting more time,I would go with what is in the best interest of the children and not consider,too much,what your WW says.

Kids need stability,as we all know and I agree that shuffling them back and forth between households is destructive and there have been a couple of studies I have read about that confirms this.Having to pick up your stuff and shuttle to two different homes is unsettling.Why should the kids have to alter their lives for a mom that was not involved? If she truly wants to spend more time with them then she should make it as easy on them as possible.

In my case,my WH lives in another country and sees the kids EOW and some time in summer.But if he ever moved closer then I would consider altering the schedule if they really felt a need to see him more.I dislike my WH but I would never keep him from his kids.However,my girls have been affected by this A very much, as all kids are,and they are ok with the arrangement we have.In fact,they balk at having to go with him many times(especially my oldest) since it interupts their lives.But it's a fact that he just isn't a part of their lives like he used to be.And I have been the one in their lives all along,through this,supporting them.I wouldn't even consider money as a factor here.It's all about how the kids would best benefit.

Do you think you could talk to your kids about this,say,the older ones? They have a right to express their opinions too.This is about them and their lives.

Good luck.

O

Thanks for the replies everyone. It was a big shot in the arm that I needed.

Just Learning,

I haven't been awarded anything in court yet. Our first court appearance was this past Monday. I got my hopes up that we would at least start working on getting all this settled and instead my STBX asked for and was granted a continuance. So it's going to be several more months before we get to try this again. Part of this was prompted by my frustration from that.

Money is not an issue, at least not for me. My financial situation actually improved when my STBX left because she didn't work outside the home and REALLY liked to spend money. It was just a fact that would have come out of this arrangement.

Now that I have calmed down from my disappointment I see your point about playing with my kids lives. No matter how confident I am that things would end up the same, I don't KNOW that so it would be silly to take the chance.

My STBX was VERY upset that I had witnesses lined up and was obviously ready to hit this hard. She was very emotional and seems ready to fight hard to get a 50/50 custody arrangement. It is completely baffling to me considering how much time she has spent with the kids since she moved out. I thought this would be a perfect way to get at her true intentions because it took away all but one possible motivation. That was her desire to spend time with her kids.

But I realize that I have been spending too much time the last couple of days worrying about her intentions. I AM doing the right thing and I can always be more generous in the future if the situation warrants it. Thank you JL.

faithful follower,

Sometimes I lose a little confidence that I am doing the right thing with custody. I see a lot of people who have a 50/50 split and I think maybe I am being too hard on my STBX. I mean it's not that she doesn't take care of them when they are with her. It's more about a serious lack of her WANTING them around her for any length of time. And her lack of interaction with them when they stay with her. It's been good to have my ideas on custody reinforced, I needed that.

I have kept the CS card in my back pocket as a bargaining chip. I would gladly give up any claim for CS if it looks like it would help settle this in my favor. I do think that the idea of my STBX having to pay me CS is EXTREMELY galling to her. That is motivating her more than the idea of getting CS from me.

faithinme,

Sorry about your situation. I have a close friend who is going through an almost identical situation. She tried to be nice to her X and simply agreed to split custody and expenses in a very vague way. She is also currently back in court. It does seem that a person is better off getting as much control over the situation as they can first. There is an inclination by a lot of us to want to try and be congenial, but if two people are at the point of getting a D there is usually going to be a dispute at some point. Better to get it out of the way early I suppose.

Octobergirl,

I am going to try and look into the data on kids and how they respond in different custodial situations. I know I've seen some in the past but I would like to have it with me on court day.

Funny you should mention talking with the kids. I have been thinking a lot about this the last couple of days. That's one thing I haven't done much of. I have been afraid of putting them in the position of thinking they are being asked to choose between the two of us. I do want to figure out how to talk with them about this without doing that. If you have any suggestions I would love to hear them.

Thanks and God Bless
starman

Starman, Some states allow children to choose which parent they want to live with once they reach a certain age.
At what age does your state allow that? I would think the 15, 13 yr olds definitely. The 10yr old, maybe. I heard in TX they could indicate a preference. If she didn't/couldn't be custodial parent 2 years ago, what has changed?
It would be a shame to split them up. I would fight them as hard as I could. Good luck with this.

Texasgirl

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