Hi everyone. This is going to be a short break-down of my situation. I just typed this story up over 2 hours only to have it expire when i was trying to edit it before submitting.....

In brief.

My wife of 9 years was arrested earlier this month. I got a call and brought her 9k for bail. Her bail was set at over 90k because they charged her with 3 felony's. I was under the impression that my wife was a victim in these charges until i bailed her out and learned the truth.

Once safe at home my wife admitted to me that she has been having an affair with the doctor she works for for around 14 months, but for the last month she hasn't been as they mutally agreed to "cool it down".

The charges were brought forward because my wife went to this doctor's house and told his wife about the affair (yes he too is married). A fight broke out in this woman's house and my wife was arrested. The charges are domestic burgulary, wrongful imprisonment and assault with a deadly weapon (non-firearm). ---the weapon in question turned out to be a BB gun, and because this case is still pending i can't discuss anything about where the weapon can from).

My wife's story is that this doctor she was having the affair with asked her to tell his wife about the affair because he wanted her to leave him so he could try and get custody of their 2 kids. My wife also claims that he threatened to tell me about the affair as well as fire her from her job if she didn't do this "favor" for him and that's why she did it.

Ok, i have huge issues with this. For one why would he ask her to do this? Why not just tell his wife himself? What good could have come out of my wife being the one to tell her? What on earth was my wife thinking going there? We have 2 kids ourselves how could she not think this was a bad idea? Why go there at all? Why didn't my wife call her on the phone and tell her?

Some history on my wife and this doctor. The doctor is 1 of 4 partners at their medical office. My wife has been there for 7 years this doctor 5. My wife became this doctor's medical assistant about a year ago prior to that they were in the same office, but didn't work directly together. The doctor is tall, good looking and thin. I'm so-so, short and chunky. I look at the guy and think to myself he's a good looking guy. The only reason i mention this is during my readings of other posts it seems like alot of people who cheat look for someone inferior. This isn't the case he's a good looking doctor, i'm a broke military guy.

Around a month ago (the same time that my wife tells me they both agreed to cool things down) the doctor's wife calls their office and demands that my wife stop being her husband's assistant and be fired as well. My wife and this woman have never got along this i know so when my wife told me about this i believed her when she said it was just because she doesn't like my wife. I later learned that the doctor's wife had copies of his cell phone bill listing calls to my wife and calls from my wife as well as text messages all happening after working hours which isn't professional and that's why she wanted my wife fired.

I have learned that the affair mostly took place in hotel rooms that the doctor would buy and then text msg my wife times, room #'s...etc. This affair mostly took place during their lunch hours and right after work (my wife would say she had "errands" to run and go see him.

I have huge issues with this as well. Where was the romance in any of this? How does quick phone calls and text msg's lead to an affair? I don't see much romance in going to a hotel room you know damn well what you are going to be doing if you are going. My wife claims that they had an emotional connection, but it was not love for either of them. My wife and i have been having problems with our own marriage on and off for 3 years so i'm not totally shocked she had an affair i wasn't the best husband in the world, but i never once strayed. My problem was online video games i got addicted and basically lost my wife to them. My wife tried to talk to me about it several times, but i was blinded i just didn't see it as a problem, but it was.

Anyhow i'm not saying i lead my wife into an affair she did it on her own, but i know in my heart over time i can forgive her for it.

Since all of this happened i have heard the other sides story via the doctor's wife's written statement of what happened. Her story differs from my wife's in many areas (big suprise there). She claims my wife just showed up at her house un-invited where my wife claims she talked to her on the phone and was invited over to talk. This woman also claims that my wife pulled out the BB gun and pointed it at her head which again my wife claims is totally untrue and lastly this woman claims that my wife told her that she blames her for ruining her life because my wife was pregnant with her husband's baby, but had to abort the pregnany which again my wife claims as totally un-true.

The worst part is i honestly don't know who to believe. How can i believe the doctor's wife? She's just as mad, hurt and upset as me how do i know that she didn't make things up to make my wife suffer? I mean through the few court appearances we've had i've already heard the doctor's wife lie. Last week we had a restraining order hearing and the doctor's wife stated that she saw my wife drive past her house one day. I know this is a lie because the day this all happened i took a 3 week vacation from work to deal with all of this and my wife never left my sight. She has been nowhere near the doctor's house so that makes me wonder what else this woman could be lieing about?....

