If I have a cold, I will likely cough. But just because I cough, it doesn't neccessarily mean I have a cold.

If I'm sex addicted, I will likely deny it. But just because I deny it, it doesn't neccessarily mean I'm sex-addicted. It may just mean that I recognize that 'sex addiction is a WAY over-applied term, and it doesn't apply to me.

Why is it sad that you would dislike the idea of 60-90 days without sex? Why do you apologize for being male?

FireAndIce
(With a tip 'o the hat to SlapNuts!)

Yes, that's what I'm saying.

The only control he'll gain is over himself. And while that is a very good thing, it won't neccessarily bring him what he wants with regard to his W. That may not be the MB party-line, but it's real-life.

Yep. I understand that for the healthies of marriages, if both people focus on the other person's needs, it works better than saying "if you don't meet mine I'm not going to meet yours". And that to give it the chance to work, I have to go the optimistic route. But I am affraid that I'm suffering and trying while she doesn't excersise healthy things in return.

Today is day 5 with no sex or release. After the encouragement from everybody I was quite mellow and fired up. I had a few hours at home before she got back so I did laundry, washed the dishes, drew a picture of myself holding flowers (with washable crayons on the shower wall) and wrote "Babe, I love you. I couldn't wait for you to get home!" She really got a kick out of it. I made a simple dinner and waited for her to get home.

When it was time to go to bed I gave her a message and then laid down and didn't mention sex at all. Deep down I wished she were interested in sex but she didn't mention it so I had a good attitude and fell asleep. It was not easy but at least I felt I was doing the right thing as you guys suggested.

So far so good. Till like 2am. I woke up SUPER horny!! I couldn't sleep for 1.5 hours. My mind was racing with all sorts of dirty thoughts of what I wished my wife and I would do. I started to compromise my morals and be willing to do things which I know she'd probably like but that I'm grossed out by. I was unmistakably desparate. I felt I couldn't go any more like this. I contemplated masterbating but talked myself out of it. And here's where I made my mistake. I woke her up and hinted that I was really suffering. Of course this turned her off and she was annoyed I woke her up. This kind of happened on and off all morning. I feel like I sabatoged the good I did last night.

But even right now, I am extremely sexually frustrated. And while I know that my level of drive is really bad and unhealthy, I am trying to be a good husband. And the fact that my wife will let me go 5 days without sex when she knows I can't masterbate just seems really cruel. I know this is my addition coloring my view but still...

I do agree that it's as-if I have to apologize for being a male. I'm supposed to supress my male drive and "see it from a woman's point of view" which is "just don't think about it". If only it were that easy or low of a desire to handle... Whoever said "it's a man's world" hasn't been in my shoes. I feel like I'm being asked to play by the women's rules and deny my male instinct.

Oh man.

“””After the encouragement from everybody I was quite mellow and fired up. I had a few hours at home before she got back so I did laundry, washed the dishes, drew a picture of myself holding flowers (with washable crayons on the shower wall) and wrote "Babe, I love you. I couldn't wait for you to get home!" She really got a kick out of it. I made a simple dinner and waited for her to get home.

When it was time to go to bed I gave her a message and then laid down and didn't mention sex at all. Deep down I wished she were interested in sex but she didn't mention it so I had a good attitude and fell asleep. It was not easy but at least I felt I was doing the right thing as you guys suggested.”””

AWESOME…. AWESOME… AWESOME…… Remember what I said about “expectations” the other day. And dude, I truly don’t know what y’alls relationship has been like but one day ain’t going to change anything…….

”””I started to compromise my morals and be willing to do things which I know she'd probably like but that I'm grossed out by.”””

Curious, what is that?

“””And here's where I made my mistake. I woke her up and hinted that I was really suffering. Of course this turned her off and she was annoyed I woke her up. This kind of happened on and off all morning. I feel like I sabotaged the good I did last night.”””

I agree with you in that you made a withdrawal after making so many love bank deposits. Again, it was one day…. You definitely don’t want her to associate you only doing good things with you wanting sex.

”””And the fact that my wife will let me go 5 days without sex when she knows I can't masturbate just seems really cruel.”””

