Today I was reminded of one of the very good reasons we should not go looking for ways of getting revenge for some of the things that were done to us during the divorce. Aside from the fact that holding on to the anger like that can really cause some damage to your own mental well-being, and seeking the revenge can change you into a not-so-nice kind of person, there's the whole poetic justice thing....

God/karma/whatever you want to call it does frequently like to have a little fun with these kinds of things.

Some of you may remember that about a month and a half ago, my XH and his OW (who may or may not be divorced from her H yet, I don't really know), sent me a birth announcement. Given how things had gone in the past, given that he had raised my hopes about us having kids just before DDay, this was definitely done as a very spiteful thing towards me.

I just saw today, XH has been posting on the internet, looking for legal advice. They signed an affadavit of parentage when the baby was born because they knew he might not be the father, she couldn't stand not knowing for sure, they did a test, and he isn't the birth father of the kid. He also somewhere in all this said that this had essentially been the same situation with the child she had with her husband as well.

So, he threw away a 10+ year marriage with a wife who would have done anything for him, who was always faithful, who wanted to have kids with him, and with whom he would have KNOWN the kids were his, with whom bills were paid and things were taken care of, to be in that situation, with a woman who has cheated on him at least once, already has a baby by another man while she was with him, has a past history of this kind of behavior, where he is selling off everything he owns trying to make ends meet, and is wondering if someday the real father is going to change his mind and come around demanding to be part of his child's life.

And on top of all that, they feel the need to send that birth announcement to me, just their little way of bending over, pointing to their posteriors, and asking God to please kick them hard! (They sent it before they did the dna test on the baby... but they certainly knew what the possibilities were at that point.)

So many times thoughts of revenge went through my head. And so many times I got mad and yelled and screamed how none of this was fair.

And I now know, God was just telling me to be patient, that it would happen in His time, not mine.

And in the end, I'm so glad that it ended up going this way, because it means I'm out of that mess. From what I've seen over the past few years of my XH, he is addicted to this kind of drama and upheaval, and I can only be thankful that this happened before we did have kids. I feel so sorry for those poor kids that are caught up in the mess that my XH and his OW have made.

I'm still working on not caring what's going on with XH. Obviously, I'm not quite there yet. Right now I'm finding I'm having trouble not watching the train wreck, knowing that I got off the train just before the crash happened.

Be rest assured the Karma isn't done yet...Someday, hopefully, sooner than he thinks - he will see what you have posted above thru his own eyes...he will regret and mourn the loss of what could/should have been. He will sicken of the drama but it will be wayyyyy toooooo late....

HUGS

I'm evil today and DO NOT do this. But wouldn't it be fun to send a note congratulating him on the birth of someone else's child?

Dobie

Oh, I did think of it, believe me. But I would never do it. My thought was to send a note saying I wanted to send the dad a note of congratulations, but that I had no idea where to send it.

But it was just a momentary evil thought, then I beat that devil off my shoulder, and started working very, very hard to just say a whole lot of prayers for those poor kids (while trying very hard to wipe the smile off my face.)

lol...The evil thoughts are at least fun to have. Even just the innocent question of whether the baby looks like the mother or the father.

Dobie

Gee, you mean if I do ever happen to run into them, I could be one of those completely tactless people who just go on and on and on about how the baby looks absolutely nothing like him, I mean, how the baby seems to have gotten nothing from his side of the familly at all, well, maybe the nose...no not even that. Wow, it's amazing that she just didn't take after anyone in his family at all!!!

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Ok, maybe not. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Gosh, I agree completely with the idea that God will handle things, but I also believe in taking things on your own matter, but then again I am not a bad person. I am nervous today because things are not coming my way, I have no money for a lawyer and all I wanted was to save my marriage.

He has pushed by buttons in so many ways and yet, I'm being patient and waiting for God to take action. We are not yet divorced but he is in such a hurry that it kills me to think that this is because there could be a third wheel. My family has told me that he won't be happy because of the way he is and there's no woman that will put up with his selfishness, pushy-macho ways.

