I have a question for all of you out there so I can understand this a litte better.

My ex H told me he wanted a divorce way back in Aug 2003, I have posted here but not for a while. He got involved in pranic healing and he told me he was in love with this other woman, and that they shared past lives together the two of them are wrapped up beleiving in psychics and such.

We have 3 children together who are 9, 7, and 3. He rarely see's them. This past year has been a war trying to get a settlement between us. He wanted to have them half time yet almost a year earlier he did not have them and when I called to ask him to care for his own kids while I worked he refused. I felt leaving them with him half the time with his girlfriend was not in there best interst.

I have not backed down, I trusted my lawyer who told me to hang in there. My ex would call me tell me how horrible I was in the marriage, how he could not wait to leave me, he taped my phone coversations with him then threatened to use them in court, he read emails between my lawyer by coming in the home we still owned and snooped around. He even calls me and tells me that I must be in love with him still and that I can not let go, When I took the kids camping in the summer I was then a horrible worker becasue now I would refuse on call work for the week I was with the kids.

Not long ago I recieved a phone call from his girlfriends ex. We had a good chat, she was also taping his calls, My H had a peace bond put on him becasue he threatend to beat the crap out of him, he is angry at my ex he was married for 24yrs. When word gets out that I talked to her ex my ex calls and threatened to spread rumors about me if I ever talked to this guy again.

My ex H has made my life miserable this past year, he has threatened,bullied, harassed me. I have been left to pick up the pieces, to raise our three kids without much help from him, I have worked part time, taken the kids to sports school, helped with homework had to take care of our 2 acre property while he has had a free life.


We have a settlement he is suppose to have the kids overnight one night per week now he tells me he has to work overtime on those nights. He is angy that he has to pay for his share of the daycare costs and cry's how he has no money becasue he is paying it all to me.

So tell me for someone who has suppose to have found the woman of his dreams and this happy life, Why is he so bitter? Why is he pushing his kids away? I guess the grass isn't so green on the other side <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Because he's not a happy person himself so he projects his issues onto everyone else - primarily you!
So, how was it we were married to the same person for so long?
Mine is still bitter and we have to go to mediation today to discuss "Halloween". Yes, control dude is fighting over a minor holiday.
There are some people who can never be happy. good luck. nail everything down in the settlement because it keeps coming up.
I got the same stuff about having no money, and my X pays virtually no child support.
The grass isn't always greener, he just has no one to blame it on now but you.

Sorry to hear yours is as bitter as mine. Actually that is something that is not in our settlement Halloween. He never seemed to care much about halloween when we were married I doubt he will now. I guess it will never be over not when there is kids involved. My biggest issue now is the inlaws. I feel like they have swept it under the carpet and are pretending I do not exist anymore. I still keep in contact with two of the sisters but I do feel like things will be very different and I feel sorry for my 3 kids becasue after all they are still a part of the family regardless if mom and dad are divorced. I feel like writing a letter to my mother inlaw to let her know how I feel. My ex tells me in a year or so I will not be talking to anyone in his family I have to wonder what sort of fabricated lies he has to tell them now. It is very hard for me becasue since we were married we have spend every holdiay with his family. I am from a divorced family and our family is just not all that close. It does not help that my ex told me how his dad wanted to divorce his wife years ago and never did for fear of losing everything. When I have asked my ex about this he now tells me he has never told me such a thing but I know he did, He did alot of comparing his parents marriage to our marriage and his grandparents marriage and he thinks they all stayed together to hold the marriage but everyone has the right to be happy and he feels they all should have divorced, so he has some family issues. I am just not sure how to approach them or if I should just let thing lie as it is and live my life and let the pieces fall on their own.

What I don't like is not being able to tell his family my side of the story.

Mine is too, he told me the most terrible things and then tells ME he wants us to keep in touch. You know? I'm not sure why they are bitter and so angry at us, but something I've discussed with my mother over and over is precisely this attitude:so much hate against me and the only conclusion is that they believe we were a wall for their freedom. They have comed to believe in a huge way that life is better out there, that the grass is greener on the other side and were a wall for them to see that. I'm not sure if it is or not, but I guess you could not explain a divorce if you would still refer to your spouse with nice kind words during the process of divorce, that would be painfully-confussing.

I suppose that's why there aren't any happy divorces.

Maybe our exspouses have something in common.. mine is extremely materialistic and I believe he is money happy right now. He used to be a waiter and did this job for almost 10 years until I suggested a new career and told him where to go, yes, if he wasn't smart he wouldn't be where he is now, but I gave him economic, moral and all the support I could while he was training (training does not pay) and during those years it took him to blossom (4 years and 5 months of marriage). He was married before and his first wife left him, so he partied with a limited budget, so now that he makes so much money I believe he thinks he can now have much more fun, have all the women that never turned around to look at him and that now are and so many more things that are now within his reach. It's all about the money, he forgot about love.

So, yeah, I think I know why he is bitter, he is just a loser with luck, but he forgot that I gave him luck, and god is so wise that he shall give to Cesar what's for Cesar and what's God to God (or something).

