Hurting, I am hoping the same. I wrote her back and told her it looks as though she is paying all the bills to put a roof over his head, which is backwards, while he buys his vehicles and spends freely the rest of his money I think she is seeing it. She just needs a plan now.

The age difference, and 3 children has always bothered me. even though my DD is very mature for her age. She is young and outgoing, and being in that situation is now disturbing her.

Lady

Alostwife, I agree, I will never tell her "I told you so." even though I did.
That would do no good. My DD is good at figuring things out "afterwards".

She has told me about the bill situation. And that she doesn't know how to handle the children situation. She has already been into arguments over the YD. It has to all be so overwhelming for her. Her fiance left the mother of his children because she was on drugs. He and all the children had moved in with his mother for a time, until he move with my DD. Then his DS stayed with GM, one DD went back with mother, and the other DD goes back and forth to both parents.

This is what she wrote me yesterday....
MOM,
HAVE NOT BEEN FEELING VERY GOOD LATELY AND I DON’T KNOW WHY I GUESS JUST MIXED EMOTIONS ABOUT EVERYTHING LIKE WORK, CHAD, HIS KIDS, WHERE I LIVE I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH ME I JUST FEEL WEIRD I GUESS.


I know she just needs a plan now.

Lady

She's afraid to tell you more because she's afraid you'll take control of the situation..hence her begging you not to do or say anything to Chad.

Stop saying bad things about Chad...this will force her into defending him. Leave Chad out of all correspondence.

Refocus on HER. Make sure she knows no matter what you'll always be HERE for her.

Do not make suggestions...do not tell her she's in over her head, do not tell her this is a bad idea, do not criticize Chad.

Keep all conversations about her...supportive, and unconditional.

If you respond to her every time...beating up on Chad..she's going to stop telling you things...because in her head..she's hearing the I told you so...even though you're not saying it.

She has to live with the decision she's made...this is what she's dealing with. HOWEVER...she's always able to make NEW decisions.

Chad is clearly not a winner....but you can't force that on her..she has to figure it out on her own...and she will...just keep the conversations approachable for her before she shuts down on you.

She just wrote back....DD Letter..

I DO HAVE A PLAN I AM GOING TO WAIT UNTIL AFTER CHRISTMAS AND THEN DECIDE BECAUSE THAT IS WHEN ONE VEHICLE SHOULD BE PAID OFF SO I WILL WAIT ABOUT TWO MORE MONTHS AND THAT’S IT
AND IF IT DOESN’T GET BETTER THEN I WILL DECIDE WHAT TO DO FROM THERE WHETHER IT BE LEAVE CHAD OR JUST SIMPLY MOVE WE WILL SEE

I AM WORKING TILL 8 TONIGHT FOR THE OVERTIME 13 HRS TODAY



Okay this is good.

Lady

How does this sound....

DD,

I know you love Chad and I won't take that from you. If you decide that Chad is what you want....but remember you are alway entitled to make new decisions.

But for now...while you are waiting...... lets see how much Chad can handle in negotiating...

Lets call it the Chad marriage Test............:-)

"If" marriage is to come...he will have to be willing to show you that he and you can make "joint agreements" that you "both" will agree on. Do not, I repeat do not, do anything without an enthusiastic "agreement" from the both of you.

Did you both make an agreement that you were going to pay all the bills of the house, gas for his daughter, and food, or did it just turned out that way??? This is a love buster...that is why your love seems to be not sure right now...and you have every right to feel that way because it is not right. And it has to be made right, or you have every right to have "red flags" about him.

"Joint agreements" have to be made on everything!!! Including about the children.
If you don't agree on something he is doing with the children, then don't do anything until you "both" agree. This means you both have to talk, talk, talk.

Is it possible to talk to Chad about being more supportive with the bills for now?

Let him know how you are feeling....overwhelmed!!!!

Possibly write everything out for him in a list as you did me.

I love you......:-)

BIJ, I think she told me that because in the past I did give one of her old bf's a piece of my mind. Maybe she is afraid I will call up Chad and start telling him how to treat my DD. But I reassured her I will not talk to him about anything. I feel it is her place to talk to him.

I don't know if the above letter is the right thing to say to her. But I wanted to at least get a point across that their has to be POJA in relationships, so that we don't let ourselves get used and taken advantage of and hurt...therefore leading to loveless relationships.. as what seems to be happening to my DD. If anything it can be a relationship/pre-marriage lesson for her.

I don't want her to end up with Chad. She needs what is best for her...and I think she is seeing that he possibly is not the prince she thought he was a few months ago.

