It appears there has been a loss of the concept & implementation on these forums... so...

This is a repost of an earlier post from the old GQ II forum... since you can't add to that forum...
...I copied its contents here so all can contribute more for the benefit of others new to these concepts.

------------------------------------------------------------

I've decided to write about some of the basics of Plan A...
I originally created a post on Plan B... and after having a few sessions with Steve Harley... he convinced me to stay with Plan A... and outlined for me some vital elements that were missing from my interpretation of Plan A. This is what I wish to share with anyone who has an interest. Comments here include my discussions with Steve Harley and may, because of the particulars of my situation, not be appropriate for everyone's situation. Again, this is my take on Plan A.

I welcome as many comments on other points of view... I am not the expert... you've got to go the Harley's for that!

First a few quotes from the book...


...and...


...and...


To this end... one needs to note a few important aspects of Plan A...

• Both Plan A and Plan B are a cohesive collection of steps that lead one down a very narrow path of marital recovery... They must work together if Plan A does not work by itself.
• You start Plan B only after some time in Plan A... a normal amount of time in Plan A could/should be about 6 months... but can be as little almost nothing to much more than 6 months.
• Plan B can only be as effective as Plan A was in setting up a foundation for the establishing a "safe" environment for the wayward spouse to return!
• That environment created in Plan A must also be "non-threatening", yet "changing" where the wayward can clearly see that there are improvements made in the betrayed's ability to meet the wayward's emotional needs.
• Continuing in Plan A is recommended until the wayward ultimately show signs of complete rejection of accepting there have been improvements by the betrayed... and/or the betrayed's feelings turn to one of overt anger... and resentment!
• Plan B should be put off as long as possible and builds off the benefits derived from Plan A!
• Damaging a good track record of Plan A can be done in as little as one day of Love Busting and what the betrayed remembers is the most recent actions before Plan B!
• Plan B has to have a seamless transition from Plan A, because once the betrayed is in Plan B there is no more laying down a foundation!
• The main element of Plan A is to have the waiting spouse avoid angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, selfish demands, annoying behavior and dishonesty at all costs! These are the five most common forms of Love Busters!
• By avoiding all possible Love Busters there are no withdrawals from the Love Bank of the wayward spouse. Any withdrawals weaken the case for a "safe" environment for the wayward to return to.
• In general... anything that would make the wayward unhappy can be deemed as a Love Buster!. One time Love Busters are bad enough... but repetitive occurrences are disastrous.
• The wayward defines the Love Busters... not the waiting spouse.
• There is an exception that Steve Harley recognizes (as far as a "valid" Love Buster... and that would be, actions needed to protect the waiting spouse and/or children especially from physical harm. These actions, although they may be perceived as Love Busters by the wayward... can not be tolerated!
• Additionally "active divorce proceedings" require that only facts (as objectively as possible) be presented to the courts... with honest truthfulness being very important. This, Steve Harley regards as a "gray" area of Love Busting.
• The waiting spouse must keep the focus that they are still married. That they still have their spouse!
• Deposits into the Love Bank of the wayward should still be attempted...even if the waiting spouse doesn't know the actual needs of the wayward... At a minimum "trial and error" in determining the important emotional needs can be used.
• The waiting spouse must reassess their concept of "level of fairness"... and be willing to be the catalyst of all actions needed to improve the chance of recovery. This is sometimes referred to as the "doormat" issue... Having to do it all with no contribution from the wayward... sometimes even to the detriment of the waiting's self-respect/self-esteem.... Steve asks the rhetorical question... "Would you be a doormat for 3 months if you'd get $1,000,000 at the end?"
• Avoid those you would suck you into believing your self-esteem/respect will suffer. You will have the rest of your life to rebuild it... if it does suffer. In most cases... doing the more noble action is a builder of self-respect/esteem.
• "You have no rights when your married"... if you believe in divorce as not being an option! The taker cannot take over in Plan A! Steve Harley says... at divorce time... if during Plan A you keep your self-respect, and self-esteem as the most important issues... that you "stood up for yourself"... the judge will say "good for you... now you're single!"
• Focus must be on building back that passion and realizing that that romantic love is VERY conditional as was the process of falling in love.
• For those who pray... should pray for "clarity" of the wayward's mind... and your own "patience and focus".
• Plan A is not for wimps.
• Plan A requires Patience, Time, and Consistency.

If you accept Plan A... seek also the support and fellowship of the people on the Forum... you'll need it!

I have a post already on Plan B... see Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.). My experiences of Plan A and Plan B, and other's here at the forum, are meant to enlighten... not be treated as a replacement for formal counseling.

Jim
---------------------------------
Where two or more are gathered...