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#1509 08/16/99 06:39 AM
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 155
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Okay, It's been three weeks since my H and I have discussed anything to do with us. You see I agreed to no longer question or ask about the why and why nots of his affair....but this also means we cannot not talk about our relationship as he feels that anything I bring up about us relates to his affair....and maybe he is right in feeling this way. As pre-affair we never really talked about his needs, my needs.....so he perceives anything to do with our needs to be as a result of the affair.....<BR>I know that if we don't start talking soon, that we'll be right back in the place where an affair was waiting to happen.....I mean he cannot try to met my needs if he does know what they are, just as I cannot meet his without knowing them.....He says his only need right now is for me to forgive and forget and stop talking about his mistake. So maybe I'm meeting his need. But I have some needs too. I need to feel as if we are partners not just a couple. I need him to help me forgive, but he needs to know I'll never forget.<BR>Anyway, how do I approach my needs without it coming across that I'm nagging about the affair? I never really told him what I needed before the affair, so this is a new activity for both of us.<BR>Any help or insight would be appreciated.

#1510 08/16/99 07:02 AM
Joined: Feb 1999
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oncehappy, i suspect your h is just lazy when it comes to listening to you and especially so when you express your needs. he probably doesn't want to be bothered. many men are like this, my self included. i do listen to my w. i'm aware that i tend to ignore her, or only give her casual attention, but i'm working on it and she knows this. <BR>none the less, you must stick to your position and express yourself, in no uncertain terms, and make yourself heard. i think this whole thing stems from women seeing themselves as the care givers, and men going along with the role. this allows us to tell you are needs but there isn't much there for the caregiver.<BR>you mustn't express yourself so that you project pleading but rather, an assertiveness of your rights in the relationship. i think you need to get his respect. you have a right to be heard. just my thoughts. hope they help.

#1511 08/16/99 07:23 AM
Joined: Mar 1999
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Once [Linked Image],<BR>You need to amend your agreement. Tell him you want to talk about Now and the Future. Marriage is work even when you haven't been through something like this, and communication is a must. We use to set aside time each day at first, then each week to just talk. That way, I wasn't talking every second. And we agreed to not raise our voices. Set some ground rules. I know what he is saying about anything makes him feel bad. BUT, I think they need to go through that period of feeling bad, do they want praise?, they still want everything their way, it can't happen. After I saw how sorry my H was, and how he was serious about doing EVERYTHING he could, then I had the feelings of forgiving him for hurting me, (he never set out to hurt me) but I have never forgiven him for the affair and he knows it. We are 18mo. in recovery, and doing GREAT, never could have gotten here with out talking, and talking, and talking. The relation has to build up again, you have to go back to square one, almost like courting all over, being comfortable, relaxed and most of all happy. He wants a safe, happy home to come to, you can't give it to him with out knowing his ideas and meeting each others needs. <BR>Almost [Linked Image]<P>------------------<BR>"TIME" :)<P><BR>


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