^^^

Thank you for your feedback not so and Orcid. You both made a good point.

So here is an amendment to the letter

Dear H,

I knew from the beginning that you were the one I would marry. I felt that there was something about us that just clicked. I love doing so many things with you and trying new things together. My love for you is very deep. I have learned alot in these last few months about things I should have done differently in the past. The main thing I Learned was that I needed to meet your emotional needs. I now understand why I needed to spend more time with you, give you a kiss when I came in, make time to have lunch with you, get involved in your interests, and tell and show you how much I loved you each and every day. I have made many changes and plan to continue to improve myself. I only wish I had made these changes sooner!

It hurts me so much that you continue to give your time and attention to OW. For my own sanity, and to preserve the love I hold for our M, I can no longer continue to be with you in this triagle. I will not continue to be the wife of someone's boyfriend.


Until you have made the decision to be my husband and to reinvest in our marriage, you must go and not contact me by phone, email, text, or in person. I have arranged for you to stay at your sisters, until you are able to make your own arrangements. Our finacial arrangements should remain the same. Any issues regarding financial matters or visitation with DS should be done through (cite the person's name). When you realize how valuable your family is I will be willing to discuss with you what it will take for you to become a valuable member again. Before I will discuss anything with you, you will have to cease all contact with OW.

With all my love,

Wife

WH told me the other day,without me even asking, that he had broke it off with OW.

I heard a message on WH phone from OW "maybe your right, maybe it is time for it to end, but I don't want it to end, I love you I am in love with you and I hope we can still hang out".

Something interesting WH sliped a I love you note in my purse the other day I just found it today.

Since then I checked WH phone and I know he is still talking to OW

How do I feel? I find myself asking myself is this the man I want to spend the rest of my life with? Does he really make me happy? Yet I havent given a plan B letter because I want him to know the changes I made are permanent and I am thinking maybe I should try to hold out the full 6 mos (march), maybe the affair will end by then.

Experts what do you think I should do?

Good to see you back; I was wondering how you were doing.

While we wait for the experts to arrive, I'll just sit and chat for a bit.

Almost all A's end within two years. Of those, a goodly number end by six months, my FWH's A included. So you could shoot for six months with a reasonable idea that the A would likely end by then.

BUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...it is extremely likely that your feelings would also change during that time, in a way that would not favor your WH, or reconciliation. Maybe not all the way to dumping him no matter what, but enough to make recovery much more difficult.

From what you said above, i.e. do I want to spend the rest of my life with him? does he really make me happy? it is clear that you are losing your love for your H, whether you have seen it yet or not.

By this time, he should have seen enough changes to know you mean business.

The on-again off-again I-think-we-should-break-up-but-I-still-love-you garbage indicates the A is in trouble, and that is good. But once you start to lose love for your H it goes quickly, usually more quickly than you think it would.

So....if it were me, I would do a couple more days of good Plan A and jump right into Plan B. You know, for the next three days or so, really amp it up and show your love for him, then go very very dark to save what love you have left.

Recovery is hard enough without giving yourself every advantage, and a Love Bank anywhere above zero will make a big difference for you in the long run.

Don't worry too much about what your WH will think. His actions, as in the love note, tell you that he's noticed. He just needs to be knocked off the fence.

I like this letter much better. How does it make you feel? Less like a doormat?

As for you holding onto it, well I don't see a need unless the WS has left the building. Has he?

L.

WH told me the other day,without me even asking, that he had broke it off with OW.

and you said...

marriage counselling dear?

how long till your husband turns on you yells it's over and you should just get over it...

don't you dare make YOU getting over it...any part of your plan of recovery..

ark

Not_So

Thank you very very much for your advice!

I am slammed at work today, so I will check back in later

Not_So,

I am so sorry for your loss. I have always felt that that worst thing that could ever happen to me is something happening to my DS. Although Steve tried to tell me that a A was worse for most people, I think in my case it would be differently.

I really liked your advice...

I feel like I have been running a race and now I am starting to drag my feet....

