The OW in my situation just Text-messaged my husband. We had not heard from her or her H since I let them know that we had no intentions of being one big happy family and we had no desire for contact...I was so pissed. My H called me and told me about the message. My first inclination was to call the winch. We all decided upon NC. The message said: "It's a Girl - Look what your missing out on". I was so mad I could have spit.

My H begged me not to call. Our counselor and our attorney said that we should have NC unless through the court system. I am just so upset. Any advice would be helpful...

Can't you change his cell number? NC means both of you, BTW. Let it go, she is just pushing your buttons.

hello crazyhurt,

Im sorry that your going through this. I was one that hoped we could all get along and raise oc together. maybe its not really possible. Nc most be hard, it seems that at anytime they could just pop up w oc. when we found out of oc my h got his # changed, that would be my suggestion. yes its a hassle, but its worth it. It seems to me that there is still a chance that your oc might be her h and is legally his untill he proves its not. there wanting to play mind games and probably hoping to get somthing from you. It seems to me that most people in their situation, if they wanted to heal there m they would not want contact even more then you dont. which makes me think its all a game their playing.

change h # i think that will help, then file harrasment charges if necesary. goodluck to you, imtswife

Thank you all. I'm sure it's killing her right now to see if my H will contact her in some way. He is angry as well, not as much as me...

I would hate for him to have to change his number...business reasons, our stepchildren, etc. But you all have a point. I will ask him about it tonight.

I spoke with my H about changing numbers. He said that he is thinking the same thing. We will wait until after the birth of the OC in January. We will change his Cell and our home number. We don't want to change anything yet, just in case they give themselves some rope to hang themselves.

I'm feeling alot better now. I'm still not very focused, but I'm hanging in there.

We will probably send a NC letter after the birth of the OC. Where can I find an example?

I agree with the others that ow just said that to irk you guys. Since you guys do have nc in place I would also talk w/ my lawyer. In a way it could be viewed as harassment since both parties clearly understood NC and she willing broke it. I bet it wouldn't be so funny then.

Crazy, try this one on for size;

"dear <insert ho's name here>

You have informed us that you are pregnant. you have also informed us that you beleive XXX to be the father of your child. Until such times a verification of your claims can be obtained via a recognised paternity test and the results of such a test reconginsed by a court of law, we hereby formally request that you and your husband refrain from contacting by any means, ourselves or any members of our extended family. We will consider failure to refrain from such contact as harrassment and we will be forced to report the matter to the authorities in addition to exercising what ever civil remedies are available to us.

We trust we have made our position clear.

If you persist in your claim that <husband> is the father of your child, we invite you to contact our attorney <atty name> at <insert details> once your child is born and arrange for the beforementioned paternity tests to be carried out.


Regards,

Crazyhurt & husband"

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

The idea is you send it now, before the oc is born. It sets you up for some peace and quiet while the pregnancy continues and gives you guys a chance to heal. Until you send the letter, you cannot complain "legally" about her or her husband contacting you.

After the oc is born, she can contact your atty and the paternity test can be arranged, the CS papers filed and you can all go before a judge or a mediator and get the detials sorted out including your and h's decision on contact with the OC. You can also agree avenues of contact with ow going forward. KWIM?

hugs

Carolyn

The problem is Carolyn, my h and her have the same employers. If this situation got out, it could mean termination for them both. The only reason I believe she hasn't opened her big mouth yet is because she'd get fired too.

My husband is awaiting a job offer, I'm trying to wait until that comes before I rock the boat (actually if he gets fired, she get's nothin, I make more than him anyway, I could cover our bills, I know that's wrong). If my H wasn't working there now, I probably would have called the winch yesterday. I read the message she sent. Evil ho! Sorry, I had to get that out.

well send it as soon as the job offer comes through. i will keep my fingers crossed for him that is comes through soon.

and by the way, venting is good for the soul!

You know Carolyn...I would have never thought in a million years that I would be going through something like this. It's amazing. Outside of the death of my parents, this has been one of the most painful times in my life. I love my husband, but I could strangle him for this one.

We have been talking about having a child (congrats Calismile). I'm concerned because I'm the one who has been pushing the envelope on it, but I want to be careful that I'm doing it for the right reasons, do you understand where I'm coming from? I don't want to do this to do one up on the OW, I want to do this because I want a child. I don't know. We're really thinking about it.