I hope God can give me the chance to see him crying, suffering and misserable when he realices that the reasons he had where BS and that he lost a person like me that gave him everything and was there for him and just like you, OSXGIRL I too wanted his baby's and when it was time to make my dreams come true he kicked out of his heart and life.

When my x left, I, too, wanted to see him crying, suffering, and miserable. Well, I've heard him cry. I've seen days when I could tell he was unhappy. I've seen, is a way, him suffer.

But the best revenge is what I've had.........

But isn't success the best revenge?, I think so too, I think that if I can get to be the thin woman I was before I have accomplished by success. I am trying to lose weight before I have to see him again. I don't know if I will have to see him again, I will try not to, but if I ever do I want to be ready for that day where I feel so beautiful that even if I see him with another girl I will be able to say ... BOY, PLEEEEASE!. According to everybody I have the looks, now I only need to recover that latina body I had and men will come running to mama!

Well, I did say I am still working on it. On the other hand... it DOES feel like vindication to see things fall apart like this for him. When the affair and the porn and the personals and such all came to light, and I was working so hard trying to save our marriage, he had determined years earlier, without ever discussing anything with me, that it was all over, and the answer for him was to move on. Of course, using the comfort of our marriage with me taking care of everything and paying for everything to do the searching. And when I was trying to fight for our marriage, and explain to him how he was making a mistake, and that he was just lining up all the same and worse mistakes to walk into all over again the way he was doing things, I was of course an idiot, and he knew better, he knew exactly what he was doing and what was best for him.

And every step of the way since then, he has at every turn used every opportunity possible to shove in my face how they are such a happy family and how wonderful things are and how everyone in the world says that he is so much happier these days and, of course, there's trying to throw the whole having kids in my face. He made sure it was announced very publicly to our group of mutual friends where I would see it the first time the OW was pregnant, which was well before we were divorced, and in fact only months after we ended our attempts at reconciliation. She ended up losing that one at about 4 months. And sending me a birth announcement for this one (as well as the public announcements to our mutual friends.)

All of this despite the fact that I have had no contact with him, with either of them, whatsoever. I think the fact that I'm enjoying seeing the cracks in the facade now is somewhat understandable under the circumstances.

Add to it that I am doing better than I have in YEARS. I am back to the old me - the me I was before I married. XH was rather emotionally abusive, and I had lost most of my self-confidence over the years, and had become a bit of a recluse. I am back to being very active at church, spending time with a number of friends, talking with and visiting with family as often as possible again, and overall, just generally happy again, which I hadn't been for a very long time.

I'm also back to having hobbies and interests again. That's another thing that had seemed to just be sapped out of me by the marriage (which, if I'm honest about it, I would guess that a very large portion of the marriage resulted in me being in a state of depression. I'd never had it before, and had no clue that's what was going on.) I don't believe my depression was chemical, it was almost certainly situational. I've finally gotten enough confidence in myself again that I actually sang a special at church last weekend.

And I am working on losing weight at this time. I'm not defined by that - I've found that even at my size (I am a very large woman) I really don't have that much trouble attracting men if I want. But I am doing it for my health and my comfort. I want to make it easier to get around when I travel, perhaps be able to ride roller coasters again, things like that. And so far, so good. I'm on a medically supervised program, and over the past 4 weeks, have lost just under 22 pounds. A lot of the weight I have I put on toward the end of the marriage, and I believe it was due to the stress I was under with the emotional abuse from my XH.

So the thing is, I don't need him to "fail" to be doing well. I am doing great - and actually have been ever since he walked out the door. From the day he did that, I took control of my life, didn't let him take advantage, and proceeded to get my life back in order. And along the way, a whole lot of things still happened - a major flood plus two other leaks in my home, I was diagnosed with a fairly serious medical problem that could result in my losing vision (but I'm responding to treatment and doing fine so far), my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer (but had surgery, they got it all, only had to take one lobe of his lung, no chemo, and HE'S doing fine too!), along with other various other les serious problems along the way, and I've managed to cope every time. With a whole lot of help from God, that is!!!