It’s obvious the marriage ain’t in a healthy place right now. Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t believe your wife is striking out with malice to be cruel to you. I do think her love bank is running low and on top of that she still has some issues with the rape. Again, look where your control is. Your control lies in your actions and your actions can either add to or take away from her love bank....

”””I do agree that it's as-if I have to apologize for being a male…….deny my male instinct.”””

I personally don’t agree with any of that. Now if you’ve been an awesome and loving husband who has filled her love bank, not engaged in independent behaviors, not exhibited angry outbursts or disrespectful judgments and she still wasn’t meeting your needs realistically, then I would have a problem with her not putting out…..

All I can do is keep trying. I'm mad at myself now for having annoyed her with wanting to have sex. I know somewhere in her mind she is thinking "he was just sweet yesterday to get sex". And I can't blame her; I know it looks that way.

I purposefully kept that one part vague. It was important enough not to omit but I knew it would spark curiosity. Maybe the word "beads" is enough.

I do have fears that nothing will ever be good enough for my wife. She has that personality trait to a degree-- and her mother is worse. When we were dating we'd go on bike rides on a scenic road, play tennis, eat at restaurants, hang out and watch tv, went to the pool together... and she'd still complain that I didn't take her out on dates-- the kind where it's a surprise and the man planns out everything and pays for it all too. She actually has tallent in that area. She's planned some dates for us before and I gotta admit they were cool. But that's not my strength. I've tried to tell her that and she won't hear it. She wants me to change because what she wants from me is "easy". Since it doesn't come naturally, I am doing my best to surf websites and stuff to get ideas of romantic things to do. Drawing on the shower tiles with washable crayons was an idea I got from the internet. She was shocked and acted like she really liked it. I wonder if I'll ever live up to what she demands though. Alright, pitty party over. Back to work.

Well, I would say that she was expressing to you that Affection is high up on her emotional needs list. Dr. Harley defines it as the following in the Emotional Needs Survey:

"Affection (the expression of love in words, cards, gifts, hugs, kisses, and courtesies;creating an environment that clearly and repeatedly expresses love)."

She may also be displaying a need for Admiration which can further be fulfilled by these types of acts:

"Admiration (respecting, valuing and appreciating you clearly and often)."

Affection and Admiration are very high on my list as well as my wife's. Planning of dates, writing of poetry out of the blue, little cards, gifts, notes in the underwear drawer......etc......


Actually, THAT WAS AWESOME.......

Well, not much longer till my work day is over and I go home. Everyone wish me the best that I'll be a loving, respectful, and fun husband this weekend. I'm trying to go at it with the attitude that no sex will be a good thing because it's that much more assurance for her that sex is not my motivation; that I really do care about her. I pray that I don't do anything stupid like I did last night and ruine the progress. SO. Everybody have a great weekend! Keep the posts rolling in. Your support here really is encouraging me!

Jeff

Hey guy, sorry you had a rough night. You know when you find youself like you did last night you need to redirect your mind. For me I use to have to take a moment of prayer and work on settling my thoughts. What happens is you let your thoughts take you captive. Instead you need to be the one taking you thoughs captive. That is the addiction, one thought leads to the next, to the next to the next. You have to capture the thoughts and stop them.

Last night was good. We went out and had dinner at a restaurant, did some shopping together, then watched TV together. I had bought her a CD during the day that I had heard her say she wanted in the past -- on of those "promote deep sleep" ones. I put it under her pillow. When she got to bed I told her I thought the Tooth Fairy might have stopped by. There was a moment of confusion because by chance, she too had stashed something for me under my pillow!!-- a small pack of life-savers!! So we laughed, she liked her CD, and we slept soundly. I gave her a massage this morning while we relaxed listening to the CD. Still no initition of sex by her (which is fine) but there is some affection from her which makes me very happy. Things are slowly starting to get better. Thanks guys!

Continued good progress. We've had an argument or two about it this week but we have done some fun things together. We played pictionary together last night. We also read a couple's devotional last night before going to bed. She's also very emotionally available which feels great. We have had sex which helps round out my mood and sex drive but I do feel like I'm learning to honor her better and much better about not being demanding about sex. I'm glad I'm going through this hardship because I feel like I'm coming out the other side a better person and that I've learned some valuable things about what it means to be a good husband. Thanks everybody.