When the ho told my husband it was a girl, it really hurt. My husband has a daughter from his first marriage, but I wanted a girl too. Last night he told me that as far as he was concerned, he only has 3 children. Those are the 3 from his previous marriage, and he will only consider the child that we have together as his next. I don't know if people will get pissed or not, but I really appreciated that.

OK, these numbers don't add up...

She's due in January, but has the baby early November?

My thought would be to visit the hospital and check out the preemie babies. If the OC is NOT a pre-term, in the incubator baby, then I would suspect this baby was a product of another OM, or her H...

My suspicion, you are going to find the baby is full term, was conceived in February...

No, I'm sorry. She text-messeged my husband saying that it's a girl meaning, I guess, that she had an amnio.

I sympothize with you so much. We have chosen to have contact, but the OW can't seem to understand what only contact concerning the baby means. She keeps complaining that my H is ignoring her and I keep complaining that he never says anything to her about her trying to chat with him. He doesn't carry on conversations, but will give short answers, he doesn't try to stop her. It infuriates me and we end up arguing. He says I cut his throat everytime he hears from her. I got into it with OW last night over her text messaging my H, now she says she won't involve my H with anything and now he's mad at me. I wonder if I will ever be able to live with the sittuation. I love him so much and he's trying so hard to make me happy, I don't know what to do, our only problem seems to be HER!
She's giving my H a son, I should have been the one to do that(we have a D). I understand where your coming from. It just hurts so bad.

Don't dignify her with a response. I would contact the attorney and have them draft a letter, like above and send it to her, registered mail.

I bet this ow is going nuts wondering what is going on. Thing is, your life is none of her business. She is obvoiusly living with a man who couldn't care any less for her. Imagine him being all cool with her affair? Must not really give a dang about her. She is probably assuming that your husband is wondering about oc. She is going to have to come to terms that you and he really don't want anything to do with that child. Many ow see things only through their eyes, and don't grasp the concept that others see this quite differently. OC are not the blessing they want them to be. They ARE the result of a betrayal and seen as mistakes. They ARE NOT seen as siblings, even as a child of the man, but a mistake. It sounds harsh, but the cold hard reality is that children of affairs are just that. Mistakes. Now, maybe the mother and her family will love and cherish this child, as it should be. But chances are the man and his family see it all quite differently. I know that we saw it as a mistake and chose not to put our family into a situation where we had to have oc around. I certainly was not going to have oc around my children, disrupting my day to day life, nor that of my children. He made that mistake and it is not up to me or my children to correct it. Life is to short and goes by to fast. Your ow needs to get off her high horse and realize that what she wants means nothing to you. That decisions made in the marriage are none of her concern or business and she has no right to harrass you with text messages, phone calls, etc.

If you want to respond, do it legally. That way if she does it again, you can have her charged with harrassment. After paying a few fines and realizing that you and he are united in not taking her crap, she will eventually settle down and live her life. Sooner she sees that the oc is just one of many affected by the affair, and not the only one who matters, the better. The way I see it, you and your husband and your family is all you need to worry about and protect.

LynnG - On another board I am often compared to you...We do share the same opinions, and I have been known to put my opinion in a very blunt fashion.

We will send the letter as soon as my husband's other employment comes through.

Question for you - Did you ever hear from the OW after you and your H established NC?

I am so sorry that you have to go through that. That is one of the main reasons that I can't deal with C. I don't want that heffa to call my house for any reason, child or not. When he called me yesterday to say that he got the text-message, I was not hurt, I was mad as ******. There were things that went through my head that are unGodly. I just wanted to give her a piece of my mind. It still bothers me that I didn't get to cuss her out. Then again, she probably would have hung up on me before I got it all out, so that is some consolation <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. How dare she think that she can share anything with my H, outside of me again. I'm sure her H doesn't know about it, and I'm sure that its killing her that she doesn't have any kind of response. She's now wondering, Did it go through? Is he ignoring me? Has he not seen it yet? Did his W see it and erase it? Her little pee-brain is going about 100 miles a minute.

I think you need to talk to your husband. You need to let him know that you will not be disrespected, and when he does not inform her of her disrespect to you, he is doing the same thing. I am also a believer in letting her know to.

If you are being compared to me, are they frothing at thier mouths, aghast that you are not putting the needs of the oc above yours? Are they astounded that you are not acting adult? Do they call you bitter and when all else fails, bring up how your husband is to blame, and how you are only blaming ow? LOL!!!!!!