So yes, success is the best revenge, and I do think I have that already. But there still is a lot of satisfaction in seeing something that looks a whole lot like justice to me going on in his life.

....the revenge I have had is peace.

* Peace that I did all I could.
* Peace that my son's former therapist would testify in my behalf should I ever need for her to.
* Peace that my daughter's therapist keeps telling me, even in the midst of our current crisis, that I am doing a good job.
* Peace that my neighbors are amazed at what I have accomplished.
* Peace that my daughter knows who is really on her side.
* Peace that my mother is amazed and inspired by me - even though my sister has 2 master's degrees and her Ed.D.
* Peace that I still view myself as a work in progress. As opposed to x's failure to recognize that he might have a flaw.
* Peace that it will all turn out ok and that, one day, doofus will know that he messed up.
* Peace that his wife can't figure out why we ever got a divorce. And I know why - because his heart was so hard.
* Peace that I know God's work doesn't mean I am at church every time 'the doors are open' but it means that I take care of my family because taking total care of my children is God's most important work.

Hi Oxy, Cinderella:

I wish I could have that peace, but it's only been two months almost. What I'm noticing is that us "abandoned" women are overweight (most of the times), but I have talked about this with my mother and friends and they all agree that yeah, maybe if I had lost weight he would've forgotten about divorce, but ... FOR HOW LONG?. I too was told that this was over a year and a half ago and that hurts like crazy because I feel he was with me for his convenience to become legal and because he didn't have the guts to leave me, and worst of all is for pitty, I wish I could explode and show my real emotions but I can't, I learned to control my emotions with MB's.

I must say that I did very well for 8 months and he was happy, but I exploded when I realized he wasn't doing anything to make this marriage work and he dared to tell me that this marriage was working during those 8 months just because we were keeping our real emotions to ourselves, he made me think about this, but what he didn't realize was that we were actually trying to set our boundaries and wanting to try, but all of a sudden he saw it in anooooother whole different way just to make up an excuse.

He knows he doesn't have anything against me so he made so many ugly things up.

What I also realized was that my sister in law had given my husband the nickname of a friend she has in Mexico for any "emergency", well she had not arrived yet and he was already talking with her, when I noticed this I asked him who was the girl and he said a friend of my sister's for emergencies, and I thought, IS THIS AN EMERGENCY ALREADY?, I didn't say a thing because when ever I did, his words were I AM SICK OF YOUR INSECURITY, I CAN NEVER HAVE ANY FEMALE FRIENDS WITHOUT YOU FREAKING OUT.

I wonder if he will ever realize that he always gave me reasons, specially that night when he went out for drinks with his friends and saw an ex co-worker and he felt atracted to her again that night, she got drunk, he takes her to her house, TUCKS HER INTO BED!!! and sets a next day date while flirting with her, and leaves, he swears to god and on his son's life that nothing happened, he says YOU HAD LEFT THE HOUSE AND I THOUGHT I WAS NEVER GOING TO SEE YOU AGAIN, I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE TO LOOK FOR YOU!! , he lied and I told him this, he knew where I was and he knew I had reasons to leave the house during those 2 days 1/2. I should've left that night, but I didn't, he got on his knees and told me that I was the love of his life and that he missed me, and like the songs says I EVEN FELL FOR THE STUPID LOVE SONG!!!. Of Course I now know that it was because he had not yet becomed legal and the interview date was for next month!!

He now says I was the one who got on her knees, that he felt bad for me and that's why HE stayed.

How sick!!

I think his sister has set him up with a friend of hers, well, this girl he was talking to that night. She's getting married so when I told her I had my vacations ready for her wedding they both looked at each other and she said OH, YEII, that makes me think she knew everything and that he giving him the information for her friend was more for an emergency.

I feel so bad and so worthless!! God will help me!!

I know some day he'll see me and will want to have me back when I complete my self discovery revenge.

