Ok, so I'm having a bad day today. TNT, I'm sorry I misinterpreted your intentions, on a good day I probably wouldn't have, but today I'm on edge, and I'm assuming it shows. Thank you for taking the time to straighten that out to me. So I guess it's safe for me to say, that No, I am not Coping at all. I've shut myself down from his actions so long ago, that it's hard to conjure up those feelings again, and have to deal with them. He made me feel inadequate with his wantings and unworthy of him when I couldn't complete them for him. I know I shouldn't have gone to another man, as it didn't make things any better, except to show myself that a man can be with me and actually be with ME!! Not just use my body to live out some fantasy. How do I cope with not being wanted? Most of you talk about how your hubby's or wives want you and try to work things out...mine H hasn't wanted ME from the beginning...not the way a H should want his W. Do you know how that makes me feel? I'm not sure anyone does. In fact, in counselling, they said he's just as guilty of cheating because of his sexual wantings and constantly thinking of having sex with other people....I knew that before I cheated on him. Yet, on the other hand is a good provider, and a good friend at times, everything would be great, if we didn't have to have sex...or at least that's how I feel the majority of the time anyway. I don't know...I just don't know anymore...

You probably feel like your husband betrayed you - with his sexual fantasies. I understand how that feels. There is a person here who has been learning how to get beyond all of that, but she just went on vacation and won't be back for 2 weeks.<P>I know the pain you are in, it hurts so bad. My emotions went from sadness to rage to sadness to rage back and forth and I felt so beat up inside. <P>Have you gone to the sexual addicts site and checked out any of the information? It might help you understand a little more about what is going on. <P>I'm sending hugs your way. Please accept them and know we really do care about you, okay?<P>(((hugs))) <P>

Benna, I can hear your pain. I can feel it too. I'm sorry you're having trouble coping. So many of us have those same feelings to varying degrees. <P>Why don't you stay for a while and read posts. Alot of it is very helpful. Honest. The posts that hurt you can just skip over. You don't need that. Of course with me and my slicing wit and sarcasam ... sometimes I just have to get a jab in so I feel a bit better.<P>But please know that I understand your feelings and will help in anyway I can.

Benna,<P>I want you to know that I'm here for you too, as much as I can be. I've taken on new responsibilities at work and can't get to the forum as much during the day anymore.<P>Your pain does count, and it does matter. Is your H doing anything to help you along? Are you still attending counseling? Feel free to email me at ibelynn@yahoo.com if you'd like.<P>(((((((Hugs))))))))<P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

Wow. I missed this completely.<P>Benna, we hardly knew ye!<P>Okay some I'm teasing a bit. Sometimes it does help to laugh at ourselves. Surely, I'm not making light of your situation, it's serious and painful for both you and your H.<P>I'm posting now to perhaps show a little ray of hope. Some things you said reminded me of my situation with my wife Suse (she posts here as well). Especially saying you feel as if your H hasn't wanted you from the beginning.<P>Well, that's how Suse felt about me. And she had an affair somewhat because of it. She figured things would never change. Woops, they did! Not simply, not quickly but I can tell you they did.<P>Benna, years ago Suse was one of those folks Elixer recently called "creeps" in anger. Well, I wasn't a creep, and I don't think I was a jerk (thanks, Lone Star . <P>If I had to come up with a word.... lessseeee...dork maybe?<P>Doofus? Blockhead? Dumb jock? Okay okay!<P>Yep, I didn't make Suse feel too wanted. I had some stuff going on in my young career that I thought wayyyyyy more important! She got in the way sometimes with all her needs and stuff. How could she? <P>Benna, I don't know you or your H well enough to give advice. I don't know how you guys can make it better. But, if you're looking for an example of how things can change for the better? Here it is. A marriage that survived 21 years now. Thru a lotta stuff, including my "creeplike" behavior of last year. <P>Be well.<P>

Benna,<P>I am sorry that I did not catch up with you sooner. I guess I missed your posts due to the subjects - there are so many posts.<P>I hope that you are still here. I don't know your whole story, but suffice it to say that I too have been down the path you are on (except that I have not had a sexual affair, but nonetheless, I know your pain). You can check my profile for more info on my story.<P>Please I would like to talk with you privately about your situation (and my own) if you will email me. Email: thoughtfulangel@cheerful.com<P>Hugz and prayers,<BR>Thoughtful

Jeez, Duncky,<P>I'm NEVER gonna live that one down, am I? <P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>

Benna-<P>Glad you decided to stay. We are a pretty rare group of people. Not one of us can claim total sanity. But we generally have huge hearts and lots of well-meaning advice and criticism if you or we get out of line.<P>Please post more so we can try to help. I work full time and have kids so I don't always post much, but.........<P>God bless (\o/)<BR> /_\ have an angel from me

Hi Benna, I haven't posted for a while, but lurk a lot .... used to post a lot when I first came here about a month ago, and I tell you, it was the only place I could go to get some advice and support. But as you really sound like you are hurting, I thought I might drag myself out of this hole long enough to reply.<P>You say no-one understands you .... I guess no-one is in exactly your shoes, but some of us are pretty close. Although my H has only had one sexual affair, he has had several emotional affairs, and has now left our marriage as he is in love with another woman. Read my profile if it helps, or search out a thread of mine called something like "thanks everyone ...Update on my feelings" to get some idea about where I am at. I have also brought up to the top for you some research I found, which helps us realise we are not alone in what we feel. Titled "A must read, research....My life", or something like that. It talks about the effects of infidelity, mostly from a long standing point of view, and how it makes us feel, so it helps to understand why you might do something that in normal circumstances you probably wouldn't even think about. I'm guessing your husband's behaviour helped you to do something you normally wouldn't have, to try and escape some pain.<P> I know the feeling of rejection, of feeling like you are not good enough, that all you want to feel is loved for yourself ....I have felt the same way for so long. I guess, had the situation arisen where someone showed me they cared, and that I was desirable as a woman, I too might have been tempted - when you are vulnerable and hurting, and hiding all your pain so deep inside, all you want is to feel worthwhile. One of my friends got too closely involved with my H. she is not even mentioned in my profile, but I guess you could say she had an emotional affair with him, and when she was going through a really bad time with her H, my H was there to make her feel wanted and desirable, he took advantage of her vulnerability, passionate kissing, holding etc. She felt guilty about it ever since, and was the one who told me about it. She had long ago discussed it with her H, and I have forgiven her, she had the courage to do the right thing and tell me. As she said, she didn't for one minute want my H, just wanted to feel loved and desired, as she was so lonely and hurting in her own marriage. I guess in his own way, so was my H. So, you see, I can see where you are coming from, from both sides. And I feel for you. I can't offer you any advice, as my own life is in tatters at the moment, despite all the effort in the world from my part, but emotional affairs are as damaging as sexual affairs, and as your counsellor so rightly pointed out, his fantasies are just as damaging as well, in how they make you feel. So I can tell you ... some of us can relate in some ways to what you are feeling, even though circumstances might be a bit different. Well meaning people keep telling me to be strong, giving me advice, but they have no idea what all this does to your self - esteem or self - worth. The people here who have been through pain of one sort or another, mostly do.<P>Take care of yourself. Hug for you. <P>(((((((((((((((((Benna)))))))))))))))))))<P><p>[This message has been edited by sosad (edited September 29, 1999).]

LS....<P>Nope!