I honestly don't believe my wife's intent in all of this was to get rid of the doctor's wife and then leave me to be with him. I feels to me that maybe her intent was to get rid of the doctor's wife so she could continue the affair that was put on hold. The doctor's wife was the only one suspecious, i was totally in the dark. If the wife left the doctor they could continue with the affair because i was clueless. My wife claims none of the above she says she did it because she was threatened by the doctor and if she didn't do it he was telling me about the affair and firing her.

My wife claims the affair was never about love, but would anyone that wasn't in love with someone, heck maybe even obsessed with someone do all of this? It just doesn't seem like something that a rational mother with a husband and 2 kids at home would do.

I am hanging on by threads right now. I can't drive anywhere without seeing a hotel and wondering if that's the one they met at. Her office is located in the heart of where we shop and just going near her office makes my stomach flip and we go by her office almost daily. I find that my mind constantly wonders. I'm scared to let her go anywhere alone, but i get sick going anywhere with her because my mind constantly wonders.

I still love my wife as much as the day i met her, but i know i can't handle 1 more lie or untruth and i've told her this. This is in court and i believe everything will come out during the trial. I've given her weeks to come clean on anything i might not know, but could find put along the way. Basically she's told me i know 100% the truth. I'm hoping i do because if i hear another lie i will know this marriage is over as my wife lacks the ability to tell me the truth i just hope it doesn't come to that. I have told her repeatedly that if i hear it from her first i can handle it and move on, but if it comes from another source i can't.

We started going to counciling 2 weeks ago. The first appointment we went to together, last week the councilor wanted to talk with just my wife, this Thurs just me. I really hope counciling will help.

It all just seems neverending. Tomorrow or in the next few days we will be receiving a print-out of all text messages incoming and outgoing from my wife's phone over the last year. My wife's lawyer requested that we get it. I know it's coming and i know i have to read it all. I don't want to, but i can't allow myself to be left in the dark anymore on anything. I know it will contain dates, times and room#'s of their meetings i just hope there are no other suprises in their text msg's to each other.

I know that i am still in shock about all of this and from what i've read on these forums it is going to take alot of time and counciling to move on.

The possiblilty does exist that my wife could do some jail time for what she's done and that scares me. I'm in the military and it will be tough if i have to raise our 2 kids on my own, but i know i will find a way if it comes to that i just pray it doesn't.

I also know that i have to move. I can no longer live where i am it's just too painful. As soon as i can i will be requesting orders to another state i have nothing but bad memories and haunting dreams about where i currently live.

Ok, well that's about it for now. I hope this all makes sense and i thank you for taking the time to read it. I welcome any comments, suggestions, and prayers.

I'm barely holding on, but i haven't given up hope yet. I hate the fact that i only found about about all of this because my wife was arrested otherwise this post wouldn't exist and i'd be non the wiser which given all that has happened sadly seems like a better option.

Hi Donny, You are in the best place. Although i havnt posted often i do read a lot of the posts and they have helped me. Many experts on this site will recommend that you post in the general questions section as it gets a lot more traffic. As to your situation i feel your pain and know exactly what you are going through. My H had a brief affair and i found out and confronted him with it. Due to the shock I told him to leave then and there. Well I had a knock on the door at around 10pm that night from the police that they had found my husband in the park with a replica pistol. (he was hoping that the police would shoot him) and he ended up in hospital for a week. He also faces penalty charges.

Sorry not trying to draw away from your post but I feel you and I and others in this situation are faced with a double wammy not only do we find out our partners have cheated on us but also there are other shocks associated with it. ie your W arrest and my H suicide attempt. I felt torn in two directions. one way being so angry and betrayed and hurt by my H for doing what he did but then I founf i was running to the hospital to be with him this was two days after dday

So because i still love him i am torn between sympathy and contempt and trying to do plan A as well.

But anyway the experts on here will give you some sound advice but i just wanted you to know I feel for you and know the pain and anguish you are going through at the moment. Hang in there. Your not alone.