Hope -

Listen, don't put yourself down so. Even if attractiveness is a small part of the issue, it is hardly ever really what is really behind all of this. There may be marital problems, though I'm finding that for a lot of us that end up on this board, there are a lot of character issues and entitlement issues on the part of the WS. It seldom has much to do with the BS at ALL!!!!

The WS blames the BS to relieve their own feelings of guilt.

In my case... my XH did try at one point to blame my weight. There's a major problem with that line of reasoning however. I may have gained some weight during the marriage, but I was quite fat when he first met me. That happens to be what he PREFERS! I found thousands of porn pictures on an external drive he had used to back up his computer. Can you guess what the women looked like? Yep - all fat, some smaller than me, a great many much larger. I saw OW, the woman he left me for. If my weight was a problem, then he sure didn't do a very good job picking my replacement.

Once they start cheating and get in the fog, everything coming out of their mouth is useless nonsense.

And from what you said, there is a good chance he may have been using you to be legal, which doesn't make any of this easier. But don't beat yourself up either - this bad behavior is on him, not you. You are not bad or worthless because of his bad choices, or because of the weight. Trust me when I tell you - work on losing the weight if you want, but don't let it rule your life. It doesn't have to. And plenty of men out there will find you attractive regardless, believe me.

OSX---you have a wonderful perspective. I wish I could see things more like you. I would love to pick your brain to see what causes some people to think one way and another to think totally opposite. Was your family background a good experience? After so much rejection, how do you get your thinking to be so positive?

I really feel awful about myself but I can't blame it totally on my WS. It just seems like all my experiences in life are so negative. My family of origin (alcoholics) was a culdrane of performance vs criticism daily, my marriage to an alcohol abuser/adulterer made my self-worth worse and now my job is pounding me down daily. Nothing is ever good enough for my boss---even though I work like a dog.

I am trying to get to the root of my self-worth issues. They are so deep that God's love really does not mean much to me anymore. But I know other things have changed for the better but they are fuzzy right now.

TW

It's just awfull to know that his sister who is getting married in a month does not show any morals in doing these things, in not telling me anything!!! I hope things don't turn against her in her marriage.

Yes, I definitely now believe that there was a point where he loved me, but according to him and to Maroon's 5 song; I said Goodbye too many times before!! Duhhh, yes I had too, he would always pull some BS on me about women, about him wanting to go and see his exgirlfriends, about how old fashion I was and that he wished his wife would be more opened to the concept that Ex's could be good friends too. I told him I DON'T THINK SO!, he would then tell me about my male friends and I would respond by saying YES, BUT I HAVE NEVER GIVEN YOU REASONS AND YOU HAVE, BESIDES MY MALE FRIENDS WHERE THERE BEFORE YOU AND I HAVE NEVER SLEPT WITH ANY OF THEM - he would come back with the typical male answer HOW SAD THAT MY WIFE DOES NOT TRUST ME, THEY WERE HERE BEFORE YOU TOO-.

I have realized that he can be so charming at the beginning and then lose interest in everything. Actually he is that kind of person that loses interest really quick, of course he has blamed me for "losing" all those things that he used to like: drawing, writting, playing music, weekend plans, going places, social life- Yes, I agree they were just excuses. I have an explanation for all those things he doesn't do anymore ... BECAUSE HE WANTS MORE AND MORE AND MORE-

You know? he is the kind of person that wants to share meals and time with his friends but he doesn't realize that people get bored of doing things his way and only the things he likes. I mean the man would spend 300 dlls or more on food for other people and that would really bother me because we are young and could save for a future, for the family we were planning, of course he would hate me for telling him that it was time to save while the company kept giving. He knows that he could be fired because of his high salary but he really thinks he could be independent and continue his life style just because of his talent. Well, he forgot who helped him and how little he did with his life before I met him.

