DD 20 and fiance 32 having problems. She has been engaged to fiance for a few month and they moved into a house together. I feel it was way to soon, because she didn't know him that well. But I couldn't stop her. She also lives in another state than I.


Letters from DD today....
I can talk to you when ever it just costs money mom that is why I am so stressed because I am way in over my head right now I will call you when I can I love you.


From me....
DD,

Okay, I know you are in over your head right now. I feel everything, I'm your mother....don't forget.

Why is it costing you so much?

You had less bills when you lived in your apt.

If he is leaving you broke now, what kindof husband will he be?

I need to talk to you...

What is your agreement on bills?

Does Chad understand that you are more broke now than you were before. Moving in with him was too soon I'm afraid. You didn't get a chance to know him and his situation well enough. Now you are finding out.

Being with Chad and children is too overwhelming for you.

I want to help you both, if you plan on getting married. If you are having doubts,
we need to talk and do something. I don't want you feeling stuck.

We need to help you get to a solution.

Love You, Mom

Letter from DD.....

MOM PLEASE DON’T SAY NOTHING IF YOU TALK TO HIM I DON’T WANT HIM TO FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE PLEASE… ANYWAYS WHAT IT IS IS THAT I MAKE MORE MONEY THAN HE DOES I PAY THE GAS THE POWER THE RENT THE CABLE THE INSURANCE ON THE TRUCK PLUS LAUNDRY SOAP, SHAMPOO, CONDITIONER, SOAP YOU KNOW ALL THE THINGS THAT YOU NEED PLUS I BUY FOOD AND ALL THAT KIND OF STUFF AND STILL HAVE MY OTHER BILLS TO PAY YES HE DOES VERY MUCH HELP ME WHEN HE CAN HE IS NOT VERY RESPONSIBLE AND I HAVE TALKED TO HIM ABOUT IT BUT I STILL DON’T KNOW WHERE ALL THE FREAKING MONEY IS GOING MOM I HAVE MADE $26,000.00 SO FAR THIS YEAR AND I HAVE $40.00 IN SAVINGS THAT IS REDICULIOUS I JUST HOPE THAT IT ISNT GOING TO BE LIKE THIS FOR VERY MUCH LONGER I WILL WAIT TILL AFTER CHRISTMAS TO SEE AND GO FROM THERE I LOVE CHAD AND HE HAS A VERY BIG HEART I JUST DON’T WANT TO STRUGGLE THROUGH LIFE


Okay, I'm a little perturbed because DD can't call me as much because her cell phone has been shut off. She has always had a phone. She is afraid to use fiance's because of the bill.... I don't like what is happening to her... this has complicated her life.
I have some suggestions for her, but I'm hoping you all could help me help her with some ideas...she doesn't have internet.

Lady

She needs to get out fast. Run don't walk.

It almost sounds like she is scared. Can you check on her?

The only way I can speak to her is by email right now through her job.

When I called on fiances phone a few times, she was hesitant to talk to me (and she talks to me about everything!!) because fiance was right there.
Or she wouldn't get the message to call back.

And she tells me now it's because his phone costs money.

She was very much in love a few months ago when they got engaged, now she is not the same. She does sound scared to me too. She sounds very sad as well. I am worried about her. :-(

Lady

Can you call her at work? It is tough being mom and seeing it from a perspecitve different from her, isn't it? (((Hugs)))
p

ladysheep,

Can you ask her what it means when she says... I BUY FOOD AND ALL THAT KIND OF STUFF AND STILL HAVE MY OTHER BILLS TO PAY YES HE DOES VERY MUCH HELP ME WHEN HE CAN.

What does it mean "when he CAN".?? Life isn't a " pay when you can" situation. IMHO, it sounds like he might be using her as a cash cow.

Also, I would be uncomfortable with the age and stage in life difference. She is young...and his being quite a bit older than her (with kids no less) makes them at different places in their lives.

I would encourage her to get back to having her own place and if he wants to "date" her that it would be much better than the place she is at right now.

My daughter is 22 and she started a relationship with someone who was 32....thank gawd it didn't progress to them living together. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> He was divorced and a father of 3 and I wasn't too keen on it.

I encouraged her to rethink it...life is hard enough without stacking it against you.

Thank goodness their "dating" lasted less than a month.

Just keep trying to gently steer her in another direction.

committed

ladysheep,

I agree.Encourage your DD to put the marriage on hold.The most obvious reason to me is that there is a 12 year age gap between the two of them and if your DD is making more now than her fiance,then somethings up.IMO he has no business being with a 20 year old young woman.She is barely out of her teens and it could be different if the age gap were when she was 32 but I would not condone this marriage personally.

What is this fiances past? Married before? Family?

O

lady,

I agree with everyone else. She needs to be back on her own and take care of herself.

for a man his age he should be more responsible.

I hope you can convince her she is taking this way to fast without enough knowledge of his past spending habits and credit.

Sounds like he is looking for someone to take care of him....

MF, I will ask if I can call her on her break or lunch...
Right now we are emailing.
I think she is starting to sort things through...that it isn't a good situation for her.