Hello Donny,

Welcome to MB.

I am sorry for the situation you are in but don't feel alone.We are here to help and we have also heard some real doozies too.Getting involved in an affair is very risky business not to mention how wrong it is,hurtful and selfish.We can see how emotions can run wild.Just think of the few times you hear on the news of someone being killed over jealousy,etc.It's very sad and scary at the same time.

To start,lets look at your questions:



Why? Because this man is a coward and look at his other actions.He's not only cheating on his own wife but helping to destroy another marriage/family.Not to mention his actions as a Doctor are abominable.Being an RN, I wouldn't hestitate to quit my job if I worked for a man with so little values and decency.Who knows what else he has been doing behind the scenes.Yuk.



Easy.Nothing.He simply wanted to have someone else do his dirty work for him.He's a cad.


That's just it,she wasn't thinking,at all.She is now in a very serious predicament.



She was purely interested in her own needs and desires, not about consequences.



There is none.As much as some WS's would like to say that,it's nothing but a sick,sordid act going on.It's selfish,hurtful,wrong,destructive.Romance is not present in Adultery/Infidelity.


This is only part of it all.Inappropriate relationships usually start out his way,casual talk and meetings,that turns intimate,each expressing the desire to connect with the opposite sex. Put enough energy into it and voila.Off they go.


You can't.This woman has a lot at stake,I'm sure.She may even be the kind of person to lie and make this all the more harder for your W.It would be her way of trying to secure the maximum amount of punishment she could help inflict on your WW for being the "other woman".She may be thinking it's her against your WW.And who knows if this woman wants to even stay married to the Dr. or if this has happnened before? Point is,lies or not,you cannot trust her and why should you? It's one big monumental mess.You have to look out for YOU AND THE KIDS.Your WW got herself into this mess,she has to deal with it.

Ok.In my opinion,you need to take this one day at a time and one thing at a time.The first problem is what will become of your WW.You can't do much of any marital recovery or counseling if she is behind bars.Hopefully it won't come to that but all things should be on hold regarding your marriage and WW until you both know what is going to happen.Hopefully as well you can make some progress with the current counselor but dont expect too much.On average it takes about 2 years to recover from Infidelity and you don't even have a spouse who is 100% committed yet.

The kids should be the priority and also taking better care of yourself and getting all your ducks in a row.This means,make sure you are communicating with your kids and how they are feeling.Are you working? I can really sympathize with how badly you must be feeling.I am also glad you are in counseling.If anything it will help you cope with your feelings and betrayal.Also,your WW is probably in bad shape herself.She has these charges against her and she has to deal with the fact that the A is blown wide open and now her "lover" is probably going to drop her like a hot potato.She will be in withdrawal from him now that she most likely will not have access to him nor he to her.

And don't believe much of what she says at this point too.She is confused and hurting as well and most WS's lie,such as the claim about not loving the Dr.If indeed she didn't love him,she obviously had very deep feelings for him enough so that she risked EVERYTHING.

Affairs are rarely(if ever) just because of the way another person looks,it's usually due to the way that person makes them feel.Many/most times it is all fantasy feelings too so that doesn't last and reality starts to break in at some point.

There is a ton of work to be done here but that is also only if your WW is receptive.And at this point,I'm not sure.What is she telling you about your marriage,if anything? How are the kids doing?

Check out our MB boosktore for some good,informative reading and also be sure to talk to your doctor and /or counselor if you are not eating and sleeping properly.You are under enormous stress/shock right now and you need to watch your health.Also take some time to read our concepts here then you could come over to the GQII(General questions) board soon where there is more traffic.

I hope this helps to start.There is a lot to cover but take your time absorbing it all.

Prayers to you and your family!

O

Donny,

To be blunt, I'm concerned for the safety of you and your children. Your wife had no reason to go over and tell this woman, as she already had text and cell proof. I think she was going over there to remove her competition with threats and violence. She went ARMED, even if it's a BB gun. This leads me to believe that she knew that OMs wife would not welcome her presence.

WS's tend to think the other person is their soulmate. Your wife has shown a dangerous inclination to remove obstacles to this relationship. Guess what? You and your children are obstacles too.