Do not bite the hand that feeds you!!!

Moving, my guess is that the affair is starting to crumble under the pressure of divorce finances. What was the man thinking? He could just keep his entire paycheck and not support the children? He'd suddenly be single, carefree and happy-go-lucky. He'd get that sportscar he always wanted.

Just my guess.

I think you should call your mother-in-law. Explain that your ex seems unable to spend much time with the children, but you want the children still to be able to see their grandparents and aunts and uncles. If she accuses you of treating her son badly, you can say "Oh, my, is that what you heard? I think there must be some misunderstanding. Here's what happened." Just make sure you never say anything bad about her son. No judgements, just facts.

Who knows you may win an ally.

No him and his new girlfriend are renting a house together in the childrens school area. My problem is I could not afford to buy a house right in the same area and my kids may have to change schools next year. Now he is trying to tell me that I cannot do that becasue we have joint custody and it is up to the kids as to what school they go to.

I feel like he is now using the school thing as his tool to try and get the kids to live with him. Has anyone else ever gone through this. I work on call and would start at 7:00am and I cannot get the kids to a bus that may be able to take them to the same school. I have a daycare at the moment that is able to do it but it is a 20 minute drive each way. Once the kids are in junior high they are too old for daycare and my ex says he will have them overnight and he will them have them full time and I will not.

It makes me mad because this past year before the court settlement whenever I called to ask him to care for the kids while I worked he said no. Now that he has to pay his share of the daycare he acts like he is now going to have them full time.

I swear my ex is mentally ill at times. He calls me the other day to tell me when he is going to have the kids which by the way he usually tells me not asks me and leaves it at the last minute. He tells me to quit worrying about the kids and get out there and get a boyfriend he then tells me that I'm afraid to have a relationship, and that I am going to be lonely for the rest of my life, but that he has found true love and is going to be happy forever and ever. Why do they call to say crap like this? I told him his true love is crap it would be more like true Lust, how is it the cheaters whom my ex girlfriend also left her husband how is it they feel what they have is so wonderfull when in fact the relationship was based on lies, lust, sex. How could it ever last when the two of them left there spouses to go directly to one another. He tells me I have so many lessons to learn. I can't beleive how he throws his ego around like he is so right and I am so wrong.

Our court papers say he is to share half of the kids christmas break. He wants them for a whole week which is not written down as to what week. The kids want to split the week up with maybe 3 nights out of each week at dad's so they will have some time at home to play with their toys stuff. Dad tells me "oh they won't want to come home with all the new toys they will have at my house" It sounds to me like he is now going to bribe them. I wish he would grow up!

Translation...are you seeing anyone? I would keep contact to a very minimum and I would not discuss my personal life. He has made his choice, he should mind his own business. He thinks the grass is greener....right!

OW/wife probably has her kids for a few days, so he wants his, reality bites. He can try to buy them all he wants, he abandoned them for a piece of a$$. He is trying to make himself feel less guilty by encouraging you to date. Why not tell him "someone has to be there 100% for the kids" until they grow up. I need to put my feeling aside for now. (Which is the mature thing to do).

He'll figure it out.

We have the same X's.
I had the same Christmas crap in the past.
If the decree says 1/2 of Christmas, then you copy this page. I decided to play his tactic. I now tell him when I want the kids, before he thinks of it first. And amazingly, it works.
I stand my ground on 1/2 of Christmas, which for me means each one get Eve or Day, and we fly on our "day". The school break is usually 10 nights, so each parent should get 5 nights. Now, write up the schedule you want so you each have a chunk of time to minimize transitions and send it to him with the copy of the decree.
This is establishing a boundary, and he's not prepared for you to do this. So there will be some kickback. Stand your ground, and threaten to call the police, and be ready to follow through.

My X started demanding I pick up at his home, then he thought he could tell me any location to pick up. I had it in writing where I agreed to pick up at his home, and called the police to notify them that this could be a problem. They don't want to get involved, and I explained I needed to reinforce the boundary.

We just went through mediation to work out the holiday schedule, so I have this Christmas and next in writing. My X threatened to fight for more custody. The lawyer/mediator told him he didn't stand a chance, and all the times I asked X to care for the kids for work-related childcare did matter (about once a month). And the fact that he failed to attend doctor visits, parent teacher conferences and counselor appts. did matter. So keep documenting all of these things.
These are empty threats. they worked in the M, so your X can't see why they wouldn't work now.
Draw your line in the sand.

BTW, our mediator asked who initiated the D since he looked so sad. I said, he left. She found that interesting. Life on the other side must not be all that happy for some of them.

The bitterness stems from him being unhappy. If he was truly happy, he would not treat you like this. It is very typical actually - they think they have found their dream life and find out quite quickly, it isn't so great.