OW and their supporters do not like to see any BW stand up for herself, if it means not putting oc/ow needs first. LOL. They just do not see the forrest for the trees at all. They only see their side and simply can't imagine a married couple, making decisions, based on what they want and not care one iota about ow thinks. LOL.

Yes we heard from ow,after NC was established. She was certain that we and our extended familes would want to know of oc. Nobody did. She mailed photos of oc to his parents, only to have them returned, along with a registered letter from our attorney that any more contact, and she would be charged with harrassment. She would phone and cry that we were being mean to her. She would have complete meltdowns if we, as a family went on vacation. She thought we should provide him with air-fare, hotel and Disney tickets too! If one of our children had a new bike, and she saw it, she would contact us and demand we buy him one. Stuff like that. She was hauled into court a few times for harrassment and paid fines. She was forced to pay our legal fees for one of her antics. She didn't. And the law firmhad a lein against her home. They recently finally were paid, after her home sold. She was hugely pissed at that.

The first few years she was almost hysterical in her begging and pleading for us to awknowlede her and her child. We just sent it all to the laywers, who saw to it that she went before a judge and actually spent time in lockup!!! After that she would go a few years and we wouldn't hear a thing. Then she would get all ingidnant if she heard we went on vacation, stuff like that. Then it would be quiet for a few years. When OC was a teen, she actually called and wanted to know if he could have a job at the "family company" since he was "family". She went completely unglued when she was told that not only was he not getting a job with us, but that he was not family. That was when she was assuming that he had some inheritance coming to him. She was livid when she learned otherwise. Why would he? Stuff like that. As it child support was coming to an end, she was in full panic mode. She thought we should buy oc a car, stuff like that. We just sent it all to the attorney, and let the chips fall. Usually on her head!! Her last attempt was to beg us to call of the lein against her home.

Overall, it seemed like ow contacted us when she was angry at something. By letting laywers handle it, it allowed us to deal with day to day issues of real life. Why would I care about oc needing a new bike, when the dog just puked on my carpet? That child was not mine to worry about, and I needed to get my carpets cleaned. Stuff like that.

By handling it all legally, you can live your life as you choose. No surprises etc. Actually, I think it is even easier on the ow too. She knows it is all done legally and doesn't have to worry about us yanking her chain either.

Are you sure you aren't one of the few OW's or even BS on my other board? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

One time I posted that I didn't care about the child. My marriage, my family, my friends, my job, even my vacation was more important to me. You know I got the blues after that one. My Christianity is being questioned, everything. Then I was told that I was as bitter as you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I try to explain that I have no ill-will for the child, but I just don't care.

I completely understand what you mean by having it all go through an attorney. We are not very wealthy people. I definetly am willing to spend anywhere from $1500 - $3000 to get it all set up (is that too low?), but we will not be able to afford alot after that. Any other suggestions.

LOL!!!!! See????? Anyone who doesn't cow-tow to the ow/oc is seen as bitter. I consider it a complement when called bitter by an ow!!! Actually, I could care less what any of them think or feel. They can see themseleves what ever way they want to, and it makes no bit of difference. On this board, where the whole point is the marriage and how to handle it, the marriage and future of your family is all that matters. As long as you and your husband decide things, jointly and with full honesty, then stand by it. You and he choosing no contact is your right. You do not have to defend it to anyone. If you feel that someone is harrassing you about it, think if their point is in YOUR best interest. If it isn't, disregard it. As long as you and your husband are fine with your choice of no contact, so be it.

Go and enjoy your life. Save money for romantic get-a-ways, stuff like that. Let him romance you and seduce you and love you!!! Don't let this issue derail what you want!!

Once this is all set up legally, you can forget about it! There are worse things that can and will happen in life then having to pay child support. So enjoy each day as a gift and move on with your life. Stay educated on where you stand, but don't obsess or dwell on it. It is just a mistake. If your husband is truly remorsefull and willing to help you heal, spend your energies there.


The attorney fee would be what is standard for your area. If you like and trust him/her, then it sounds fair. Sound legal advice will end up being invaluable in the long haul.

Good luck with all of this!

CrazyHurts..

You're sounding better every day.

Move over, please, and share my hero spot with LynnG.. When I get my head on straight with this ..I want to be like her *grin*.

Eibrab