I know that you think your wife would never do anything to harm you or the children, but you never thought she'd do anything like this in the first place.

Please consider moving out. Your wifes fantasies are crashing down and I don't want any innocent victims.

Dobie

DonnyK, let me give you my thoughts and some suggestions. Firstly no one should have to go through what you are going through. You seem like a grounded kind of guy that wants some concrete answers so you can decide what to do. You do not seem like the kind of guy that is caught up on feelings and idealistic concepts. You simply want to know exactly what happened so you can decide what to do with the rest of your life.

If I was in your situation then I would do this. Right now, you have to support your WW against her criminal charges because she is the mother of your children. Also you are going to find out valuable info during this case. However, you need to consult an attorney to protect yourself in case D and a child custody fight are in your near future.

You also have one extraordinary avenue available to you that I do not. Your OM has money and a business. You need to start putting together an alienation of affection lawsuit against him. You can also join in his medical practice by claiming that the partners knew about the conduct and did nothing to stop it. You will get to take the depositions of the OM, his wife and the employees of the medical clinic. You will be able to get the sworn testimony of everyone involved. By reading all of it together, you will get a very clear picture of what happened. I also feel that you will get a very generous settlement from the OM and the clinic that will pay for your children's college and a little nest egg for you and them.

Those are just my thoughts to make the best of a very bad situation. My WW's OM is a broke bum so this was not an option for me. If it was then I would not have hesitated to do this. Good luck.

Actually it was the OM wife who had the text and cell phone proof she was suspecious that something was going on between them. According to my wife she was being forced to go there and tell the OM wife by the OM he was threatening to tell me about the A and then fire her from her job if she didn't confront his wife and tell her about the A.

This is something i was wondering about in the back of my head. Is this something i pursue now or wait until everything is said and done with my wife's case?

We are somewhat strapped for cash right now as i had to drain our savings account to bail my wife out. I have no idea how much doing something like you mentioned would cost me. Thanks for explaining it better to me.

DonnyK, you take that case to any competent attorney and you will have no prolem. The attorney will require no money from you. He will work for between 25% to 40% of the recovery. He will also pay all of the case expenses under the agreement that you reimburse him when you get your settlement. It will cost you nothing and you should receive a large settlement based upon what you have posted along with getting the sworn version of what happened from EVERYONE who was involved or witnessed what was going on. The money will be nice but you will also find out the FACTS to make your decision about what YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN need to do. Good Luck!!!

That's what I'm saying. The OM's wife KNEW about the affair, but your wife is saying he blackmailed her to go tell his wife about it. That doesn't make any sense to me.

Plus, you said the OM had tried to get your wife to cool off on the relationship. So why would he suddenly want his wife confronted?

I think it's far more likely that your wife was hoping to drive his wife out of the picture by forcing the issue.

And I still think your wife is too unstable to be trusted around your children at this time.

Dobie

No she didn't know all she knew was they were talking to each other via cell phones after working hours.


They both agreed to cool it off. The OM then decided that the only way he could get his wife to leave would be if my WW told her. The OM had already been confronted by his W and he didn't admit to the affair that she suspected he was having. She then demanded they goto marriage counciling because she wanted to make thier relationship work. He didn't want it to work so he figured the only way his W would give up on their marriage is if she heard about the affair from my WW.

I agree, i just don't know if it was THEIR idea or my WW's alone. From copies of phone bills i have i think it was THEIR idea not my wife's alone.


I disagree, i thank you for your concern, but this isn't an issue.

Just a quick question. Sorry for your situation.

OM's Wife wanted your wife fired. OM feared firing her because she'd sue him. OM had a lot at stake...$$$ and angry wife. OM's wife certainly didn't want your wife to profit from having an affair with her husband. Could confrontation have been staged by both OM and OMW to create a situation where they could avoid lawsuit based upon your wife's alleged conduct at the doctors home?????? Could they have set her up so they could fire her???.

May not be true but may be a viable defense.

Edited to add: If true and you can prove it then may help both of your potential lawsuits dramatically.