They are bitter because they know that they have screwed up. The Affair is an addiction like any other, they are drawn to it even though they know that they are wrong and risking everything, its a rush. Mine points his finger at me because he's to scared to look at himself in the mirror. He tells me that he's pushing the OW away too, I don't believe that for one minute. He'll take all his problems into that relationship and add them to hers, (she's not divorced yet either) and wont that make for a good start. He told me last night that he never would have cheated on me if I had been there for him. I told him, you made your own choices and now there's no going back. He also told me that I'd be lucky if I ever found another man that wouldn't cheat on me. Are all men really like that? I'm afraid to start over for that very reason. At my age (36) it will be hard to meet someone that doesn't come with baggage. Its almost worth staying single forever. They are so busy covering their tracks and trying to make us feel guilty to take the focus off themselves. I thank God everyday that I have enough self esteem and sense to ignore all the crap he throws at me. If they had their way about it, we'd all be alone and searching for them, the perfect ones. Isn't it funny though how the perfect fall? I'm just waiting.

Hang in there, its good to read these forums because some are worse than you, and they offer hope to see that you really do make it to the other side.

Every expereience teachs a lesson, what have you learned?

Bren

We'll my ex is getting married this month. He invited all his family and I'm not sure about hers. Then a few weeks later he uninvites them appartenly no one wanted to go, the family was pretty upset about the whole situation. It seems my inlaws said something to him because he came back to me and told me how his mother said I should have it all!

I was invited for xmas dinner and new years and my ex told me "I hope you dont choke on the food" Things are still really tense he is so angry at life I can't see how he has moved on and can really be happily married.

I am having a hard time with the court settlement. My ex does not follow any rules. He is suppose to have the kids overnight but does not have them. He calls me last minute to say he is having them then he has a temper over the fact that I am not working very much and he is going to take me back to court. Actually with all the responsibility on me to take the kids to sports, do homework and the fact that I cant always leave them at home with a babysitter makes it hard for me to work. I almost think I will need to change careers so I can work during the week and while they are is school. Any one else having the same difficulties as me?

It's really hard to juggle so many things at once. Back when my girls were little, I tried the night shift for a while. Slept while they were in school, and worked when they were asleep. The only time I would see them would be in the morning, before they went to school and at dinner, right before I left for work. I found that working during the day while they were at school worked much better. We all leave at the same time, and are only a few hours apart at the end of the day. Although, these days, now that they're pretty much grown, I seem to get home before they do! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

PS...My X is now remarried, and I have to say, better her than me!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

We'll my ex is now getting married on the same day that myself and the children have to be out of the matramonial home. He changed the date and re invited his family and the kids.

I am still having problems setting boundaries with him. He never has them when he is suppose to and is now refusing to pay his share of daycare costs. whenever there is drop off or pick up he wants me to meet him at a store near where he lives. He wants the kids untill 9pm the night of the wedding and he wants me to drive to his inlaws to pick them up. I told him no it is too late if you want me to pick them up I will be at the inlaws at 8pm otherwise you can drop them off at my house I will be busy unpacking.

He calls today and tells me I need to teach our youngest who is 3 to use her inside voice becasue she was a little loud when I was on the phone with him and that I have no respect for others who will have to look after them. I cannot stand this he makes my skin crawl when he trys to tell me how much of a wonderfull father he is and how he diciplines them and I don't yet he only has them for a few hours a week and does not take them to any activities and refuses to have them most of the time when I work.

I also do not agree that the kids should go to his wedding considering what sort of values it is teaching them regarding an affair etc, he tells me I am not worried about them only myself because He is getting married again. I cannot beleive how much ego he has.

I can't help with the work stuff, or his behavior.
Document when he doesn't have the kids, keep a parenting journal. It will pay off.

About the wedding night, just suck it up and do as he asks.
Don't create a scene for the kids.
My friend's X remarried and she was 1.5 hours late in picking up the kids on the wedding night. It was very disconcerting for everyone. And they have a very amicable relationship. (She's notoriously late, but we wondered how much was passive agressive behavior, and she was at a happy hour after work).

You are their mom, however difficult that day is for them, they need to know that you will be there for them and love them. You will likely need to take a friend along for strength.

As always, do the best you can for your children. They should be at their father's wedding.

Good luck. The high road is difficult but it's a choice we make for our children.

I have no really different advice to offer - just to document everything, and try to keep conversations to necessary kid stuff only. "Sorry, I'm not talking to you about this." is your reply to all else.

Good luck.

I agree on the documentation. My X sounds a lot like yours. He never was involved in the children's life until he got a steady girlfriend who would take them, they'd break up, then he wouldn't see them for awhile and then he'd get another.

I think a lot of men out there say that the children will be living with them or they will get custody, etc. it is a threat and they know that it will bother you so they say it. if you are a good mother and doing all the things for them, no judge would take your custody away. i wouldn't worry about that.

they think they want custody because they're too cheap to pay the child support.....

oh, i don't know what state you live in but daycare is figured into the child support formula and taken out of there paycheck just like child support is. i would check in to that. also, i can't remember how many children you have 3? that is what is hard about working and having children. sometimes you pay more in daycare. especially in the summer when school is not in session. that is the trouble i am running in to. there are agencies out there that can assist on daycare expenses. it might not be a bad thing to check out.