He told me so many times that he would be eating from my hands if I would've loved his son like a mother would, but he never did anything for him. He blames me for the lack of attention to his son because he was focusing on me being happy, and I must admit he did try really hard to try to see me happy, I had depression because I had to take care of his son, and I would tell him - please help me, it's too much to handle for me - so he started by sending him to his room instead of coming home and taking over, and when he would try he would not punish his son or help him with his home work, so I would tell him what to do and he would give up and tell me - THEN YOU DO IT - so he saw work and his music band like an escape route to his problems and would come home late leaving me with everything. I swear I tried, I swear I was getting good at this thing of being a mom until his mom calls after 3 years and a 1/2 and wants her son back, so I tested her by telling her -OK, YOU WANT HIM BACK, FINE, HOW ABOUT TONIGHT?!!- she accepted and I was thinking she would back out, but she didn't, so my husband stopped me and told me NO, NO- this needs to be talked, so he tried to talk with her, but she would only offend and scream at him over the phone, so I thought that two women could handle things and specially from MOTHER TO MOTHER since I felt like he was my son already. He cried and thanked me for making things work, but the agreement was that she would only see him on vacations, I was afraid she would kid nap him, but she didn't and on his first trip we went to Louisiana and had fun and it was very romantic, on our way back I told him I didn't want to go back because I felt things would be the same again, but he calmed me and told me that it wasn't going to be that way, that we were OK, that's when he started using his OK word, I always didn't like this OK thing. So, when MY SON came back from his trip from Denver he told us that his mom had gotten married 3 YEARS AGO!!!!! I got soooooooooooooo upset that I could not hide it, my husband asked me what was the problem and I said DID YOU HEAR WHAT HE SAID??? THIS WOMAN ABANDONED YOUR SON TO GET MARRIED, SHE RUINED YOUR SON'S LIFE AND OURS TO GET HER WAY!! - he told me - IT DOESN'T MATTER- and I said -YES IT DOES, YOU DON'T SEE IT, BUT SHE MADE YOUR SON SUFFER JUST TO GET MARRIED, YOU NEED TO TALK TO HER - so he started getting upset, but I was furious to think that she abandoned a little 5 year old baby because she wanted to get a life, but the worst part was that her excuse was that she had breast cancer!!! of course, she backed out later, claiming she had never said that. I guess he never saw the importance of the situation and I think now I know why. Because he never really cared, he was OK with having his wife raising his son and him not having to bother with it. He knew that I wasn't doing a good job and yet he never tought me, he would be like the WAL-MART moms, just telling her children not to touch anything (I would be the child) but she never does anything to make it stop.

His son had major problems, he would pee on his pants, then he started doing #2 on his pants, my husband brought him diapers thinking he would feel embarrased, but he didn't, so he kept on, until one day I spanked him so hard that my husband was about to leave me but he realized that I was too upset and tired of having to go to school and doing all these things. I hate to admit it, but his son stopped peeing on the bed and every where else after that spanking. He had behaviour problems at school and I would have to leave work early to go and talk to the teachers. This was in the first year he stayed with us, but as new problems were solved, new ones would appear.

So, after me getting upset of my son telling us all this and after more problems with OUR son, he decided it was best for him to return to his mom, we even took him to the doctor because he had been diagnosed before he arrived with us with ADD, so I told my husband that our son was really trying hard at school but maybe it was his sickness or him missing his mom that he could not handle things better. My husband listens and remembers things that are only good for him to use as excuses. When he told me of HIS decision on sending me son back to his mom I almost died because I knew it would all be over for us if this happened and I could not understand why specially with my son and me getting along much better, so I asked all my friends and family to intervene and talk to him, he said NO and sent him back to Denver. It was terrible for me, because he started crying and hating me, telling me that NO ONE HAD HURT HIS SON LIKE I HAD - so I responded with a EXCUSE ME, BUT YOU HAVE NOT REALIZED THAT YOUR SON WAS DAMAGED BEFORE HE CAME TO US, WITH YOUR FIRST DIVORCE, WITH HIS MOM ADANDONING HIM TO GET MARRIED AND YOU NOT TAKING RESPONSABILITY AND USING WORK AS AN EXCUSE I THINK WE BOTH KNOW THAT I ACTUALLY HELPED HIM INSTEAD OF HURTING HIM, HE'LL FORGIVE ME, BUT I DON'T KNOW IF HE COULD FORGET HIS MOM WHEN HE GROWS UP AND STARTS DOING THE MATH ON HIS MOM'S WEDDING AND OF THE TIME HE STAYED WITH US, OF YOU NEVER SENDING CHILD SUPPORT AND YOU ALWAYS SO BUSY WITH YOUR MUSIC AND WORK-