Mr. Wondering

No i doubt this is the case. The OMW had asked if the OM was having an A with my wife when she saw his phonebill listing calls he made to my WW and Text MSG's after working hours, but the OM said they were just talking and that was all.

The OMW then proceeded to tell the other docotor's at the practice about it because she didn't like the 2 of them talking after hours and considered it unprofessional. The OMW did not know about the A until my wife confronted her at her home.

Talking after hours was enough for the OMW to voice her concern to the other doctor's of the practice. The other doctors only had that to go off of. Talking after hours on a phone was frowned upon, but nothing they had in writing made it something that one could be fired for. The other doctor's agreed to move my wife to another doctor to take some of the heat off of the OM that he was getting from his wife, but they could not fire my wife for talking on a cell phone.

Heck now after all that has happened the partners at the doctor's office know about the affair the OM admitted to them that he was having an A with my WW for 14 months. The practice couldn't fire my wife (or apparently him) for that either. With the tension at work they continued to let the OM work, but put my wife on paid vacation trying to sort out what is going on.

Last week my WW got a call from the doctor's office, they changed her status to "on vacation withOUT pay" now. So my wife has filed for unemployment. They didn't fire her because legally they can't, i guess they are waiting to see if she gets a felony charge on her record so they can legally fire her.

I'm not sure why they went from paying my WW on vacation to not paying her. It's all rather moot though if they told my WW to report to work her lawyer said she can't because the OM is still there, i just don't get why they went from paying her to all of a sudden not paying her when legally nothing has changed with the case.

My WW has a restraining order against her for the OMW and their 2 children, NOT the OM, so legally should could go back to work.

btw - you'll get a lot more responses and discussion over on the Infidelity-General Questions II. It is much more active. You could just repost your story but I recommend you reference it and discuss more about your marriage and less about the "incident" with OMW. The title is great...it should get attention.

The facts of your case are so all over the place it's tough to make heads or tails of the stories. Between OM, OMW, WW and the police only time will tell what the truth is. I'd agree with posters above that you should not trust anyone to give the entire truth in these situations.

I am an attorney, albeit a tax attorney. I am licensed in Michigan only so I can't and won't charge you. If I can, I am willing to answer a question or two at my (our) email address below (my wife and I both post under this name at home).

Since the facts are sorta all over the place, I would like to know more about how you feel about your marriage. There are a ton of Betrayed Husband's here but I am one of only a few lawyers.

See ya' over at GQII.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

Donny,

I am so very sorry that you find yourself in this situation, especially with all the legal ramifications staring your family in the face.

My advice to you is TRUST NO ONE. Not your wife, not OMW, certainly not OM. Trust only yourself and watch out for your kids.

My guess is that there are plenty of lies still intertwined in all of this and it's fairly likely that everyone is doing some lying.

It will all come to light eventually. That can take months.

I told my husband the same as you told your wife: If there is more to tell, spill it now and I can deal with it. That's when he told me OW had been pregnant and she aborted the child. This was two months into our "recovery." For eight months after that there were conflicting "truths" that I had to deal with. Sometimes I figured out OW was lying; sometimes it was WH. It was crazy-making, and unfortunately, par for the course in these things.

If there is any truth to the abortion story the OMW is telling, it is something your wife might feel she can't possibly tell you about. Or it never happened but she really did say that to the OMW. Your WW is still in the habit of protecting what she wants and lying still seems an option to her. She may feel FORCED to lie at this point and this won't change for some time.

In your case, as others have pointed out, the doctor and his wife have much to lose. I wouldn't put it past them to concoct this story so your wife could be fired (and I think the partners are buying the wife's story and think they'll be justified in the end and WILL be able to fire her... that's why they quit paying her). And, as much as you want to believe your wife's version of events, you can't afford to do so. Chances are 50-50 in my book that the OMW is telling the absolute truth. None of us know anything about this woman and if she is conniving or honest. We just don't know. And neither do you.

Keep making a "safe" place for your wife to come to you. But don't be surprised to learn that she is still not open and honest with all of the facts.

Keep posting. Again, I am sorry for all that you are going through. You will get through this intact and perhaps even a stronger person than you were before all of this happened.

Hang in there.

~ Snow