Lady

lady,

I sure wish I had some good advice for you. I sure hate to see your DD going throught this.

she is young and has her whole life ahead of her to be burdened with this.

I hope with your tender guidence she can see this man is not good for her. She will just be setting herself up for more heartache, and I sure don't wish that on anyone.

Is it possible maybe you could tell her about this site and maybe get her to read His Needs, Her Needs???? Maybe that would help.....

I will keep her in my prayers .......

Hurting

Hi Hurting,

I wish I could send her here, but she doesn't have the internet, just her work computer. I was thinking of sending her that book also or maybe she could get it at her
nearest library. I will tell her.

Thankyou for praying for her,
Lady

LS,

I am glad that your DD is talking to you about her concerns.Even though she may be "mature" for her age as you mentioned,she has not lived long enough to have many of lifes experiences under her belt.At least she is aware that things are not right.

I would validate how she is feeling and maybe not go into so much of our MB material but rather,suggest things,if she agrees to have your opinion,of what you see as the issues she and Chad are facing and how you might handle them.Afterall you are her mother and if she didn't care one iota of what you had to say,I don't think she would consult with you as she has now.

She sounds very confused and is dealing with several issues and although I can appreciate that we all must allow our children to make mistakes,we can also be there to help them avoid very costly ones if need be thru our own experiences,just like a friend might.My Mom has been my sounding board for a long time and I always appreciated her listening and her suggestions to me.

O

Lady,

Your more than welcome. I think having her read that book will help a lot.

It's hard to watch our children go through rough times. I know by seeing my DS and DIL go through bad times with jobs and money.

I am sure with your help and guidence she will make the right descsions.

Hurting

OG,

Thankyou, you have a great relationship with your mom, that is so important. I wish I could be DD sounding board more right now. Without a phone it's difficult. I just wrote to ask her if I could call her at work.

I am feeling the guy she is with is very controlling and it
makes me nervous for her. I feel he has cut off communications between me and her now via phone. She would still have her phone if it wasn't for having to pay all the bills. The agreement when they moved in together was she would pay half and he would pay half. (not including the brand new truck he bought).

I don't know what a 32 yr old guy see's in going out with a 20 yr old anyway. I get bad feelings about that. They met at work. Soon after they started dating he went to another job.

Lady

Lady - You are in a bad situation. If you tell how you feel about Chad, she is likely to defend her choice of him.

I think I would send her the book Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders. Tell her you enjoyed reading it, and thought she might like it.

Sounds to me like she has a freeloader who isn't able to be responsible enough to take care of his own obligations.

Thanks, Believer that is a good idea. I didn't read the book, but I read some of Peps thread about it. Who is the author?

He does sound like a freeloader. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Lady

Willard Harley - you can buy it on this site. I just got my copy yesterday. It is a good book that anyone thinking about getting married should read.

Have to talked to your daughter about birth control, so she doesn't have a child by this fellow?

Okay... thanks Believer.

lady,

I agree with other posters, leave Chad out of any discussions you might have with her. I always deffended my fiance, even when I really shouldnt have, its similar somehow to the "fog" of the WS. I was deffending him because I had chosen him, I was living with him, and if I allowed him to be put down, even when he really deserved it, it was a bad reflection of my character (or so I thought).

I am sure she is about to figure things out on her own, she is actually voicing her opinions, and telling you she is formulating a plan, which is waaaay more than I ever ventured doing! She is a smart cookie.

You need to let her know that you will be there for her, that you trust her decisions, and to remember she always has you by her side, even when it seems like she has gotten herself trapped, there is a way out.

I made excuses to myself to get out of the abuse I was enduring, I didnt want to be a failure, I didnt want to admit I had made such a grave miscalculation, I didnt want to go back home with my tail between my legs, looking stupid. Also I was very much in love with my fiance/husband, so I dismissed a lot of what he did to me because I wanted to love him and be loved by him sooo badly, I lost my mind!

Keep shining a light for her, letting her know that she can get through this, that there is a way, and that you will be there.

Lady,

I agree with your feelings about the age gap.Even if Chad hadn't many issues going on,it's almost a generation between them.At the least a stage of life(teen's,20's,30's,40's,etc) and she has so much more to experience.

Remind me why she cannot get to a phone? Can she use a friends and pay that person back or reverse charges? Personally,I don't like e-mails,I find them very IMpersonal.

I sure would want to be talkng to my DD at least by phone with all this going on.See what you can do.

Good luck!

O