Today I was thinking of how WH called OW georgous (he has never called me that) and how WH sent OW flowers (he has n't sent me flowers in 7 years).

Our 8th anniversary is Jan 29th and we have a family ski trip planed for Feb 5-6 that we have already paid for. So am thinking of setting a date of Feb 10th for a no contact letter or a plan B. This will give me time to get our finances in order and WH to finish the house renovations he started.


What do you think? Please tell me what you think and not what you think I want to hear.

Thanks again,

I think you keep finding reasons to drag it out.
And I think by February 10th you won't give a rats a$$ about your marriage at all.

Because of a "family" ski trip? You and DS can go. It would be great! Leave WH at home.

Thank you for the condolences, the kind words mean alot. (I am still just kind of stunned that Flukeboy & Flukette have a baby girl born the same day as my baby.)

You may end up with a wide range of opinions, but I vote for securing finances ASAP and going to Plan B in days, not weeks. I really understand your anniversary concerns. Our second recovery began June 27, and our anniversary was July 1. You don't cut it much closer than that.

However, I think it really shook him up that I was willing to jet off without him on our anniversary, and that it was just one more thing that helped bring him to his senses more quickly.

I have been away and just had a minute to check in on the board. I am so sorry to hear that you are still here struggling with this and living under these circumstances. You must feel so unhappy.

Though I can see the wisdom in making sure that your finances are in order, I don't understand the logic behind house remodeling and prepaid vacations....which are unimportant compared to your mental health and your marriage.

It seems it would be very natural and normal to be afraid and it is easy to find reasons NOT to do something when we are afraid. I just want to make sure you are being totally honest with yourself about your motivations. Honesty is safeground....honesty about fear is even safe ground and usually makes fear go away--or at least seem manageable (light always destroys dark, right!?)....but it would be a scary thing if fear allowed you to lie to yourself. How can you make a decision that promotes love, if it isn't based on honesty?

If you are afraid--post it--get it out there. Others are here to help you make it through this.

Courage to you.

aHuman

Hello how is everyone?

I haven't posted in ahwile.

Frist I would like to say that I truely believe that Dr. Harley's concepts work;

Since when I talked to steve he suggessted that I not demand that WH stop contact with OW because it would push him away from me so I have been busy focus on my self.

While the contact between OW and WH has drastically went down, and WH has been acting exactly like he did with me before the A, I know that WH is still in contact with OW because I checked his call log on his phone after he went to sleep last night. WH told me on his way home last night "I love you to death and I am not cheating on you" yet after he goes to sleep I check his phone and see that he had also talked to OW.


As I move into my six month of plan A, I am really ready to see this affair end or move on with my life without him,
So how do I approach him on this? What do I say to him?

Me 26
WH 28
married 8 years
DS 6 yrs old
Plan A Sept 2005

H caught me checking his phone over the weekend. He pretended to be asleep. He said he was pretending to be asleep to see how long it would take for me to make a move on him. After he caught me checking his phone I told him that I knew he was still speaking to OW. He told me that OW now has a live in boyfriend. He then started to get dressed to leave. I then told him that if he wanted the marriage to work he would not leave. So he stayed. I then told him that if he had nothing to hide then he would give me access to his phone anyway, and that his continued contact with OW was hurting me; making not want to be with him. I honestly don't like how this fight went because it was too much like the fighting we had before the affair. I feel like it was a set back.

I think I know what to do; that is to continue to stress no contact with OW and a no contact letter. If I don't get it by the end of the month then plan B.

What do you guys thing?

ummm....he's STILL HAVING THE AFFAIR. They are still in contact.

OW now has a live-in boyfriend? A big LIE -- To throw you off-track.

Thats what I think.

Yep..you got it right..

Apologize for the LBing.."Hurts too much to know that you are still in contact with her"...

PREPARE FOR PLAN B..it will probably bring the A to an end since your WH is such a CAKE-EATER....

CAKE-EATER defined as wanting BOTH YOU AND THE OW....

Sorry you have to go through this...