I guess I don't need to say more, it was terrible, he treated me so bad and then I started to believe I had actually done so much harm and caused so much pain that I wanted to die. This was in December, we had a terrible end of the year. We tried to start fresh, but in February my sister arrives and things get worse. I threw our marriage rings to him because he was hurting me with his modern ideas of him wanting to do things his way and of me having to accept because I had no option, of him wanting to go and see his ex girlfriends again, and so much more, I could not take the pain of him telling me that things were not going well, of how we no longer had anything in common since his son HAD to leave. In the moment I was going to throw the ring I said DON'T DO IT but something came over me and I still did it hoping he would react and say HOW STUPID CAN I BE?!!! but he didn't, so scared I went to him asking to have my ring back but my heart jumped to my throat when I realized he had removed his ring too and had put them away, but I asked for my ring and he said NO, NOT ANY MORE, YOU THREW MY HEART AWAY WHEN YOU THREW THE RING AT ME, THIS RING MEANT THE WHOLE WORLD TO ME, YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF HOW I STRUGGLED TO BUY YOU THIS RING AND YOU THREW IT LIKE IF IT WAS WORTH NOTHING - he was crying like a baby. I tried for many days to get my ring back, I felt so terrible and lost, so that's when I found MARRIAGE BUILDERS, I was determined to save my marriage, I worked on it for a long time. How funny, he gave the ring back the following year when we had to go to imigration and after that he said he was happy and had forgotten of the feeling he felt, it was like magic he said. Jm!, I guess the real word was - I'M SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT WE NEED TO BE MARRIED FOR FIVE YEARS FOR THIS MARRIAGE TO BE LEGAL AND FOR YOU NOT TO DEPORT ME -.

After so many months of working solo and of him telling my family to keep me busy so I wouldn't bother him, or of how BRAVE my ex sister in law was to leave my brother, of how ignorant my family was because he was so smart that he could prove us wrong all the time. Then for him I had becomed a parasite, I was no longer what HE thought I was. Still, we bought a house because he wanted to have a family, I feared this because I told him, having a family will not fill that empty space you have in your life, but he swore it was not that, he wanted to have a family. He wanted his sister and me to be preagnant at the same time, he wanted to be a Dad, he had a vision of us being together for the rest of our lives.

Then, one day, he rents the movie THE NOTEBOOK and we have great sex, and all these things and tells me I WOULD LIKE FOR US TO HAVE THE SAME STORY, WELL SIMILAR - does any body know what the message in the story is? I understood he wanted us to split and then let time put us back together and die together, is that it??

Two months ago, after him coming back from his trip and having great sex, I ask WHY DON'T YOU CONSIDER ME?, he says THAT'S IT, I'M TIRED OF YOU ALWAYS WHINING, NEVER HAPPY, I'M NOT HAPPY, I DON'T WANT THIS ANYMORE - I had died.

Since then I feel dead, I feel I should've stayed, but he made my life misserable for those two weeks, and then the evacuation occurs, that's when I realized there was no use for me to stay, maybe if he would've told me YOU ARE COMING WITH ME- I would've stayed, but he leaves with his sister and practically takes this as vacations, he goes and spends 4 days in San Antonio in a Cabin with co-workers and their families.

I left when we returned. Then he tells me, well you left so you can't tell me anything anymore!!!!

How could he?? how dare he blames me??!!

Please, someone, tell me something about this?!! please!!!