For any of you that have followed my sitch, you know that my situation is unusual in that my FWW A happened more than ten years ago but D-Day was just two months ago. Through the excellent advice recieved here and with my IC I was able to move through recovery faster than most as we did not have to deal with the fog issues and actually breaking up the A as most are currently dealing with. However, our recovery including my personal recovery was being impeded with my feelings toward the OM. This was agitated by his inappropriate contacts many years after the A had ended.

Skipping forward about a week, I decided to contact OM to set my boundaries. After calling his cell phone for three days and not being answered or calls returned, I was able to get him to answer today. I explained to him that in order for me to move forward that I needed to make sure that he clearly understood my boundaries. He supposedly reconciled with his wife many years ago but continued to occassionally contact my wife for several years even though she clearly had nothing to do with him.

My wife had what many would describe as a spousal inferiority affair. She did not feel like an equivalent to me and with her low self esteem combined with plenty of LB's from me she chose to fulfill her EN's with someone more on her level that could give her the admiration and attention that she felt like was missing in her M at the time. She clearly chose someone who was about as different from me as possible especially in the brain department.

Through my recovery even though we really fell in love again and have enjoyed a much more fulfilling, honest and open relationship post D-day, like most BS's I still was dealing with some new found insecurity issues of my own.

My contact with OM today was nothing short of an ephinany for me. First, there can be no question about what I expect out of OM from here on out. My boundaries are firmly established and he even agreed with them. Secondly, although I had no idea of how that I would react when I actually got to talk to him, I was able to control my emotions, talk intelligently, and establish that I was a much better person than he was. This was more important for me than for him because it made me believe that I was the right choice for my W despite her temporary abduction by aliens. Since he was not exactly a rocket scientist, when I was talking to him, I kind of had some fun by mind f*cking him during the conversation. His head was spinning and I was coming across as a nice guy. While he thought I was being reasonable and just doing what was necessary for me to move forward, I left some subliminal messages for him that will stay with him for many years. It has been about 8 hours since our conversation, so I suspect that much of it is just now sinking in for him. When I hung up the phone, I felt far better than if I would have broken his legs. The best part was that I know that I handled this in the most appropriate way and can now move forward in my R with my W.

As I reflected on this experience and related it to others who are closer to the actual event, a light bulb went off for me that I felt I should share. I did not have control over my FWW and OM's decision to have an A. I didn't really have control over this event coming to light after many years. But I did have control over how I responded to things after D-day and the better person that I have become since that time. My phone conversation today allowed me to reestablish the boundaries with both my wife and OM. W has no interest in ever seeing him again, hasn't for many years but continued contact by OM occassionally was not good for anyone. Believe me, he will never try to contact again.

What I have taken out of this experience is that in addition to the BS understanding that they have no ownership or control in the A, through following MB principles they take back control in their lives regardless of the outcome of their M. I know for most that exposure is the hardest part of plan A. I didn't really have to do that except post AE. I did expose to OMW even though she already knew. But when you expose, work for NC, then fight for survival of the marriage every step you take as a BS is more more step towards closure of the most painful thing you will ever experience. In the end, you will regain your confidence (I think all BS struggle with confidence and self esteem after D-day) and you will be a stronger, more loving, more compassionate spouse and parent and many people will benefit from your strength.

It is often said here that it is not the A that is the best thing that happens to many M, it is how we respond to the A that is the best thing that ever happened to a M. Recovery is a rollercoaster no doubt, but our M is stronger and more fulfilling than I could have ever imagined.

Good luck to all those here struggling to save their M. Know that many prayers are with you all and that even in the darkest hour, there is hope and the reward will be great for the work that you have to do. I have said on other posts that the BS has to carry the load early in recovery in most cases. It's not fair after going through what a BS has to endure but in the end the reward will be worth it.

Thanks for your post. It is good to get a perspective from one who has 'walked through the fire' of recovery.... and survived. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

There is always hope, at least until the D becomes final or a full recovery is achieved. Not to say that there aren't major bumps (or potholes) in the road on the way.

You know, many people fail to ever "get this point" that you got today. They try and try and try as they might, but they never "get it". You have no doubt learned a great deal about yourself and life by this.

I think you say it so well....we may not have control over the things that happen in this life, but we sure as he%% have control over how we react to those things....

Bravo to you.

Great post.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You are right Lem, many don't get this point, but with all the issues that have to be dealt with by the BS, this is probably the toughest of them all. I will tell you that until you do "get this point" it is almost impossible to not dwell on the other issues related to an A, many of them which have no explanation really. Those issues just have to be accepted as the actions of an alien.