Committed....I agree with everything you said...I am feeling very uncomfortable with her sitch as well...it's just not right.

She just wrote me again....I am not liking this...he is paying for 2 vehicles ($850.00 month) that are his...she gave hers up since moving in with him and drives his car.

DD letter....YES I KNOW FOR SURE THAT HE IS AT HIS MOTHERS HE ALWAYS ANSWERS THE PHONE FOR ME WHEN I CALL. HE IS ON $2000.00 A MONTH SALARY HE GETS PAID ON THE 1ST AND THE 15TH OF THE MONTH AND YES HE PAYS OUT ABOUT 850.00 AT THE MOST A MONTH AND I PAY OUT ABOUT 1400.00 A MONTH ON JUST THINGS TO GET BY AND GAS TO GET TO WORK AND HOME AND FOR HIM TO DRIVE HIS DAUGHTER EVERYWHERE AND BACK AND FORTH TO SALT LAKE ITS FRUSTERATING AND I ASK WERE THE REST OF HIS MONEY GOES AND HE DOESN’T EVER KNOW HE EATS OUT ALL THE BUYS STUPID STUFF


I feel she needs to get back to her own apartment again.
She lived in her own apartment for a whole year last year and she did great!!

I just need to tell her that in the best effective way.
Help!!! Now she is stuck paying those bills, how is she going to save to get to her own apartment?

Lady

Just an idea,

Check into adding a line to your cell phone bill. I added my parents to my Verizon account at about $15-$20 a month after taxes and we share a bundle of minutes - Family Plan. Best off you have unlimited in-network calling. Just ask her to limit her use to primarily you and emergencies.

She really sounds like she is walking on eggshells. Losing her support system sounds dangerous.

Mr. Wondering

And now that she gave up her car, if she moves out, is he going to let her use his car or will she be carless?

DD next letter....her monthly bills

675 RENT

100 GAS AND POWER

140 FURNITURE

78 INSURANCE

50 CABLE

ABOUT 180 IN GAS FOR THE TRUCK

ABOUT 250 FOR FOOD AND OTHER THINGS NEEDED

This totals about $1400.00. He isn't paying any of these.
She pays for his gas also to get his DD around. He has 3 children, DS lives with GM. OD16? lives with her mom. And YD13 live back and forth daily with them and mom. My DD told me last month she bought a bunch of clothes for YD13 because she had nothing. And she is paying for them all to eat also. It shouldn't be this way.


Lady

MrWondering, I was thinking the same thing, but the fiances cell phone is his work phone, from the company he works for, so it can't be done.

He has 3 children, DS lives with GM. OD19 lives with her mom. And YD13 live back and forth daily with them and mom. My DD told me last month she bought a bunch of clothes for YD13 because she had nothing. And she is paying for them all to eat also.

Do you realize that if he is 32 and has a 19 year old daughter...that makes him fathering a child at the age of 13!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> He might actually be older than he is telling.

Oh my...there are some lies there...more lies than one can nail down I would imagine.

She needs to RUN as fast as she can...she can get another car when she escapes him.

committed

I was suggesting you add her to YOUR cell phone plan. I forgot to mention...verizon threw in a free camera phone to my parents as well when I added the line. If you do not have one maybe now is the time for you to go wireless and get one yourself and for daughter at the same time. She working so if and when this situation clears up she can pay you back.

Also, look into voice over internet options. Never mind...she doesn't have internet.

Mr. Wondering

Committed, I was wrong about the age of OD, I think she is 16, I corrected it. I hear the most about DD13.

Oh MrWondering, I don't have a cell phone. I will have to think about that though.

Yikes.

Ladysheep,I hope your DD realizes that this situation has
B-A-D spelled all over it.She needs to leave.



Among all the other red flags flying,this man should NOT be paying for two vehicles that total almost half his monthly salary. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Red flags,red flags.

O

Octobergirl, fiance has the 3 children all scattered due to breakup of him and thier mother. for 16 yrs I think, unmarried but where they live is common law after so many years....so would that mean they are still married? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Ugh. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

This gets better as we go along.I hope and pray your DD is waking up to what is going on.If you need any help,tell her to come here and we can talk to her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

ladysheep,

This is coming from a daughter that found herself in a very bad situation with her husband/fiancee.
I never asked for help from my parents, never really said "I need you to get me out of here please!" In fear that they would ridicule me or say "I told you so".

I am not saying your daughter is in the same situation, but I have to agree with other posters that your daughter needs to run for the hills, and you need to let her know you'll be there for her if she needs any help whatsoever.

I wish I hadnt been scared of telling my parents how bad things were between my fiancee and me at the time, I should have returned home and managed our relationship issues with some distance instead of getting trapped like I did.

If she is telling you this much, and still seems to be holding onto more info I'd be incredibly weary! It is a very bad sign. I'd withold a lot of very bad stuff from my parents (foolish, I know), because I didnt want to worry them. They were really big things too, I just let trivial things pass through.

((((ladysheep))))

If this man is 32, has kids, and still cant get his act together, this is a straight road to disaster.